so it’s been a while, huh?

SO I’ve been gone a while huh?  Things have been just crazy in my world.  I’m always so busy and on the go.  Sitting here and thinking about how long it’s been… it’s kind of shocking.  Months… my blog has been dark for months.

I figure I owe my blog an update.

The end of May I decided it was time a change personally.  I have been overweight my whole life.  I can’t ever remember being thin because honestly, I never was.  I always loved who I was but I knew that being heavy was going to lower my quality of life.  I think that turning 30 really changed me in so many ways.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I had tried to lose weight before  and was never able to stick with it.  My will power just wasn’t there.

I woke up one day and decided it was finally time.  I was there mentally and physically to make a change.  So I made a lifestyle change… and stepped up to the plate so to speak.  I had a lofty goal… 70 lbs.  I put my head and heart into it.. and off I went.

 

The first two months I had a bad day every week.  I stuck to my calorie intake but emotionally I would be drained.   I missed eating like everyone in my family… it was so hard.  As time passed… it got easier.  I found that I was starting not to have bad days at all.  In fact I haven’t had a bad day since Father’s Day.  I was probably three months in before I finally felt like it wasn’t a diet but a lifestyle change.  I can’t imagine going back to my old habits. It’s just disgusting to me.

Somewhere along the path I realized I wouldn’t be happy losing 70 lbs and changed my goal weight.  It upped my weight loss to 80 lbs.  I hit my half way point last Sunday.  I am currently down 40 lbs… and couldn’t be happier about it.  It’s weird going shopping for clothes now because I don’t really know where to look.  I will tell you though, with each smaller size… it feels amazing.

Along side my weight loss I have become quite active.  I work out five days a week.  I plan on doing a 10k in the Spring… and hopefully a full marathon by next Fall.  It’s a huge goal but honestly… I am so driven… I know I can do it.  I keep pushing myself further and further and amaze myself with what I am capable of. I feel amazing… I can’t really put it into words how it makes me feel.  I could go on and on about it.  I won’t though.  I will just say, I’m so proud of myself… because I did this.. all of it.  Even if I had support… I made this change all on my own.

And as if that isn’t enough… there is more change in my world.  I have received a promotion at work.  I am now the manager of the bakery I work in.  It’s been a whirlwind and I’ve worked so hard to earn it.  There has been lots of stress along the way but I feel like I’m finally settling into the position.  It’s weird being in charge that much is sure.  I kind of like it.  This doesn’t really surprise me though.  I think that being submissive is only something I like in my relationship.

I tell you, this year has been amazing.  So much in my world is right at the moment.  Of course, the thing that’s fallen to the side is our dynamic.  We both miss it so but have so much on our plate.  Ben has been super busy at work as well.  They had some changes at work and he had to pick up the slack.  He had weeks of sixty hour weeks.  It really drained him.  We just focused on being together when we were and loving each other.  That was what was important.

We are on the other side of this now and have intentions of trying to get back to where we were.  I truly hope we can.  It’s a good place for us to be… and we both know it.  It seems like we have been struggling for so long now with this.  I have to believe we can get back to where we were.  Time will tell.

On the Issac front, he and I have parted ways.  He just doesn’t have the time to devote to our relationship right now.  We hope that at some point this will change and we can reconnect.  It’s sad… and that’s all I want to say about it.
So there you have it… this is my world in a nutshell.  I’m going beautiful places.  I never though turning 30 would be so wonderful.  I feel so alive.  Being away hasn’t been so bad.

 

I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.

5 years and counting

This month marked our five year wedding anniversary.  Originally we had planned to celebrate it in Hawaii… but we moved instead.  When the day came that we had planned to fly there, I was most certainly bummed but as the days passed I was okay with it.  I focused on what we had planned to do.

It took me a while to decide on what we would do. I am the planner and Ben likes to sit back and show up when it’s time.  So all the planning I did was a surprise to him.  I finally decided on going to Seattle.  I booked a great hotel.. called Hotel 1000.  We would spend the weekend after our anniversary there since we had to work on our actual anniversary.

