Tag Archive: slave


I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

earning my submission

Before I met Ben… both the long term relationships I had… I wore the pants.  Now looking back, it’s not because I necessarily wanted to be in charge… it was more out of necessity.  Those two men were not men worthy of leading me by any means.  I knew it then.. and definitely know it now.  I may not have looked at it that way at the time but I can see it now.

I was settling then.. for less than what I wanted and needed.  I overcompensated in taking the reigns because I knew that they were too weak to take care of us.  I needed to do it all.. to make sure it was done right because they were unreliable.  Thinking about it makes me sad that I ever did that to myself.  I was too young to realize what I truly needed to be happy.

It wasn’t till years later.. that I found a man worthy of my respect and love.  When Ben and I met and fell in love.. then subsequently moved in together… we were equal partners.  It was what I needed then.  I needed him to be my equal.. and in that I had so much respect for him… to treat me with love, kindness, and respect in return.  It was the first relationship that felt right… and I reveled in the fact that I didn’t need to be his parent like I had been in the past.  I didn’t want another child… I wanted a man.

I don’t think I could have eventually let Ben take charge in our marriage had we not had those beginnings.  He had to earn the right to be the one calling the shots.  I will not kneel before someone who has not earned it.. and he has in so many ways.  I know this is why our dynamic works so well… because we’ve had patience… and built something over many years that is so wondrous.

It makes me wonder how anyone can jump into a D/s relationship not knowing each other.  I don’t think the level of trust and commitment can be given from me without really knowing someone.   I mean, if it works for someone, awesome.. but for me I need to build to something more meaningful and deep.  I know that had we tried this from day one.. it would have failed horribly for us.  I’m glad it happened when it did… right time.. right place sort of thing- kind of like when we met.

Either way.. I am more than happy to be my Owners slave.  It feels right… I don’t question it.  It feels good to not have to control things.. to just be.  I know that at times I have moments where I fall into old ways and try to take over… but he knows how to pull me back to where I need to be.  I am so thankful for him. He is my rock.

Punished- 10

I think some times as people we become complacent.  Admittedly.. I have become that… complacent… in my position as Ben’s slave.  It wasn’t on purpose by any means… merely the product of a set of events that have been in  motion for over a month.  It started when we went on vacation… and then fell ill right after we got home.  It was hard to keep up all the things I needed to do… and Ben took pity on me.  It was what needed to happen… in order for him to properly take care of me.  A broken and sick slave does no one any good.  I needed to heal… and given time.

This is all fine and dandy… had I resumed the same mentality that proceeded our vacation.  Somewhere in this… I hadn’t forgotten I was his slave… I just… became lazy.  It was easier to let things that I am do to fall to the side.  He wasn’t paying attention it seemed… (though in hind sight… I’m sure he was) and so it must not be important, right?  Well obviously it is important.. or he wouldn’t have made it a rule or task.

As of late, I’ve been forgetting more and more about my plug then asking to make up the time the following day.  I’ve taken advantage of his generosity in this.  Did I do this on purpose? Maybe a little.  To be honest, wearing my Njoy everyday is a bit daunting.    Sometimes I down right hate doing it.  I see the purpose in it… it was proven to me on our vacation.  I didn’t take my plug (with permission) on our trip because it just wasn’t practical.  When we came home and ended up having anal sex… it hurt so much more than in it had in a very long time.  My Njoy helps the pain a lot… more than I had realized.  So not only does this make my Owner happy… but it serves a very good sexual purpose for us both.

Last night.. was no exception.  I have been so busy lately trying to get the kids ready for going back to school, photographing a wedding and now editing said pictures, working, on top of all my household duties… its been a bit much for me.  I’m exhausted everyday.  Yesterday I went back to zumba finally after like a month off.. I had missed it so.  I didn’t get home till 6:30 and then had to make dinner and such.  I finally sat down around 8 or 8:30.  Before I realized it I had lost my window to wear my plug for two hours.  I asked Ben to make up my time tomorrow… he replied “triple time tomorrow”.  I tried to object… I was shocked… pouty… and mad.  It wasn’t fair.  How was I going to fit in time for that?  I didn’t object long before I realized I wasn’t going to win… just shut up and deal with it.  No reason to make the situation worse.

