Tag Archive: pain


Ben took over looking for porn.. as I was unsuccessful.  The peeled ginger root in the glass of water was taunting me.. the idea that it was going to be in my ass shortly was something I tired hard not to think about.  He quickly redirected my attention to his cock.  I set to work on it… lavishing it with all the focus I could muster.  No matter what, the ginger was still there in the back of my mind.  I didn’t want this to happen… but when it came down to it, that didn’t matter.  He had decided… and I would comply.. because that is the decision I made a long time ago.

Ben went through a few clips of porn before he settled on one that seemed it interest him.  I could feel how interested he was against my tongue.  I do so love when he is super turned on… it makes me feel really good.  He let me work him over for a while before he decided he wanted to warm my ass.  He asked if I was ready for some pain… as always.. I was.

I turned around in front of him… not knowing which implement he would choose.  He had me lay out the crop and cane.. so either were a real possibility.  I waited with bated breath.  Before I knew it.. I felt the first sting of the crop.  It always cuts through me… straight to my core.  I clenched my ass and yelped.  It didn’t take him long to get into a good stride.  I could feel the heat in my ass radiating off my skin.  I could feel the wetness grow between my thighs.

At some point he switched it up… throwing the cane in the mix.  The good thing about the cane is I manage that pain much better than the crop.  There is a sting.. but I can breathe through it.. where the crop I struggle with.  So this switch was very much welcome.  Minutes passed with him beating my ass… my cries cutting through the house.  And then another change… the beating stopped.  I felt him get behind me.. and slid his cock deep into my very needy cunt.

I sighed with pleasure from being filled.  I needed it.. to break up the pain.  A little bit of pleasure always helps with that.  His hands dug into my hips… pulling me back into him.  I could certainly get used to this reprieve… enjoying each minute that passed.  Only this wouldn’t last.  He wanted to beat me some more… to make my ass feel what he had to give.

Another round of the cane and crop bombarded my back side.  At some point there was no thought of what lay ahead, but just living in the moment… taking in the pain.  Time passed… and before I knew it, it was time.  He asked if I was ready… and I most certainly was not.  He took it out of the water… and pressed it against my ass.  I tried so hard to relax… being tense was only going to make it worse.

He slowly worked it in… and I could feel the foreign object invading me.  There was a spot on the top that felt particularly rough.  I tried to tough it out… maybe it was just me needing to relax.  As he moved it in and out a bit, I knew this wasn’t the case and told him it hurt in a way it wasn’t supposed to.  Ben told me to relax and removed it.  I could already feel the beginning stages of the warmth it brought.

He shaved it down a little in the spot that wasn’t right and then reinserted it.  Ben made sure it was better before proceeding.  It felt a lot smoother… as far as better, well that is all relative isn’t it?  The burn was picking up… I had to focus.. and breathe.  I kept my eyes shut… trying to stay on top of it because if I lost control… it’d be all over with.  I told myself I could do this.  I knew I could.

Then… Ben broke out the cane again.  I could feel my heart sink.  My heart raced and my ass burned.  This wasn’t pleasant… and I didn’t like it.. at all.  But still.. I tried to stay focused as each stroke made contact with my very red ass.  I don’t know how much time passed.  It ceased to exist.  All that was there was us…  and that damn ginger in my ass.

Somewhere in there.. the ginger had leaked… and rolled down to make my pussy lips burn.  It was all so much to handle…. and yet it wasn’t over.  When Ben was satisfied I’d taken enough from the cane… he got behind me.  I knew what was coming.  We had talked about it long ago… fantasized about it… dreaded it. His cock plunged deep inside of my pussy…and this time.. there was no pleasure.  I couldn’t feel any pleasure through the burning.  It was non-existent.  He asked me if that was good… and I believe I said no.  I can’t really remember… I was in survival mode.

Time stopped.  I whined.. and tried hard to breathe.. all the while he was thoroughly enjoying himself.  My brain just kept replaying.. let this just end.. please cum.. please cum.  Before long I was questioning if I could survive this.  I didn’t know anymore… even if I was determined.  Please cum.  It burned so intensely.  My ass so full… my cunt so full.  If only I could be enjoying this.  Please cum.  So close to tears… just focus… I can do this.  Please, please, PLEASE cum.  I may die.  And then… he came.

Still I found no pleasure.. I was in agony.  Once his spasms were complete.. he pulled out… then removed the ginger carefully.  I collapsed.  And if this was possible.. it was worse after he pulled it out.  It seems all the juice was freed from it’s ginger root dam.  I just wanted it to stop burning.  Luckily.. since the source was gone… the burning slowly started to dissipate.

It would take minutes before I could actually speak.  The burning had cold to just a mild annoyance.  It was a tough experience… just as the first.  I found pleasure in very little… mostly that I had survived it without begging out of it.  I felt pretty proud of myself.  It was a major accomplishment in my eyes.  But damn, my poor ass.

