Tag Archive: Ashley


meeting Issac

When Ben and I started the journey into our open marriage… I had no idea what would await me.  There really was no way of telling what was out there.. what there was to experience.  I did know that I wanted to experience everything that life has to offer… and I wanted to do that with Ben next to me.  Admittedly.. our first experience with being open wasn’t the best it could be.  It ended rather horribly.. so much so we retracted into each other because it was what we needed to do at the time to make things better.

It would take many months for us to try again.  Our original attempt was far fetched in retrospect.  It’s hard enough to make a solid connection with one person, much less two.  I knew that us finding a girlfriend together was futile, and honestly not something I really wanted anymore.  My desires had changed.  I think Ashley made me realize that I like to play with women.. but most certainly don’t like dating them.  It’s just not for me.  And so for that I am thankful I learned that.

So when we decided to take a stab at this again, in a different way… we knew it would be separately.  In the beginning of this go round.. I put up an ad on a major BDSM dating site.  I knew that being with someone vanilla wasn’t an option for me.  Vanilla sex just doesn’t do it for me.. I need that extra edge… and I need someone that’s comfortable with not being the norm.  This was something I had to have.

My criteria was simple.  Someone that was respectful of my marriage, that makes me laugh, that could interact with me every day, could see me once a week, and wasn’t looking for a D/s relationship.  Well maybe that’s not so simple?  I don’t know.  My first two days I was bombarded with so many messages from people ranging from 21 to 61.  A good deal of them either didn’t read my ad or were just too dumb to talk to.  Though there were a few decent ones sprinkled in there.  I would eventually change my ad to put in an age range because lets get realistic here people, I’m 29 and have no interest in a 61 year old man.  Sorry.

I went out on two dates as a result and where as I had fun, I knew there wasn’t anything there to pursue.   And then.. out of the blue, I get this incredible message from this man.  He had such a way with words.. and I was instantly struck by it.  I was speechless to be honest, and that doesn’t happen often.  Next to never.  The only problem was… he was out of my age range by two years.  Suddenly, that didn’t matter at all to me.  I had to know this person.. I could just feel it.  I responded immediately.

We would share messages back and forth for several days… and I was taken by him and his words immediately.  We exchanged phone numbers to text one another less than a week later.  We actually talked on the phone less than a week after the initial contact.  We had this instant connection that was just.. yeah… it was intense… and awesome.  Lots of adjectives.  Time flew with him on the phone.  (Did I mention he is English and has the most wonderful accent? Yes… I love it.).

It wasn’t long before we made plans to meet.  I was pretty attached already… we talked everyday (in fact we’ve talked every day since we met).  For the first time, I was nervous about meeting him.  I didn’t want it to change and the reality is that sometimes its not the same in person.  I had something to lose here.  He knew how nervous I was… as we talk about most everything and don’t hold back.  It’s refreshing.

So the day came we’d meet.. and since we live 2 1/2 hours apart we agreed to meet in the middle.  I got there before him.. and had time to start panic.  I was so scared.  As soon as I saw him though.. and he hugged me.. it was all gone.  There he was.. right in front of me.. and it was exactly the same as it was.  I was so relieved.  We spent nine hours together the first day before we had to go home because we both worked the next day.  It was so hard to leave… for both of us.  I didn’t have a question in my mind that I wanted him in my life.

And so that was the beginning of what has become something special and wonderful with Issac.  He’s become so much a part of my life it’s crazy.  I didn’t know I could be so lucky to find two men that make me feel so intensely… that treat me wonderfully… that.. yeah.  I don’t have words for what I have.  I know it wont always be easy… it won’t always be perfect… but damn.  I am so very happy.  Happy, that’s an understatement.  I am one lucky woman.  Hell yes I am.

It makes me feel a bit selfish at times… that there are people in this world that are single and looking for someone to love them.. and here I have two.  I didn’t know it was possible to love two people so intensely.  No idea at all.  Like I said, I had no idea what I was going to get when we started.  I am so pleasantly surprised.  Sometimes I want to pinch myself because there is no way this isn’t a dream.  I am constantly surprised at what we as people are capable of feeling and doing.  It’s amazing.

2010.. what a year!  Every new year brings something new and unexpected… little did I or Ben know what lay in store when January 1st rolled over. I had taken my hiatus from blogging at the end of 2009… and didn’t actually start blogging again on this girl’s life until around February.. wait no, March.

The beginning of the year brought nipple piercings.  The first of many things that happened this year I never thought would. I hadn’t ever really had an inclination of wanting them. It didn’t take long before the seed Ben planted grew into a vision of something I wanted as well.  I liked the idea of getting piercings for him… it meant a lot to me to get them for him even if by the time I got them, it was for me as well.

