Tag Archive: orgasm denial


the proof of an orgasm

We were still laying in bed after my birthday spankings.  We were facing each other… soaking up what just transpired.  All I was thinking of was how much I wanted to cum.  I knew I had the green light to do it… but in my head I was struggling with my preexisting programing on such things.  Usually I’m not allowed to cum without his specific permission.  It’s been almost a year since that was set in motion.  At first I struggled with it… but I’ve come to terms with it now.  It doesn’t feel right taking liberties with my body anymore.  It belongs to my Owner.

We stayed still for a while… before he was wanting to get up… all the while I kept trying to talk myself into just going for it.  It’s kind of crazy how you can change the way you think.  I know I never thought I’d make it to feeling this way… that I only have rights to touch myself when he says.  I’m glad I’ve found peace with it.  In that peace… I mustered all my gumption and went for it as Ben was trying to get us up off the bed.

He seemed amused at going for my present.  I dipped my fingers into my cunt as we chatted about it.  Part of me thought he’d stop me… but, of course, he didn’t.  He laid next to me as I rubbed my clit… and would rewet my fingers deep inside of my cunt.

He laid next to me…. touching me… all the while I worked myself over.  My eyes stayed shut… all sorts of images flying through my head… aiding my fingers in their combined goal.  It didn’t take long before I was moaning with pleasure… and curling into my Owner’s arms.  Such a strange feeling….  giving myself pleasure.. because I wanted it.. without permission.  I can’t say that I’m all together comfortable with it.  I came really close just asking for an orgasm before I went for it.  Asking just seemed more natural now… what is expected.

It all makes me remember more that I am owned… who knew that it would have that effect?  I thought it would make me feel more free…. in charge of myself just for the day… at least my body.  Instead the exact opposite happened… what a good feeling.  I certainly wouldn’t have it anyway.  My body.. my orgasm belong to Ben.

deep seated desires

There are dark places in us all… the ones that we bury desires that we are scared to share with the outside world.  These places ever see the light… only occasionally do we have the opportunity to have someone we can fully open up to.  Those chances are few and far between… but I can tell you that even when it arises, it is still scary.  Opening up and exposing yourself with the chance of rejection… to alienating that person is one of the hardest things to ever put yourself through.

Ben and I talk all the time… about our hopes.. dreams… desires.  We trust each other with everything but there are still those moments we are scared to tell each other something.  The idea that one of us could think what we want is sick or weird is what makes it hard to build up the courage to share.  Eventually it happens but sometimes it can take time.

Take for example… when I stumbled across D/s I was baffled.  I had no idea why anyone would want to do that.. to give up control of their life.  It took me almost a year to figure it out… but I can tell you this.. sometime in that year part of me wanted that.  I wanted to be owned.. and I denied it to myself.  I told myself that I couldn’t do that.. no way, no how.  It was a deep buried desire of mine.  It would take over three years to go through admitting to myself I wanted to take that path in our relationship and then actually admit it to Ben.  Obviously me telling him worked out… and reaffirmed that I should never be afraid to tell him things that I find deeply personal.

This week has been huge for us in terms of growth I think. There had been some things that we had both found interesting sex wise that we’d been afraid to bring up.  Neither of us thought the other would be into it and so it was just safer… easier never to mention it.  I know personally the last thing I wanted was him to think I was weird or what not.  The whole thing is silly because deep down I know better.  I know that he accepts me.. all of me and all that entails.  Still as we were laying in bed… and promises of each of us sharing something we wanted were made…. it still was frightening.  It took me several starts… feeling my heart pound in my throat.  I was simply terrified and wished I hadn’t promised… and even more so wish it hadn’t been my idea.  What was I thinking?!?

When it finally came out in a near whisper… there was nothing but acceptance.  How could I ever have doubted?  I will tell you how… because I’m human… and we get scared even when it doesn’t always make complete sense.  The funny thing is… he actually wants to try it.  Who’d have known.  We laid there feeling so connected.  It felt amazing…. so intimate and it made me feel so very submissive.  I find it so interesting that when we connect and talk… it has that effect.  I love how we naturally take that path without even trying. It was a wonderful moment for us.

