Category: life


>The other morning I was on my way to work… at a stop light I opened up Facebook. As the updates came… there was my 18 year old niece…. saying she was engaged. I don’t know who else feels like this… but when you watch a kid grow into an adult… its hard to make that transition into thinking they truly are grown up. It was odd to see that she was in fact getting MARRIED.

I can’t help but worry that she is too young… that she’s see far too little of this world… and that she can’t possibly know who she is yet. I know I didn’t… even if I thought I did. I’m not saying that getting married at 18 doesn’t work. What I am saying is… that it takes a lot of work. Marriage is work even when you’re 40 let alone 18. I wonder if they truly know the gravity of what they are going into.

I know at 18 I thought I knew what the whole world was about… that I knew it all. The reality is that I am a different person now than I was then. This may not be the case for her… and for her sake… I truly hope this is true. I just really want her to be happy and have a wonderful and full life. I also hope that this works… and that twenty years from now… they are going to be going strong.

The truth is…. I do very much like her fiancee. He’s a great guy… and adores my niece. I have no problem with him at all. I just worry that’s all. I’ve always been a worrier… and I doubt that will stop anytime soon.

At any rate.. there has not been a date set. My niece is going into the Navy… and leaves for boot camp in May. She said they are going to wait till after that and some schooling she has to go through.. so at least the summer of 2011. I think that will give them time to let their very young (6ish months) relationship weather the test of time and distance. If they can make it through that… I’m fairly certain they can make it work.

Love is a strong thing…but it takes more than that to make a marriage work. I know all of you who are married totally understands that. And like I said… I just want her to be happy…. and him for that matter…. they are good people.

(And before I get attacked…. I hope that I didn’t come off as saying that getting married at 18 is wrong… I just think it brings some added weight. You have to grow up together essentially. I know it’s not impossible… many people have done it.)

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>I wonder, the life I would have lived…. had I made different choices along the way.

Would I be where I am today? Had I not had children… and did the four year college thing.. would I live in the Northwest? Probably not… because at each decision… at each fork in the road… there is a different outcome.

Perhaps I could have graduated with a degree in marketing as I had dreamed…. and live in some large city… doing the grind… behind a desk some where. Dress to kill everyday… with a go getter attitude putting my social life on a back burner to further myself up the corporate ladder. But really? Is that truly me.. I think not.

Perhaps I could have married someone else… never having kids… living in a the high life with my powerful husband… in a condo we had long since payed for. Encircled by our flashy friends that would make me question if they were true friends.

Or.. perhaps I’d be in a devastatingly unhappy marriage… the typical house mom… staying at home.. making dinners and cleaning house. Carpooling the children that I would have had to soccer and baseball. Always the ever faithful, happy wife on the outside but deep down loathing my busy, but some how boring life.

See… no matter how many infinite different versions of me there could have been… I can’t help but be thankful for the me that I am. I have made some not so wise decisions in my day, but in that same breath, I have made some pretty damn good ones. Had I not made each and every one of those, I would not be here.. I know that… I would not be married to Ben.. I would not have the children I have… who really knows where and who I would be.

Quite frankly, I’m happy not know what other version I could be.

>My father was a drunk.

As far back as I can remember… he drank… sometimes to excess… but certainly every single day of the end of his life.

Apparently… he was not always like this… my half brothers tell a story of a very different man. A man whom was the stand up type… someone you would look up to. A good family man… a preacher… and somewhere… somehow.. that all changed. No one has ever told me why… and perhaps… no one ever really knew why… except him. My Dad was tight lipped about all things in his past. Now that he is gone… all that is left is the questions… that will never have answers.

When I was born, my Dad was in his 50’s already… his life more than half over. I’m not sure why he felt the need to have another child… perhaps I was an opps… I would not doubt that for a moment. I don’t know if my parents married before or after the revelation of my impending birth… but either way… they married.

I remember being four. My Mom had went to the store to pick something up.. leaving me with him. He had been drinking… a poor choice in my opinion to leave a little girl with a drunken person.. parent or not. At the time my only friend was my very older cousin’s dog. He and I went everywhere together.

