Category: IUD


>I feel like I’m caught up in a whirlwind… that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control… ie… am I actually getting laid? And really… I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It’s just been one thing after another… and I’m just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely… and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes… yes it is… but it’s how I feel this very moment. It’s maddening… and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with… that are far worse than mine… but that doesn’t make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really… if I never had to take birth control again… I’d be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I’d have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all…. I mean… it wasn’t till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to… why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling… and the effects didn’t fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all… but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex… but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me… because I’ve always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case… I didn’t know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn’t come back… and if I didn’t I wasn’t sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side… always have. Without that… I wouldn’t be complete. That sounds weird… but that’s how I see myself. I am a sexual creature…. plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there… it was hard to handle.

So here I am… exhausted from it all. It’s time to make a tough decision… one that scare me.

I’ve decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with… I don’t ever want to go through this again… and this seems like the best way. My body… my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can’t expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that… I made my decision.

I’m scared shitless….. to say the least. But I can’t keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn’t going to work. My consult is on October 5…. wish me luck… cause I’m certainly going to need it.

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>And the fun continues…

>My body hates me.

No more IUD… didn’t even last two weeks…

Birth control sucks.

NFT.

>the plan

>So.. here’s the 4-1-1.

I went to my appointment yesterday.. and it was realllly hot in that damn room (though.. it really could have just been me). I got in pretty quickly.. which was nice. That doesn’t happen very often. When the doctor came in… she looked at me… and said “I’ve never met anyone with so many birth control issues… you poor thing.”.

Yep. Poor me indeed… poor Ben too.

I gave her an update to where we are now. Trying to figure out what to do next was pretty hard. I’m really running myself out of options.

The Pill- I got pregnant with my youngest daughter
Depo- I really REALLY don’t wanna gain weight (and with recent issues… I don’t want to stick hormones in my body that I cannot take out.. riding that out could be very bad)
IUD- well.. apparently my body hates them now
Nuvaring- yeah… we wont go there
the patch- significant chance of blood clots… um yeah

She asked if we wanted more children.. I said no. She then asked if I had considered getting my tubes tied. Honestly.. I have… and well it scares the shit out of me. So that’s a no go. She asked about other permanent option where they place a spring in each tube.. and have scar tissue seal them. I had a friend that went that route and said it was terribly painful.. that she wished she had the tubal. So that isn’t an option either.

Ben and I have planned for him to get the snip… we have different insurance… and his sucks. So we have to save up for it.. so that doesn’t help us right now. So in reality we just have to get something to get us through the first of the year.

This led me to decide.. maybe I should get another IUD. I mean.. the only problems I had with it was that they don’t want to stay in. They do, however, stay in a few months at least…which should get me through.

The doctors concern is that it can be up to a month before I can have another placed and prescribed the pill to take up the down time. So… I start that tonight and hope that it works till I get another IUD.

I cannot tell you how worried I am about trying a new BC that I haven’t tried… after what has happened. I really don’t want to have another week like I had.. it was horrible. I can’t wait till this is over and I don’t have to deal with hormones… that are not ones I already had that is.

I just have to remember there is an end in sight… this time next year ideally I won’t have this problem.

>hormones=bad

>I’ve put off blogging about this…. but the fact is… at some point… there may be a need to refer back to it. SO…might as well spill the dirty details and move forward.

Back in January, we had some birth control issues. Well it seems that we are right back where we were. At the beginning of this month… my IUD came out… once more. I decided I was over playing the IUD game.. as it seems my body doesn’t like them anymore.. so I went for a new form of birth control.

I picked out the Nuvaring… as some of the other forms aren’t my friend either. I was hoping this would be the end of my problems with anti baby making… I was wrong. A little over a week after starting it… shit kinda hit the fan. I was all sorts of fucked up… I was hormonal and crazy.. to say the least.

The mood swings I was having were out of control… I’d be a raging bitch one minute.. and a crying mess the next. The bad part for me is that I could see myself being irrational… but couldn’t stop. I felt so terrible for Ben having to put up with me but he really was a trooper. He was so patient and good to me throughout the whole thing.

After about a week of this craziness… I really couldn’t take it anymore… and took the damn thing out. That was on Saturday.. and I can feel the difference already. I’m not completely myself still but I’m a lot closer than I was. I cannot begin to describe how difficult it is.. to see yourself go through this. It’s hard not to feel like yourself.

So we’re back to square one. I’m so over birth control and don’t understand why it’s so hard not to have children. I officially hate hormones… and the crap it does to me. I’ve never in my life had such a hard time. This year has really sucked for that.

I’m off to the doctor today… see what to do now. Lets hope whatever I get does the trick.

>So… just when I thought things were getting back on track… well… no I was wrong. Seems that the IUD insertion caused an infection. The doctor said I should be feeling better within 24 hours of it being put in… and here it was… Monday. and now today… I was still feeling all crampy. Today was the worst though.

So I called the doctor up… and he put me on antibiotics. Seriously… I just want this to be over! I just ugh… I’m wondering if its going to end up coming out again… and if so… just what will I do for BC then?