And so today we texted as I was at work… we shared details… scenarios that we could try with it.  We were insanely turned on and I loved it.  We’ve made plans to try it for sure this weekend.  It should be really fun to say the least.  I’ve been told I won’t be cumming until Friday night when this all goes down.  It’s exciting and frustrating at the same time because I’m so worked up now.  Either way.. I’m waiting so Friday needs to hurry.

Anyways… I’m so glad that we opened up to each other more.  I feel like our connection has only been deepened because of it.  I feel reaffirmed in the feeling of trust and comfort with him.  He never fails to prove that to me over and over.  I look forward to more shared moments like we had… they are special to say the least.

Valentines Day… D/s style

Ah… love is in the air! As is the scent of flowers… and chocolate…

This year… I was gifted jewelry. Not just any jewelry.. but something with a lot of symbolism behind it. Some weeks back, Ben had talked about wanting to get me a locking anklet to wear. I am unable to wear my collar to work and he wanted me to have an outward sign of him ownership of me. He set me to the task to find something close to what he had in mind.

I ended up posting in the collar board on Fetlife to see if anyone could suggest where we could find said anklet. The owner of NotNillaDesigns responded saying she could make what he wanted and so Ben contacted her. They planned out exactly what he had in mind and she set to the task of making the anklet that would be wrapped around my leg at all times. I awaited its arrival impatiently. I was excited about having something new from him.

It arrived in the mail on Thursday and I took a picture to show him that it had arrived. I couldn’t wait for him to get home to lock it in place. When he finally did… we went into our room so that he could change out of his work clothes. I stayed patient… not wanting to bug him… and my patience was rewarded. He promptly locked it in place around my left ankle. There it has been since…. jingling as I walk. It makes him smile…. it makes me smile too.

We celebrated Valentines Day Saturday night in true romantic fashion.. and so today will be low key. And you know what, that is fine by me!

I hope everyone has a wonderful love day.. filled with happiness and obviously.. love. Whether it be your partner… your children… your friends.. I hope it is fulfilling in any capacity! And remember… that showing each other you love one another… is an everyday thing… not just a day in February. 🙂

To my darling Ben… I love you more than words can describe… but I know you know that. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me… Happy Valentine’s Day my love! ❤ eternally yours….. Sierra

The other day I got it in my head I was going to surprise Ben with a story. I almost never do this.. and was almost sure he’d enjoy it. I had formulated the story laying in bed the night before… all that was left is to put it down in black and white. Forgive the crudeness… I just wrote from my heart.. err… loins? By the time I was done writing… I was a ball of horniess that was almost impossible to quench.

It’s early… the alarm rings signaling that your night of sleep is over. You hit the snooze a few times…. you’re not ready to get up. I roll over and cuddle up behind you… my arm draped over your chest.  You feel my body pressed against you… my tits kissing your back.  You feel a familiar arousal building… but you really need to use the bathroom.  You sigh as the last snooze screams out.. you turn off the alarm and leave the warmth of the bed.  As you get up… I pull your pillow to me and sigh… still in the depths of sleep. You go off and do your bathroom stuff and return to our room shortly.  I’ve not moved… still facing your side of the bed.  The light glows from the other room… you can see my back exposed.  The arousal overtakes you again.  You’re torn.. you know how much I love my sleep… but on the other hand… you’re horny.. and you want me.  There’s the internal battle of being my sweet husband… and being my Owner.  It’s your right to get pleasured at your leisure you tell yourself… but I’ll be super tired later if you interrupt my sleep.  Finally after debating it.. you say fuck it…. it’s not always about my comfort… this is about you and what you want right now… its not like you wake me often.  Your cock stands at attention… the idea of taking what is yours.. to satisfy your needs is intoxicating. You lean over the side of the bed… then poke my lips with  your cock. I am a bit startled at first as you still keep rubbing your cock on my lips. You tell me to get up… brush my teeth quickly… that you don’t have a lot of time. I groggily stumble to the bathroom.. following your direction. I use mouthwash to go a bit quicker and return to you now on your knees waiting for me to suck your cock.  This will be short and quick…. this isn’t about me… or my pleasure.. it’s about you getting off… relieving the lust you have. I take your cock into my mouth… still sleepy… but determined to satisfy my Owner. I start sucking… slow at first.. your balls in my hand… but you don’t have time for that… and grab my hair in your hand… guiding my head up and down faster.  I get the picture and adapt your preferred pace.  I pull out all my tricks to make you cum.. I suck you only how I know to do… that special way that always makes you weak in the knees.. that brings the cum that I so desperately want to taste now.  You can feel the orgasm building… its nice to be able to only focus on yourself and not worry about my pleasure. It turns you on immensely actually.  Just that one thought… with my lips expertly working you over finally pushes you over the edge… and as you explode in my mouth.. you push my head down on your cock. I swallow every drop of you cum… before you pull out and pull the covers back up over me, telling me to go back to sleep. I am all sorts of turned on.. sleeping will be impossible. I lay there as you dress… almost squirming. You come to me to kiss me bye and I ask if I can cum. You tell me what a good girl I was.. but this was about you… so no, I wouldn’t be cumming. I should reveal in the fact my Owner used me for his pleasure and that he was very satisfied with me. You kiss me… and we say good bye. You walk out of the room.. smiling and feeling much better.”