April came… which brought our wedding anniversary. We stayed a weekend in Seattle to celebrate and had a wonderful time.  I love making our anniversaries special.. a way of reliving the day we married in different and special ways. It’s weird how I feel as Ben and I have always been together… and yet only three years of marriage had passed this year.  Though I know many people are like.. yeah… its been a lifetime in a bad way… I say this in such a good way. My life with Ben… its just so wonderful to me (pardon me as this will be another sappy post about how devoted I feel… how happy he makes me). I feel fortunate that we found each other.

May passed which brought mine and my daughters birthdays. It was a busy month… as it always is.  We had a birthday weekend celebration. Saturday kicked it off…. we had our friends over (a couple). We started out with dinner out then headed back to our place. There was booze… there was a board game (that was kind of lame)… and there was our first play session outside of just Ben and I. There wasn’t a whole lot of interaction between the two couples. We watched as our other guy friend topped his girlfriend. It was weird watching that… I had this weird sort sympathy for her.  It was a slow start to what would be our venture into a different life.

After they left… Ben and I continued drinking. I got so drunk that night. We were up till five am… me refilling his glass… and sucking his cock as he watched porn.  I felt so submissive to him that night… and little did I know that in a mere month I would give my will over to him.  That I would surrender my being to his will. It was an amazing night to say the least… I remember it well.   Sunday was spent being hungover.. though we managed to go out to dinner that night.  Monday was my actual birthday. Over all… the weekend was a success… leaving me a year older…. and running fast to a whirl wind that was about to be our life.

June rounded the corner… a date that will be something we will celebrate… for the rest of our lives.  Just as important as our wedding date.  I remember the afternoon well… the day I brought up ownership. I remember being on the couch… feeling that overwhelming submissive feeling again. It engulfed my every being from my head to my mind.  He said he’d never thought about it.. but we’d explore the possibility. On June 13th… we decided… I was his.. and there was no looking back. I have not regretted it one day since.. and I imagine I never will.

August brought vacation with the kids… and back to school. I always look forward to both. We did a variety of things for vacation this year…. but I think they were all enjoyable. Kids had a good time and that’s always important. Our washer broke down during that week… and I have a great memory of Ben and I wringing out wet towels in our driveway… laughing about how ghetto it was.  Its the little things we remember isn’t it?By the end of the month my oldest daughter went into middle school.. and I realized… I’m really not getting younger… and neither are they. Before I know it… our home will be empty and they’ll be off doing their own thing.  Changes… flashing by at crazy rate.

In September.. we had been already sticking our toe into extra relationships. By the middle of the month we had met Ashley… and made her an official part of our relationship. We had so much hope for this relationship… hopes that were never realized as by the middle of November… it was over. Such potential… completely shot out of the water.

October brought my youngest daughter’s birthday and Halloween. Another busy and stressful month. It was the beginning of a busy three month stretch of holidays.  We had a great Halloween party that was the best one we’d ever thrown.  Its strange telling all the people you know that the girl with us.. was indeed our girlfriend.. would’ve ever thought? Hopefully one day… we’ll be able to have someone else special to introduce to our friends.

Thanksgiving came and passed as did Christmas.. and now we find ourselves on the new year’s door step. I cannot believe all that has transpired this year. It has been a good year I think. I feel like we have grown so much in our relationship… as individuals. I look forward to what 2011 holds for us. What adventures and trials we will face. I look forward to growing in my submission to my Owner. There is so much I still have to learn… I know I’ll never stop learning. Whatever it brings… I will be by the side of Ben…. striving to make him happy.. to please him.   If I can do that… then I can do anything… survive anything.. all because I am his… and he loves me.  What more could I ask for?

another chronicle finished

After much thought… much discussion… much guilt, we’ve decided to walk away from our relationship with Ashley.

I think that we’ve been on this road to breaking up for some time now. It makes me sad that it came to this… we had so much hope for this relationship in the beginning. But then again, who doesn’t have high hopes in the beginning? You find someone you click with.. enjoy their company… and you hope for the best.  It only goes one of two ways.. it works or it doesn’t.  In this case, it didn’t work.

I think the biggest reason it didn’t work for us is because I always felt so strongly about things. I didn’t feel like we were connecting in a way that forms a bond. For me that are very important. Just as her giving her all… which she wasn’t doing. She was only taking.. and not considering anyone else’s feelings. I can only give so much before I hit my limit and say enough is enough. I tried to hold out… to wait for it to get better but the fact is as time passed… the more unhappy I was about it.

