Tag Archive: punishment


Punished- 10

I think some times as people we become complacent.  Admittedly.. I have become that… complacent… in my position as Ben’s slave.  It wasn’t on purpose by any means… merely the product of a set of events that have been in  motion for over a month.  It started when we went on vacation… and then fell ill right after we got home.  It was hard to keep up all the things I needed to do… and Ben took pity on me.  It was what needed to happen… in order for him to properly take care of me.  A broken and sick slave does no one any good.  I needed to heal… and given time.

This is all fine and dandy… had I resumed the same mentality that proceeded our vacation.  Somewhere in this… I hadn’t forgotten I was his slave… I just… became lazy.  It was easier to let things that I am do to fall to the side.  He wasn’t paying attention it seemed… (though in hind sight… I’m sure he was) and so it must not be important, right?  Well obviously it is important.. or he wouldn’t have made it a rule or task.

As of late, I’ve been forgetting more and more about my plug then asking to make up the time the following day.  I’ve taken advantage of his generosity in this.  Did I do this on purpose? Maybe a little.  To be honest, wearing my Njoy everyday is a bit daunting.    Sometimes I down right hate doing it.  I see the purpose in it… it was proven to me on our vacation.  I didn’t take my plug (with permission) on our trip because it just wasn’t practical.  When we came home and ended up having anal sex… it hurt so much more than in it had in a very long time.  My Njoy helps the pain a lot… more than I had realized.  So not only does this make my Owner happy… but it serves a very good sexual purpose for us both.

Last night.. was no exception.  I have been so busy lately trying to get the kids ready for going back to school, photographing a wedding and now editing said pictures, working, on top of all my household duties… its been a bit much for me.  I’m exhausted everyday.  Yesterday I went back to zumba finally after like a month off.. I had missed it so.  I didn’t get home till 6:30 and then had to make dinner and such.  I finally sat down around 8 or 8:30.  Before I realized it I had lost my window to wear my plug for two hours.  I asked Ben to make up my time tomorrow… he replied “triple time tomorrow”.  I tried to object… I was shocked… pouty… and mad.  It wasn’t fair.  How was I going to fit in time for that?  I didn’t object long before I realized I wasn’t going to win… just shut up and deal with it.  No reason to make the situation worse.

By bed time.. I was kneeling.. waiting for him to allow me in bed.  And he brought it up.  How long had it been since I had done a blog post.  I knew I had went over… I had told him I was going to do one on Monday I believe.  I failed to do so.  I had actually thought about it after the plug fiasco, but honestly, I was so tired from all that I’ve been doing it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  In my head I put it off for the next day and forgot about it.  But here we were… I was being  called out for it.  I was wrong… I knew I was wrong.  But didn’t he understand?  I’ve had so much on my plate, surely he would understand.

This is where a relationship like ours isn’t fair.  It is up to me to make it work.. or bring it to him to help me sort it out so that I can successfully do all that I am required to do.  I didn’t do that… I didn’t do anything in fact.  He asked me how many days it had been… I couldn’t tell him exactly.  I didn’t know.   He pulled me up and bent me over the bed.  I was inwardly outraged but obediently took my punishment.  He added up the three days that I had lapsed and hit me those three times with the hanger.  It’s not often I cry from a punishment but I felt the tears well up in me… and spill out of my eyes.  He pulled me to him… and I didn’t want him to touch me.  I was actually angry with him.  I am never angry when he punishes me but repentant.  I didn’t think this was fair at all…. even if I knew it was earned.  (Did I mention he is sick?  Yeah… bad slave that misbehaves so that her Owner has to punish her while he feels like crap).

He told me to get into bed and I asked if I could go blow my nose.  He said okay and I disappeared. I shut the bathroom door behind me and cried silently.  I didn’t want him to know I was so angry at me… because that leaves me vulnerable.  If I hadn’t been mad, I think I would have responded differently.  For a split second… I was pissed that our relationship was this way… and I didn’t want it to be anymore.  This was just wrong.  And then… almost instantly I knew I would regret that.  It’s amazing the things that being upset will make you think.