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two for Tuesday

It was Ben morning to take the kiddo to school.  I was left in bed to snooze and keep the sheets warm.  When he got back he returned to our bed and cuddled up to me.  I smiled to myself in my groggy state… half awake before sighing to myself and attempting to fall back asleep.  I’m not sure if minutes passed or closer to thirty minutes, but I felt has hand glide over my ass and going straight to between my legs.

His fingers probed till they slid into my cunt with little to no effort.  I stayed on my stomach accepting his fingers thrusting into me… listening to the sound of my cunt growing wetter.  He didn’t do this long… I imagine he only did it to make sure that I was prepared to accept what was coming.

He pulled his fingers out… then mounted me… sliding his cock deep inside with a moan of approval from me.  He pumped away immediately.  His hands propped his body weight up on my ass before he moved one to my back, effectively pinning me down.  I loved the feel of his hands on me… the weight of him pressing me down.

This was no act of fucking to please me… but an act of pleasing himself.  If I got pleasure through it… then okay, but that was not what was propelling him.  He fucked me hard… my moaning getting louder as he got closer to cumming.  He thrusted into me over and over… me imagining the look on his face…. the look of lust and delight.  Shortly after he was dumping his cum inside of me and climbing off me.  And like that he was done and cuddling back up to me.  I was rode hard and put away wet.

We slept a while longer, me getting up before him.  I wasn’t up long before he called out to me.  I rejoined him in bed to cuddle some more.  I love mornings like these… where we have no purpose for the day but to just be together.  Like earlier, I was on my stomach.  He was spooning me from behind.  Out of no where he decided he wanted me once more…. not completely sated from before.  He remounted me.. sliding his cock back into my cunt.  This time he was feeling sadistic.

He squeezed my ass hard… then would smack it… all the while fucking me…. pinning me down again.  He paused his thrusting and told me to fuck his cock.  I obeyed.. pushing my body back into him all the while he hurt me.  I cried out in pain in pleasure.. a strange mixture that drove me crazy.  He went back and forth… between me fucking him and him running the show before he told me to turn around and suck his cock.

I turned and plunged my mouth down on his cock.  I apparently wasn’t doing it as he wished, because he grabbed my head and fucked it vigorously.  I choked and gagged but held on like a champ.  I gasped for air each moment I got a chance… and suddenly he was done with my face.  Again, he told me to turn around so another round of abuse and fucking began.

He wet his cock with my cunt… and pulled out.  He pressed against my ass… but at a weird angle.  I moved a little allowing him better entry to my ass… and so he slipped in.  He pushed deeper and deeper till he hit the hilt using only my wetness to fuck my asshole.  My ass is well trained, but it always hurts.  I like it.. strangely enough.  Not in the way that I’m moaning with pleasure… but in the way I know I’m serving him…. and know how much he loves it.  It turns me on in a different way…. I knew that I’d be dripping wet when he was done.

His hands returned to my back…. his rhythm not that of urgency… but that of riding something that feels good and wanting to make it last.  In my head I wanted him to take what he wanted… however long it took…. and other moments I was in pain and just really wanted him to cum.  Mostly I just wanted him to use his slave.  I got something different out of it… a satisfaction that you can’t have without wanting someone to use you for their pleasure.  All the while I tried to stay calm because tensing would only hurt me more.  I cried out in pain every now and then… when it got too much.  I think he likes knowing it… knowing that I’m hurting for him… and I think that’s part of what put him over the edge.  I could feel his body shake against me… the grunting of his relief… the satisfaction of what he needed.

He slid out of my well used ass and laid back onto the bed.  We laid there for a moment… me savoring what I had given him.  I had this strange mix of pleasure and surrealism.  I love where my head goes when he uses me so roughly… its addictive. A few minutes passed before he pulled me into his arms.  He told me how much I please him… which made me smile.  I love hearing his approval… his praise.  It makes me want to endure anything to hear those words…. to make him happy.  We laid there for a bit before he told me it was shower time.  I so badly wanted to cum.. I could feel how wet I was.  I was afraid to ask… I didn’t want to be denied… but I needed the release… and so I went for it.

He asked me why I deserved to cum.  My answer was that I did as he asked without complaining… which caused him to smirk.  He gave his approval…. I thanked him… then rolled onto my back and reached down to my clit.  I was amazed at how wet I was as I dipped into my cunt to wet my fingers.  His hands laid on me… touching me… pinching my nipples.  Words flowed out of his mouth… driving my urgency to cum.  I am sure only a few minutes passed before I rubbed myself to a earth shattering orgasm.  He sighed with approval… loving the fact that he has control over making my body feel that good.  Yes… I love starting mornings like this.

(30 Days of Kink will resume tomorrow… I needed a break!)

29 candles… 261 swats

Yesterday was the last birthday I’ll have that has a twenty tacked in front of it.  It’s kind of weird to think about really… but time presses on, no?  You make the best of what time you have and enjoy the moments life offers.  Normally birthdays are something I build up in my head… and end up being disappointed because they aren’t as big of a deal as I think they are.  Before me, Ben had never had someone that birthdays were a big deal to and so he had a bit of a learning curve to get it right.  The last few birthdays have been good for sure.  Yesterday was no exception.