The proverbial straw for me was this past weekend. We hadn’t seen her in like three weeks…  and she had said she wanted to see us before her surgery this week. (She’s getting her tonsils removed).   Anyways, we said she could come down Friday and Saturday night. Friday rolled around and we had headed down to Portland to do some shopping. We braved the crowds and got some pretty good deals… it was a nice day out. Throughout the day Ben had talked to her.. she had been sleeping all day… she said she wasn’t feeling well and that they had went out at midnight to do their shopping.  By the time we were done with our shopping she had decided not to come. We offered for her to at least come have a quick dinner out with us but she declined.

As Saturday rolled around… I kind of hoped she would be sick again… as I really didn’t want her to come to visit. When I found out that she was indeed coming… I was really bummed. My whole demeanor changed. The idea of her being in our house that night.. in our bed.. didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t want to give up my night for her to be there. I really just didn’t want to see her at all.  I told Ben how I felt… and so he told Ashley that maybe she shouldn’t come down, that we had some stuff we needed to figure out. Of course she panicked… and texted me asking if everything was okay. She only seems to text me when something is wrong or she wanted to rattle off about whats going on in her life.

I did my best to settle her fears… but I don’t think it worked very well. That night he and I spent together just relaxing and deciding what we needed to do. Obviously we couldn’t keep going in the manner we had. If I wasn’t happy and it wasn’t working for me… then he said it wasn’t working for him.  We both didn’t know what to say or do… we both dreaded what needed to be done. The only option here was to end it. It was a disservice to us all to continue if its broken. I honestly don’t think we could have recovered the damage that had happened to our relationship as a trio.  What is more important is that I no longer wanted to recover.

The decision was made… and the guilt set in. We never wanted to hurt her… and we knew this would. Sunday morning Ben texted her saying we wanted to meet up with her after we both got off work. We didn’t want to break up with her over a text.. she deserved better than that. We are better than that.  She knew something was up.. and was trying everything she could to find out what was going on. She was texting us both… but we stuck to our guns.. we were going to do this in person.

All day we dreaded it… breaking up is hard no matter what. I don’t like hurting anyone either… and so this wasn’t going to be a fun task by any means. We drove to meet her for coffee.. talking about our decision… about what led us to it. We reassured each other that this was for the best.. and the right thing to do. Just because we felt guilty and wished it had turned out different wasn’t a good reason to change our minds.   That would only put off the inevitable.  When we arrived… the coffee shop was closed for the night.. and she wasn’t there. We hoped she had decided to stand us up.. only she didn’t.  That would have been too easy.

It was cold outside… we stood facing her… I’m sure the guilt was plastered all over our faces. Ben went first… saying that this wasn’t working. From there… I joined in and talked to her. Ashley fought off tears… obviously not wanting to show us how we’d hurt her. We stood there for over a hour. There was a range of emotion from hurt to angry. There was tears… there were hugs she didn’t want at first… but melted into as her will to push us away disappeared. I hadn’t wanted to air all my feelings about her… as I knew some of them would not be received well… but that went out the window.

I told her everything… how I felt… what my opinion of some of the stuff that had happened and she did was.  Some of it made her feel bad… not realizing how deeply it had affected me…. others made her very angry.  I did my best to try to not be mean… I didn’t want to be a bitch… I fear that I failed in some instances.  I made sure to tell her we cared about her… that I like who she is… etc. I didn’t want it to be a thing where we were ganging up on her…. that wasn’t the case. No matter how much you like someone… that doesn’t mean you can make a relationship with them work… and this is what that was about.  It wasn’t working out.

At some point we got to where there was nothing else to say… it all had been said… had been shared.  All that was left… was to walk away.  I felt so terrible… as did Ben.  We hugged her… a hug that lingered… part of me almost sure we would never see her again.  I wanted to kiss her cheek.. to tell her it was all going to be okay.. and this was what was best for us all. I didn’t though. It didn’t need to be said… as it wouldn’t have changed the fact that we were leaving her there… in her car… alone.

We pulled out of the parking lot.. feeling like assholes. I felt good that I had said everything that was on my mind… but not that I had hurt her in doing so…. that I had hurt her in taking away something she said was the best thing that’s come into her life. It makes me sad for her… for us that it came to this… that we couldn’t coexist better. In the end… you can’t ask what if… you can’t rethink what you did… it is what it is… it happened. Now all that is left is to move forward. I hope that she’s got something positive out of this mess. I hope that she goes on and meets someone that treats her well.. and she grows as a person. I only want good things for her. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Ben and I have no plans to seek out another any time soon. We may even only seek out a play partner in the future. All I know is for now… we’re going to just move on… together. If something comes along, awesome.. if not… we always have each other. In that thought… we are so lucky.  He’s all that I need…. everything else is just icing relationship wise. I’m not sure if I learned anything from this… at least, I haven’t noticed it yet.  I think time will tell on that front.