When he finished reading it… he sent me a text telling me he loved it. We talked about our favorite parts and such… mine being the end where he left me to squirm in my own desire. Ben told me out of all my struggles with my submission, he is sure that this is one of my biggest.  It’s hard for me to be utterly turned on… and not be able to cum. Don’t get me wrong… I love pleasuring him… giving to him. It makes me happy that he is satisfied, but there is a part of me that feels that I should be able to have an orgasm.. even if I know I am not entitled to such things. Allowing me to cum is at his discretion… and is by no means something he has to do.  He allows me to cum often (I’m very lucky in that fact) because he knows how it messes with me when I go long periods of times without getting off.

He is right though.  Its a inner struggle for me… to be selfless when he wants… to be selfless all the time.  It’s difficult for my brain to give over my needs to him… to let him prioritize those.  I know he is capable of taking care of me and meeting my needs, if I didn’t feel that way… I would have never entered into an agreement to be his completely.  We would have carried on like we always had… but that is not what either of us want. We want to work on getting my brain to give more… to think less of myself… to let him essentially take care of his property.  It is a huge task for not only him.. but me too.

The thing is, I find it so sexy to be left hanging… but it tends to make me grumpy. I try not to be upset.. to take it out on him… but the truth is… I do sometimes. I’m dealing with it.. but I need his help. I don’t want to be put out by him not wanting to reciprocate… honestly, he just plain doesn’t have to.  He allows it because he knows it’s good for me.  In the same thought, though, it’s good for me to not always get my way. I’ve always been one that got my way in my relationships.  I was the girl in charge… and it was a disaster each time. So now we have to line up the girl that wants to submit to her Owner… that wants to give her all to him… and accept his decisions with grace… with the girl that can’t handle not having things her way.  History has shown her.. if its not her way.. it’s not going to get done and certainly not the right way.  It’s hard to reprogram those feelings that are so deeply en-ground.

Giving over your will completely is a process… and takes work on both sides. Half the battle is my wanting it… and recognizing my issues that need to be dealt with. Will I get over being upset about not getting to cum every time over night? Heavens no. Will it happen? Totally.  I hope that some day it will be able to handle being told no and not bat an eye at it.  I hope that it will be as easy as being told I can’t have soda, but even if that doesn’t happen… I hope that the inner struggle will not be as troublesome.

the deal

He told me early in the morning. We had barely sent anything back and forth via text past good morning and such. We were both at work.. preparing for our days. Then out of the blue.. the instructions came.

I’m to rub my clit for 30 seconds on all my breaks and lunch. I’m to text him each time after I’m done. After work I am to find a private place and continue my 30 second rubbings on the hour every hour until he got home.

Well then. That was unexpected.. but it made me smile. I love such tasks.. especially when they come out of the blue. My work day passed.. and I did as I was told… informing him when I was done each time. I love that I feel so bound to follow his direction. I know that some people might just say they did the task, but I could never actually go through with that. Fitting in all the required rubbings wasn’t easy.. time passed by and it would have been so much easier to say.. hey it’s done… but I have more honor than that. I could never lie to him and betray him in such a way.

By the time I had hit around 6 pm… I was a ball of horny. I texted him.. telling him I was really wet. I felt he needed to know that… that he knew the state I was in. He seemed quite pleased with himself…. responding to me with…

“I bet you are. I can imagine you are hoping to be fucked tonight”

I did. I wanted to be fucked badly. I wanted to feel the relief I needed. I also didn’t want to buy into the idea that I would be having sex tonight.  And so I didn’t. I dismissed the idea… and didn’t let myself build up the tension anymore than I had already.  The final rubbing was at 7 pm… when he was leaving work. I sent him a picture of my fingers on my clit… and my plug in place for my daily two hour wear.