By bed time.. I was kneeling.. waiting for him to allow me in bed.  And he brought it up.  How long had it been since I had done a blog post.  I knew I had went over… I had told him I was going to do one on Monday I believe.  I failed to do so.  I had actually thought about it after the plug fiasco, but honestly, I was so tired from all that I’ve been doing it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  In my head I put it off for the next day and forgot about it.  But here we were… I was being  called out for it.  I was wrong… I knew I was wrong.  But didn’t he understand?  I’ve had so much on my plate, surely he would understand.

This is where a relationship like ours isn’t fair.  It is up to me to make it work.. or bring it to him to help me sort it out so that I can successfully do all that I am required to do.  I didn’t do that… I didn’t do anything in fact.  He asked me how many days it had been… I couldn’t tell him exactly.  I didn’t know.   He pulled me up and bent me over the bed.  I was inwardly outraged but obediently took my punishment.  He added up the three days that I had lapsed and hit me those three times with the hanger.  It’s not often I cry from a punishment but I felt the tears well up in me… and spill out of my eyes.  He pulled me to him… and I didn’t want him to touch me.  I was actually angry with him.  I am never angry when he punishes me but repentant.  I didn’t think this was fair at all…. even if I knew it was earned.  (Did I mention he is sick?  Yeah… bad slave that misbehaves so that her Owner has to punish her while he feels like crap).

He told me to get into bed and I asked if I could go blow my nose.  He said okay and I disappeared. I shut the bathroom door behind me and cried silently.  I didn’t want him to know I was so angry at me… because that leaves me vulnerable.  If I hadn’t been mad, I think I would have responded differently.  For a split second… I was pissed that our relationship was this way… and I didn’t want it to be anymore.  This was just wrong.  And then… almost instantly I knew I would regret that.  It’s amazing the things that being upset will make you think.

After I composed myself I climbed into bed and laid down… saying nothing.  I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what was going on in my head… again… bad slave.  He turned off the light… and as always… can tell read me like a book.  He inquired.  I had to admit I was angry with him… and he explained why he had punished me further.

He brought up an incident that happened the other day.  I had came home and he was no where to be seen.. I called out for him.. waiting at the door for him.  He said he was in the bathroom and would be out in a second.  Instead of waiting.. I just took it upon myself to decided I didn’t need to wait for him.  He never said anything… but apparently it was noticed.

He told me that he felt I needed a reminder of my place… and in all honesty.. I think he was completely right.  Even if I agreed with him and saw his rationale of this… I was still mad.  It surprised me that I was so upset… so inwardly defiant… even if I was outwardly obedient.  I just couldn’t get past being upset with him… and so I went to sleep… unhappy.

I woke up this morning and planned for today to be a better day.  I had six hours of plug wearing ahead of me… and I didn’t want to have to wear it to zumba.  The only option was to take it work with him… and so I packed it in my bag to be inserted a little later.  I followed through.. sending Ben proof that I was indeed wearing it.  I got a “good girl” and went about my day.  I wasn’t angry anymore.  I knew where I had messed up… and totally understood why I was in trouble.  Has my punishment worked?  Well I did my plug time and wrote my blog post… so I guess it has.  I hope it continues to be that way cause I hate being on his shit list!

I feel… blah

I haven’t felt much like a slave lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with my recent illnesses.  In a way, I feel a bit lost.  Usually I have this burning desire to serve my Owner… to feel that ownership overpowering me… but that desire seems to have become a mere glowing ember.  I know it’s still there underneath all the crap that is going on but I’m having difficulties getting back into the swing of things… back into that thought process I normally have.

I know all relationships have their ups and downs…. people fall in and out of love… and so I know that our dynamic is no different.  Not feeling that desire doesn’t change that I am owned but I want that feeling back.  I want to long for the nights of play…. for waiting on his every whim… for all of it.  What I feel now is exhaustion.  I feel ho hum about everything right now… just getting through the days to get to the next.  I keep waiting to feel normal again… and that seems to be what I’m doing.  Just waiting.

