Tag Archive: submission


I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.

a day in the life of…

So we’ve been in our new place for three weeks now.  I love the new place… it looks awesome and feels like home.  I’ve been at my new place of work almost three weeks now… and it’s been… an experience.  It’s been a bumpy ride so far.

I have been working my butt off to be honest… and have more work than I can handle by myself.  I running from the moment I show up.  It’s really stressful.  Not to mention that I get split days off… so it seems like I never have any down time.  I am tired all the time.  This, of course, interferes with home.  I go and go…. and I feel like I’m about to drop around 8 at night.  I just have no time.

So this means not a lot of time for play…. and really our dynamic has kind of fallen to the side.  We keep trying to restart… it’s just not happening.  Something always comes up… work… or being sick… etc…. and honestly, it’s frustrating.  I think in the last three weeks we’ve had sex three times.  It’s just really crappy.  I miss it… but I’m not going nuts over it like I normally would. That is cause I am overworked… and my brain is always on the go.

Part of me feels like… I just don’t want to go back to our dynamic.  I don’t see how I have time to all the extra stuff that entails.  When will I have time for that? I just don’t know.  I want to go back to playtime as well… but I fell ho hum about that too.  Deep down I miss it… but I don’t have that driving desire to have play time.  I’m sure it will be one of those things that once I do it again, I’ll get that playtime buzz.  Right now… I just don’t feel that way.  I am so worn thin I don’t have much more to give.

I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like being so tired… and I most certainly don’t like having sex once a week.  I just… ugh!

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

missing his domination

Desires come and go.  It happens because we are wired that way… we can’t be 100% into something every moment of the day.  We have mood shifts… different mind frames… all that.   The steak that sounded so good for dinner one day might not have the same appeal the next.  Variety is a very good thing.

And so, it doesn’t surprise me that my desire to be dominated sexually hasn’t been very strong lately.  I’ve had so many other things going on that it seems my brain has been distracted.. and very much not focused on a good ass beating.

In my head.. I know I miss it… and want it.  I think it’s like summer… people know they love it… they remember it being a certain way, but there is just nothing like experiencing it.  That first warm day, when you can go out and take a dip in a nice cool body of water is amazing.  Just like that first taste of dominance after a bit of a dry spell.  I remember it being amazing, but there isn’t much better than actually experiencing it first hand.

And so, the deep desire.. that leaves me wanton and crazy isn’t there… but I know that I need only experience a taste of domination to be right back where I was only weeks ago.  I miss it. Yes.. very much so.  It doesn’t feel right to go so long without it.  There seems to be this little piece of me that is off… and wrong.  It makes me feel a bit off kilter.

I can’t wait to feel that power over me… to be at my knees swimming deep in my submission.  I need it… to feel balanced.  It’s not something I ever like going without.  This particular dry spell.. there is not blame to be assigned.  It happened and was out of our hands.  I know that Ben is just as eager to get back to the way it was.  Sigh… I can’t wait.  🙂

earning my submission

Before I met Ben… both the long term relationships I had… I wore the pants.  Now looking back, it’s not because I necessarily wanted to be in charge… it was more out of necessity.  Those two men were not men worthy of leading me by any means.  I knew it then.. and definitely know it now.  I may not have looked at it that way at the time but I can see it now.

I was settling then.. for less than what I wanted and needed.  I overcompensated in taking the reigns because I knew that they were too weak to take care of us.  I needed to do it all.. to make sure it was done right because they were unreliable.  Thinking about it makes me sad that I ever did that to myself.  I was too young to realize what I truly needed to be happy.

It wasn’t till years later.. that I found a man worthy of my respect and love.  When Ben and I met and fell in love.. then subsequently moved in together… we were equal partners.  It was what I needed then.  I needed him to be my equal.. and in that I had so much respect for him… to treat me with love, kindness, and respect in return.  It was the first relationship that felt right… and I reveled in the fact that I didn’t need to be his parent like I had been in the past.  I didn’t want another child… I wanted a man.

I don’t think I could have eventually let Ben take charge in our marriage had we not had those beginnings.  He had to earn the right to be the one calling the shots.  I will not kneel before someone who has not earned it.. and he has in so many ways.  I know this is why our dynamic works so well… because we’ve had patience… and built something over many years that is so wondrous.

It makes me wonder how anyone can jump into a D/s relationship not knowing each other.  I don’t think the level of trust and commitment can be given from me without really knowing someone.   I mean, if it works for someone, awesome.. but for me I need to build to something more meaningful and deep.  I know that had we tried this from day one.. it would have failed horribly for us.  I’m glad it happened when it did… right time.. right place sort of thing- kind of like when we met.

Either way.. I am more than happy to be my Owners slave.  It feels right… I don’t question it.  It feels good to not have to control things.. to just be.  I know that at times I have moments where I fall into old ways and try to take over… but he knows how to pull me back to where I need to be.  I am so thankful for him. He is my rock.

the roads we take

I was on Facebook last night and an old school friend of mine had posted a link to something I thought was genius! I followed it and read it (linking back to it now made me see that its a family site which is funny since this is the total opposite) and thought it would make for a great blog post.  Basically… its about thinking about (or writing) 100 ways the events in your life has shaped you.  Now I do not have the time to list out the things that the article talks about… so I decided to focus on one and write about it.