When he arrived home… I followed him to the bedroom. I striped off my jammie bottoms… got down on my hands and knees and presented him my ass. I so wanted him to touch me… so wanted him to see just how wet I was for him. I hoped it was enough to tempt him.  He let out a sound of approval… it was promising.

I could hear him undressing behind me. When he was done he knelt down… his hand reached out for me. He touched my back… my thighs… and around my pussy. I let out a sigh… the kind that comes after you wait for something so long… that its a huge relief you got what you longed for. He did this for a few minutes before sliding into me. Ah sweet relief.

He told me I wouldn’t be cumming… and this would be the only sex I would be getting tonight. Ah his terms… they are what they are right? When he was done with that position… he moved me to the bed. He bent me over and filled me once more. His hands pulled my hair… and covered my mouth and nose. Then they slipped to my throat and he leaned into me.. whispering into my ear. He asked if I wanted to cum… of course I wanted to. He asked what I would do. I reached around in my mind for what I could offer him.

First I offered up my ass to be used. He snickered and said he could have that anyways…. to try again. I searched some more… offering up something yet again. Not good enough. I laid there thinking… him fucking me all the while. It was so distracting… my mind wasn’t working  like it normally does…. all I could think about was how bad I needed to get off.

Then it came to me… I’d suck his cock everyday for a week.. not asking for anything in return. Oh my desperation. What was I thinking?  This wasn’t good enough either. It didn’t even get a response. I was all out of ideas… I realized how uncreative I am in the heat of the moment. Silence fell on the room…. until he offered up his own idea…. his own deal. A deal with the devil.

The offer: wear my plug for 24 hours within the next five days… I can choose the day

My need beat out my rational mind. I would have probably agreed to almost anything… just to get what I wanted. I couldn’t think of the realization of what I was agreeing to… I just knew that there was a deal on the table and I could have what I want. All I had to do was agree and follow through… easy enough. Besides… if I turned him down… who knows what would be facing me? Would I be denied for an extended period of time? Who knows? That wasn’t an option for me.  And so I agreed… just like that.. without a question in my mind.

After we had both came in an Earth shattering manner…. after the post amazing sex glow… and in the shower… reality set in. 24 hours?! That’s a long time. The longest I had ever worn it was like seven hours. How would I ever sleep with it in? Why on Earth did I agree to that?  It’s easy to rationalize, if that’s what you’d call it, when your mind is focused on one thing but now that I had a moment to sit and think about it… I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

So here we are. I have five days to follow through. I reallllyyy don’t want to wear it for 24 hours.  I agreed to it though and I have got to figure when I’m going to make this happen. I kind of just want to do it tonight… get it over with. That way just in case I can’t sleep with it tonight, I still have four nights left in which to make it happen. If I’m smart… that’s what I’ll be doing.  We shall see. In any case, within five days I’ll have a follow up post.

If I was vanilla, this wouldn’t ever be a problem. I’d never have to bargain to cum… no way no how. I’d be sexual on my terms… my body.. my way. This isn’t my reality. It’s not my body or way anymore.. it’s his and I am reminded of that daily.  I like that reminder, though. It makes me feel loved and looked after. There’s something very nice about putting his needs before mine… and even his whims.  I feel like being his submissive is a big way of how I define who I am…. what I am. Some might say that’s crazy… or even sad… but I think its one of the best things ever.

Time to pay the piper.

 

usuage

His fingers were against my soft folds… rubbing… preparing my body for use.  It was certainly needed… I was tired and I needed some encouragement.  I wanted him, that was no doubt… but my body needed some warming up.  His fingers worked my pussy over… sliding into  me.

———————————-

He told me to flip over.  As I did…. he easily slipped into my cunt. I was fast on my decent into submission. The farther I fell.. the wetter I became.  He pumped slowly in and out.. soaking up his handy work. My back was arched… ass in the air… his hands on my hips. I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

———————————-

“Suck my cock”, he commanded. Without missing a beat, I turned around and wrapped my lips around his cock.  I slowly slid my lips to the back taking him fully into my mouth.

