Things have been pretty busy around our place this month.  It seems like the holidays are always like this.. never enough time to do anything.  It didn’t help that in this mix was thrown the death of Ben’s Mother.  So it seems like we have been scrambling to get everything done.   It’s been far too long since I’ve posted… I just honestly haven’t had the time.  I was excused from my posting till I could get a moment to do it in.

In this time.. some things have transpired for Ben.  He had been talking with this girl for some time.. and some strong feelings had grown between the two of them.  She had a few hang ups and it was causing the budding relationship not to move forward.  For me, I was anxious for him… wanting him so badly to have what I share with Issac.  I would occasionally ask if things were moving in the right direction but it always seemed it was stagnent.  She always wanted to get to know him better… there was always something going on with her.

To me… it seemed weird.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to make time for something good in your life… to have someone to lean on through the rough times.  Maybe I’m different, I don’t know.  What I do know is just tried to be supportive and understanding.  I was growing impatient for him though… and I think at times he was seriously growing tired of it as well.  He had invested a lot of time and effort into this girl.  They have known each other for over a year… and have been working towards a relationship since before I met Issac… so over three months.

So when we went to North Dakota and came home… things in our lives settled back into our normal routine.  We’d been home for a week when she told him that she had realized that she would never be his number one.  She didn’t know if that was what she wanted or needed out of her life.  She complained that she had never been anyone’s number one.  To me it seemed like an excuse…. but if it’s not.. that is fine.  I was very angry though… because to me… it felt like she had used him as an emotional crutch.  He was someone that filled her time… that would dote upon her.. give her attention and be there when she was down.  He filled the boyfriend role without actually getting the perks of being the boyfriend.  If it was true that she needed more than to be someone’s someone special… I am fairly certain she has always known that.  It makes me very upset that she led him on.  All this time, wasted.  He deserves better.

We didn’t talk about it much.. we were both at work when he showed me this.  I was pissed.  I fumed all day.. and into the evening as I was getting ready for playtime.  He wanted to go on like nothing had happened.. and in my eyes.. I didn’t see how that was possible.  How could he not be angry?  How could he go on… business as usual?  My mind was spinning… and I was trying to make sense of it… to reach out to him.. to protect him.  I kept thinking to myself she was lucky I am not a crazy person… because wanted to tell her just what I thought of her.  I didn’t- but I wanted to.

When he got home… the night spiraled out of control.  Somehow we started talking about what had happened.  He had decided he was going to still talk to her and be her friend, which I thought and still do think is a terrible idea.  How can wounds heal that way?  I don’t think they can.. but that is just my thoughts.  There were tears on both our parts.  I was still so angry for him.  I felt this intense wave over me that just screamed that I needed to protect him.  It was kind of surreal.  Who knew I’d have that sort of reaction? I certainly think its a good one.  He seemed to think so too… just by the look on his face as I poured my heart out about how I felt.

He told me he really liked her.. and I just wanted to make it all better for him.  He also said he missed his Mom.  Too much all at once… I could feel the weight on his shoulders… and I wanted to lighten the load.  I didn’t know how to.. but to hold him… be there for him.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  Sometimes we just have to work these emotions out for ourselves.

The whole night there was a dark cloud over us.  It had ruined playtime for us.  It was another reason for me to be angry with her.  Yes, she has a right to bow out of this… she has a right for it not to be the thing for her, but she could have done it sooner… before he was so emotionally involved.   I know women… and I know how they think.. she knew.  She knew that this wasn’t going to work for her.  And it’s bullshit.   But you know, it is her loss.  She will not find a man very easily that will be as committed, patient, and caring as he was to her.  She never deserved him.

 

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