Tag Archive: emotions


so it’s been a while, huh?

SO I’ve been gone a while huh?  Things have been just crazy in my world.  I’m always so busy and on the go.  Sitting here and thinking about how long it’s been… it’s kind of shocking.  Months… my blog has been dark for months.

I figure I owe my blog an update.

The end of May I decided it was time a change personally.  I have been overweight my whole life.  I can’t ever remember being thin because honestly, I never was.  I always loved who I was but I knew that being heavy was going to lower my quality of life.  I think that turning 30 really changed me in so many ways.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I had tried to lose weight before  and was never able to stick with it.  My will power just wasn’t there.

I woke up one day and decided it was finally time.  I was there mentally and physically to make a change.  So I made a lifestyle change… and stepped up to the plate so to speak.  I had a lofty goal… 70 lbs.  I put my head and heart into it.. and off I went.

 

The first two months I had a bad day every week.  I stuck to my calorie intake but emotionally I would be drained.   I missed eating like everyone in my family… it was so hard.  As time passed… it got easier.  I found that I was starting not to have bad days at all.  In fact I haven’t had a bad day since Father’s Day.  I was probably three months in before I finally felt like it wasn’t a diet but a lifestyle change.  I can’t imagine going back to my old habits. It’s just disgusting to me.

Somewhere along the path I realized I wouldn’t be happy losing 70 lbs and changed my goal weight.  It upped my weight loss to 80 lbs.  I hit my half way point last Sunday.  I am currently down 40 lbs… and couldn’t be happier about it.  It’s weird going shopping for clothes now because I don’t really know where to look.  I will tell you though, with each smaller size… it feels amazing.

Along side my weight loss I have become quite active.  I work out five days a week.  I plan on doing a 10k in the Spring… and hopefully a full marathon by next Fall.  It’s a huge goal but honestly… I am so driven… I know I can do it.  I keep pushing myself further and further and amaze myself with what I am capable of. I feel amazing… I can’t really put it into words how it makes me feel.  I could go on and on about it.  I won’t though.  I will just say, I’m so proud of myself… because I did this.. all of it.  Even if I had support… I made this change all on my own.

And as if that isn’t enough… there is more change in my world.  I have received a promotion at work.  I am now the manager of the bakery I work in.  It’s been a whirlwind and I’ve worked so hard to earn it.  There has been lots of stress along the way but I feel like I’m finally settling into the position.  It’s weird being in charge that much is sure.  I kind of like it.  This doesn’t really surprise me though.  I think that being submissive is only something I like in my relationship.

I tell you, this year has been amazing.  So much in my world is right at the moment.  Of course, the thing that’s fallen to the side is our dynamic.  We both miss it so but have so much on our plate.  Ben has been super busy at work as well.  They had some changes at work and he had to pick up the slack.  He had weeks of sixty hour weeks.  It really drained him.  We just focused on being together when we were and loving each other.  That was what was important.

We are on the other side of this now and have intentions of trying to get back to where we were.  I truly hope we can.  It’s a good place for us to be… and we both know it.  It seems like we have been struggling for so long now with this.  I have to believe we can get back to where we were.  Time will tell.

On the Issac front, he and I have parted ways.  He just doesn’t have the time to devote to our relationship right now.  We hope that at some point this will change and we can reconnect.  It’s sad… and that’s all I want to say about it.
So there you have it… this is my world in a nutshell.  I’m going beautiful places.  I never though turning 30 would be so wonderful.  I feel so alive.  Being away hasn’t been so bad.

 

I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

that Christmas themed post

I’ve been feeling the pressure of the holidays and all the stuff that’s been going on with Ben.  It’s been weighing on me… and it was only a matter of time before I had a melt down.  We put up our tree about two weeks ago.  I had worked earlier that day and left in a really good mood.  I wasn’t grumpy in the least bit, which was quite surprising since I’m tired almost all the time right now.

I was making dinner and it was all ready six o’clock… and I was starting to feel the pressure to be able to get the tree up before the kids’ 8:30 pm bedtime.  I asked Ben to put up the tree so that we could jump right into decorating after dinner.  He didn’t feel like it… and so he didn’t.  Admittedly, it annoyed me.  Putting up the tree is always a source of stress for me.  I dunno why… I think it’s the perfectionist in me.    But every year it happens.. I get stressed and then cranky.  I was hoping that he would help ease some of that… this didn’t happen.  In his defense, I am not sure he realized (remembered?) that the tree decorating makes me feel that way.