The morning of leaving.. we had some breakfast and headed north.  We made it to Seattle and went straight to the EMP.  They had some great exhibits there (a horror movie tribute, Jimmie Hendrex, and Nirvana).  It was fun to walk around and check out stuff that we both really love… scary movies and music.

From there we headed to the hotel to check in.  This place was top rate all the way.  It was by far the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in…. which says a lot since I am a bit of a hotel snob.  The service was phenomenal.  The room was really comfortable as well…. with a great bed and this awesome tub that fills from the ceiling! 

After we  dropped our stuff off we headed to Pike Place Market.  It’s a must see every time we go.  I love the energy of it.  We wandered around and found a place to have lunch.  It had a great view of the Puget Sound.  We sat by the window and opened it a bit to get some fresh air.  We were so lucky to get such great weather.  The sunshine was sandwiched some rainy days.

We walked around some more before heading back to the hotel to relax.   When we walked in, they had delivered a bottle of sparkling wine and chocolates while were out.  It was a nice touch. We stayed there till dinner.  I drew us a bath with bubbles.  We must have stayed in the tub for a hour.. drinking, chatting, and playing with the rubber duck.  It was sweet… and fun.. and romantic.  I loved every minute of it.

After we got ready and headed to dinner.  The hotel provided us transport in their town car.. which was nice not to have to take a taxi.  I had picked this steak house that I had heard great things about.  We spent two hours there…. and it was a wonderful two hours.  The meal was amazing…. and they had a few nice touches in honor of our anniversary.  They had set out confetti on the table and gave us a delicious chocolate dessert as a congratulations.

The whole day was wonderful.  It was the perfect mix of doing things and relaxing.  It was so nice to escape our everyday life and be together.

I can’t say enough about the time we’ve been together.  I couldn’t think of a better man to be with for all those years.  He has been the best husband, friend, Owner, etc. I could ever have asked for.  I love him more today than I did the day I married him… which is a whole lot.  We’ve had our ups and downs… but we’ve done it together.  We’ve grown together… learned together… loved together.  I know that this will always be the way we take on the world.  It’s just who we are.  We are devoted to one another.. wonderfully devoted.

a day in the life of…

So we’ve been in our new place for three weeks now.  I love the new place… it looks awesome and feels like home.  I’ve been at my new place of work almost three weeks now… and it’s been… an experience.  It’s been a bumpy ride so far.

I have been working my butt off to be honest… and have more work than I can handle by myself.  I running from the moment I show up.  It’s really stressful.  Not to mention that I get split days off… so it seems like I never have any down time.  I am tired all the time.  This, of course, interferes with home.  I go and go…. and I feel like I’m about to drop around 8 at night.  I just have no time.

So this means not a lot of time for play…. and really our dynamic has kind of fallen to the side.  We keep trying to restart… it’s just not happening.  Something always comes up… work… or being sick… etc…. and honestly, it’s frustrating.  I think in the last three weeks we’ve had sex three times.  It’s just really crappy.  I miss it… but I’m not going nuts over it like I normally would. That is cause I am overworked… and my brain is always on the go.

Part of me feels like… I just don’t want to go back to our dynamic.  I don’t see how I have time to all the extra stuff that entails.  When will I have time for that? I just don’t know.  I want to go back to playtime as well… but I fell ho hum about that too.  Deep down I miss it… but I don’t have that driving desire to have play time.  I’m sure it will be one of those things that once I do it again, I’ll get that playtime buzz.  Right now… I just don’t feel that way.  I am so worn thin I don’t have much more to give.

I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like being so tired… and I most certainly don’t like having sex once a week.  I just… ugh!

home sweet home

Long time no see… eh?

I have to say that the last month has been nothing but crazy.  From the day we found out that we were going to move… till today… we have been on the go.  It was simply exhausting.  Everyday held something to do.  I’d work.. then go home and work more.  There was tons to pack… stuff to get in order… a new place to find.. etc.  I was always tired and found very little time to relax.  Trying to uproot your life and move 70 miles away in three weeks is tiring.