After I composed myself I climbed into bed and laid down… saying nothing.  I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what was going on in my head… again… bad slave.  He turned off the light… and as always… can tell read me like a book.  He inquired.  I had to admit I was angry with him… and he explained why he had punished me further.

He brought up an incident that happened the other day.  I had came home and he was no where to be seen.. I called out for him.. waiting at the door for him.  He said he was in the bathroom and would be out in a second.  Instead of waiting.. I just took it upon myself to decided I didn’t need to wait for him.  He never said anything… but apparently it was noticed.

He told me that he felt I needed a reminder of my place… and in all honesty.. I think he was completely right.  Even if I agreed with him and saw his rationale of this… I was still mad.  It surprised me that I was so upset… so inwardly defiant… even if I was outwardly obedient.  I just couldn’t get past being upset with him… and so I went to sleep… unhappy.

I woke up this morning and planned for today to be a better day.  I had six hours of plug wearing ahead of me… and I didn’t want to have to wear it to zumba.  The only option was to take it work with him… and so I packed it in my bag to be inserted a little later.  I followed through.. sending Ben proof that I was indeed wearing it.  I got a “good girl” and went about my day.  I wasn’t angry anymore.  I knew where I had messed up… and totally understood why I was in trouble.  Has my punishment worked?  Well I did my plug time and wrote my blog post… so I guess it has.  I hope it continues to be that way cause I hate being on his shit list!

We just returned from vacation last night… and it was certainly a good one.  We visited the Redwood forest, the Oregon Caves, and Crater Lake in Oregon.  It was a whirlwind vacation… were were always on the go and packed in so much.  We had a whole lot of firsts which was really awesome to experience as a family.  The kids ranked this vacation as their second favorite… only bested by Disneyland.  Who’d have known a camping trip would rank so closely to the happiest place on Earth?  In any case, it makes me smile to know they had an amazing time.

If you read my last post… you will know how stressed and cranky I was going into this vacation.  Unfortunately, that didn’t fade with the 1,221 miles we traveled.  There were many instances I was a real pain in the ass.  I let my stress and my need to control things get in the way.  At home it’s easy.. things stay the same… they are predictable.   On vacation… nothing is predictable other than the things we planned to do and see.

Then there was Ben’s crankiness… which I feed off of.  Some how we kept getting each other wrong… I’d say something that he would hear the wrong way… and we’d end up snapping at each other.  It was a horrible feeling.  I felt like he just criticizing here and there… and it was wearing me thin.  Don’t get me wrong, we had a good time and lots of wonderful moments.. but I will always remember those moments where I wasn’t very slave-like… where I disrespected my Owner… and I have to say… I’m pretty ashamed of my actions.

The worst moment was when we were packing up camp… and I just lost it.  I was super cranky… and disrespectful.  I could see myself doing it.. and couldn’t stop myself.  I let it get the best of me.   There I was…. being scolded… being told to knock it off and I couldn’t shake that defiant feeling.  I couldn’t let go of my annoyance… my crankiness, try as I might.

I didn’t know what awaited me when I got home… I knew I had been way out of line.  I knew that he understood why I had behaved the way I had, but that didn’t excuse it… it was no reason.  I am his slave and he demands respect.  If I won’t give him that.. there is a price to pay.  Deep down I hoped that he would punish me.  I needed that correction… that guidance to get back on track.  After we unpacked and showered… by the time it was bed time I did my nightly devotion.  When he came to me, I was bowing before him and he talked to me… asking me stuff.. about my behavior on our trip.

He told me that I would be punished and then I would pleasure him after- not severely.. but punished nonetheless.  I knew I had it coming… and I still dreaded it.  I knew that meant I’d be spanked with the hanger… and I hate it.  I took it with grace though.  I had accepted the punishment before he even said anything about it… I knew I had earned it.