In any case, after dinner… he and I set the tree up.  It was like night and day.  I went from relaxed… to super grumpy.  I knew I was being grumpy.. I just couldn’t stop myself.  I was utterly annoyed.  Once we got the tree standing I sat.. to wait for him to get the lights on… he didn’t.  I lost it.  It was ridiculous how I acted.. and I am not proud.. but yeah… there was my melt down.  I got really mad that he didn’t do the lights.  He said he didn’t know what I wanted him to do next… in which I replied in the tune of something snarky.  Sarcasm poured from my lips about how he’d never decorated a tree before.  This is where he stopped me.. and took me to our room before I really got of hand.

I argued with him.. lost in my anger… forgetting my place.  He finally had enough of my crap and left me in our room.  I didn’t bother to follow… I was pissed.  As soon as he left.. I felt terrible.  I knew what an ass I was being.  I felt terrible that I had treated him that way.. that I was ruining putting up the tree.  How could I not control myself?  It didn’t matter that I was under stress… I should still remember that he deserves my respect.  I laid down on the bed and cried.

He left me in our room for a bit before he came back in.  Ben came in and hugged me from behind.  I told him I was sorry… and I think he knew I really meant it.  I am sure he know why I was behaving that way too… which is probably why he was more understanding than he should have been.  I had hit my limit.  I knew I had.  Being the rock and working so much had finally taken it’s toll.  It was no surprise I cracked.

I pulled myself together and went to finish the tree with the kids.  I never found my good mood again… but I managed to get through the decorating.  I am sad that it went the way it did.  I wish so much that it hadn’t been how I melted down.  There is nothing I can do about it now but try to do things different next time.  I need to learn how to deal with my stress in other ways… and to go to Ben about it instead of taking it out on him.  In the end, I am only human and can only try to be the best version of myself.  He loves me no matter my flaws.  I am thankful to have such a loving and understanding Owner.  I don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes.

And so.. this is my Christmas story this year.  I think that so much of the world portrays the holidays as this happy time.. but the truth is.. sometimes there are bumps in the road.  Yes, there are good times.. but there are times that aren’t always pretty.  It’s taken some time for me to find my Christmas spirit this year but it has shown up.  I am excited for tomorrow and seeing the kids open their presents.  I love the holidays, but I am most certainly glad they are wrapping up.  I need some down time!

At any rate.. I am thankful to have my health… to have my family.. to have Issac.. to have a job- I am blessed.  Not everyone can say that this holiday season.  And so it’s with such happiness.. that I wish all of you a very happy holiday season, which ever one you celebrate.  I hope it’s the best one yet.. and filled with many good memories to cherish for the years to come.

Merry Christmas! XOXO

the end of something

Things have been pretty busy around our place this month.  It seems like the holidays are always like this.. never enough time to do anything.  It didn’t help that in this mix was thrown the death of Ben’s Mother.  So it seems like we have been scrambling to get everything done.   It’s been far too long since I’ve posted… I just honestly haven’t had the time.  I was excused from my posting till I could get a moment to do it in.

In this time.. some things have transpired for Ben.  He had been talking with this girl for some time.. and some strong feelings had grown between the two of them.  She had a few hang ups and it was causing the budding relationship not to move forward.  For me, I was anxious for him… wanting him so badly to have what I share with Issac.  I would occasionally ask if things were moving in the right direction but it always seemed it was stagnent.  She always wanted to get to know him better… there was always something going on with her.

To me… it seemed weird.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to make time for something good in your life… to have someone to lean on through the rough times.  Maybe I’m different, I don’t know.  What I do know is just tried to be supportive and understanding.  I was growing impatient for him though… and I think at times he was seriously growing tired of it as well.  He had invested a lot of time and effort into this girl.  They have known each other for over a year… and have been working towards a relationship since before I met Issac… so over three months.