Both the kids wished me happy birthday when they left for school and I was left to sleep in.  Ben woke me up a little after nine with breakfast in bed accompanied with my present and two cards (one funny and one mushy).  We ate in bed together letting the natural light pour in.  After we finished I opened my cards and present (a new iPod dock because my old one died a few months back).  We cuddled back into the sheets afterwards.

It wasn’t long before Ben’s hands were wandering.  It was a rare moment where he was totally focused on me… and making me feel good.  My cunt was totally drenched… as his fingers slide inside of me.  He said as an added birthday present… for the whole day I could cum whenever I wanted.  It was kind of surreal.  One of those moments you look forward to, but aren’t really sure what to do with.  I was in the heat of the moment, though, and didn’t really miss a beat.  I reached down and rubbed my clit to an amazing orgasm.

From there we showered and got ready for our day.  We headed down to Portland for a day of shopping and being together.  We meandered around where I got some new clothes.. and Ben found a few beers he wanted to try.  After we headed to the Japanese Garden.  We walked around.. soaking up the nice weather… and the quiet of the beautiful place.  After we left we went to dinner  then headed back home.

Later in the night was birthday spanking time… a time honored tradition that we simply cannot ignore.  Ben had decided I was to get twenty-nine swats with nine different implements he picked out.  He was nice enough to let me pick out the order in which they’d be used.  I sat on the bed looking over the mixture of toys trying to decide what would be the best way to sort them… all the bad ones first…. all the easy ones first…. or mixing up the good and the bad.  In the end, I decided to to mix it up leaving easy ones at the beginning and the end.

So I bent over the bed and prepared myself for the oncoming ass warming.  I was to count each swat, something new to us.  He started… five swats on each cheek with a plastic ping pong paddle.  I thought this was going to be one of the easier implements as in the past it has been… boy was I wrong.  By the end of the grouping of spankings.. I was panting heavily.

Next came the stainless steel cake spreader.  This has always been one of our more brutal implements as it easily draws blood.  Each swat cut right through me… and I reached out for his hand.    He kept going though.. delivering the second set of blows.  He set the spatula down and rubbed my back.  He comforted me… knowing the pain that he’d brought me… helping soothe my breathing.  After a few minutes, he asked if I was ready for the next grouping.

He picked up a slotted spatula next… it was the easiest to take so far even though we were only a third of a way into my birthday spankings.  I counted out each swat as he delivered them.  This set went the fastest for sure.  Again he asked if I was ready for the next… and I was.. waiting bent over the bed… ass out… asking it’s Owner to brighten my skin.

Ben grabbed the next toy in line… my second most hated toy, a pancake spatula.  This thing is evil… it delivers a blow with a bite and a thud.. a strange little mixture.  I was not looking forward to this one… and braced myself for the worst.  Within first four I was wiggling and had to be reminded to stay in position.. it was so hard.  The pain was unbearable…. I could hardly process it.  I kept telling myself over and over that it was only twenty-nine blows and that I could get through them.  It just didn’t feel like that.  Strangely enough, I made it through with an additional hit. When I called him on it… he said he’d take one off next year… and then he comforted me once more before moving onto the next set.

The flogger came out next… delivering twenty-nine well picked hits.  I wiggled through them… counting each one so he could hear them.  Then came the cane… my ass was sore but I knew I was getting close to the end.  His hand had to hold me in place again… I was struggling to deal with it all.  Just a few more implements I told myself.. just a few more.  The wooden spatula came next… also one of the rough toys.  I lost count through this one… being reminded what number we should be on.

He pressed on… two more to go.  He grabbed the crop… the stings landing on each cheek.  So close to being done.. the pain becoming almost impossible to handle.  When he announced that there was only one more to go… I felt all too relieved.  He picked up the last one… another type of spatula.  My ass was sore… but it was a welcome toy… one that didn’t hurt nearly as bad.  I counted out the last grouping… and was greated by a wonderful Owner… holding me close.  He climbed onto the bed and pulled me into him… telling me happy birthday and kissing me.

It was a wonderful birthday to say the least.  If I have to grow older… that’s how I want to spend them.  Spanked and loved.

30 Days of Kink- Day 3

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Well, I think deep down I’ve always known… just never realized it I guess.  Before I met Ben.. I had an old school friend out visiting me.  The day he was scheduled to go home.. he was messing around on his laptop and so I was passing the time chatting on Yahoo.  I was messaged by someone that lived two hours north of me and we hit it off.

He had this thing for dominating women.. more about tying them up and such than anything.  From that first meeting we chatted quite a bit and when I felt comfortable we met up.  The first time we played… he hogtied me and made me make him cum before he’d let me loose.  I was hooked.

I remember driving home from that experience looking at the indention on my wrists from the rope and being in awe.    We would end up playing some more from there… trying out different things but always sticking with the bondage theme.  It would come out through our interactions online that he was a switch.  I topped him twice in the course of our relationship of sorts.  I found out rather quickly it wasn’t the right thing for me.  I did it because I felt like he deserved to have the favor returned so to speak.