So that’s the end of that part of our lives. My only regret is that it wasn’t better.. that it didn’t turn out like we had all hoped. I feel good knowing I gave it my all.

weathering the storm

Two weeks ago… my issue with Ashley came to a head. I can’t remember how it actually came about… but we finally talked to each other. She admitted that she is intimidated by me. I can’t really see it.. but who really can see such things about themselves? She says I come off so cool and collected… that I know what I want.. and have my life figured out. I make her feel like a giggly little girl.

I told her the only way to get around that is if we talk more and such. How do you get rid of a leg cramp? You walk it off. And so I told her I thought we should text each other every day no matter what. Keeping the lines of communication open will make her feelings of nervousness go away sooner or later.

This seemed to work well… and by the time she came over and spent two nights with us on Halloween weekend… we seemed to have found a new comfort with each other. We had a great weekend together including an awesome Halloween party. It was a good time… and I was glad she got to spend some extra time with us.

We planned on her staying two nights again this past weekend when my kids decided they wanted to stay the night with Grandma and Papa after they went to their Dad’s. This sounded good to me… we’d get our time in with Ashley and still leave a night for he and I to play. We hadn’t played in almost two weeks and I was anxious. Having her over two nights the previous weekend had kept me from getting my needs met. I seem to be doing that lot lately… giving up stuff to allow her to be in our life. I don’t mind it… she’s a great girl… and its worth it… when she’s being herself.

As Friday morning rolled around, I had big plans for that night for Ashley. This weekend would be all about her… it was going to be a lot of fun for everyone. Only as Friday arrived, my ex had texted me saying that he got mugged and his bike stolen so he wouldn’t be able to take the kids. Ben and I discussed what we should do.  I called my parents and explained what was going on and asked if the girls could stay with them Friday and Saturday since they hadn’t seen them a lot lately. Dad said sure and I told him I’d be there to get them on Sunday.

With that solved we had an issue… do we tell Ashley what happened and ask her to change plans to only one night? Do we tell her to come over later on Friday night so Ben and I can get our play taken care of? Do we just stick with the original plan of two nights? In the end I told him that it’s not her fault that she shouldn’t be punished… and with that… I was giving up yet another weekend where we wouldn’t get our play time. I was feeling the toll of it… and feeling a bit emotional about it all. I sucked it up though… and focused on the fun we’d still have.

That night went off without a hitch. We had sensation night where we used all sorts of things on her.. teasing her… candles, marbles, massage oil, gloves, and so on. It was a lot of fun showing her something she’d never done before. It ended with her getting a good beating from Ben… but no sex. We all went to bed in good spirits.

The next day I got off early and so she and I went grocery shopping. When Ben got home, we went to dinner and spent a nice time out just talking and being together. Back at home I was starting to feel very crampy… I knew that Ben had promised Ashley sex that night.. and I wasn’t going to take that away. So when we went to bed and he initiated things… I really wasn’t into it. I tried to be.. but I just couldn’t get there. I told Ben he could still carry on while she was in the bathroom but I guess he felt weird about it. He made her cum… and we all went to sleep.

The next day after breakfast, Ashley headed home and I was left to spend a day on the couch watching movies and relaxing while Ben was at work. What I didn’t know is that Ashley was super pissed that she didn’t get sex. She had told Ben that I get him all the time and if she wanted sex.. then she should get it… that she should get one on one time. This, of course, did not set right with me. We have always spent so much energy and time making her feel special.  I know I personally go out of my to make sure her needs are taken care of. I was not happy about this.

By Monday morning when she blogged about it… I was furious. Who does she think she is? Her needs are not more important than the group. Yes, it sucks she didn’t get sex… but her not getting that doesn’t come in front of how others feel.  She would have been pissed the positions had been reversed. I mean, there have been two times that come to mind that I didn’t get sex because she was there… and I didn’t go about throwing a tantrum.

I texted her. I told her I respected her feelings. I also told her about all that I give up for her to be with us… I told her that the weekend was all about her… and yes she didn’t get sex but she did get to cum and there was a lot of intimacy. Yes, plans were made.. promises made.. but life got in the way… and it happens. We spent the better part of the morning texting back and forth until she decided she didn’t know what else to say. A little after she was done with me… she was texting with Ben.