Moving week came this week.  We packed all of our belongings into a uhaul truck on Tuesday night… and headed north first thing Wednesday morning.  The whole process was very hard on us…. moving is not an easy thing.  By the end of the day we were thoroughly drained.  We went out for dinner and I distinctly remember feeling so out of it… I had nothing left.  We came home to a sea of boxes that would need to be sorted through.  Somehow we got a second wind of sorts and started trying to make sense of the mess that was our new home.

We were up pretty late that night… and that was the start of what would take us till today to finish.  It all came together pretty nicely though.  As it took form… there was that sense of happiness… of being home.  I love our new place.  It feels like the place I’ve always meant to live in.  What is even better is that this is the first place that Ben and I had picked together.  The house we were living in was one I was in before meeting him.  So this place is very much us.. put together by our hands.  It’s a great feeling.

So all that is left to do now is hang a few more pictures and we will be completely settled in.  I start my new job on Tuesday… and haven’t really thought much about it.  I am pretty focused on getting things put together in the house.  Now that it’s all done, I imagine I’ll be thinking more about it.  I am supposed to go have lunch with Issac tomorrow.  It’s been over two weeks since I’ve seen him.  Finding time to see him hasn’t been really easy as I’ve been far too busy.

So that’s where I am right now.  I am very much alive…and quite happy.  It’ll be nice to have more time to relax again.  I can’t wait to get back to a normal schedule.  I should be able to get back to a normal posting schedule too.  So… keep your eyes out for me!

moving!

So Ben and I have been thrown into yet another whirlwind.  Late sometime last year, seems like it was October… he and I decided on something we had be talking about for over a year.  We decided that we wanted to move north.  We have friends that live 80ish miles away… which is where a bulk of our friends are.  We both had enough of this town and finally we figured it was time to make the move.

We knew we had to wait to save up some money and such before we could do so.  We’ve got to the point where we have the money to make the move and so now all that was holding us back was me having a job up there.  Ben’s job is closer to there than here.  I knew that it may take some time to find one for me… so I started throwing myself into the search on Monday.  Our plan was to wait till the end of the school year (June) to move.  Little did we know what was going to happen.

I made two phone calls on Monday… and found a job. They need to fill it ASAP.  I was floored.. and excited.  Who knew it was going to be THAT easy?! Not only would I get full time… but I would also make more than I do now.  It was like it was meant to be.. and I knew I couldn’t pass this up.  I didn’t know a chance like that would come by again.  And so.. we found ourselves… thrown into a move that was taking place in three weeks.

To say it’s a bit overwhelming, is an understatement.  We have so much to do.. in such a short period of time.  I’ve been coming home after work each day and packing part of the house up.  We are going up on our day off (Sunday) to look at apartments to move into.  It’s all a bit of a shock.  I’ve lived in this house since the summer of 2003… and so this is all strange for me.  I feel like I’m packing up my house just for fun and that I’m not really moving.  It’s a weird feeling.

So.. the point of this is that my posting will be sporadic.  I have more to do than I care to admit.  It’s hard to believe that this time next month I wont be here.  It’s a good thing though!  We are excited… and nervous.  I can’t wait to see what this chapter of our lives holds for us.

Wish us luck!

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

transitions

I had a few posts in my head… ones I have intended to write about.  I had began a happy new year post as well.  I was going to do a year in review post too.  All these things I planned on doing.. and yet couldn’t actually start.. and the ones I started sit unfinished.  They’re in limbo.  Kind of like me.

So much stuff has happened.  There are so many things going on in my world that I don’t write about.  Some of it I want to share but it’s moving at such a fast pace, I don’t know where to start to even begin to do it justice.  Other things are.. just too hard to talk about.  They’re always there in my head… this huge weight on my chest.  I feel like I can’t breathe.  I keep waiting for a break to come… a little bit of fresh air to fill my lungs… and it never comes.

