Category: memories


>Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn’t go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

  1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that… we don’t really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay…. but as far as being intimate with another… I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple… this is sharing… and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
  2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others… no pictures.. not in the same room… not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand… I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that’s just me. We are a couple… and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
  3. Past experience…. I’ve been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories… still taint my mouth. In fact… I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else’s.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn’t keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he’s not in it all the way… then I’d rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is…. really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

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>At what point did I stop being a kid…. and make the transition into adulthood?

Big changes are going on in my family… namely, my niece graduates on Saturday. It makes me wonder if she is scared… having to survive on your own can tend to be very scary. Or at least, one would think.

He move to adulthood got me to thinking…. when exactly did I make that leap? I honestly cannot remember it. I mean, I can remember being a kid… and then it’s like all of a sudden, I’m grown up. Is that how it happens?

You’re going along… wishing to grow up… and like a flash of lightening.. you’re wishes are reality. The last true memories I have… that was me feeling like a kid was the summer I was sixteen. My first real job… one that I wasn’t helping my mother… the sense of freedom you can only feel as a teenager in the summer.

I would be gone from home for days. My best friend and I would spend out hours in her car… windows down… just driving. The only care in the world we had was where to go to next… and if we had enough time to go down to the beach on the hot summer afternoons.

I think that is the last time I truly felt like the weight of the world was not on my shoulders. My life changed that summer… looking back I can see it now. At the time, however, I did not feel it. I guess being a grown up is just something you do.. even if you don’t feel it right away.

Even so.. I miss the carefree days sometimes. I miss not having to think about bills or get up for work. Just to be able to live a day… where the biggest worry you have… is if the ice cream truck is going to come by the house or not.

I wonder if she knows what’s ahead of her?

>We showed our family pictures from our trip yesterday while we were over for Easter. While showing off these pictures I noticed something.. something you don’t notice when you actually take them. I saw all the other people that were not my family in them…. the ones that just happen to be in the shot, simply because there were near when I decided to snap a memory.

After realizing this.. I went through delibritely looking at those other people… at the expressions that I captured. It made me wonder what moment I had in front of me… what part of their day they were in… and how their trip was going. Were they happy times?

Then of course, it made me wonder… how many photographs one of us appear in… just by chance. Will they notice as I did.. and remark at our family? Or will we just be a back drop in their happy memory? AND how many times in my life… on any of the number of vacations I have been on… how many pictures that are not mine have I been in?

And so I will never know who these people are that co-star in the moments of our trip… will never know who they are.. where they are from… none of that. They will merely be a face I took… that will forever be a part of the physical things I have to show from our brief time at Disneyland.

>Today is our anniversary. 🙂 We won’t be having too much time together today as Ben has to work late… and I have to work tomorrow.. but we will be making the most of what little we do get. It’s one of those things that seems like… wow.. we’ve been together that long… but in the same instance it really does seem longer.. in a good way of course. It seems like we’ve been with one another for years upon years.. that we are so much apart of each other.. that being apart is not something that even makes sense anymore.

I just have to say… I love that man… so much.. words do not describe how I feel. When I kiss him… my breath is still stolen…. and my heart flutters. I still miss him insanely when we are not together. We still text each other each morning and call on lunches. I don’t think that I could have found a more well suited partner if I had been looking.

I wanted to share with you all… the words I spoke to my husband on the day we were joined in marriage. We wrote our own vows.. and I spent weeks writing and revising.. just to get them perfect. In the end… I was proud of the words that fell from my lips… and filled with such joy and love… seeing his reaction. Even now it makes me misty to think back on that day… that wonderful day.