It didn’t take me long to realize that any long term partner I would have needed to be kinky as well.  It was a need that I couldn’t go without.  Lucky for me, Ben fit that bill.  He knew about that stuff pretty early on… I always had a sense of safety and trust with him.  However, by the time Ben and I became a couple my taste for submission changed to something less forced.  I preferred to give my submission to him freely without being bound.  It was fun every now and then but I began leaning to the pain side of things more.  It seemed more powerful to me if I was sitting there accepting what he gave me of my own will.

And so, a new me was born… it was like I was set free.  I found something new that gave me a sense of self.  It has become one of those things I can’t live without (happily that is) and that I can’t remember what it was like before I discovered it.   I wonder if I hadn’t met the first guy if I would’ve ever realized this about myself.  Most of me thinks I would have sooner or later…. I’m just glad I found it.  It certainly has enriched my life… our life.

30 Days of Kink- Day 2

Day 2: List your kinks.

I like to think of myself as a kinky person… but when it comes to actually listing the things that make me kinky… well that’s a different story.  It’s a bit of work…. like telling someone you’re a good person then being asked what makes you that.  I feel like I just am… and so describing it is hard.  There’s a kink checklist out there… but I think I’m going to go with the big ones and not outline everything that turns me on.  I’ll try my best!

Well I think we should start out with my number one thing… pain.  I make no secret of how much I love pain.  I love a good spanking.  My favorite implement is the cane.  There is something about pain that just does it for me.. that I crave.  I love for Ben to push me past my comfort zone out into uncharted territory.  I long for the head space that only a good beating can give me.

Another big thing for me… is control… or lack there of.  There is nothing like feeling his control over me…. it goes straight to my cunt and makes me ache for him.  My go to for getting myself off… is imagining him watching me rub my clit.  He talks to me… asking questions and making him repeat things that make me slightly uncomfortable.  There is something so sexy about it.  I love knowing that all he has to do is tell me… and I’ll do it.. struggle or not.  It’s incredible really… giving over so much power to another person.

Lately, my big interest has been objectification.  I think it’s a wide range of stuff… but my biggest pull is being used.  I love being used for Ben’s pleasure… just being holes for him to get satisfaction from.  It’s one of those things that just drives me insane.  It turns me on so much but I struggle with it because I want to be taken care of too because of that.  It’s addicting though.. and I look forward to each time he brings this out to play.

Anal is another big one for me.  Several years ago it was one of those things I would do.. but never crave.  Now is completely different.  I love anal.  I love it with and without lube for different reasons.  I love my nJoy plug.  I love Ben stretching my ass.. training it to take his cock with little effort.  We’ve come so far in this.. it’s rare when anal is painful for me now which I think is the change for me in my feelings towards it.

So there’s my biggies.  There’s other little things.. but I really wanted to focus on the ones I like the most.   In the future I’m sure we will develop others as we both really love trying new things.  After all, don’t we all grow and change?

What is it about a good spanking that kicks my mind into overdrive… from a submissive stand point?  What is it that I crave so much.. that works wonders for my focus?  It’s the question Ben posed to me.  It’s a good one… and something I really had to think about.  I mean I know the general reasons… but the root? I didn’t have an immediate answer.. nor did he want one.  It was meant to make me think.

There is something about knowing that a session is coming.  There is an anticipation that I can’t really describe.  I used to get really excited about them as they were random events… but now is different.  I still get excited.. but it’s more of a looking forward to a sort of maintenance.  The fun kind like when you are getting your nails done… or a touch up on your hair color.  It just makes you feel good.  There is a sense of reliability there… I always knows I have that coming in my future. I don’t always know what day of the weekend it will happen, but I know it will.  There is comfort in that…. it makes my heart swell- odd as that may sound.

I love when Ben decides to mix things up.. throw in something new or unexpected.  That’s when the wait is truly exciting.  I imagine what it will be like… and wonder if what I’ve dreamed up with match the actual event.  It’s rare when I am nervous prior to a play session… and I am thankful for that.  The good thing about knowing it’s coming keeps my mind on it… getting myself prepared to be completely and utterly at his whim.  I love that feeling- nothing like it.

During is a always a coin toss.  Sometimes it’s hard to get my head space to where it needs to be.  Other times, it’s easy like a flip of a switch to be in sub mode.  It just really depends on what’s going on.  I try to let go of all the outside world and soak up the experience, but sometimes that is easier said than done.  When I’ve been particularly stressed out or feeling out of sorts… it takes me a bit to really give my mind over.  It’s really those times I need it the most… its a stress relief for sure.  But then there is the other purpose… the one I look for more.  It’s a time used to refocus my submission to my Owner…. to reaffirm my place in his world.  The place I so badly desired and love so much.

So much during the week we go through the motions of life…. doing the things that are required of us.  Yes there are rules… yes there are duties I follow but I don’t always feel my submission as deeply during the week.  It isn’t possible for me to be naked at his feet all the time (in fact that doesn’t happen all that often).  It isn’t possible for me to always just be his submissive… I have many roles in my life that require a part of me. It doesn’t change that I am his by any means, it’s just easy to get lost in the business of living life.  I like when he brings me back down  to our world so that we can solidly focus on just us.  It’s a special time for sure… one I need.