So when we went to North Dakota and came home… things in our lives settled back into our normal routine.  We’d been home for a week when she told him that she had realized that she would never be his number one.  She didn’t know if that was what she wanted or needed out of her life.  She complained that she had never been anyone’s number one.  To me it seemed like an excuse…. but if it’s not.. that is fine.  I was very angry though… because to me… it felt like she had used him as an emotional crutch.  He was someone that filled her time… that would dote upon her.. give her attention and be there when she was down.  He filled the boyfriend role without actually getting the perks of being the boyfriend.  If it was true that she needed more than to be someone’s someone special… I am fairly certain she has always known that.  It makes me very upset that she led him on.  All this time, wasted.  He deserves better.

We didn’t talk about it much.. we were both at work when he showed me this.  I was pissed.  I fumed all day.. and into the evening as I was getting ready for playtime.  He wanted to go on like nothing had happened.. and in my eyes.. I didn’t see how that was possible.  How could he not be angry?  How could he go on… business as usual?  My mind was spinning… and I was trying to make sense of it… to reach out to him.. to protect him.  I kept thinking to myself she was lucky I am not a crazy person… because wanted to tell her just what I thought of her.  I didn’t- but I wanted to.

When he got home… the night spiraled out of control.  Somehow we started talking about what had happened.  He had decided he was going to still talk to her and be her friend, which I thought and still do think is a terrible idea.  How can wounds heal that way?  I don’t think they can.. but that is just my thoughts.  There were tears on both our parts.  I was still so angry for him.  I felt this intense wave over me that just screamed that I needed to protect him.  It was kind of surreal.  Who knew I’d have that sort of reaction? I certainly think its a good one.  He seemed to think so too… just by the look on his face as I poured my heart out about how I felt.

He told me he really liked her.. and I just wanted to make it all better for him.  He also said he missed his Mom.  Too much all at once… I could feel the weight on his shoulders… and I wanted to lighten the load.  I didn’t know how to.. but to hold him… be there for him.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  Sometimes we just have to work these emotions out for ourselves.

The whole night there was a dark cloud over us.  It had ruined playtime for us.  It was another reason for me to be angry with her.  Yes, she has a right to bow out of this… she has a right for it not to be the thing for her, but she could have done it sooner… before he was so emotionally involved.   I know women… and I know how they think.. she knew.  She knew that this wasn’t going to work for her.  And it’s bullshit.   But you know, it is her loss.  She will not find a man very easily that will be as committed, patient, and caring as he was to her.  She never deserved him.

 

loss and the road trip

Where to start?  It has been one hell of a week.

Last Sunday I didn’t wake up thinking I would be on my way to North Dakota by that night.  I woke up thinking it was going to be just like any other day… that the next day I’d be going to see Issac.  The reality of that day would be very different than I had anticipated.

It was around 10 am when my phone rang.  It was Ben.. I thought he had just taken an early lunch.  I answered cheerfully… and was met by very distressing news.  Ben was crying.. and told me that his Mom had passed away.  My stomach flopped… how was this even possible.  He had just talked to her a few days before… on Thanksgiving and she was fine.  I mean, she had some medical issues but she was fine.

The phone call was short… he said he was coming home.  My mind swam… she was 1,200 miles away… what were we going to do?  I finished up what I needed to do and left work as well.  As it turns out we both pulled into the driveway at the same time.  I got out of the car immediately and went to him.  As soon as he got out of the car.. I hugged him.  I cannot describe how hard it is to see the person you love so completely devastated.  It tore me up to see him like that.

We got home at around 11 am.. and by 3 pm we were on our way to North Dakota.  The plan was to drive there.. clean up her place and settle any bills and such while were there… then head home.  We had a very short period of time to get it all done so we could get back and go back to work.  We left the kids with their grandparents to make this trip easier.   His Dad came along with us… we took his truck because it is a 4×4 which came in handy when it came to going over the passes and moving some of the stuff out of her place.

The trip over was terrible.  In fact, the whole trip was terrible.  His Dad drove us both nuts.  He’s a nice guy but has a lot of annoying character traits.  I was so ready to boot him out of the truck it was ridiculous.  I had earbuds in almost the whole time just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his voice or his poor choice of music.  When it came time to let him drive.. well lets say, I was scared for my life.  Imagine a little kid sitting in a car pretending to drive.  Well that’s his Dad.  He jerks the steering wheel back and forth which causes him to weave all over the place.  It is amazing to me that he hasn’t killed anyone.. or himself.. or had a wreck of any kind.  It was terribly scary… and we had him drive as little as possible.