It was obvious she was trying to push us away… that she’d always been treated badly, so why would we be any different. The whole thing was a crazy. I couldn’t believe she was making so much out of not having sex. I can see her being bummed but she was blowing it way out of proportion. Every time she has a issue she then brings in… well I don’t know what I am to you guys and what you want from me. Over and over we tell her the same thing… a relationship.. bumps and all. Not just sex… not just companionship… the whole deal. And she just doesn’t get it.. or at least, won’t let herself understand it. We pointed out it sounded more and more like she just wanted sex… and that was not what we had signed up for. We’ve always been upfront and honest with her about how we feel and what we want.

By the time I got home at 3:00 pm… both Ben and I were exhausted. We were emotionally worn out. It seems like every couple weeks something flairs up and its a big drama. And let me tell you… I hate drama. I don’t need or want that in our life. I just don’t know. I care about Ashley a lot and like having her in our lives.. it’s just so much work. She seems so griped with fear… with a lack of self esteem… that I’m not sure she knows what a healthy relationship looks like. I don’t know if we can be what she needs. I do hope that we are… but I don’t know how many times we have to go through this before we have to make some decisions. I truly don’t want it to come to that but I like having a smooth, happy life.

As we stand.. she’s apologized for making such a big deal of things. We’ve told her that we want her to open and communicate with us with pushing us away and creating another big thing like this again.  I’m trying to move forward from it. It was a difficult day Monday… but of us were just at wits end. I know no matter what happens though… Ben and I have each others backs… that I have my best friend no matter what. If that’s all we end up with… we are still very lucky to have one another.

I always knew adding someone into the mix of things would be difficult… but I don’t think I anticipated this. In fact, I know I didn’t. Relationships are complicated enough… but then we had to go and throw a whole different person in the mix. Specifically one with some skeletons in her closet. There are bound to be bumps in the road…. I just can’t handle mountains being in our path. Maybe I’m just so used to how well Ben and I communicate and interact with one another that I’m not used to dysfunction anymore.

Sigh.. I dunno. I just want things to go smoothly. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. Or maybe it is.

time enough for…

Sometimes I think the world passes me by. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I’m standing still… while the crowd passes me by.  This week is/has been a very busy week. I’m putting the final touches on my youngest daughter’s birthday party. It’s consuming a lot of my time as my kids’ parties always do.

I’m struggling to find time for everything. I’m struggling to find Ben and I time… and struggling to find Ben, Ashley, and I time. We see her like once a week as it is. When the kids go to their Dad’s we make plans. This week, however, there isn’t going to be an opportunity.

Friday is filled with a BBQ at a friend’s house in honor of my niece who is home on leave from the Navy. She’ll be leaving us on the 23rd for Japan and we won’t be seeing her again till next summer. So that is certainly a priority as I adore my niece and have missed her. Saturday I work and then the niece and her fiance will be over for dinner, darts, and to help finish up the final touches on the birthday party. She loves helping me… and it’s a fun thing for us to do together.  Then Sunday will be an early start to get everything put together by 2:00 when the party starts. So yeah, a busy weekend which is always nice but there is something to be said about having lazy time. I’m certainly glad that every weekend isn’t like this.

So this is the struggle comes in. This leaves no play time (which the weekend always is for us unless something comes up) for Ben and I. I didn’t get any play time last weekend as I gave it over to Ashley. In her blog she had talked about how she could handle more than Ben was giving her.. and I suggested to him that he push her a little. See were her stopping point was. I always enjoy a good pushing session… its cleansing for the soul.  And so when she came over he pushed her… and I watched. For the record.. I was okay with that. It was interesting watching him top someone else. To be able to just sit and be the audience for once was a very different experience for me. It was fun.

Ashley came over again on Saturday as she was feeling down because she had a fight with her friend. So we took care of her.. had dinner.. watched a movie. It was nice just being together time. However, this didn’t lend itself to any “beat Sierra” time. We did have amazing sex before… but a good beating session is always something I crave. I have a difficult time when I go more than a week without one. I think the weekend before I had one.. so we are going on two weeks now. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot… but for me…. it is.

And so knowing that it wont happen this weekend… and it’ll be till next weekend isn’t a fun thought. I find myself feeling unbalanced I guess you could say. Our play sessions always keep me centered and reminds me of my place. I get anxious and I guess sort of bratty when I go without. I try not to get that way… I really do, it just doesn’t always work. These are the times I get myself in trouble… where I push too hard when I think I’m being playful. It’s easy to realize this outside of the action (like now) but when I’m in the heat of it… I forget myself and push headstrong into the situation.  I guess you could say that since you know this about yourself… then you should be able to fix it. Well sure. Easier said than done. I don’t go into a situation trying to get in trouble or annoy Ben. I don’t realize what I’m doing till it’s too late.