So by the time he is done with a good beating (hehe)… I feel cleansed… floaty… submissive.  It’s like a drug.. one I want over and over again.  I just have to love that adrenaline rush.. simply amazing.  I love how completely in sync we feel after.  We are just connected.  And so that feeling can last  sometimes several days… or just a day or two.  Again, it depends on life and what’s going on.  I try to enjoy it for however long it lasts and hold onto that feeling.  If I could bottle it…  and keep it for a rainy day, I so would.

In any case…. the session serves it’s purpose to refocus me on my Owner.  It helps distress me.. and allows for the world just to be about he and I for that brief period of time.  I need that.  As much as I love focusing on his pleasure only… I need to have the pain that comes from a thorough spanking.  I need both to feel in balance.  It stopped being just a want a long time ago for me.  I can tell the difference in my demeanor when I go too long without it… and it’s not a good feeling.  I don’t like feeling out of whack…. it makes me anxious.

He and I only get two days a week alone when the kids are gone to their father’s house and so it is really important to me that we make the most of the time we do get.  I have to get a weeks worth of submissive energy to get me through the week so to speak. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get anything out of the little things we do during the week, because I do.  It just means that I get so much of serving him sexually…. and receiving a good spanking.  They both serve different purposes for my mind… both are needed.. like my feet need socks and shoes during the winter.  I need the mental and sexual service from him to feel balanced.

And so I look forward to the weekends like a kid does… as they hold something exciting and special.  I love pain. I love taking what is given to me till I hit my limit.  I long to be pushed to the brink.. just to see how far I can go…. to see what heights it will take my mind.  It’s complex and simple at the same time and I’m glad that Ben gives me that.  I feel so lucky to have a partner that loves me enough to make sure my needs are being met in every way.  Now… is it Friday yet?

Game. Set. Match.

You know the say… don’t challenge your Dominant… he will take you up on said challenge. Last weekend he told me to purchase a ginger root when I was out grocery shopping. I believe his original plan was to use it that night as he had wanted to play with our asses. I told him that the root needed some fridge time so that changed the plan.

That left this weekend.  There wasn’t a lot of lead up to it… which was fine. I had a busy day at work and so wouldn’t have had too much time to focus on leading texts. Ben did send me a preparation text letting me know how he wanted me when he arrived home.

When I got home.. I showered and readied myself. I watched a movie as I waited for him to get home. As I heard him in the driveway I pulled off my tshirt and tossed it aside, kneeling naked in our living room. I waited as porn played on the television… but didn’t watch. I looked at the ground.. listening to him behind me. I was freezing… it took everything in me not to tremble from that cold.

When he came to me… he had striped down to nothing. His hands traced over my skin… over my nipples that were hardened from the frigid air.  He was so intimately in my bubble… so sweet… it made me melt. I could feel his cock poking into my back…. just ask he pushed me forward and dipped into my pussy. He fucked me with little to regard to my comfort… and I liked knowing that I was there to satisfy him.

When he was done, he gave me two tasks to complete while he showered.  I stayed on my hands and knees until he left the room… then hurried to finish the chores he had given. When I was done I bowed down in front of the bathroom door and waited. I was aware of everything he was doing from the sounds that echoed from the room. I could almost picture all the stuff he was doing… from putting on his deodorant to brushing his hair before he exited.  He bent down to me… telling me I was his good girl. If I were a cat.. I would have purred.

He walked me to the living room on my hands and knees. Sitting down on the couch… he pulled me to him to pleasure him with my mouth while he watched the images on the screen.  I do very much enjoy doing that while he watches porn. It was always a fantasy of mine… and now I get to live pretty frequently. It never gets old.

I worked him over as he sat there… his hands to his side never once touching me with his hands. I could feel how wet I was getting from it… and it made me feel all warm and tingly inside…. even if I wasn’t warm on the outside. I sucked his cock until I felt this frantic need inside of him being pushed out… he was going to cum.  He was going to use my mouth as a receptacle.  As his sperm emptied into my throat I choked and sputtered trying desperately to swallow it all. Once I was done… I licked out a few drops that I’d lost.

I laid my head against him… and he reassured me we weren’t done for the night. A few minutes passed and he decided my ass needed warming. I turned… leaving my ass in the air as he went through several different implements.  I was trying hard to stay on top of the pain he was giving but there is something about being cold that makes it harder. Ben and I agreed that its probably because my muscles are tensed which makes it harder to manage what he gives me.

After a little warming… he sent to me to the kitchen after a knife and ginger root. I did as I was told also grabbing a plastic bag to capture the peel off the root.  I rejoined him… sitting the things he asked for on the floor.  He handed me the bag and set to the task of peeling it. I wasn’t nervous… surprisingly.. just sat there watching him remove the skin to expose the flesh inside. He asked me what I though after he was done… I felt it… and pointed out a few spots that needed to be improved on.