I know it’ll come… it always does.  There’s always that upswing moment and I feel like a breath of fresh air has enveloped me.   I figure if I push myself just a little to encourage that upswing again I will get there sooner.  It’s got to be better than wallowing in my own disappointment.  I wish I could describe my thought process and feelings better.  I’m struggling with trying to convey what’s going on upstairs.  I just don’t feel right.  I know that I want what we have.. that is not the question here.  I don’t know what I need to kick this sort of funk.

Yesterday I talked to a mutual friend of ours.  She had originally met Ben and became my friend along the way because she needed a woman’s advice… a submissive’s advice.  She’s a lovely person and I really enjoy chatting with her about anything.  Anyways… when we met she desired above anything to serve her husband… but he couldn’t really wrap his brain around the idea.  Between Ben and I… we helped foster a change in their relationship.  Ben had was skeptic that he still really understood the gravity of owning his wife but did what he could to help answer any questions he had.

As far as I knew, it was going along quite well.  I would ask from time to time how the D/s was going and she always seemed upbeat about it and such.  I was happy that she had finally got what she had wanted for so long.  Only, I think a lot of it was an illusion.  She asked me yesterday if I ever acted out to get punished in which I said a resounding no.  We talked back and forth for a few about it and it came to light that he still really wasn’t stepping up to the dominant plate.  My heart sank… I felt so terrible for her.  I wanted so badly to hug her tight cause I knew how much her heart was breaking over it.  She doesn’t have any options but to accept the fact she isn’t going to have the lifestyle she wants… as she loves her husband and leaving is not an option.

It made me grateful that I have the relationship I desire… and ashamed at the same thought because in a way I take for granted what we have… how special it is.  I think it makes it harder to feel kind of glum about it too… because not everyone is lucky enough to have what they want.  I’m not really sure if any of this is making any sense… as it’s just one of those rambley kind of posts that is meant to be mental vomit…. to allow for internal discovery.   Does how I am feeling make any sense?  Probably not.  BUT…. it doesn’t make it any less real.  Does it mean I love Ben any less?  Heavens no!  I’m just in a valley right now… trying to put myself back together after being physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m sure I’ll be my old self before I know it.

 

becoming what he wants

I’ve always seen the types of submissives that their Dom or Master molds them into their idea of what a good submissive or slave is.  I think this words really well for some people, but for Ben and I, well I always felt we wanted pretty much the same thing… desired the same thing.  So in this.. I didn’t really feel like he had molded me into anything other than what I’ve always been.

Maybe this logic is flawed.  I think we are all a certain way… and the people in our lives that we spend the most time with influence us.  I think its naive to think that we are unchanged by others to a point.  Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here.  It all makes sense in my head, I promise!

So.. my point.  It occurred to me the other night… that in my head I’d always felt like I evolved into things.  In some ways I have on my own.. but the things about me that have evolved were because of others.  Case in point… my love of anal sex.

Anal was always something I just did… not really enjoyed so much.  I was willing though.. as long as it wasn’t often.  It hurts!  Even when Ben and I first got together… it wasn’t really something I sought after.  I knew how much he loved it though… and slowly I’d make mention of it because deep down I just wanted to make him happy and satisfied.  It was something he wanted a lot.. and I was willing to make some strides in doing it more often.   It still wasn’t something we did often, which I often wondered why, even after I suggested we do it more often.

Over the years it became more often… and then when we started down this path, it became something very common.  It was something he conditioned my ass for.. so that it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  I thought for sure it would take a while to do that… but strangely enough… it happened relatively quickly.  I started actually really enjoying it.  I’d have the most amazing orgasms when we had anal…. it was like I had fought it mentally so long, not knowing the wonders that in store.  I think it was then that the transformation took place, from something that I just did to something I craved.