It just seems to be one thing after another… and I say this because I received some very upsetting news this morning after I talked with the doctor. My sister called me and told me that she found out that she has cervical cancer. This really does make my troubles seem so very small.

My sister can be obnoxious… opinionated… overbearing… but I love her. She’s a cool person and I hate to see this happen to her. I don’t know what I’d do if we lost her… I really don’t want to think that… we don’t know the the extent of it just yet. It’s just hard not to think about that… and I know its in the back of her mind as well.

All I can do is hope that they can get it and she will be ok. She has two children, they are not very young… but they still not adults either. Children should never have to lose a parent at such a young age.

So yeah, I’m going to hope for the best. We need the best.

>quick update

>Well guys and girls… we have an IUD again… thank goodness! It was a lot more painful being put in than the last two times… but hopefully that is a good sign. It sucked that it hurt and so I was grumpy most of yesterday. I feel much better mood and pain wise today. I think I owe a lot of that to knowing that things are going back on track and that little bit of stress will be gone as soon as I readjust to the hormones.

So there ya have it.. another chapter in my story done.. on to another. I know how happy Ben must be about it…. me and my craziness. That man has to love me to put up with some of the mood swings I’ve had as of late. It’s really weird how I could see myself being crazy but just couldn’t stop. It, of course, was short lived… but just really irritating to us both.

It will just be nice to be able to focus on something else other than the limbo we were in. So its a happy day for sure.

>in the depths…

>I was.. and maybe still am.. reluctant to write this post. Its deep and raw… a glimpse into my mind. I figured.. what the hell do I have to lose… and now I’m writing.

I went to a baby shower today. I adore the woman.. she is one of my closest friends. With all the IUD issues I’ve been having and the possibility of pregnancy in my mind… it is really no wonder why I’m feeling a bit upside down right now.

I have been going back and forth on this whole baby issue. I have always swayed more towards no way than to a yes. Part of me thinks that it wouldn’t be so bad to have another child… that it would be wonderful to carry another baby… to bring a life that into the world that is ours. But in that same thought.. I think of how much that would change. And deep down.. I am terrified it will change my relationship.. that it will put a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.

Silly.. yes… but that is my irrational fear. Out there for the world to see… this is me… this is who I am.

From one moment to another I just never know what I’ll be feeling or thinking. This inner turmoil is hard for me. Very hard. Tonight has been difficult on my emotions… my mind is running in several different ways.

It occurred to me tonight.. that.. at some point.. I think I’ve lost sight of who I am. I’ve prided myself for so long for knowing who I am… and what I want… but in this moment.. I don’t. I was this confident.. sexual… woman. Right now.. I don’t feel like that person. My sexuality defines a lot of who I am. Lame? Perhaps. And right now… I feel kind of numb. I feel consumed. I liked being that person… I felt good as that person.. free… I felt that there was no limit to what I could do and experience.

I’m not sure what to do… I want to say this all ties into the whole IUD thing.. and if that is the case.. then I seriously need to make some huge decisions and do something permanent. I honestly do not want to go through this again… this whole experience has been very trying- very draining.

I want things to just return to how they were. I don’t think that is too much to ask. It just goes to show how I’m not a woman of change.. I like things to stay the way they are. I like the known because the unknown scares the shit out of me.

I really hate that this is the turn my blog has taken. But. It’s real. It’s life.. just the way it is.. no fiction.. no story. If I had it in me.. I’d write sexy stories all the time.. but I don’t. This is what my life in this moment… like it or not.

>what’s happening to me?

>When did sex two times a week become part of my life? What happened and when did this change take place…. and when did I become okay with it? Okay, but truly missing it. This shift in our sex life… is it because of all the drama surrounding my birth control.. or is it something more? Between that… his back hurting… being tired… or not feeling good… it seems that sex is something that is few and far between now.

This scares me like I cannot describe… while this shift continue to where its once a week? Or heaven forbid… once a month!? I don’t think I could handle that. I want to say that when I do get my IUD back.. that things will go back to normal.. but I’m not sure about that.

As it is… we’re looking at another two weeks of waiting for that to happen. The doctor wanted to wait a little longer to reinsert… to have a blood test.. he doesn’t want to take any chances that I could possibly be pregnant. I say.. that sucks.. big time. I’m really sick of this limbo and how it fucks with my head… maybe it’s fucking with Ben’s head too.. who knows.

We talk about it… but still that does not give me full insight to what is going on in his head. All I know is what I’m going through and I feel like our world is upside down. Like we’re in the twilight zone… where things are not as they should be. I’m tired of thinking about this.. about writing about it… I want to write about exciting, sexual things that get my blood boiling just by retelling it.

Yes.. this is real life… yes.. we’re still happy…. yes… we still have sex.. just not as often… but damn it.. I’m sick of it. Sick of the uncertainty… the wondering… and being told that I should not have sex at all… or if I have no self control… condoms. Well, obviously this guy does not know me… because there is no way I can go without two weeks without sex laying next to Ben every night… feeling his warmth up against me. Yeah. No. Way.