“Like the way your cunt tastes on my cock”, he asked.. sounding somewhat amused.  I answered with a muffled yes continuing my task at hand.  I got lost in him… the way his hardness felt against my tongue… the way he’d hit the back of my throat.

—————————————-

He was deep inside me again.. my face pressed against the mattress. Each of his hands were firmly planted on me… one on my left shoulder and the other on the back of my neck. I was deep. I was tingly with submissive energy… and totally soaked. He commented so..  he very much loves how my body reacts to him. That makes two of us.  Ben pumped away at me.. using my body for his pleasure… even if I was getting a lot of that myself.

“Should I cum in your cunt or down your throat”, he asked… I’m sure knowing the answer he would receive.

“Anywhere you want, Dominus”, I answered… I knew it was the answer he wanted. In my mind.. I wanted him to cum in my mouth.. but that’s just not my decision.

“Mmm.. I think I’ll cum in your mouth”, he purred… drunk with the power of his position. I was inwardly very happy about his choice.

“I love drinking your cum”, I responded.

——————————————-

His cock was deep in my mouth this time.. I was working him with all I had… waiting for the reward of a job well done.  I could feel how tight his balls were in my hand… and how his cock hardened even more. I knew he was close.  I kept up my pace… massaging him.. all the tricks I know that do the job.  Before I knew it he was emptying into my throat… and I swallowed like the good girl I am. The second stream was emptied into my mouth.. in which I also promptly ingested.

Once he completely filled me… he said he was going to lay back. I moved so he could do so.. then went back to his cock. I wanted to taste him more… to take him past his orgasm.. to make him purely blissful. I know how sensitive he his after he cums… so I went easy. He was still half hard… plenty to still work with.

Minutes passed… he’d had enough… and told me enough. I stopped.. but kept him in my mouth. I didn’t want to stop. I was drunk with him… craving more… not more sex per-say… but to pleasure him more.  We stayed like the for a few more minutes till I got bold.. and started to move up and down again. I pushed hard… letting the head of his cock pop into my throat. He let out a moan of approval… just like I like to hear.

———————————————

Curled up next to him.. I was a ball of horny. I was completely drenched… I needed to cum so bad. Ben announced it was time to get ready for bed. Just the other day I was telling him how I missed him denying me… so I was afraid asking would get me a no. Denial didn’t seem like fun… I knew I’d lay there for hours unable to sleep with as horny as I was.  I mustered up the courage… do or die… and asked.

“Hmmm… if you can cum in 60 seconds…”, he said.. I could practically see him amusement.. even if the room was dark.

“Will you count?”, the thought worried me… would it be distracting? Would he want me to count instead? There’s no way I could count and make myself cum.

“Yeah I will. Ready?”

“Yes”, I said… almost breathless… feeling the need to cum build… and the worry that I wouldn’t be able to make it happen. I didn’t want to miss out because I couldn’t.

My fingers went to my clit… I didn’t take my time.. I didn’t need to. I was so close I could barely handle it. In the back of my mind I was very aware of his counting… but tried hard to keep it pushed back. Seconds ticked away…  and then I felt it. A powerful orgasm washed over me. I pulled my knees up.. holding onto the feeling… breathing hard… and thanked him for allowing me that.

I curled into him… his arm pulled my body into him. I sighed with relief and happiness. I’m a lucky girl.

a simple request

I wasn’t feeling too well… but I was well enough to be horny. I actually had some alone time for once… and I figured I should take advantage of it. I texted Ben.

Me: May I cum?

Ben: Show me. I want the nipple clips on.

Me: I can do that

I really wanted to get off… and it seemed like a simple enough request so I headed to our room and retrieved the clamps. Once back on the couch.. I pulled off my shirt and attached them to my nipples and promptly sent him a picture.

Ben: Good girl. Plug your ass too. Leave it there till I get home.

I internally groaned. Till he got home?!  It was only two o’clock and he wouldn’t be home till seven o’clock. Ugh! Why couldn’t he just say yes and let me cum? That’s all I wanted!  I sighed and headed back to our room… I didn’t want to wear the plug that long, but that didn’t really matter. Even if I had said nevermind… I’m sure I would have still had to wear the plug and so I just did as he told.