Naturally, Ben is thrilled that I love it so much.  I’d never have thought I would.  It’s crazy the things you can condition yourself to do and endure… and actually love.  This was something he pushed for… even if I openly embraced it… but it was what he wanted.  And in this… I became what he wanted.  He wanted a woman that would openly serve him in anyway his heart (cock?) desired… and that meant anal whenever he wants.  So here I am… without realizing it… his vision.  Who’d have known?

I love being his.. and have no shame in saying I’ve changed because of him.  I don’t see it at all as a bad thing.. but a good one.  It makes us both happier.. how could it be negative?  I know I’m not a big fan of change but sometimes, its a very good thing.

We just returned from vacation last night… and it was certainly a good one.  We visited the Redwood forest, the Oregon Caves, and Crater Lake in Oregon.  It was a whirlwind vacation… were were always on the go and packed in so much.  We had a whole lot of firsts which was really awesome to experience as a family.  The kids ranked this vacation as their second favorite… only bested by Disneyland.  Who’d have known a camping trip would rank so closely to the happiest place on Earth?  In any case, it makes me smile to know they had an amazing time.

If you read my last post… you will know how stressed and cranky I was going into this vacation.  Unfortunately, that didn’t fade with the 1,221 miles we traveled.  There were many instances I was a real pain in the ass.  I let my stress and my need to control things get in the way.  At home it’s easy.. things stay the same… they are predictable.   On vacation… nothing is predictable other than the things we planned to do and see.

Then there was Ben’s crankiness… which I feed off of.  Some how we kept getting each other wrong… I’d say something that he would hear the wrong way… and we’d end up snapping at each other.  It was a horrible feeling.  I felt like he just criticizing here and there… and it was wearing me thin.  Don’t get me wrong, we had a good time and lots of wonderful moments.. but I will always remember those moments where I wasn’t very slave-like… where I disrespected my Owner… and I have to say… I’m pretty ashamed of my actions.

The worst moment was when we were packing up camp… and I just lost it.  I was super cranky… and disrespectful.  I could see myself doing it.. and couldn’t stop myself.  I let it get the best of me.   There I was…. being scolded… being told to knock it off and I couldn’t shake that defiant feeling.  I couldn’t let go of my annoyance… my crankiness, try as I might.

I didn’t know what awaited me when I got home… I knew I had been way out of line.  I knew that he understood why I had behaved the way I had, but that didn’t excuse it… it was no reason.  I am his slave and he demands respect.  If I won’t give him that.. there is a price to pay.  Deep down I hoped that he would punish me.  I needed that correction… that guidance to get back on track.  After we unpacked and showered… by the time it was bed time I did my nightly devotion.  When he came to me, I was bowing before him and he talked to me… asking me stuff.. about my behavior on our trip.

He told me that I would be punished and then I would pleasure him after- not severely.. but punished nonetheless.  I knew I had it coming… and I still dreaded it.  I knew that meant I’d be spanked with the hanger… and I hate it.  I took it with grace though.  I had accepted the punishment before he even said anything about it… I knew I had earned it.

Once each blows were administered… I served my owner… and swallowed every last drop of his cum.  And like that, my sins were washed away.  We would move on from this point.  There is no need to dwell on it… but learn from my actions.  I can’t say it won’t happen again, but I certainly will try for it not to happen.  I like being his well behaved slave.. one he can count on to remember her place, not a bratty, unruly slave.  Now that we are home.. things will settle down and I can go back to being more like myself.  This is a good thing.

cranky girl

We are leaving to go camping today.  It’s been a stressful process getting everything put together and packed.  I haven’t been the most patient, nor well behaved slave.   I’ve been snappy… and irritable.  The pressure of getting it all done and making sure we have everything has gotten to me.  It makes me pretty unbearable to be around… and it’s down right embarrassing that a woman of my age would behave like that.  Sometimes I just let things get the best of me… and then I’m out of control.

Honestly, Ben has been a saint and put up with my grouchiness… heaven knows why.  I’m not sure why he hasn’t bent me over the bed and given me a sound spanking.  I know I need it… and I know I won’t be able to ask for it as the kids being home makes it hard to have spankings during the week.  I haven’t had a spanking in over a week.. and I can feel it in every inch of my body.