So that’s where I’m at. It’s all a balancing act for us. Trying to find the right ratio of time for everything.  I don’t regret having to give up one on one time with Ben sometimes.. but I guess its disheartening in moments like this. Time alone with him is so important to me, not only just bonding as a couple but keeping our power dynamic in check emotionally and physically.  In a couple weeks this will blow over and it’ll just be a thing of the past.. and I say yay to that. Though, the holidays are looming off in the near future… and that’s a whole new can of worms. First things first.

So for now, I’ll just keep plugging away and take advantage of the little moments we have together… life is just a series of moments really… chained together. It’s what one makes of those moments that defines your life. My life is pretty awesome as a whole. There’s not much I could ask for… and for that… I am a very lucky girl… even if I have moments of longing.  After all, I’m just human.

 

let’s talk

Communication, its key to every relationship… be it friendships, parent/child, work, or romantic. You would think it would be second nature but in fact it’s not. Talking should be the easiest thing next to breathing, and yet its one of the hardest things to do. Sure when its an easy subject the words flow like a river but when the topic is difficult, well… it is much harder to actually open up. It takes courage to talk about the tough stuff.

I think that Ben and I communicate well… we have avoided many an argument by talking things out instead of blowing up.  But just like anyone else… we have our moments where we become complacent.. where taking the time to sit and just talk with one another takes a back seat to all the other things going on in our life. Fortunately we always find our way back without much trouble.

Ben and I had one of those nights last night. We spent the early part of the night laying in bed and enjoying some much needed alone time. It was nice to reconnect in such a physical way where it wasn’t rushed or some intense play session…. it was just us, taking pleasure in each other. After we headed to dinner and just relaxed for the night. When we headed to bed.. we laid there talking. Like really talked… about everything going on. The past few weeks have been such a big change for us. Its been fun but also challenging in some ways.  I have my good days and bad days processing it… wrapping my brain around it and the last two days had been bad ones.

I tried to explain to him the way my brain was working… and wished that I could give him access to my head so he could experience it the way I was living it. Words where escaping me… it was just a jumbled mass in there and so conveying to him accurately wasn’t very easy. I know going into this.. I didn’t expect our relationship with Ashley to be the way it is. It’s just different. When asked how I expected it to be… I couldn’t come up with an answer. I guess there are just hurdles that I hadn’t anticipated. I think when you add someone new to a relationship that is going be there for some time, it’s easy to become complacent with one another. It’s like the new toy a kid gets… and his old favorite one sits on the shelf, waiting for the boy to return and play with it when the newness wears off. Now that is an extreme example… I am not being pushed aside awaiting for attention from my husband, but there has been trouble balancing.  It’s human nature… and something he didn’t realize till I pointed out. Yet another reason why talking to each other is the most important thing.  He can’t read my mind.

I think what I’ve come to realize is that the idea of sharing Ben with someone else is something I’m okay with. I like sharing him sexually… mostly because I like him to be satisfied and happy and if I can help be a part of that, I’m a happy girl. Sexually it’s totally exciting and I don’t have any ill will about it. I also figured out that I’m okay with him caring about someone else… and someone else being important to him. However, I think the idea of him loving anyone else romantically is very difficult. I don’t think I could handle that. That is a real possibility when you invite another person into your relationship on a regular basis. He says he doesn’t think he could ever love another person… but I rebutted that you can’t say never. You just never know what the future holds. Had you asked us three years ago we’d be doing what we’re doing, I would have said never in a million years. It just proves that anything is possible. I told him that as much as I hated the idea… and how much it would break my heart that if he ever loved someone else I needed for him to tell me. Of course he assured me that what we have is so very special… our bond is something all on its own… and this… I agree with. I don’t feel threatened… I’m not afraid of anyone stealing him away. As long as we keep working at our relationship and choose to be each others most important person, then we will always be fine.

We talked more about that and some other stuff… joked a bit… laying close to each other… hands on each other.  We talked over a hour… well into the night.. yawning some… laughing… and connecting.  He always has a way of making me feel so special… so safe. I came out of our talking feeling good. It was a much needed talk to settle some ruffled feathers… that are most likely hormone induced. Hormones always seem to make me think more than I need to.. and read more into things than really exists. Being a woman sucks sometimes.

Most important… we have a strong relationship… built on love, trust, and communication. We plan on spending our lives together.. growing old next to one another… experiencing what life throws at us… together. With each other.. we can do anything. Just have to remember that we need to confide in each other… and be each others shoulders. Sometimes that’s easy to forget.

coffee night for the girls

Friday night was my coffee date with Ashley. She picked me up at the house and we made our way to Starbucks. She had asked me earlier in the day if I wanted her to pick me up or meet her there and I told her I didn’t care either way. She said she’d pick me up because she was old fashioned. I teased her telling her, “says the girl who is going on a date with another girl”. We both got a good giggle out of it.