Dad went into the house to go to the bathroom… leaving me outside. I, of course, wandered off into the woods following my “friend” into the depths of the swamp. I remember being knee deep in water… scared and crying because the dog had taken off faster than I could keep up… and so.. I was lost.

At some point I was found… and of course… punished. This my friends… is my earliest memories.. having my ass beat by my drunken father… because he was too gone to make sure I followed him into the house. Nice. Granted, I shouldn’t have wandered off… but I was FOUR. I still hold a bit of resentment for that…. probably always will.

There are stories just like that littered throughout my childhood. When I became old enough to fight back… I did. My mother surely never stood up for me.. even when I was right. She just “wanted to stay out of it”. It was not a very fun environment to grow up in to say the least.

I remember when he moved out of the house and into a camper trailer on our land…. how he would never work… and how he would spend hours laying in bed doing crosswords and smoking with lines of empty beer cans against the bed. In all of my memories… few are good ones of him.

This man drank till the day he died.. literally. He had drank for so many years of his life.. that he could not go a day without at least one drink… it was sad really… I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him and resentful all in the same thought. I never really got why I deserved the father that was cut off from the world.. and why my brothers… had a Dad that was always there for them.

And now.. I’m an adult… shouldering the ghosts of my past… realizing the damage his drinking did in my life. How when Ben drinks… it upsets me… not because he’s an ass… or hurts me.. quite the opposite.. he is a funny drinker. But subconsciously… I feel this… I don’t know how to describe it… perhaps its bitterness… or maybe even fear. I know deep down that Ben is not going to be like my Dad…. he would never put me through having a drunk as a husband. However… I just hate when he drinks.. for no good reason. It is so far and few between…. and yet… it just eats me up inside. I’m fairly certain that is why I can only stomach one or two drinks now…. or why I was never really a partier.

It’s amazing the scars we leave on our children…. it makes me fearful of the ones I will leave on mine. No matter how wonderful a parent.. there is bound to be something… some impression that you leave on them… that is not a good one. One thing is for sure… I will never have them live through the horrors of a drunken parent… no way.

>gifted

>When I go to bed at night and am laying there before I fall asleep… I tend to think. I think about things I want to do the next day… or about our next vacation… something that is bothering me.. what have you. Last night I was laying there… and at first my mind was on the fact that I wanted sex and yet my body was not wanting to go along with this. I’m very much not happy about it.. but between us… I think it is time to change that tonight *grins*

Anyways.. back to what I was trying to start talking about.

So I’m laying there and I decided it was not good to frustrate myself further. My mind wandered to various things till it finally came to rest on something that isn’t always in the fore front of my mind. All my life I have wanted to be exceptionally good at something… anything. (Not sexual). No matter how hard I’ve worked at something…. I have never achieved that status.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a good singer…. well not just good but a great singer that can wow people with just a sound out of my mouth. When I was a little girl, my mother told me that I would go out and sing to the cows. We lived next to my Dad’s cousin’s farm… and so I would go out there and sit and sing. I don’t remember this… but I know it must be true.

Hell, the most prominent picture from my childhood that comes to my mind is one that I am pretend singing in. I believe I was around four. I was standing on my bed… all my stuffed animals around the perimeter as my audience. I had my “microphone”…. or jump rope as it sometimes was…. cute little thing.. in shorts and a tank top… curly brown hair… singing my heart out.

So it has always been a love of mine… and honestly, I’m a decent singer… but by no means will I be going to stand in the audition line for American Idol. Even if I were as good as I wanted… I wouldn’t even have the nerve to do that. But that’s a different story.

Which brings me to another thing I wish I was good at. Photography. Now see… I think this is something you are born with… the eye of an artist.. that can see the world as he or she portrays in the picture. I just don’t have that in me… and I so wish I did. I drool over amazing pictures and wish that I have a tenth of their talent. It doesn’t matter how many classes I could take.. I will never have that eye for it.

And now I sit and think back at all the things I tried as I grew up… softball… band….writing… and I just never hit that amazing mark. I realize that we are our own worst critic… but I feel its more realistic than anything. I mean, I pride myself in my job… I think I’m good at it. People tell me that I am. BUT…. could I but out a perfectly intricate fondant wedding cake? Not a chance. I could come close… but I will never be the artist that I want to be.