I felt like for sure I’d catch a break after the holidays passed.  That was a big part of my stress on top of some stuff that was going on.  Yet.. they have come and gone.. and it seems I am more stressed now than before.  It just keeps coming. When does the relief come?  I want to run away.  I want some time that is stress free and fun.  I need that.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask.  I’m tired of being the strong one… I’m tired of trying to figure out what is the right thing to do.  Does it mean I’ll stop doing that?  No.  I’ll still keep being strong and making decisions and following through.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

There are changes happening in my world… a transition if you will.  I don’t know what my world will look like when all of this comes out of the wash.  I hope it has some resemblance of what it once looked like.  Perhaps I am being dramatic.  I don’t know.  What I do know is I need a break from my life right now.  I pick somewhere warm and sunny… where I can lay on the beach and have fruity cocktails served to me with little umbrellas.  I want the biggest decision I have to make to be if I want to sun bathe or snorkel.  I want to be able to focus on me.  Unfortunately that isn’t possible and so won’t happen.

Until I can get this all sorted out… I will be taking a break from my blog.  I could be back in a week (that’s pretty unlikely)… or it could be a month.  I just don’t know right now.  Right now I know that I am unable to share my story in this forum.  It’s all too raw.  I didn’t want to leave what few readers I have hanging, wondering where I am at.  So that’s my story right now.  It’s filled with stress… however… this too shall pass.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  Nothing lasts forever.. and so I know that brighter days will be in store for me.

that Christmas themed post

I’ve been feeling the pressure of the holidays and all the stuff that’s been going on with Ben.  It’s been weighing on me… and it was only a matter of time before I had a melt down.  We put up our tree about two weeks ago.  I had worked earlier that day and left in a really good mood.  I wasn’t grumpy in the least bit, which was quite surprising since I’m tired almost all the time right now.

I was making dinner and it was all ready six o’clock… and I was starting to feel the pressure to be able to get the tree up before the kids’ 8:30 pm bedtime.  I asked Ben to put up the tree so that we could jump right into decorating after dinner.  He didn’t feel like it… and so he didn’t.  Admittedly, it annoyed me.  Putting up the tree is always a source of stress for me.  I dunno why… I think it’s the perfectionist in me.    But every year it happens.. I get stressed and then cranky.  I was hoping that he would help ease some of that… this didn’t happen.  In his defense, I am not sure he realized (remembered?) that the tree decorating makes me feel that way.

In any case, after dinner… he and I set the tree up.  It was like night and day.  I went from relaxed… to super grumpy.  I knew I was being grumpy.. I just couldn’t stop myself.  I was utterly annoyed.  Once we got the tree standing I sat.. to wait for him to get the lights on… he didn’t.  I lost it.  It was ridiculous how I acted.. and I am not proud.. but yeah… there was my melt down.  I got really mad that he didn’t do the lights.  He said he didn’t know what I wanted him to do next… in which I replied in the tune of something snarky.  Sarcasm poured from my lips about how he’d never decorated a tree before.  This is where he stopped me.. and took me to our room before I really got of hand.

I argued with him.. lost in my anger… forgetting my place.  He finally had enough of my crap and left me in our room.  I didn’t bother to follow… I was pissed.  As soon as he left.. I felt terrible.  I knew what an ass I was being.  I felt terrible that I had treated him that way.. that I was ruining putting up the tree.  How could I not control myself?  It didn’t matter that I was under stress… I should still remember that he deserves my respect.  I laid down on the bed and cried.

He left me in our room for a bit before he came back in.  Ben came in and hugged me from behind.  I told him I was sorry… and I think he knew I really meant it.  I am sure he know why I was behaving that way too… which is probably why he was more understanding than he should have been.  I had hit my limit.  I knew I had.  Being the rock and working so much had finally taken it’s toll.  It was no surprise I cracked.

I pulled myself together and went to finish the tree with the kids.  I never found my good mood again… but I managed to get through the decorating.  I am sad that it went the way it did.  I wish so much that it hadn’t been how I melted down.  There is nothing I can do about it now but try to do things different next time.  I need to learn how to deal with my stress in other ways… and to go to Ben about it instead of taking it out on him.  In the end, I am only human and can only try to be the best version of myself.  He loves me no matter my flaws.  I am thankful to have such a loving and understanding Owner.  I don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes.

And so.. this is my Christmas story this year.  I think that so much of the world portrays the holidays as this happy time.. but the truth is.. sometimes there are bumps in the road.  Yes, there are good times.. but there are times that aren’t always pretty.  It’s taken some time for me to find my Christmas spirit this year but it has shown up.  I am excited for tomorrow and seeing the kids open their presents.  I love the holidays, but I am most certainly glad they are wrapping up.  I need some down time!