Once each blows were administered… I served my owner… and swallowed every last drop of his cum.  And like that, my sins were washed away.  We would move on from this point.  There is no need to dwell on it… but learn from my actions.  I can’t say it won’t happen again, but I certainly will try for it not to happen.  I like being his well behaved slave.. one he can count on to remember her place, not a bratty, unruly slave.  Now that we are home.. things will settle down and I can go back to being more like myself.  This is a good thing.

cranky girl

We are leaving to go camping today.  It’s been a stressful process getting everything put together and packed.  I haven’t been the most patient, nor well behaved slave.   I’ve been snappy… and irritable.  The pressure of getting it all done and making sure we have everything has gotten to me.  It makes me pretty unbearable to be around… and it’s down right embarrassing that a woman of my age would behave like that.  Sometimes I just let things get the best of me… and then I’m out of control.

Honestly, Ben has been a saint and put up with my grouchiness… heaven knows why.  I’m not sure why he hasn’t bent me over the bed and given me a sound spanking.  I know I need it… and I know I won’t be able to ask for it as the kids being home makes it hard to have spankings during the week.  I haven’t had a spanking in over a week.. and I can feel it in every inch of my body.

Over the weekend.. he worked too much and when we did have the opportunity to do so, we used it to reconnect after many days of not having much time together.  At the time, it was just what we needed… and I felt really good afterwards.  But now that I’m neck deep in vacation work… I feel the lack of a spanking eating away at me.  It’s making me a disrespectful brat to be honest.

Deep down I just want him to grab me by the hair and drag me to our room to tell me to knock my crap off.  He knows how stressed I am and I imagine that’s a big part of why he hasn’t.  I’m sure he thinks it would make matter worse, though I don’t think I agree with that.  I think I need his strong hand.. keeping me in line.  I feel poorly about my behavior… and will be apologizing to him later.  Though.. perhaps I should just pull my head out of my ass so that there is nothing to apologize for.

Vacations are supposed to relaxing but at the moment I feel frazzled.  I hope that once we are out and about I will chill out and enjoy it.   I’d hate to need a vacation from my vacation…. and I’d really hate to earn myself a punishment.  Though… I feel like I’ve already earned one.  This stubborn and cranky girl needs to be put in her place.  I’d hate to be my Owner right now!

One year collarversary!

One year ago today… I was collared by Ben.  What a ride it has been!  I have to say.. I don’t regret our choice for one second.  It has enriched our life ten fold and given me a peace that I didn’t expect.  Don’t get me wrong, I have struggled and assume I will continue to do so.  I think that’s a part of life, though.  Everyone struggles… it’s how we learn.

I think that it’s important in this life to seek out the things that complete you.. make you feel whole.  I don’t think just one thing or activity can provide that, but a network of things that fills this internal gap.  I’ve found my fillers… even if they were not found all at once.  My job is fulfilling… my kids make me proud and push me to grow as a person… and being his… well that’s something special all in itself.

I never thought that I could live as someone’s owned property.  The idea was so very foreign to me… and totally hard to understand.  I tried hard to wrap my head around the idea and understand the motivations behind making such a radical life choice.  It’s funny to me how much someone can change once you truly embrace and understand something.  What was once something that didn’t get at all became something I craved with great intensity.  I didn’t think of it every moment but it did become an idea that was in the front of my mind.

It would only take a moment of bravery to forever change the course of our marriage.  It took me telling him I wanted him to own me to bring about a difference.  The idea was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We entered into this new world with open hearts and hope to match.  The beginning saw growing pains and several punishments that took hold in my mind.  There was moments of strictness and other times filled with more slack.  Some where in there we found a good balance and still try to keep that precarious balance.

Has it been worth it?  Oh hell yes!  The feeling of being his is unlike any other.  I can’t describe what it’s like to be on my knees at his feet… looking up at him, seeing this intense love in his eyes… intense emotion… just in-tenseness.   It makes my heart soar… and my breath hitch in my chest.  I long for those moments and any struggle I have, those moments where we exist just as we should be are enough for me.   Luckily for us.. we have many moments that are special… that brings us together in our extraordinary connection.