I so badly want to feel him right now… his hands on my body… cause that want is still there.. that need… the primal one. The one that makes me want him.. that aches to feel him… and turns me to a puddle at the thought of him.

Geez.. I need to get laid.

>blah.

>Honestly.. I feel like the worst blogger right now. If I can even be considered that anymore…

I’ve written… or should I say, started writing two different posts, but I just couldn’t finish them… they just started to annoy me and so I scrapped them. They are gone… never to be seen… which is probably for the best.

I’m having an emotional down swing at the moment… why you ask? Who the f knows… sometimes being a woman sucks.. all those hormones raging through your body… and let me tell ya… I’ve certainly had my share of hormonal ups and down since the IUD came out. I’m happy to report, however, the replacement is less than a week away… I just got to get to Thursday morning… and take a pg test.. and keep my fingers crossed (perhaps I should have kept my legs crossed as well- nah!).

I love my children.. I have two girls… they are wonderful… and I could not imagine my world without them. I just can’t see adding to that… I cannot see giving them a brother or sister. Things would change so much for us. I would have to get a different car… we’d have to move into a bigger house… we would never have just us time.. and that one is the hardest one for me.

I’ve grown so accustomed to our alone time… when the girls are gone to their father’s that to go from that would be rather difficult for me… and him. I know that probably seems very selfish.. but its the reality of it… its how I feel… right or wrong.

I went shopping yesterday for a baby shower I’m going to next weekend. It’s something I haven’t done in many years… it is fun no doubt… but enjoying shopping for a baby doesn’t mean we should rush out and have another child. Even so, there is that little question in the back of my head… that nagging… are you sure you don’t want one. We have weighed the pros and cons… and the pros are not even close to being sufficient enough to even consider having a child.

This is what makes this whole IUD issue so troubling. We have been careful to prevent getting pregnant but nothing is 100% except not having sex at all. And well… that really isn’t an option for me.. I would go nuts… really… I would.

I guess what this is all about.. I just want things to be like they were. With no worry in the back of my head… and not have to worry about using protection when we do have sex… there is nothing sexy about that.. at all. It’s made me realize.. that maybe we should take that leap… that it’s time to do something permanent so that we don’t have another issue like this. The thing about that is… it scares me. It scares me to not have that decision in my hands. Yes, we will decide to take that step… but then after that… there is no changing it. Its permanent… or at least, very expensive to change.

That is exactly why we haven’t yet…. because deep down inside, I’m not 100% sure… I’m like… 95% sure. And see… I had a friend do this… she got her tubes tied… and now, her and her boyfriend are wanting to have a child together at some point. It just seems to me.. that making the decision is tough… and it also seems to me that once its made…that I will regret it.

I hate feeling that way… the indecisiveness of it. It sucks.

Ya know, I’m really sorry that my blog has taken this turn. I really hope that I can steer it back to what I intended it to be…. but my life needs to co-operate in that sense… so that it can be sent back to where it was… we’ll see what happens I suppose.

>since I’ve been gone…

>I haven’t blogged much lately. I know this…. and feel really guilty about it. It’s not that I don’t want to blog.. its just that I don’t have anything to say… and the things I have to write about.. well.. they are things that are kind of hard to do so.

See a lot is going on with ME. Lots of things that aren’t that sexy to hear about… so if you don’t want to hear about it… stop here… like I said… not so fun.

About two weeks ago Ben and I were having sex… he had already came and was working on giving me one last orgasm. The build was fantastic and the peak even more so, the only thing was… right after the orgasm ended and I was in the bliss state of coming down… he busts out with “is the string supposed to be this long?!” (to my IUD). I, of course, panicked. I went and checked the string and sure enough it was too long… by like three inches. This was a Tuesday night.

So the next day I set up an appointment for Thursday morning. I went in…. before she checked I asked her if I could possibly be pregnant.. she said yes. So she did the exam, said that the IUD looked like it was in place and snipped the string.

She told me to get a pg test at the lab and set up an ultrasound for the following Monday to double check the placement. I took the pg test and headed back to work. They told me the results would be in within thirty minutes.. I waited a little over a hour.

I called and waited on hold for a while… when they answered… it was negative but that it was diluted… to come in to do a morning test. I said screw that and bought my own test… negative.

On Monday I went to my ultrasound that really, really sucked. The technician couldn’t tell me anything. What I could see… LOOKED good but what do I really know?

I waited till Wednesday to call… and left a message. I got a call that afternoon.. saying everything was okay, that the IUD had just settled. They normally like the placement to be at the top of the uterus.. but that it was all right.

That was a HUGE relief…. until Monday night.

Once again… we had sex… and the string… is long again…

So I check it… and guess what.. the fucking thing COMES OUT. Now I can’t get it replaced for another month… give me a freaking break!

So yeah.. that is where we are… and it sucks.. and its been trying… and stressful. I hate not having sex.. its driving me nuts. So off to other options besides condoms… cause those suck.

So yeah.. nothing fun and sexy to talk about…