We chatted all the way there and walked idly into the coffee shop. As I walked in, someone I knew was there… a nice guy but not really aware of when to be quiet and remove himself from the conversation. I introduced them both.. and talked to him a few minutes. He had ordered his coffee and paid for ours as well apparently. It was very nice.

Once we ended that interaction we eyed the layout trying to find a place to sit that was away from everyone. We had hoped to get the cove by the door… she had thoughts of cuddling close together and talking to one another. This wasn’t going to happen. There was a guy with his computer firmly planted there. So I picked a two person table and settled down.

Our conversation was fluid.. it came very easily. We talked about old relationships, being teenagers, traveling, Ben, and so on. In my mind I wondered if she wanted me to hold her hand… I wasn’t really sure what to do. So I just sat there and talked… it just seemed like the best choice.  Honestly, I felt a little weird making such advances without Ben there. Before we knew it, almost two hours had passed. I was pretty hungry by then and asked her if she was ready to grab some food. When she agreed, I called Ben and asked him to join us.

We both headed over to the pizza place I had chose. On the way in the door I snapped a picture of us and sent it to Ben… he responded with “beautiful girls”. Inside we got in line.. it was pretty busy. We were still waiting when he walked up behind us.  I kissed him hello then came up to the counter and ordered our food. Ben took off and found us a table. She and I made our way over to the table as well and settled down… me next to her. I figured since I was on a date with her… its her I should sit next to.After dinner, Ben headed home and she and I piled back into her car to meet him there.

She left our house at 1:00 am…. we got very little sleep.

I had a really good time out with her actually. It was really nice to get time to just talk with her alone and form a sort of friendship just her and I.   The next day I felt so much better than the last time we had seen here. I didn’t feel that uneasiness I had felt before.  Going out alone with her really was just what I needed to feel good about the whole situation.

Ben and I had talked about what was going on and my feelings before she and I went out. I was feeling kind of left out in the sense she wasn’t really talking to me. Ben told me that Ashley doesn’t really text him first… and so that helped lay my worries to rest a bit. We had discussed me talking to her about my thoughts and feelings but after sleeping on that, I decided not to jump the gun. I didn’t want to cause issues where there really wasn’t any. Those feelings could really just all be in my head.

When we talked about this, I felt a lot better even just the next day. It was amazing just how communicating with Ben made things better. I know how important communicating is.. but this really drove this home for me.  Holding things in doesn’t do anyone any good. I’m really glad I didn’t say anything to her now.  It really would have been jumping the gun. I wouldn’t say I’m really excited about our blooming relationship but I am happy its evolving the way it is.

I really do like Ashley a lot. She’s a lot like we are. She shares a lot of our interests and fills in gaps in the ones that he and I don’t share. It’s a nice mix. We never run out of things to say and are really at ease around one another. I think the biggest thing that has been difficult for me is the change that has been taken place in our relationship.  It’s been an adjustment for me… for us to add someone else into the mix. I don’t regret it one bit and am happy we’re moving in this direction.  Most things new come without a few bumps.

So… I’d say the coffee date was successful.

girl friends

<— This, has never been me. I have never made friends with girls easily. Back when I was a kid and teenager I had chick friends… but that was always in a group of people that included guys… in which I was much better friends with.  Try as I might to cultivate female friends… they just were not that easy to come by. I can only really count two girls that I have been really good friends with… that I considered best friends. One of those betrayed me… several times… the other.. well she was terribly jealous of my relationship with Ben. She kind of faded away.

As time passed from being a kid so to speak… and I grew into an adult, I found that making friends was infinitely more difficult.  Even with that difficulty, I still formed platonic relationships with men so much easier. Part of me thinks my inability to bond with women stems back to my mother. I never really had a strong relationship wit her… we never really talked about anything. In fact, she and I haven’t even spoke in three years.  Though, even if that is not the reason it doesn’t change the facts.

So where am I going with this? Ben and I have been looking for a play partner and friend for some time. We’ve had a few false starts and things that didn’t get far. It was frustrating the say the least. We kept looking though… hoping to find what we were looking for but started to think the search was always going to be fruitless. Then Ben stumbled across Ashley. We felt we found the person we’d been looking for.