And so… a year later.. we are going strong.  Still happy with the choice we’ve made.. looking forward to the many years that lay ahead of us.  I cannot imagine not being his slave for one moment anymore.  It wouldn’t feel right to either of us I’m sure.  I would’ve never guessed this would be my life.. but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

There’s stories… erotica… novels that share the life of BDSM… or Gor.  It talks about slave girls and boys… kept as sex toys.  They are trained to serve and used at any moment of the day.  They are punished severely when they don’t do as they are told… and this… this is hot.  This turns us on.

This fantasy holds a special place… it has it’s own purpose.  It can be created a brief period of time… but cannot be done every moment of each day.  People can’t be kept naked.. chained at home until they are pulled out to be used.  It would drive a person mad and will decrease the value of said slave or submissive.  A valuable one is multifaceted.

The fact of the matter that most slaves or submissives are workers… are family members… are parents.  They have more than role.. and so have to learn to juggle their devotion to their Dom and all the other things that are required of them.  I think without these things… the fantasy of being an owned sex slave only looses it’s luster.. because it becomes everyday life.

Being a slave  is certainly not always something that makes me wet.  It is a challenge at times…. trying at times.  Sometimes I just plain don’t want to be that… because it’s easier not to be.  It doesn’t change though… even when I want to be just a wife, I’m still his slave.  I look forward to the times he uses me… when we play, but the reality of our life is that a very small portion is like that.  Most of my day is spent working… then coming home to cook and clean… take care of the children, and somewhere in there find time for a little me time while I take care of Ben’s needs.  It’s a busy life. It sounds unrewarding, but the truth of it is… it’s very rewarding.  I love my life… my life as his slave.    It may not be a thing of erotica novels… but it’s something special to me.

the butterfly

As I was pulling into the driveway today.. I was reminded of something that happened either last spring or early summer of last year.  It was a rather unpleasant memory that wiggled it’s way in… something I have to say I’m ashamed to have been a part of.  It’s one of those things I question if I want to share, but I think it speaks volumes about the transformation our relationship dynamic has caused in me.

The motor had went out in the back driver’s side window of my car.  It had been broken for a  little bit and Ben had been taking his sweet time getting it fixed.  I don’t remember the specific events that led to this day… but for whatever reason my niece and I were out in the driveway… doing something to the window.  I was tired of driving my kids around in a car with a window that wouldn’t roll up or down.  Quite frankly it was embarrassing.  I mean after all.. all four of his windows worked in his car and so he had no idea what it was like to drive around with it like that.  I know I was probably being oversensitive about it… looking back it wasn’t as big of a deal as I would end up making out of it.

At some point the older gentleman from across the road came over.  He had retired from working on cars and offered to fix it for us.  I called Ben to tell him…. and he was less than enthusiastic about it.  He didn’t want an un-certified person working on my car.  I told him then he needed to get it fixed…. soon.. because I was tired of driving around like that.  I brought up that his windows all worked and so I felt like he kept forgetting the issue with my car.  It escalated really quick… something that is rare for us.  By the end of the phone call… I was utterly pissed off with him.  I don’t know where it came from… this irrational, angry emotion.  All I know is I was really upset and he wasn’t even seeing my side of this.  At some point I was just done and did something I never do… I hung up on him.

When he called back, I didn’t answer.  Yes, real mature.  I was angry and didn’t have anything else to say to him.  He tried again.. and maybe once more before I finally answered.  He scolded me… and then soothed my ruffled feathers.  I was still upset.. but much more calm.  I don’t know what came over me honestly.  It was a rare moment… as I don’t really remember behaving that poorly ever in our relationship.

Back to today… I was walking in the back door looking at the spot I had stood as I phoned him last year… and realized something.  I would never behave like that again.  I couldn’t fathom treating him that way now.  Not only would I be in some serious trouble… but I would also feel ashamed of my behavior immediately.  Before, I felt bad about it… but I still felt justified in being upset.  It makes me feel good knowing that the changes we have made has improved how I carry myself.  Ben deserves my respect.. he has earned it many times over.