When it was perfectly smoothed out and rinsed off.. he asked if I was ready. I was… and still not nervous. In hind sight… I should have been. I turned and put my ass in the air.  He touched the root to my ass… reminded me to relax… and started slowly working it in. Once it was half way in.. I could feel a tiny bit of warmth. By the time it was all the way in… the warmth was a little more intense.

Ben went to work on my ass… causing me to clinch each time the tool he used made contact with my skin. I was starting to feel panicky.  The heat was majorly intense already. I’m not sure if it was the juice that rolled down to my clit… over the lips of my pussy.. of it was the hook of the ginger pressing into my cunt that was burning. I couldn’t differentiate the two… all I knew was that it was on fire.  Just inside my ass was too… like a hot poker being shoved into me.

The tears broke… I was feeling out of control. My breathing was rapid and Ben could tell I was spiraling into disarray. He talked to me.. telling me to breathe… to calm down… that he owned me… and I was okay. I’m pretty sure at this point less than five minutes had passed… and already, I hated that damn ginger. It was more than I could take… and that’s saying a lot. I begged for him to take it out… I needed for him to take it out… please. He said two more minutes… and I groaned. Two minutes? I wanted it out then but like everything else, it wasn’t up to me. I was going to have to deal with it even if I didn’t want to.  I’m sure this is was a reminder (like I could forget?) of who was in charge. I asked for this after all… we would end on his terms, not mine.

I pushed through the heat in my ass… I was in melt down mode… I wanted so badly to be done.  I was for sure I was done…. I begged again for it to be removed… and yet there was still a minute left.  These seemed like the longest minutes of my life!  The burning was so overwhelming. I hated the fact that I knew it wouldn’t just completely subside the moment he took the ginger out… but it had to be less than what I was feeling in that moment. I pushed through the tears…. though I will admit that I was struggling big time.

When the two minutes passed, he told me to relax… and he slowly pulled it out. I was right about it not dissipating immediately but it was much better than when it was firmly planted inside of me. He pulled me to him… letting me cry against me. He asked if I wanted to go to bed and cuddle… I did. I hadn’t wanted that before. Before I wanted a thorough beating.. one I’ve been needing for some time. There would be no way I could have focused on a beating after being figged.. no way.. no how.

We climbed into bed… he pulled me close to him. He let me cry… it was what I needed. When I calmed down… he asked if I was going to be wanting to do that again. My answer was a resounding no. I thought for sure I was going to like it… and turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong.  He told me he was so proud of me for trying it… that he’s proud that I’m always up for trying new things. I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed on how it turned out.  I had pushed so hard to try figging… I kept mentioning it… and when I got it… I lasted less than ten minutes. Maybe even five. I was disappointed in myself to a point… I liked that he was proud… but it was hard to see why he would be.

He kept talking to me… telling me that all that mattered was that was proud and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I think he’s right…now.  I did try it…. and just because I didn’t like it.. didn’t make me me failure at it.  It just didn’t turn out to be my cup of tea.  There is no shame in being wrong… I couldn’t have known what it would really be like.

I had no idea I would have such a strong reaction to figging.  Ben and I had done plenty of research and such on the topic before we actually acted on it. There was such a broad spectrum of how people reacted to it… from a little tingle…. to a full on burning sensation. I guess I was on the far end… because it burned like hell.  I certainly never want to do it again… not even to see if it was just a really good root.  As the burn was disapating.. I already started to question if that was how I really felt… how quickly my mind forgot.  Even if my ass was feeling like that wasn’t too bad after all… my mind knows it was that bad after all.

So over all… it was a success… in that now I know that I don’t like it. You never know what you will and won’t enjoy unless you try it… and in doing so… I am educated. Experienced. Just for that feeling… it was worth it. Tonight may not have turned out like we had planned… but so many things in life don’t. I think its important to roll with the punches and take life as it comes.  Now I guess it’s time to find something else to fantasize about… to long for.  For now… that’s game… set… match.

My review…. thumbs down (haha).

 

the battles that lay within

I am human. Sometimes what I should think and feel aren’t what I actually think and feel. I try to be at my best… to do the things I should… but sometimes there are outside influences.. sometimes that “I shouldn’t have to do that” thought process creeps in.

With our recent distractions I really thought it was going to be easy to just step right back into my place. Admittedly… it was not.  I struggle with control.. I’ve always been the one who had it. When I plan stuff… I overlook it all… making sure everything is just as I want it. I think it tends to go to my head. I don’t know how to turn that off.

I think with that combined with my perception that Ben wants our dynamic less… this makes it even more hard.  I know in my head that this isn’t true.. but more along the lines that he was giving me the mental space I needed to make everything else work. I’m sure he didn’t want me to become even more overwhelmed.  I’ve thought a lot about that. I could be wrong but perhaps letting our dynamic fall to the wayside is a disservice to us. That perhaps I need that continued strong hand even more so in times like that.