We didn’t spend much time emailing back and forth before we offered to meet up for drinks or coffee… not wanting to waste time if we didn’t hit it off like we hoped. We went out on a Saturday night to dinner and we chatted like we’d known each other for a while already. We closed the place down then found a local bar to grab some drinks. We got home really late that night and both had to be up early to go to work but it was worth it. We had a great time. We had even invited her to join us at a play party we planned on going to that following Thursday.

Between that Saturday and Thursday I texted her the two days following to chat and such. The first time we had a pretty good conversation.. the next day was short and sweet. Ben was having long and lengthy texts with her. By Wednesday night… I know I seemed like I wasn’t really looking forward to having her go with us. It wasn’t that. It was that I hadn’t really had any build up. I had not been able to talk with her and get excited about what could happen… so for me… it was just another night out. I knew it would be fun… but I was far from excited.  I felt ho hum about the same thing. It bothered me that I was being left out of getting to know her more. I didn’t feel threatened or mad… I was more bummed out about the whole thing.

We went out Thursday night.. had a fun time… and I posted about it the following day. She texted me that night to ask how she was sexually… and we texted back and forth a few times… but that was that. Ben and her texted just as much before.. discussing all that happened.

Yesterday after work she texted me saying she really would like to go out to coffee with me… for it to be sort of date like. I thought it was a good idea and agreed that as soon as I could we’d go out. I, of course, thought Ben had put her up to it. He and I talked a bit about it but he didn’t directly point her in that direction. That in itself is cool.

This is where my issue is. I know its hard to have equal treatment but that’s what I want. I want her to want to talk to me just as much as she talks to Ben. I don’t fee like she is a threat to our relationship… honestly, I don’t feel like she is that sort of person. She seems to have a lot of respect for our marriage and doesn’t want to overstep our boundaries. She even told Ben she felt like he was my territory and had to get my okay for things. I think that’s kind of funny since he owns me… not the other way around… but I see what she is getting at.

I think that my feelings about this is what is making me hold back and not really involving myself deeply into this whole thing. I want to form a friendship with her… after all… we had been looking for a girl friend of sorts. It makes me feel uncomfortable… like a third wheel somehow. I mean, maybe I’m being dramatic. It’s not terrible. I don’t feel wronged. I just don’t exactly feel a part of things either. It’s hard to describe.

I’m hoping that going out to coffee will help rectify some of this… that somehow I will feel better about all of this. She’s a great person.. funny and so much like we are. She’s an ideal match for us and I do want this to work out for all of us. I know we could have so much fun together. I hadn’t seen me feeling this way coming. I guess in a situation like this… you never really know what emotions will come.  I think the measure of things like this is how you manage them. Relationships of any sort are work at some point… building a bond is work sometimes too.

So. My husband topped and had sex with another woman and I’m still processing this.

I had a good time… he had a good time… apparently she had a good time… and yet my mind is still trying to get a grasp on it. I don’t feel jealous… but I’m not excited either.

I don’t know what to make of it all… no, I don’t regret it. I would do it again. We will do it again… I just want to get my thoughts in my head straight.   Ben asked if I was okay, and I am.

So here’s what I have so far.

Being with a woman again after four years was interesting. It wasn’t quite what I remembered it like… or maybe it was. Maybe I don’t really remember what it was like.

She stayed the night with us and didn’t leave till later in the afternoon. Now I didn’t mind her being here… but there came a point where I just wanted to be with him.  I wanted to be able to talk to him… to process last night and this morning together.  When she left… we didn’t really even talk about it.  I think that kind of bothers me. I know we’ll talk about it at some point… but I feel kind of reluctant now… especially since I’m trying to pin down my feelings on it.

It’s strange sharing a bed with two other people. It was fun, but I don’t think it is something I would want to do every night.

I think this experience made me realize at this point I wouldn’t want to share our home with another woman. I am special in this house… call me selfish but I like it being that way. I’m not saying I won’t ever want that… just right now.. I think baby steps are good.

I’m looking forward to reconnecting as husband and wife again without someone else in the mix. Our relationship is special to me obviously… and I like the focus of that importance. If that makes sense.

Seeing Ben get off with someone else… kind of surreal. Maybe that’s the one thing I am hung up on. Who knows. I’m sure I’ll be able to sort it all out.   In the moment it was fun and was nice to see him having a good time. Now, it kind of makes me sad… but that could be the selfish part of me wanting to be the source of his pleasure.

We humans are complicated, crazy beings. You never know how you’ll feel about something until you actually experience it. Putting it out there… seeing it on the screen makes me feel purged in a way.  Like I am not holding my thoughts in my head.. letting them circle around like a demon haunting me. It happened.. I don’t regret it. No one is the problem… I don’t really think there is a problem. I just need to process.