We got to North Dakota around 10 pm on Monday.  It was a very long drive and we were really tired.  We met up with the neighbor who had found Ben’s Mom.  She let us into the apartment…. and when inside I realized what kind of task we had in front of us.  She was very much a pack rat… that collected all sorts of things.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very clean person.. but the amount of stuff was overwhelming.

We hadn’t been there fifteen minutes when the first family member showed up.  Ben’s uncle and his crazy girlfriend.  They would end up following us to have dinner and invite themselves to sit with us.  It was all a bit much to take in for the driving ordeal we had just had.  The other brother and girlfriend would show up the next day.  Both thoroughly pissed Ben off very early on.

Over the next couple days there was all sorts of stuff going on… lots of emotions… lots of stress.  There is something interesting about becoming the rock for your Owner.  That is what he needed… and it was very taxing on me.  I had a few moments where I felt totally overwhelmed.  There was some tears on my part from all of this… that came and passed quickly.  I didn’t have time to wallow in my own shit.  I had to be the strong one.. and I had to be the driving force behind getting stuff done.  I’ve been through some really hard stuff… but this certainly topped the charts.  It was a hard situation all around.

All of this was done and over with by Thursday morning.. we pulled out of town by noon.  I cannot tell you how relieved I was to be back on the road… back on my way to home.  I missed my home.. missed my children.. missed my cats… missed Issac… I missed my phone having proper service.  I so wanted our lives to go back to normal.  I knew how tiring and terrible the trip home would be… but it was worth it to go home.  I was tired of all the crappy food… the hard beds… just yeah.. everything sucked.

The strain of the trip and how busy we were took it’s toll on all of us.  I could feel the space between Ben and I.. even though he was close enough to touch.  It was distressing to say the least.. but I knew as soon as we were home… we would reconnect and all would be well again.  And so, I didn’t dwell on this… just held onto the prize at the end of the journey.

We finally pulled into town last night at around 7 pm.  I was excited to see our cats… the kids were at their Dad’s.  We walked in… and we only saw two.  We searched the house over… only not to find the third one.  We searched outside for a hour… after tears had fallen and the worst was feared.  We didn’t find her.. and we were heartbroken.  After the week we’d had… hadn’t we endured enough? This was so not fair.  I’d take another week away if it meant she was home.

Then Ben went into our room and saw a flash of gray.  We had no idea where she was hiding… but there she was.  We were so relieved.  But we were spent.  It was all too much.  We had worked too hard… dealt with too much… and now it was time to finally just be.  It is amazing the amount of stuff a person can handle.  We are such resilient creatures.  I just hope we never have another experience like this.  Ever.

So today… I am still exhausted.  I could sleep another ten hours easily.  I am just simply worn out… but Ben and I have found one another again just as I thought.  I love him so… and I would do it all over again.. because that’s what you do for the people you love.  Sometimes you have to be someone’s rock and let the storm rage against you in order to protect them.  It just goes to show you how versatile our roles have to be.  He can’t always be the one that takes the lead… sometimes he needs me to.  It doesn’t make him any less in charge…. it just makes us a couple that loves one another… that doesn’t fit anyone’s mold but ours.

There is so much that happened… it would take me forever to share.  These were the major bits.  The rest will fade into the past… and stay there.  All we can do now is move forward.  Me? I am just happy to be home.

how do YOU masturbate?

Hello again boys and girls!  (heh) In today’s blog post we are going to talk about masturbation… say it with me… mas-tur-bation.  Very good!  The act of masturbation is not only fun but is good for you as well!  Everyone should do it!  Just sayin’.

I know that I personally do not get enough alone time for it.  If I’m lucky I will get to have a solo act once a week.  With kids and work… there is little time left for any Sierra alone time.  So when I do manage to get some, I don’t let it go to waste.  Before the recent rule changes, I’d have to ask for permission.  Sometimes I weighed the pros and cons… and if it was truly worth asking.  Getting a no would really suck.  Fortunately, 99% of the time Ben would say yes.

Since the change, I have to say that I have seen a difference in myself.  The very next day after we talked about it… I was insatiable.  It was something that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.. and it was a welcome change.  It was strange being able to touch my pussy without asking.. but nice at the same time.  I took full advantage.