It amazes me.  He amazes me.

I think life is a series of learning experiences…. learning what works and is right… and what’s not.  I do not have many moments where I think I’ve behaved in a horrendous way… but this was one of them.   What it taught me is that I don’t have to treat him that way…. there are better ways of getting what I want.  Treating him that way only made things worse because not only did my window still have to be fixed but then we had to talk out our issue from the fight we had.

If this had happened now… I would have thought better of it.  I probably would still be annoyed that I wasn’t getting what I needed, but it would have went down differently.  I would have just accepted that he was making the right decision about my car and be patient until he could remedy the situation.  If that’s the only thing we gained from having Ben lead our relationship… then that’s an amazing thing.  And that’s one of the many things that makes this so very rewarding.

Punished- 8

It’s been some time since I’ve been punished.  Ben and I both agree I’ve generally fallen into my place has his rather well…. but that doesn’t mean I won’t stumble.  No one is perfect.   So what happened?

This punishment was evolved over a couple days.  It started with Ben’s experiment (the theme of this week apparently).  I didn’t at all handle his challenge well at all.  I went in with a bad attitude and there was no way I was going to take that on and do well.  I pretty much shouldn’t have tried at all with the way I attacked it.  I always say I will serve my Owner to the best of my ability and that did not happen.  Not even close.

The more I thought about it.. the more disappointed I was in myself.  He deserved better effort on my part.  I don’t have to like everything he puts to me… I do, however, have to do it with a good attitude.  I didn’t have a good attitude.. I whined about it.. and was unhappy.. and pretty much all around not a good girl.  By the time we went to bed last night… I was sure I deserved a punishment.  My stomach flip flopped as it always do when I sell myself out.  I knew in my heart of hearts that Ben had moved on from it and that he probably wouldn’t be punishing me for this.  In my mind.. this was the worst infraction I’ve ever done.  It’s not like missing my water intake for the day… this was directly disrespecting him.  I felt terrible.  I knew I needed to pay my pound of flesh so to speak to make things better.  I find it really fascinating how much I beat myself up  over this kind of stuff.  I’ve wondered what punishment is worse… the physical one given by my Owner or my own mental self punishment.  I can’t decide.

He was feeling a bit frisky… I could tell… and so when he went to open up the window to cool the room down a bit… I crawled to the corner of the bed on my knees.  I put my head to his chest… my nerves working overtime… and asked him to punish me.  He asked me about how he punishes me.. and I told him.  I knew I wasn’t going to like it… I knew it would send me in a million different emotional directions.. but I knew it had to happen.  And so he told me to get up.  I went to the corner of the bed where he punishes me and bent over.

Ben kicked my feet apart till he was satisfied in their placement and then I felt the cold metal of the hanger lay against my skin.  I tried not to tense… and took a deep breath.  He swatted me once… and talk to me… and again…. and again… still talking.  I hadn’t bargained for this.. I thought I would get the two swats I normally would get for a first time infraction but that was not what was happening.  I so badly wanted it to be over but knew I needed this.. more than the two I expected.  Be careful what you ask for.

When it was over.. I can’t remember how many swats I got.  I’m sure it was less than ten.. but it still hurt.. a lot.  The sting felt like it diminished almost immediately, though I’m sure it was all in my head.  What took over was my shame I disappointed him… my need for his approval knowing things were okay and he wasn’t upset with me (or at least not for long)…. I kind of wanted to linger in the punishment mode as I feel like I had earned a big punishment.. and over all neediness.  It was a mass of emotions to say the least.  It always is.

He had me suck his cock after we got back in bed.  Once I had swallowed every last drop of his cum he turned off the light and opened the door… then told me it was time to go to sleep.   I laid there in silence afraid to speak or move….I wanted to be close to him.  I wanted to know it was going to be all right.  The strange thing is.. usually even when I’m in trouble… my body is turned on.  In this case, I was turned on but not in the way that I wanted to get off.  I was so focused on him and what was going on.. I didn’t even think about getting off.. not that I would have been able to anyways.