I sent him three pictures and asked if I could finally cum… and I waited.  And waited. I sent a question mark to him after about five minutes had passed. My window of alone time was dwindling quickly. He responded.. and told me to send more pictures. And so I did… including my face as I came.

Even if I didn’t get to cum the way I wanted to… I still loved the end result. I do so love the control he has over me. It’s definitely my kink and he knows it. Things not being on my terms still feels different, but not in a bad way.  I wonder if it will ever feel like second nature or if there will always be an inner pout when things don’t go my way. I guess time will tell.

Punished-5

I’m writing this post… pre punishment. I wanted to write about my thoughts before they went away about how I got myself to being punished.

I am supposed to blog once a week at least. I haven’t had much to talk about as of late… and so days passed with no posts. It’s funny how quickly time passes without you realizing. And so when Ben texted me this afternoon (Saturday) at work… my heart raced. I thought he hadn’t noticed…

“Its been almost 10 days since you have last done a blog post. I thought I said to write one once a week. Am I mistaken?”

Damn it. Such a stupid thing to mess up on…. I had valid reasons why I hadn’t done it. My valid reasons don’t matter though. I didn’t do it… I didn’t talk to him about it…. I just decided all on my own that it was okay wait till I actually had something to write about. Back in the day.. this would have been okay. My old way of thinking… of being… isn’t my life anymore though. It’s time I figure that out.

I didn’t want to give him my excuses. I’m a big girl…. I made my decisions… I am big enough not to try to weasel my way out of being in trouble. I told him that I wouldn’t try to explain.. but he told me to. And so.. I did. He said he understood the reasons… but that didn’t change the fact I wasn’t compliant. I was still going to be punished. I hated the thought of going home to this… that it’d be on my mind all afternoon…. and that it would probably happen when he got home. It would ruin him coming home for me… and its hard to rebound from being punished. Its hard not to stay in that mind frame. I think that bedtime punishments are the best for this. I don’t have to come back from it and go on with the night like nothing happened. Being punished early in the night means I have to buck up and move passed it.

Even more sucky is that I was going to ask if I could cum… I still wanted to ask after it was brought up.. but thought better of it. I knew what the answer would be… it would be no. In light of me not doing as I am supposed to…. why on earth would I think I deserved to be able to get off?  I hate that. I think I am still coming to grips of my loss of control of my sexual gratification. But that is a whole other story. So yeah.. I didn’t ask. Maybe I should have… but like I said, I’m sure he’d have said no… and I hate being turned down.  This makes it feel like I have some say in it… even if I don’t really.

So here I sit… waiting till he gets home… I want it to hurry up. But then again… I don’t. I want it over with… but I hate actually going through it.

____________________________________________________________________________

Post punishment.

I’m kind of… I dunno.  Ben got home and we showered. When my alarm for my plug to be inserted went off I went to the bedroom to put it in. He came in when I was lubing it up. He had me stand up and kissed me softly then led me to the corner of the bed. I held onto the plug and bent over. The wire hanger came down twice on my ass.

His hands rubbed over the welts gently then he slid his cock into my pussy.  He fucked me… and in my head I went through a thousand emotions. It was hard to get into it completely… I had surrendered to the fact he was going to take what he wanted from me. I knew I was going to get little in return of satisfaction.

He broke out the cane.. and it hurt.. a lot. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the cane. I wasn’t handling it well and he was not too thrilled with that.  He told me so. I refocused and tried hard to grin and bare it.  He mixed it up… his cock in my mouth.. in my cunt… or hitting me with the cane. He had me offer up body parts to hit… and I did so. At some point he asked if I was ready for him to cum or did I want him to beat me more. I chose option number two.

That didn’t last too long though… painful or not. He ordered me to make him cum.. and so on my knees I went. I went to work… and soon my mouth was filled with his cum. When he pulled away… I went down, putting my face and hands by his feet. His hands rubbed my back and ass then pulled me up.

“You may go make dinner now.”, he said and so I stood and left the room heading to the kitchen without a word. When I rounded the corner I was over come with emotion. I needed to reconnect with him… and I wasn’t allowed that. Cuddling with him allows that after sex… and this didn’t happen. I was used and sent away. I didn’t like how that at all.