I don’t truly know if that is the case or not… as I’ve yet to experience that. Life is just a trial and error really. If one thing doesn’t work… trying another might.  All I know is… his distanced dominance has made my head run with dozens of thoughts. I still do as I am supposed to… but I’m more lazy about it. My head thinks that if he’s not concerned about it… why should I? If he’s not paying attention then what is the point? I hate feeling that way… and yet my mind refuses to not think of such things.

I will tell you the point though. The point is… I gave myself over to this type of relationship. Just because I don’t think he’s being in charge the way I want him to be.. doesn’t make him any less in charge.  The problem isn’t with him (though perhaps he has been laxing because the task of being in charge can become wary), it’s with me and the way I’ve been thinking and behaving.  In a perfect world I would be the perfect owned girl… one where no matter what is going on.. or how my Owner is behaving I would never falter. Unfortunately we don’t live in a fantasy world. I don’t spend my days at home serving my Owner only… being only at his disposal. I work.. and have kids.. and family… and duties that do not lend themselves to being in that ideal position.

I think half the battle is realizing the issue… the real work begins on getting to where both and he and I want me to be.  I know many people would say that if I am not behaving the way I should, that it’s the dominant’s fault. I beg to differ. We are both adults… in a relationship and we both have to give 100% or it won’t work. I cannot expect him to fix something like this on his own. It is both of our jobs to get my head where it needs to be. I need his outward dominant presence just as much as I need to think and behave as his good submissive.

Last night Ben made quite the effort to get me where I need to be. For me… play sessions always recenter me…. give me the focus I need. I know a lot of submissives don’t need that.. but I do. It keeps me for getting my head too big. It’s been three weeks since I’ve had a real beating of sorts.  I had missed it so… and it certainly took it’s toll not only on my thoughts.. but on my body too.  I struggled with the pain I wanted and needed so badly. No matter how I tried to accept it.. my brain fought it tooth and nail. There was tears… and inner turmoil but he was there.. ever constant. He was so patient and loving… while pushing me to where I wanted to go. We played for two hours… which didn’t seem that long. My ass was red and very sore when all was done and over with.

I didn’t think I went as deep as I needed to go… but I don’t think I could have gone that deep last night. I have to be in a certain mind frame and I just wasn’t going there.  Needless to say.. we shall see if his efforts to contain me will work. If anything it’s a several footsteps in the right direction. Seeing the marks on my back this morning made me smile… I so rarely mark and so when I do… its special. I was quite pleased with them.

I can only hope that my inner battle is once more buried and that I am on my way back to being happily at his command- time will answer this.

something new

We tried something new yesterday… no scratch that… he tried something new yesterday. It was my weekly beating… which I ever so much look forward to. I love the pain he gives me… I love when he pushes me hard. The way he makes me endure… the way he keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. I love the place it all takes me to. I love how it works deep down into my very core and leaves me ever so docile after.

We showered together… and he left me to prepare… making sure I was all clean and smooth for him. He told me to take my time… to get in the right head space to receive my beating.  I’m not sure about any other person, but I know for me, I have to be in the right frame of mind or I can’t take as much pain. I feel all erratic and panicky. It’s not very conducive to either us.. in fact its pretty frustrating.  He knows this about me… he knows how to handle me very well.

And so I did as I was told… I focused on getting ready with the knowledge of what was coming. I stayed calm… and strange sort of calm… a focused calm. It is hard to describe. When I was all done… I joined him in the living room. He told me to kneel before him… and to my knees I went. The order of things are a big fuzzy to me now… but I’ll try to replay them right.

He asked if I was ready to take pain from him… if I was in the right frame of mind… I was. I was prepared for our usual play that is. I always have a pretty good idea how things are going to go. I wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead of me. He pulled me forward… his hands running over my ass. He spanked me… and then had me sit back up. He was so cool and calm. There was no doubt he was in control.

This is where things took a different path than they normally do. He asked again if I was ready… and I said I was. He started slapping my tits… hard. They stung and felt like they were on fire. I kept breathing… trying not to cry out. I could take this… I knew I could.  I could feel the tears building inside of me. He asked if I liked that…. and I did. I like the pain… we both know that. Then he threw me of kilter. He slapped my face. It didn’t shock me… but inside me…emotions welled up… ones I cannot explain.  The tears flowed. He asked if I liked that. I didn’t like that in my head…. my cunt told a different story.

He asked why I didn’t like it… but continued to slap my face.. on each side. I couldn’t tell him why I didn’t like it… because truth be told I really didn’t know. Even now… out of the moment… out of the emotion of it, I have no idea why it rocked me to my core. I don’t know why it caused a river of tears to pore down my face.

He told me he was going to be mixing things up from now on… so that I would be on my toes… not knowing what to expect. He said that I didn’t like it now… but that I would grow to… to even crave it. I can see that about myself too…. I’m the type of person that will latch onto something that my owner loves and love it myself. This is because I want to be everything he wants me to be… to share things with him… to thirst for the same things. Whether or not this is a character flaw…. I don’t know. Prime example… anal. I was never that big of an anal fan but would do it. It wasn’t till Ben that I really came to love it.