So this lends itself to masturbation content.  For me personally my fantasies are filled with one of three people.  Ben, Issac, or the random faceless person(s).  My best friend and I have talked about this before and she thinks it’s weird that Ben is part of what I fantasize about.  She never uses her boyfriend in hers… she says she gets that.. why would she dream of that?  I say.. I love having sex so much with Ben.. that why on Earth would I not put him in my fantasies?

Ben is of the same thought… that I am not part of what he jerks off to.  It bothers me… and I try not to think about it.  Everyone is different and I try to understand and accept that.  I can handle it as long as it’s not shoved in my face.  I think the biggest reason why it bothers me is because it makes me feel like I’m not interesting enough or sexy enough to have a staring role in his fantasies.  This, of course, is silly because he chooses to be with me.. and have sex with me.  It’s one of the few insecurities I have.

In any event.. it doesn’t come up very often.  It’s a good thing… because if it came up all the time… I think I’d be a mess.  But it makes me wonder what others are like?  Are you more like me? Or more like Ben?  I inquired with Issac over the weekend to hear his answer.  His wife makes an appearance sometimes.  So he’s more like me.  🙂

So… I’m taking a poll… and the question is for partnered people be it that you’re married, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or engaged.  OR anywhere in between.   Thanks in advance for your responses!

rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

Ben took over looking for porn.. as I was unsuccessful.  The peeled ginger root in the glass of water was taunting me.. the idea that it was going to be in my ass shortly was something I tired hard not to think about.  He quickly redirected my attention to his cock.  I set to work on it… lavishing it with all the focus I could muster.  No matter what, the ginger was still there in the back of my mind.  I didn’t want this to happen… but when it came down to it, that didn’t matter.  He had decided… and I would comply.. because that is the decision I made a long time ago.

Ben went through a few clips of porn before he settled on one that seemed it interest him.  I could feel how interested he was against my tongue.  I do so love when he is super turned on… it makes me feel really good.  He let me work him over for a while before he decided he wanted to warm my ass.  He asked if I was ready for some pain… as always.. I was.

I turned around in front of him… not knowing which implement he would choose.  He had me lay out the crop and cane.. so either were a real possibility.  I waited with bated breath.  Before I knew it.. I felt the first sting of the crop.  It always cuts through me… straight to my core.  I clenched my ass and yelped.  It didn’t take him long to get into a good stride.  I could feel the heat in my ass radiating off my skin.  I could feel the wetness grow between my thighs.

At some point he switched it up… throwing the cane in the mix.  The good thing about the cane is I manage that pain much better than the crop.  There is a sting.. but I can breathe through it.. where the crop I struggle with.  So this switch was very much welcome.  Minutes passed with him beating my ass… my cries cutting through the house.  And then another change… the beating stopped.  I felt him get behind me.. and slid his cock deep into my very needy cunt.

I sighed with pleasure from being filled.  I needed it.. to break up the pain.  A little bit of pleasure always helps with that.  His hands dug into my hips… pulling me back into him.  I could certainly get used to this reprieve… enjoying each minute that passed.  Only this wouldn’t last.  He wanted to beat me some more… to make my ass feel what he had to give.

Another round of the cane and crop bombarded my back side.  At some point there was no thought of what lay ahead, but just living in the moment… taking in the pain.  Time passed… and before I knew it, it was time.  He asked if I was ready… and I most certainly was not.  He took it out of the water… and pressed it against my ass.  I tried so hard to relax… being tense was only going to make it worse.

He slowly worked it in… and I could feel the foreign object invading me.  There was a spot on the top that felt particularly rough.  I tried to tough it out… maybe it was just me needing to relax.  As he moved it in and out a bit, I knew this wasn’t the case and told him it hurt in a way it wasn’t supposed to.  Ben told me to relax and removed it.  I could already feel the beginning stages of the warmth it brought.

He shaved it down a little in the spot that wasn’t right and then reinserted it.  Ben made sure it was better before proceeding.  It felt a lot smoother… as far as better, well that is all relative isn’t it?  The burn was picking up… I had to focus.. and breathe.  I kept my eyes shut… trying to stay on top of it because if I lost control… it’d be all over with.  I told myself I could do this.  I knew I could.