Over the weekend.. he worked too much and when we did have the opportunity to do so, we used it to reconnect after many days of not having much time together.  At the time, it was just what we needed… and I felt really good afterwards.  But now that I’m neck deep in vacation work… I feel the lack of a spanking eating away at me.  It’s making me a disrespectful brat to be honest.

Deep down I just want him to grab me by the hair and drag me to our room to tell me to knock my crap off.  He knows how stressed I am and I imagine that’s a big part of why he hasn’t.  I’m sure he thinks it would make matter worse, though I don’t think I agree with that.  I think I need his strong hand.. keeping me in line.  I feel poorly about my behavior… and will be apologizing to him later.  Though.. perhaps I should just pull my head out of my ass so that there is nothing to apologize for.

Vacations are supposed to relaxing but at the moment I feel frazzled.  I hope that once we are out and about I will chill out and enjoy it.   I’d hate to need a vacation from my vacation…. and I’d really hate to earn myself a punishment.  Though… I feel like I’ve already earned one.  This stubborn and cranky girl needs to be put in her place.  I’d hate to be my Owner right now!

when life happens…

My sweet Bean has been… to put it bluntly…. working his ass off.  He’s been putting in twelve hour days…  with forty-five minute commutes each way on top of it.  It’s been taking a toll on him.. and our home life.  Most days he gets home around eight pm… sometimes closer to nine.  By the time he gets home, all he has time for is dinner, a shower, and a little time to relax before it’s bedtime so he can turn around and do it again.  It really makes us wonder what it is all for.

We miss each other so much when we aren’t together.. and find little time to be able to even text one another because he is usually busy doing his job.  He manage here and there to say hi but that is about it.  Even when he is home, he’s so tired from working so much that it makes any quality time difficult.  I know how tired he is… and how he just needs to decompress from a long, hard day.  I try my best to make it the best I can.  I can see it in his eyes though.. I know how sad it makes him that he’s not able to give me much more than that after he gets home.

On my side of things.. even though I know all these things.. my mind still works in strange ways.  I feel the strain of his absence.  It makes it hard to remain in my place.  I need a healthy dose of his direct dominance over me in order not to feel anxious.  Without it, I find myself struggling to follow the rules and tasks that he doesn’t keep a keen eye on.  There are so many things he expects of me that he leaves me to my own devices.  He expects me to follow through with them without him checking up on me.  Those are the things that are hard to keep on.

I have this internal battle that goes on.  I could easily stop doing some of those things and he’d be none the wiser.  The question to ask here is why I would do that?  I’ve asked for this life so why on Earth would I not follow through?  Well.. I get attention.. why else?  I’m not getting the positive attention I crave and that’s not for lack of want- he just doesn’t have the energy for it right now.  But the good slave in me would never dream of adding additional stress to my Owner’s world.  It’s not my job… my job is to make his life easier.  By not doing my job.. it makes him have to use up energy on negative things.. to put his slave back in her place.  Being a grown woman.. I shouldn’t need that.. and I shouldn’t need to act out to get what I need.  Rationally I know all this.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  I know me… and I know that if I were to neglect my rules or duties… I would have to admit that to Ben.  The thought of disappointing him that way and making him waste energy on that makes me feel terrible.  Damn integrity.

Oh what a struggle!  I miss his dominance.. so much.  I miss that all encompassing feeling of being owned.  I realize that I can’t always feel that… that life gets in the way sometimes.   It doesn’t mean that it’s easy to deal with.. because it’s not.  We’re making the best of it and trying to make time for us.  I know personally I am looking forward to our upcoming vacation.  It will be nice for neither of us to have to work and be a good time to reconnect.  In the mean time I am trying really hard to be a good slave and put myself on autopilot.  This wont last forever.. and I just have to remember that.  I hope that I can continue to make the right choices and not give into the allure of negative attention.  That will not make either of us happy.