I’m not saying I won’t continue trying… because I will… because its something that I want. I guess what it comes down to… is that I just don’t want to be average… I want to be something more… and I’m just not sure that I know how to do that.

>So… just when I thought things were getting back on track… well… no I was wrong. Seems that the IUD insertion caused an infection. The doctor said I should be feeling better within 24 hours of it being put in… and here it was… Monday. and now today… I was still feeling all crampy. Today was the worst though.

So I called the doctor up… and he put me on antibiotics. Seriously… I just want this to be over! I just ugh… I’m wondering if its going to end up coming out again… and if so… just what will I do for BC then?

It just seems to be one thing after another… and I say this because I received some very upsetting news this morning after I talked with the doctor. My sister called me and told me that she found out that she has cervical cancer. This really does make my troubles seem so very small.

My sister can be obnoxious… opinionated… overbearing… but I love her. She’s a cool person and I hate to see this happen to her. I don’t know what I’d do if we lost her… I really don’t want to think that… we don’t know the the extent of it just yet. It’s just hard not to think about that… and I know its in the back of her mind as well.

All I can do is hope that they can get it and she will be ok. She has two children, they are not very young… but they still not adults either. Children should never have to lose a parent at such a young age.

So yeah, I’m going to hope for the best. We need the best.

>quick update

>Well guys and girls… we have an IUD again… thank goodness! It was a lot more painful being put in than the last two times… but hopefully that is a good sign. It sucked that it hurt and so I was grumpy most of yesterday. I feel much better mood and pain wise today. I think I owe a lot of that to knowing that things are going back on track and that little bit of stress will be gone as soon as I readjust to the hormones.

So there ya have it.. another chapter in my story done.. on to another. I know how happy Ben must be about it…. me and my craziness. That man has to love me to put up with some of the mood swings I’ve had as of late. It’s really weird how I could see myself being crazy but just couldn’t stop. It, of course, was short lived… but just really irritating to us both.

It will just be nice to be able to focus on something else other than the limbo we were in. So its a happy day for sure.

>a glimpse

>The alarm goes off… snooze is it… several times. I was never a snoozer until I met Ben. I always know how many of them I can have before I truly HAVE to get up. I roll out of bed reluctantly… not wanting to leave the warm bed that I share with my husband. Lucky man, he gets to still sleep… for me it is time to start my day… and leave for work.

~~~~~~

Work is crazy… the manager had a death in the family.. and so therefore, I end up having to help bake. Diane is back at the bench baking with me… so the day is going by rather quickly. She makes a phone call to her friend who just had a baby only twelve hours earlier.

“Is he cute?”, she asks…. I laugh at her… and ask her what new mother doesn’t think their baby is cute? I mean.. really.

~~~~~~

Lunch has come and gone… the end of the day is approaching way too quickly work wise.. but good that I get to be going home soon. We’re making cream cakes.. which in all reality all they are is oversized pudding rings. We’re trying to make the process go quicker and so we’re scooping the batter together.

I keep dropping some on her arm… not meaning to of course… I told her… if I really meant to… I would drop my whole handful on her.

~~~~~~~

In the car on the way home… I’m pretty tired… I worked really hard.. and honestly all I want to do is go home. I’m driving Ben’s car which has a quarter tank of gas… I know the nice thing to do is to get gas for him so he doesn’t have to early in the morning when its colder out.

I’m torn.. and the closer I get to gas station does not bring any decision. The internal conflict goes on until I turn into the station… I guess I’m filling up his tank.

~~~~~~~

At home its the usual family stuff. The kids being kids… trying to get dinner started.

“What are we having for dinner Momma?”, the youngest asks.

“Food”, I respond… just as I always do when she asks. She cocks her head to the side and give me a yeah right look.

“Just tell me”, she says.

“I told you, food.” She eyeballs the mean I’m preparing, “Tacoes?”.

“Nope.”