I think that out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life… all the things that has happened to me, the one thing that shaped my life the most was moving to Washington.  I was 19… it was the middle of November when my ex and I decided to pack our life up and move.  I was at the end of the worst part of my life thus far… I was dealing with the emotional wreckage of it all.  I hated Alabama… I’d spent my whole life there.  I didn’t feel tied to what was supposed to be home.

All I had there was my Mother (who was the large driving force to get away) and a few close friends.  It wasn’t enough to keep me there by any means.  I needed a fresh start.. some place I could shape myself into who I wanted to be… not who I had become.  And so the decision was easy… my ex wanted to come home to Washington.. and I wanted out.  We packed up our little apartment, the cat, and the kiddo and trekked across the country.  We made it in three days… driving through snow and ice storms.  Looking back.. I wonder why I wasn’t more scared.  I was leaving behind the only life I ever knew… to go some place I’d never been.  Who knew it would turn out to be the best decision I ever made?

This even set in action all sorts of things…. these ripples would become my life…. that would put me smack dab in the middle of right now.  Other than the obvious changes… my road wasn’t apparent then.  I still lived the way I had before… still settled for less than what I wanted.  I had no clue really about my submissive side.  In the back of my head I knew I wanted rough sex.. but it was less than clear.  It would take the course of five years before that came to light.  Its funny how such a major decision can impact world so slowly.

See.. the thing is.. had I not moved, I woudn’t have met my first Dom.  Which makes me wonder if that would have happened at all… would the even still take place even if I lived somewhere else?  I most certainly wouldn’t have met Ben… and that thought… is terrible.  Life is just a string of events isn’t it?  One melts into another and before you know it… you’ve lived your life.  It’s funny to me that one decision can impact the rest of my life so much.  I can’t imagine I would be where I am had I not moved.  I am almost for certain I wouldn’t be in a wonderful relationship that fulfills me.  I could very well still be living a vanilla life… miserable with how things were.  I don’t want to even begin to think about that.

At the end of the day.. I am thankful I had the courage to change my world.  It forever shaped the path my life would take… the road that would lead me to the man I would one day marry… and subsequently be collared by.  We live in a funny little world… I’m just glad that this funny little world makes me every so happy.

I feel… blah

I haven’t felt much like a slave lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with my recent illnesses.  In a way, I feel a bit lost.  Usually I have this burning desire to serve my Owner… to feel that ownership overpowering me… but that desire seems to have become a mere glowing ember.  I know it’s still there underneath all the crap that is going on but I’m having difficulties getting back into the swing of things… back into that thought process I normally have.

I know all relationships have their ups and downs…. people fall in and out of love… and so I know that our dynamic is no different.  Not feeling that desire doesn’t change that I am owned but I want that feeling back.  I want to long for the nights of play…. for waiting on his every whim… for all of it.  What I feel now is exhaustion.  I feel ho hum about everything right now… just getting through the days to get to the next.  I keep waiting to feel normal again… and that seems to be what I’m doing.  Just waiting.

I know it’ll come… it always does.  There’s always that upswing moment and I feel like a breath of fresh air has enveloped me.   I figure if I push myself just a little to encourage that upswing again I will get there sooner.  It’s got to be better than wallowing in my own disappointment.  I wish I could describe my thought process and feelings better.  I’m struggling with trying to convey what’s going on upstairs.  I just don’t feel right.  I know that I want what we have.. that is not the question here.  I don’t know what I need to kick this sort of funk.

Yesterday I talked to a mutual friend of ours.  She had originally met Ben and became my friend along the way because she needed a woman’s advice… a submissive’s advice.  She’s a lovely person and I really enjoy chatting with her about anything.  Anyways… when we met she desired above anything to serve her husband… but he couldn’t really wrap his brain around the idea.  Between Ben and I… we helped foster a change in their relationship.  Ben had was skeptic that he still really understood the gravity of owning his wife but did what he could to help answer any questions he had.

As far as I knew, it was going along quite well.  I would ask from time to time how the D/s was going and she always seemed upbeat about it and such.  I was happy that she had finally got what she had wanted for so long.  Only, I think a lot of it was an illusion.  She asked me yesterday if I ever acted out to get punished in which I said a resounding no.  We talked back and forth for a few about it and it came to light that he still really wasn’t stepping up to the dominant plate.  My heart sank… I felt so terrible for her.  I wanted so badly to hug her tight cause I knew how much her heart was breaking over it.  She doesn’t have any options but to accept the fact she isn’t going to have the lifestyle she wants… as she loves her husband and leaving is not an option.