My darling Ben- to say that my heart is yours from this day forward would be wrong, because it’s always been yours since the day I met you. How do I sum up how I feel in a few words? It would never do our love justice. I don’t promise to one or two things… I promise my everything. I promise to be your most loyal friend despite what may come our way. I will be honest and faithful to you. I vow to respect you for your uniqueness and be by your side, encouraging you to strive to always be your best and comfort you when you stumble. I will be there to wipe away the your tears and spend endless hours laughing with you. I will give you my best to build a life with you, to grow old with you along life’s journey. But most importantly, I promise to love and cherish you every day of my life because without you I would never be complete.

~~~~~~~

Ben…..

I love you more than I did yesterday…. you are so special to me. We’ve come so far… and have so much further to go… thank your for being you. Happy Anniversary my darling.

>Throughout my young life… I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design… but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past…. people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there’s that saying… it’s easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem… I’m having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don’t think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school… first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated… and I’m not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn’t find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me…. this was just in a long line of wrongings… and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see… this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It’s funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been “friends” for so long… been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I’ve never been able to forgive her…. she still emails me from time to time. I’m not sure what she expects… if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can’t do that… every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do… and so I won’t.

However, there is a part of me that says… its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I’ve toyed with the idea of emailing her… and forgiving her… to let it go… for me. The thing is.. I don’t want to forgive her.. I don’t want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that… out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable… it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic… but I assure you… its not.

One of them is an ex… my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time… we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship… he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave… my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out… events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell… in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won’t retell it. But.. I will tell… the third person plays into this story as well…

The good news is… out of all of this… I have learned many things… and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One’s that I trust and love… which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive… I just don’t have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I’m sure…. one I have to live with. I just wish I could.

>From the time I was a little girl.. I’ve had troubles remembering experiences I have in my life unless I really focus on remembering them or they were traumatic and caused me to remember. Most of my childhood I don’t really remember. It’s like a dark corridor with a few flashing lights here and there.

The first memory I have… came in the form of a dream… but was confirmed by my Mother that it was indeed a memory. My Grandmother died when I was two… she adored me and I her apparently. We went everywhere together.

In the dream, we had her wake at the house.. which was common back in the 80’s down south. She was laid out in the living room and my Mother had put steps up against the coffin so that I could look in on her. Creepy… I know… but that’s how it went down.

Anyways, in the dream I was in a light pink or maybe white dress. I crawled up the steps because I was afraid of falling off. As I reached the top, I looked in… and it was like a dark black spot. There was nothing there. My only thought is that it was so painful for me that I blanked it out.

In between that I remember my 5th birthday…. my 6th birthday and the bike I got. I remember my Mom and her friend watching Pet Cemetery and us kids having to stay outside because it was too scary. And then I remember one of the most traumatic things from my childhood. Mind you, most of my growing up wasn’t that fun… there were good times, don’t worry, but we grew up poor… and even poorer because my parents and I really didnt have a strong relationship.

So I was eight… I was supposed to wash the dishes and I didn’t. My mom got pissed to say the least and started screaming at me. She took the dishes out of the sink and threw them on the floor, breaking all over. I was terrified… it happened all so fast. Then she started pulling the clean dishes out of the cabinet and throwing them to the ground.

The only thing I could do was cry.. and then shriek out that she didn’t love me. Her reply certainly didn’t prove to me that she loved me… she pulled back and slapped my square across my face. I was shocked… she yelled at me saying that she did love me and to never say that again. I, of course, never said that again… but I didn’t feel at ease that she did indeed love me… her only daughter.

Nothing really improved from there… our relationship never strengthened…. and to this day she and I do no really speak. It’s been almost a year since I last spoke to her, and honestly, I’m not all torn up about it. That woman has no place in my life… she secured that for herself. At some point you have to say enough is enough and move on with your own life… which I have done.

I’m not saying it doesn’t make me sad to think that she and I aren’t close.. because it makes me very sad. I am somewhat jealous of people that have good relationships with their parents. I hope that they know just how lucky they are to have that.

I do, however, have a strong parental influence in my life. My ex’s parents have been wonderful to me. They look at me as their daughter… and I love that. I love that I have people I can call my parents.. that I have love and respect for them.. and vice versa. So in that aspect I am lucky.. to have the chance to have that sort of relationship.. even if its not with people whom gave me life.

I say, take what you can get… you never know what life will throw at you. You are not defined by where you came from, but who are you. I happen to think I’m a wonderful person with lots to offer to the world… and at the end of the day.. I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. That’s all I can ask for.

>firsts

>The mind is a tricky thing…. funny because of what it allows you to remember. I seem to have things where I dont really remember first times very well. Its kind of odd… and I wish I could remember them… though, in some cases… this is a good thing.

Take the night I lost my virginity for instance. I was 15 and it was Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend at the time was much older than me and looking back now… it was so obviously a mistake, but you can’t tell a lovestruck teenager anything. They do as they please because they think they are in love.

Needless to say…. I was ready for my virginity to be taken. I remember walking down my dirt driveway hand in hand… staring up at the stars with a nervousness that I cannot describe. I knew something was going to happen…. and that scared and thrilled me in the same moment.

I remember stopping our stroll and him kissing me deeply. We made out for a bit then ended up going behind the house for a bit more privacy. We sat under a pine tree… his hands roaming. I know at some point they managed their way into my my pants to my willing pussy.

From there I know we went into the house, my mother was out for the night. We ended up on my bed. It was dark. I remember it hurt… and I remember laying there afterward… but not really what I felt or thought. And that is it… thats all I remember.

I chalk my loss of memory up to my loathing of this particular ex and all the horrible things he would later do to me. I spent many nights wishing I could erase him from my past, yet I am who I am now because of this moment in my life- just as any moments in my life. So, I live and learn from the path I choose…. mistakes and all.

On that same level, I don’t really remember my bondage experience. I remember Joe asking me if I was sure I wanted to do that and to make sure that I was only hooking up with him for just sex. I did just that… and always did. It would be him that would later betray that…. and develop feelings for me. They weren’t the typle of feelings that make you get together, but the ones that make you wonder what it would be like if you did.

Nothing about that night are in my mind… and I have no idea why that is. I wish I could remember. All of our escapades were always so fun and exciting.. and I don’t doubt one minute that it was as well. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I had forgotten this until I really started thinking about all the firsts I’ve ever had.

The most important first, was that of the one with my husband that I made sure to embed into my mind, so that I never loose that moment. It was so powerful and wonderful…. I would be devastated if I was to loose it.

Other firsts I don’t remember… first day of school…. the first whole day I moved to the town I live in now….. my first day at my current job… oh what a bad memory I have. I guess it doesn’t matter unless I forget the important things.