I didn’t want him to see my cry… I didn’t want to look at him in the face.. I just couldn’t. I stayed in the kitchen the whole time dinner was cooking. I sat in silence.  I mean, there’s something very hot about being used… but I feel like there needs to be time where you regroup with one another… and allow for the bad feelings to be put where they belong. Behind you. I have a hard enough time getting past punishments with that… and so not having that… I am struggling to feel put back together. I feel.. kind of pulled into myself… self preservation perhaps. I know this feeling will pass and we’ll come back together in that lovey way we are… but right now.. I feel sad.

I hate punishments.




rule revisions

I am helping one of my friends to plan their wedding. I have been spending time looking for ideas and such to help the process… such is the wonderfulness that is the internet. The other day I was in the process of that. I was printing out stuff and trying to organize it for them when I heard Ben pull into the driveway. I can always hear him with the windows open… mainly because his music is really loud. I got up from the computer.. and waited for him at the backdoor.

He came in.. we hugged and kissed. He proceeded to put his stuff down and I wanted to finish up what I was doing. He said he needed a shower… in which I responded with… “just give me a minute… I’m almost done”.  He stood next to me… and I finished up.

We headed to the shower… I was chatting all the way about what I was up to and such. Once we were in the bathroom… and the door was shut… he let me have it. “For future reference… I come before your friends, is that clear?”. Now those words typed out like that don’t sound too harsh… it really was the tone. And not to mention that he had cut me off mid sentence. I was immediately quiet. I knew I was wrong… but the way he said it really hurt my feelings.

Through out the shower… I found myself not saying anything and not being able to look at him.  I felt like he could have told me in a better way… it was never about the content. I should have had my attention to him… and not something else. After all, he had just got home from work.  At the end of the day, I’m always just going to be human… no matter how hard I strive to be the perfect owned sub.

We did end up talking about it briefly later and I got to express my feelings and such. The night proceeded without incident.

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Fast forward to the next morning… I received an email from Ben. It was a revision of my rules. I read through them… going over ones I already had.. till a came upon new ones.

  • Your body is mine and as such, you are not allowed to touch yourself or masturbate without my permission.
  • When I come home, I am what is most important. Whatever you are currently doing can wait until I say you may return to whatever it was.
  • You are required to dish up my plate during meals at home. I will still assist during cooking when needed.
  • You shall kneel on the floor as I change clothes after work.

My heart sank. The one that stood out to me was not being able to touch myself.  I felt so deflated... I mean the idea of not being able to occasionally is appealing.. but all the time? My mind raced... my sex drive is so much higher than his... was he going to allow me to take care of that? I was not liking this idea much.

I told him I got the email… hoping this would open his questioning of my thoughts on it. That never happened. In retrospect, I should have just mentioned it. My mind kept rolling it over… and part of me thought it was really hot… but the other part was still panicking a bit. I tried to focus more on the day’s events that laid ahead of me.. but it was in the back of my mind… taunting me.

I really needed to come to grips with this… this change that I had totally not seen coming.  This was the first really difficult to accept rule I had received. The rest was not a struggle at all. I really felt like I had to process this all… I wanted to be accepting of this without needing to tell him it was so hard for me. I wanted to be able to tell him, if he ever asked, that I had fully embraced this. It’s not that I would have went against the rule… I don’t have to like something to follow the rule.

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After a day or so… especially after being sexually repressed, I finally came around in my mind. I have to romanticize it…. because logically… my brain thinks it should have rights to cum anytime I want. That is just not my reality anymore. I am owned… happily so. I’m quite fulfilled being his… even if it means that I have to request permission to get off.

I’ve come to realize that he is not going to deny me unless there is a damn good reason. He knows how I get and what I need… he is not going to take that away from me for the sole purpose of just being mean. Any denial will have a purpose… I am sure of that. And so I am laying aside my fear of not having it… and putting my trust in my owner.  He has not steered me wrong yet… and I don’t expect that he will. He has my complete faith.

I find myself feeling more and more like a slave… and less like  a sub. I know that it’s just a title.. and it is subjective to interpretation. Each person has their own idea of what a slave is. I just feel like as each day passes.. the more owned I am… the more control he has over me. I love it.  It still amazes me how well we’ve moved into this… how settled and content we are in our roles. I wonder why we didn’t come to this sooner.. though… in that thought… that is pointless. We didn’t… and that’s okay. It gave us time to build a solid relationship in which to begin our journey.

So that’s that… it took a little bit to accept but I feel pretty good about it now.  I like when he exerts his authority over me. And that… is a good thing.