At any rate.. I am thankful to have my health… to have my family.. to have Issac.. to have a job- I am blessed.  Not everyone can say that this holiday season.  And so it’s with such happiness.. that I wish all of you a very happy holiday season, which ever one you celebrate.  I hope it’s the best one yet.. and filled with many good memories to cherish for the years to come.

Merry Christmas! XOXO

the end of something

Things have been pretty busy around our place this month.  It seems like the holidays are always like this.. never enough time to do anything.  It didn’t help that in this mix was thrown the death of Ben’s Mother.  So it seems like we have been scrambling to get everything done.   It’s been far too long since I’ve posted… I just honestly haven’t had the time.  I was excused from my posting till I could get a moment to do it in.

In this time.. some things have transpired for Ben.  He had been talking with this girl for some time.. and some strong feelings had grown between the two of them.  She had a few hang ups and it was causing the budding relationship not to move forward.  For me, I was anxious for him… wanting him so badly to have what I share with Issac.  I would occasionally ask if things were moving in the right direction but it always seemed it was stagnent.  She always wanted to get to know him better… there was always something going on with her.

To me… it seemed weird.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to make time for something good in your life… to have someone to lean on through the rough times.  Maybe I’m different, I don’t know.  What I do know is just tried to be supportive and understanding.  I was growing impatient for him though… and I think at times he was seriously growing tired of it as well.  He had invested a lot of time and effort into this girl.  They have known each other for over a year… and have been working towards a relationship since before I met Issac… so over three months.

So when we went to North Dakota and came home… things in our lives settled back into our normal routine.  We’d been home for a week when she told him that she had realized that she would never be his number one.  She didn’t know if that was what she wanted or needed out of her life.  She complained that she had never been anyone’s number one.  To me it seemed like an excuse…. but if it’s not.. that is fine.  I was very angry though… because to me… it felt like she had used him as an emotional crutch.  He was someone that filled her time… that would dote upon her.. give her attention and be there when she was down.  He filled the boyfriend role without actually getting the perks of being the boyfriend.  If it was true that she needed more than to be someone’s someone special… I am fairly certain she has always known that.  It makes me very upset that she led him on.  All this time, wasted.  He deserves better.

We didn’t talk about it much.. we were both at work when he showed me this.  I was pissed.  I fumed all day.. and into the evening as I was getting ready for playtime.  He wanted to go on like nothing had happened.. and in my eyes.. I didn’t see how that was possible.  How could he not be angry?  How could he go on… business as usual?  My mind was spinning… and I was trying to make sense of it… to reach out to him.. to protect him.  I kept thinking to myself she was lucky I am not a crazy person… because wanted to tell her just what I thought of her.  I didn’t- but I wanted to.

When he got home… the night spiraled out of control.  Somehow we started talking about what had happened.  He had decided he was going to still talk to her and be her friend, which I thought and still do think is a terrible idea.  How can wounds heal that way?  I don’t think they can.. but that is just my thoughts.  There were tears on both our parts.  I was still so angry for him.  I felt this intense wave over me that just screamed that I needed to protect him.  It was kind of surreal.  Who knew I’d have that sort of reaction? I certainly think its a good one.  He seemed to think so too… just by the look on his face as I poured my heart out about how I felt.

He told me he really liked her.. and I just wanted to make it all better for him.  He also said he missed his Mom.  Too much all at once… I could feel the weight on his shoulders… and I wanted to lighten the load.  I didn’t know how to.. but to hold him… be there for him.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  Sometimes we just have to work these emotions out for ourselves.

The whole night there was a dark cloud over us.  It had ruined playtime for us.  It was another reason for me to be angry with her.  Yes, she has a right to bow out of this… she has a right for it not to be the thing for her, but she could have done it sooner… before he was so emotionally involved.   I know women… and I know how they think.. she knew.  She knew that this wasn’t going to work for her.  And it’s bullshit.   But you know, it is her loss.  She will not find a man very easily that will be as committed, patient, and caring as he was to her.  She never deserved him.