“Spaghetti!!!”, she exclaims.. its going to be an easy dinner night for once.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids are finally in bed… and its time to truly relax. Ben and I are on the couch watching a show. His legs are on my lap… all kicked back and relaxed. I feel his toe brush over my nipple… I let out a sigh and close my eyes. Feels so good.

I look over at him as he stops and looks all innocent. I smile and turn back to the tv. Again I feel his toe teasing my now very hard nipple. I don’t look over this time… only enjoy the sensation of his tease.

~~~~~~~~~

After our shower.. getting ready to go to sleep.. I lay across the bed… my face against the mattress. I smell him… that scent that drives me mad and turns me into a cat in heat. I just lay there and sniff (yes I’m strange like that).

“It smells like you baby”, I say.

“Well who else would it smell like?”, Ben asks.

“I dunno.”

“You’re getting my side of the bed wet”, talking about the wet head that I am sporting. He grabs his pilling and puts it down on top of my head, fluffing it. And let me tell you.. this pillow is like SUPER heavy.. you could kill someone with this thing.

~~~~~~~~~

Facing each other… we touch… his hand rubbing up and down my spine. The wave of arousal washes over me and I am his… without a doubt. We kiss… not hot and heavy… but slow and intense. Our hands explore one another’s body…. I’m engulfed in his every move.

His hand moves up and grasps the side of my neck… firmly. I feel the wetness grown between my legs… the twinge of need. He lets go… and adjusts his hold…. getting a good handful of of my scruff. I am in awe and in lust of him… of the power that he has over me.

Again, he readjusts… this time both his hands find their way around my neck.. cutting off my air. The rush of the lack of air comes over me and I signal him to let go…. I feel faint for a breif second… and in my head…. I hear myself ask more… more please… do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~

We’re on our backs… my arm draped over his stomach. The other free hand is intertwined with his… laying there in our afterglow… the bliss that great sex brings.

“What are you thinking?”, curiously I ask.

“About how good you feel in my arms”

“MMmm yes, me too.”

My eyes still closed.. I sigh…, “You know baby… this is the best part of my day. Laying in bed with you.. the house is quiet… and its just us… together.”

“I know what you mean… it’s mine too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m still unstable but I manage to roll out of bed to clean up. He meets me at the end, I smile and lean into him…. bumping our heads into each other. We chuckle, that giggle that lovers share…. that only they can… when something silly has happened, but its not ackward… it’s almost sweet.

We kiss and hug… our naked bodies pressed against each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I can hear the tell-tale sign that he is drifting off to sleep. He almost always does this before me. I turn a bit… he stirs…. I tell him I love him… and good night. He, the same.

I roll over followed by my beloved and am encased in his arms… again I sigh and smile… soon I’ll be asleep.

>if I were to die tomorrow…

>If I were to die tomorrow… I could look back and say…. I lived my life the best way I knew how.

I knew love and hurt…. I knew how good a hard days work felt.

I would know how good basking in the summer sun feels on your skin.. and how that can turn a bad day around.

I would know that I was lucky… lucky to have a wonderful husband that comes home to me every night… that shows me everyday just how much he loves me… that there is nothing he would not do for me.

I would know the joy being a parent brings…. the way they do something silly or kind… and it makes your heart explode with such love… such pride… such devotion.

I would know that sometimes people hurt you for no other good reason than to just do it…. and that all you can really do is move forward.

I would know the heartache of losing a parent to death… but also would have come to the realization of just how much he meant to me.

I would have known that friends aren’t always forever.. and that few things are.

I would have known what it was like to come from nothing… to work hard to overcome that… and be better off in life than I ever expected.

I would know that a pet is a wonderful thing to have… to love… they too have a special place in ones life.. just like a family member.

I would know that love is powerful… and even though it does not conquer all…. the world would be a sad… empty place without it.

I would know that I loved my life… that I wouldn’t change it.. even the hard times.

I would know that I had not seen all the places I wanted, but that I sure was trying.

I would have known what it felt like to laugh until I cried… until my chest hurt from doing so.

I would have known how wonderful sex is… and that it can be an Earth shattering thing.

I would have known how taking part in a snowball fight makes you feel like your ten again.

I would have known what true beauty is… and that it is really hard to put into words…. and how that beauty takes your breath away.