And so I can see him slapping my face to be the same way. Right now… when he does it and my ears ring… it’s hard to handle. I don’t know what brings the hard sobs… the only thing I do know is that I will take it. It’s what I do… I take what he gives me. I take pride in that.  I fight to keep taking it even when I feel overwhelmed… or panicked. I want him to be proud of me…. even wowed with what I withstand. Not just for him though, because I know after the fact if I tap out… I will regret it. I will think to myself that I could have taken more… lasted longer. Coping is all in the head… mind over matter as they say.

I may not love being slapped in the face right now… but I will. He is very much right about this. Chances are the next time I wont love… maybe even the next couple times. But slowly, I’ll start to want it. Maybe even ask for it. Before long, I’ll be fantasizing about it.  Longing for it. Needing it. That’s just where he wants me… how it wants me. And what he wants… he shall have.

Punished-5

I’m writing this post… pre punishment. I wanted to write about my thoughts before they went away about how I got myself to being punished.

I am supposed to blog once a week at least. I haven’t had much to talk about as of late… and so days passed with no posts. It’s funny how quickly time passes without you realizing. And so when Ben texted me this afternoon (Saturday) at work… my heart raced. I thought he hadn’t noticed…

“Its been almost 10 days since you have last done a blog post. I thought I said to write one once a week. Am I mistaken?”

Damn it. Such a stupid thing to mess up on…. I had valid reasons why I hadn’t done it. My valid reasons don’t matter though. I didn’t do it… I didn’t talk to him about it…. I just decided all on my own that it was okay wait till I actually had something to write about. Back in the day.. this would have been okay. My old way of thinking… of being… isn’t my life anymore though. It’s time I figure that out.

I didn’t want to give him my excuses. I’m a big girl…. I made my decisions… I am big enough not to try to weasel my way out of being in trouble. I told him that I wouldn’t try to explain.. but he told me to. And so.. I did. He said he understood the reasons… but that didn’t change the fact I wasn’t compliant. I was still going to be punished. I hated the thought of going home to this… that it’d be on my mind all afternoon…. and that it would probably happen when he got home. It would ruin him coming home for me… and its hard to rebound from being punished. Its hard not to stay in that mind frame. I think that bedtime punishments are the best for this. I don’t have to come back from it and go on with the night like nothing happened. Being punished early in the night means I have to buck up and move passed it.

Even more sucky is that I was going to ask if I could cum… I still wanted to ask after it was brought up.. but thought better of it. I knew what the answer would be… it would be no. In light of me not doing as I am supposed to…. why on earth would I think I deserved to be able to get off?  I hate that. I think I am still coming to grips of my loss of control of my sexual gratification. But that is a whole other story. So yeah.. I didn’t ask. Maybe I should have… but like I said, I’m sure he’d have said no… and I hate being turned down.  This makes it feel like I have some say in it… even if I don’t really.

So here I sit… waiting till he gets home… I want it to hurry up. But then again… I don’t. I want it over with… but I hate actually going through it.

____________________________________________________________________________

Post punishment.

I’m kind of… I dunno.  Ben got home and we showered. When my alarm for my plug to be inserted went off I went to the bedroom to put it in. He came in when I was lubing it up. He had me stand up and kissed me softly then led me to the corner of the bed. I held onto the plug and bent over. The wire hanger came down twice on my ass.

His hands rubbed over the welts gently then he slid his cock into my pussy.  He fucked me… and in my head I went through a thousand emotions. It was hard to get into it completely… I had surrendered to the fact he was going to take what he wanted from me. I knew I was going to get little in return of satisfaction.

He broke out the cane.. and it hurt.. a lot. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the cane. I wasn’t handling it well and he was not too thrilled with that.  He told me so. I refocused and tried hard to grin and bare it.  He mixed it up… his cock in my mouth.. in my cunt… or hitting me with the cane. He had me offer up body parts to hit… and I did so. At some point he asked if I was ready for him to cum or did I want him to beat me more. I chose option number two.

That didn’t last too long though… painful or not. He ordered me to make him cum.. and so on my knees I went. I went to work… and soon my mouth was filled with his cum. When he pulled away… I went down, putting my face and hands by his feet. His hands rubbed my back and ass then pulled me up.

“You may go make dinner now.”, he said and so I stood and left the room heading to the kitchen without a word. When I rounded the corner I was over come with emotion. I needed to reconnect with him… and I wasn’t allowed that. Cuddling with him allows that after sex… and this didn’t happen. I was used and sent away. I didn’t like how that at all.

I didn’t want him to see my cry… I didn’t want to look at him in the face.. I just couldn’t. I stayed in the kitchen the whole time dinner was cooking. I sat in silence.  I mean, there’s something very hot about being used… but I feel like there needs to be time where you regroup with one another… and allow for the bad feelings to be put where they belong. Behind you. I have a hard enough time getting past punishments with that… and so not having that… I am struggling to feel put back together. I feel.. kind of pulled into myself… self preservation perhaps. I know this feeling will pass and we’ll come back together in that lovey way we are… but right now.. I feel sad.

I hate punishments.