Then… Ben broke out the cane again.  I could feel my heart sink.  My heart raced and my ass burned.  This wasn’t pleasant… and I didn’t like it.. at all.  But still.. I tried to stay focused as each stroke made contact with my very red ass.  I don’t know how much time passed.  It ceased to exist.  All that was there was us…  and that damn ginger in my ass.

Somewhere in there.. the ginger had leaked… and rolled down to make my pussy lips burn.  It was all so much to handle…. and yet it wasn’t over.  When Ben was satisfied I’d taken enough from the cane… he got behind me.  I knew what was coming.  We had talked about it long ago… fantasized about it… dreaded it. His cock plunged deep inside of my pussy…and this time.. there was no pleasure.  I couldn’t feel any pleasure through the burning.  It was non-existent.  He asked me if that was good… and I believe I said no.  I can’t really remember… I was in survival mode.

Time stopped.  I whined.. and tried hard to breathe.. all the while he was thoroughly enjoying himself.  My brain just kept replaying.. let this just end.. please cum.. please cum.  Before long I was questioning if I could survive this.  I didn’t know anymore… even if I was determined.  Please cum.  It burned so intensely.  My ass so full… my cunt so full.  If only I could be enjoying this.  Please cum.  So close to tears… just focus… I can do this.  Please, please, PLEASE cum.  I may die.  And then… he came.

Still I found no pleasure.. I was in agony.  Once his spasms were complete.. he pulled out… then removed the ginger carefully.  I collapsed.  And if this was possible.. it was worse after he pulled it out.  It seems all the juice was freed from it’s ginger root dam.  I just wanted it to stop burning.  Luckily.. since the source was gone… the burning slowly started to dissipate.

It would take minutes before I could actually speak.  The burning had cold to just a mild annoyance.  It was a tough experience… just as the first.  I found pleasure in very little… mostly that I had survived it without begging out of it.  I felt pretty proud of myself.  It was a major accomplishment in my eyes.  But damn, my poor ass.

revisiting an “old friend”

As of late… things have been pretty tame between Ben and I.  We’ve had so much going on.  Between work, home, kids… all that stuff.. it’s been keeping us on the go.  Of course, we still have sex.. but it’s not really been super intense.  I was missing it.. but not in this super nagging way.  I was just aware of it… but knew why.  We only have so much we can give before it’s too much.  We were still very connected… and happy and so I was okay with the less intense sex life.  Everything comes in waves, no?

I decided to bring it up.. just to make sure all was okay and that there wasn’t something underlying about the lack of intensity.  Everything was fine though.. but it never hurts to check in with each other I think.  Communication is paramount for sure.

So when the weekend approached… play night was fast and approaching, we were texting each other while at work.  There was mention of playtime… making sure we were still on and what kind of play was in my future.  When he said the kind that leaves me sore and bruised.. I was giddy to say the least.  A good hour passed before he sent another random text.

“Bring home a ginger root”…. and inwardly… I cringed.. probably outwardly too.  I sent him back a face that showed I was not excited… and he responded by saying I knew it was coming sooner or later.  He was right.. I did.  BUT, I didn’t have to like it!  The first and last experience I had with figging… wasn’t pleasant in the least bit.  After it happened… Ben had decided we would give it a go once more.. just didn’t know when.  The day had arrived.  It was ginger time once more, ready or not.

So when I got off work.. I picked up the ginger.. even though I didn’t want to.  Not getting it was never an option… I wouldn’t want to find out what would happen.  It wouldn’t be pleasant that’s for sure!  When I got home, I left the ginger out on the counter for Ben to see when he got home.  I went straight to the tub and took a long hot bath.  I made sure not to dwell on what was ahead of me… there really is no point.  It was happening and I was going to give into his will.

When he got home, I greeted him on my knees.  I saw his eyes dart over to the root laying out for the world to see.  He made no remark.  He asked if I wanted to shower with him, which I did.. as I was cold from waiting after my bath.  After all that stuff was out of the way we retired to the living room where I got him a drink while he looked for porn.  I sat at his feet when I was done.  He told me to fetch the root and a knife.

I sighed deeply and went after what he asked for.  I brought back a bag as well to catch the peel.  He handed off the mouse to find something to watch while he took over the business of peeling.  He sent me after a glass of water and then it was time to get down to business…