I would know that sometimes you just have to cry… sometimes its the only thing that will take the weight off you in that moment.

I would have known… I was true to me and my family… that the things that were most important to me were always number one… that no matter how many years I was lucky enough to live on this world… I lived… every moment of each day.. and that is all I can do… is just be.

>in the depths…

>I was.. and maybe still am.. reluctant to write this post. Its deep and raw… a glimpse into my mind. I figured.. what the hell do I have to lose… and now I’m writing.

I went to a baby shower today. I adore the woman.. she is one of my closest friends. With all the IUD issues I’ve been having and the possibility of pregnancy in my mind… it is really no wonder why I’m feeling a bit upside down right now.

I have been going back and forth on this whole baby issue. I have always swayed more towards no way than to a yes. Part of me thinks that it wouldn’t be so bad to have another child… that it would be wonderful to carry another baby… to bring a life that into the world that is ours. But in that same thought.. I think of how much that would change. And deep down.. I am terrified it will change my relationship.. that it will put a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.

Silly.. yes… but that is my irrational fear. Out there for the world to see… this is me… this is who I am.

From one moment to another I just never know what I’ll be feeling or thinking. This inner turmoil is hard for me. Very hard. Tonight has been difficult on my emotions… my mind is running in several different ways.

It occurred to me tonight.. that.. at some point.. I think I’ve lost sight of who I am. I’ve prided myself for so long for knowing who I am… and what I want… but in this moment.. I don’t. I was this confident.. sexual… woman. Right now.. I don’t feel like that person. My sexuality defines a lot of who I am. Lame? Perhaps. And right now… I feel kind of numb. I feel consumed. I liked being that person… I felt good as that person.. free… I felt that there was no limit to what I could do and experience.

I’m not sure what to do… I want to say this all ties into the whole IUD thing.. and if that is the case.. then I seriously need to make some huge decisions and do something permanent. I honestly do not want to go through this again… this whole experience has been very trying- very draining.

I want things to just return to how they were. I don’t think that is too much to ask. It just goes to show how I’m not a woman of change.. I like things to stay the way they are. I like the known because the unknown scares the shit out of me.

I really hate that this is the turn my blog has taken. But. It’s real. It’s life.. just the way it is.. no fiction.. no story. If I had it in me.. I’d write sexy stories all the time.. but I don’t. This is what my life in this moment… like it or not.

>what’s happening to me?

>When did sex two times a week become part of my life? What happened and when did this change take place…. and when did I become okay with it? Okay, but truly missing it. This shift in our sex life… is it because of all the drama surrounding my birth control.. or is it something more? Between that… his back hurting… being tired… or not feeling good… it seems that sex is something that is few and far between now.

This scares me like I cannot describe… while this shift continue to where its once a week? Or heaven forbid… once a month!? I don’t think I could handle that. I want to say that when I do get my IUD back.. that things will go back to normal.. but I’m not sure about that.

As it is… we’re looking at another two weeks of waiting for that to happen. The doctor wanted to wait a little longer to reinsert… to have a blood test.. he doesn’t want to take any chances that I could possibly be pregnant. I say.. that sucks.. big time. I’m really sick of this limbo and how it fucks with my head… maybe it’s fucking with Ben’s head too.. who knows.

We talk about it… but still that does not give me full insight to what is going on in his head. All I know is what I’m going through and I feel like our world is upside down. Like we’re in the twilight zone… where things are not as they should be. I’m tired of thinking about this.. about writing about it… I want to write about exciting, sexual things that get my blood boiling just by retelling it.

Yes.. this is real life… yes.. we’re still happy…. yes… we still have sex.. just not as often… but damn it.. I’m sick of it. Sick of the uncertainty… the wondering… and being told that I should not have sex at all… or if I have no self control… condoms. Well, obviously this guy does not know me… because there is no way I can go without two weeks without sex laying next to Ben every night… feeling his warmth up against me. Yeah. No. Way.

I so badly want to feel him right now… his hands on my body… cause that want is still there.. that need… the primal one. The one that makes me want him.. that aches to feel him… and turns me to a puddle at the thought of him.

Geez.. I need to get laid.