This week was one of learning.. and accepting. It was a week of being put in my place… and understanding my place in this relationship. Ben wanted to impress upon me what I am to him… and the control he has over me as a whole.

Thursday morning came… I had thought that perhaps he was going to torture me… to make he totally long for the sex and orgasm I was missing. I felt like I was handling it quite well after the initial reaction I had. I didn’t feel uncontrollably horny.. and I was kind of thankful for that.

I was working that day… and so was he. We always text each other first thing in the morning to chat a bit and start off the day on the right foot. We had chatted a bit… when I checked my email. He had updated my rules and sent them to me (post to follow on this). I mentioned that I got them. Then came something out of the blue… something unexpected… but something that hit me in this delicious sexual way.

“Every time you get a break or go to lunch I want you to rub your clit till you almost cum. NO cumming. And while you are doing that think about the caning that you will be receiving tonight. I want you to be very horny and wet tonight. Text me everytime you do also. When you get home I want you showered, shaved, and your ass ready for me to can, abuse, fuck, whatever I please. You will be kneeling in the living room, with you ass facing the kitchen. You will have the cane waiting for me and some rough porn playing.”

I had already had my first break… and was actually going to be leaving work early..so instead I took too bathroom breaks to take the place of my lunch and break. By the time the second trip was over… I was very wet. I was very much looking forward to the night at hand. There is something very exciting about being some place public where you can be caught that causes the excitement to intensify.

Since I had went home early… Ben changed up his initial plan a little. I was to rub my clit every hour on the hour when I got home.. again no cumming. I had four rubbing sessions before he’d be home… by the second.. I was a puddle. I was so much so.. that I was for sure I was going to get the couch wet. Each time it was just that much harder not to cum… and to the point that I’d have to breathe deeply once getting to that point not to drop over the edge. The last thing I wanted to was to disappoint him… resulting in punishment and possible extension on not being able to cum. No way was I going to mess up!

Throughout this process I was getting ready for his arrival home… showering… finding porn… and having his drink and cane ready. All was done when I heard him pull into the driveway. I got on the floor.. pushed play… and waited with only my collar on.

I could hear him rustling about behind me.. even over the porn. He shut the windows… put his keys down… and finally walked to me. He wrapped his arms around me…  touched me… his hands feeling where he wanted.  Then they left me… and I could hear his clothes being taken off… and then felt the coolness of his skin against mine. I sighed… and closed my eyes.

Next is a little bit of a blur… I was pushed forward… face down.. ass up… there was caning. I felt in control of my reactions… that I could breathe through the pain.. and was doing a pretty good job. I felt proud of myself… and hoped he was too. Then he decided it was time for his shower…. and left me saying something that I couldn’t make out. I decided it was best I stay put.

When he came out.. I hadn’t moved… he noticed.. and was pleased. He cooed good girl.. and I felt happy all over.  More blurry memory… there was teasing though… more caning…. sucking.. all the yummy things. I wanted to cum so badly. He knew it too… but still didn’t allow it.  At some point he finally fucked me… finally filled me with his cock… I felt so needy.

We moved to the couch… then to the bed. His fingers stretched my ass… and then his cock. A vibe was added to the mix. No cumming still… more torturing.. my fingers on my clit. I had to stop a few times… I was so close… I needed it so bad… I whined when I was told no. Both my holes filled… cock in my ass… vibe in my cunt… and finally at some point… the no turned to a yes. When I was finally allowed…. I couldn’t cum. I had held back all day… it was hard to turn that off.  I managed though.. to push past that barrier… and when it hit… it was good… and intensified to amazing… and then past there. It rocked me to my core… and I felt drained immediately.

He wasn’t done though. He kept fucking my ass… and told me to keep cumming. I did, over and over… till it was too much.. till I was so tired… I needed him to cum too. I needed some relief… some rest… I was worn out to the very center of my being. I begged him to cum… and was told he would when he felt like it.

Ages felt like they passed… I came some more… and finally… he was ready to join me…. filling my ass with his cum. The intense afternoon was debauchery was over.. and he laid beside me. I was sore all over… too much time spent in weird positions I suppose. It was well worth the wait though.

I very much enjoyed being made to wait… it was a good reminder that my body is not mine anymore, but his. It certainly is a different way of thinking. More on that subject next time.