It made me grateful that I have the relationship I desire… and ashamed at the same thought because in a way I take for granted what we have… how special it is.  I think it makes it harder to feel kind of glum about it too… because not everyone is lucky enough to have what they want.  I’m not really sure if any of this is making any sense… as it’s just one of those rambley kind of posts that is meant to be mental vomit…. to allow for internal discovery.   Does how I am feeling make any sense?  Probably not.  BUT…. it doesn’t make it any less real.  Does it mean I love Ben any less?  Heavens no!  I’m just in a valley right now… trying to put myself back together after being physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m sure I’ll be my old self before I know it.

 

sick days

It’s been a rough month for me health wise.  I’ve been sick just seven days shy of a month.. and honestly.. I am sick of being sick.  When we left for our vacation (July 19), the day we left my throat was kind of scratchy.  I chalked it up to allergies because nothing else was bothering me.  By the second day of our trip I had almost lost my voice, yet still felt fine.

When we got home I got some Claritin and all was well.  We were pretty tired from the time away and so we took it easy.  I went back to work on July 26th and started to feel poorly the next day.  I took Thursday as a sick day because I could barely move.  I suffered the rest of the weekend before finally deciding to go to the doctor on August 2nd.

She diagnosed me with bronchitis at that appointment.. gave me antibiotics and an inhaler.  She told me take a few days off from work and go back to work on Friday.  I used my sick days to relax and try to get better.  It was a slow recovery but by the time Friday rolled around I only had a cough and some congestion left.  I was feeling okay.

Saturday I took the final dose of my antibiotics and was hoping it wouldn’t be long before I felt like my old self again.  Sunday night, however, my body had other plans.  My head started killing me and I was really cold.   I woke up Monday morning with a 100.2 temp.  I went into work and did the things that only I can do and left after a hour to get to my doctors appointment.  By the time I made it to the appointment, my temperature had spiked to 102.  This time.. I was diagnosed with strep throat.

She gave me a few options medication wise and I chose the easiest (and most painful one I might add) option.. a shot in the ass.  I was kind of amazed I had strep as my throat wasn’t that sore, but what do I know.  The rest of that day I was stricken with fever after fever.  It was pretty miserable.  Today, the fevers are almost all gone, but now my throat and ears really hurt.  I’ve not been able to eat a whole lot.. not that I’m really that hungry.  I thought for sure I’d be feeling better by now.. but it all seems to be such a slow process.  Right now I’m trying to decide if I should take another day off work.  I don’t know.

All I can say is I am totally over this.  It doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to be healthy again. I’ve never been this sick for so long… and its wearing me down.   It certainly lives no time to serve Ben.  He’s been wonderful though.. looking after me and making sure I’m doing all that I need to do in order to get well.   I miss the the way things should be…. when I’m healthy.  I really hope this is the last of this crap and I’m on the mend for real this time.   I want to post about fun stuff… not miserable, sickly girl stuff.  I just want to be well… and at my Owner’s whim. 🙂

becoming what he wants

I’ve always seen the types of submissives that their Dom or Master molds them into their idea of what a good submissive or slave is.  I think this words really well for some people, but for Ben and I, well I always felt we wanted pretty much the same thing… desired the same thing.  So in this.. I didn’t really feel like he had molded me into anything other than what I’ve always been.

Maybe this logic is flawed.  I think we are all a certain way… and the people in our lives that we spend the most time with influence us.  I think its naive to think that we are unchanged by others to a point.  Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here.  It all makes sense in my head, I promise!

So.. my point.  It occurred to me the other night… that in my head I’d always felt like I evolved into things.  In some ways I have on my own.. but the things about me that have evolved were because of others.  Case in point… my love of anal sex.

Anal was always something I just did… not really enjoyed so much.  I was willing though.. as long as it wasn’t often.  It hurts!  Even when Ben and I first got together… it wasn’t really something I sought after.  I knew how much he loved it though… and slowly I’d make mention of it because deep down I just wanted to make him happy and satisfied.  It was something he wanted a lot.. and I was willing to make some strides in doing it more often.   It still wasn’t something we did often, which I often wondered why, even after I suggested we do it more often.

Over the years it became more often… and then when we started down this path, it became something very common.  It was something he conditioned my ass for.. so that it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  I thought for sure it would take a while to do that… but strangely enough… it happened relatively quickly.  I started actually really enjoying it.  I’d have the most amazing orgasms when we had anal…. it was like I had fought it mentally so long, not knowing the wonders that in store.  I think it was then that the transformation took place, from something that I just did to something I craved.

Naturally, Ben is thrilled that I love it so much.  I’d never have thought I would.  It’s crazy the things you can condition yourself to do and endure… and actually love.  This was something he pushed for… even if I openly embraced it… but it was what he wanted.  And in this… I became what he wanted.  He wanted a woman that would openly serve him in anyway his heart (cock?) desired… and that meant anal whenever he wants.  So here I am… without realizing it… his vision.  Who’d have known?

I love being his.. and have no shame in saying I’ve changed because of him.  I don’t see it at all as a bad thing.. but a good one.  It makes us both happier.. how could it be negative?  I know I’m not a big fan of change but sometimes, its a very good thing.