By the time we finally went to sleep he held me close to him in that reassuring way… not that you’ve been a really good girl way.  It was enough.  I knew I was in trouble.. but he still very much loved me and had moved on from the punishment.  And so we’ve moved forward after talking about last nights events.  I love sharing my inner workings with him… it makes me feel like the more he knows.. the more he can be in control of me.  It feels good knowing I can share that and not be afraid of what he will do with that information.  I trust him with everything I am even the tough emotions and thoughts.

Did this make me excited about the experiment?  No, not at all.  My feelings have not changed.  What has changed is my attitude towards it.  Like I said, I don’t have to like it to do it.  Sometimes pleasing my Owner is what I have to focus on.. not the task at hand.  This time when we restart this… I will be focused on that and try to be positive.  I truly will be serving him to the best of my ability… not letting my own misgivings get in the way.  So in that sense… the punishment did the trick.  Onto better days..

Punished- 7

I’ve always kept up our bank book… always payed the bills… always took care of the finances. I like doing it in a weird sort of way… I think its that deep seeded need of control. It’s funny how much control I like having in life… how much I like to have a say in things.. to know where things are going… and then to decide to submit my life to Ben. Strange. When we started on this journey… this didn’t change. Ben decided that I do a good job of keeping up with that so we just continued with what worked. Me taking care of it.

It had been almost two weeks since I had entered in all our receipts and deposits in the bank book we keep.  Honestly I had just dreaded entering the numerous receipts we had into the journal… and as the time passed… and they grew.. the task just seemed daunting.  I knew that it wasn’t going to change… that I would have to do it eventually. I needed to send out some bills.

When I sat down to do this… Ben commented about it after I said I’d waited too long to do it. You see, I’m supposed to do it once a week. Ideally this would happen on payday.. or the day after. But once a week is sufficient. Only we were so close to be on two weeks… and he wasn’t too thrilled about it. I entered in all the stuff I needed and paid the bills that were due. I went about doing other things.. but it was on my mind… the fact that he wasn’t happy. I texted him, not wanting to ask the him in front of the kids. I asked if I was in trouble. He told me he was thinking about it. I sighed… and inwardly cursed myself. He decided at some point that since there was no negative effects, that he wasn’t going to use the wire hanger. He said he’d think on it and come up with something else to punish me with. That was Friday night.

By Sunday night.. the thought of the punishment was looming over me. I wasn’t sure if he had forgotten.  I wanted to ask.. but I was so torn about it. I didn’t want to be in trouble… I didn’t want something taken away from me. I didn’t want it to ruin our night. In the same thought though… the feeling of it being impending…. the feeling that I hadn’t followed my rule… and so I needed to face the music. Being a responsible person when you’re in trouble is a funny process. It kind of sucks. I guess that’s how you tell maturity… when someone owns up to it… when someone seeks out punishment just so it is taken care of.

Honestly.. I think it really needed correction. Maybe not for this specific thing, but in general. I hadn’t been punished in some time… and I think I was feeling the effects of that. I think that needing that was keeping me from being completely back on track.  I wanted him to deal with me. And so.. in the end… I decided to ask. I texted him… and asked him if he had forgotten. He said he had. That was it. Inwardly… it bothered me that he had… that he didn’t say anything. I wanted him to have an answer… I wanted just to take a spanking and be done with it…. feeling centered… corrected. Nothing else was said that night about it and I went to bed with a feeling of disarray. I couldn’t express that though.. not then. I don’t know why.

The next morning I mentioned when we had our morning texts. He told me had thought about it.. and I would be wearing my plug an extra three hours that day. That isn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted something more… but it wasn’t up to me to decide on a punishment. So that afternoon when we returned from a funeral… I inserted my plug. I wore it for the next five hours. I’m not sure that it made me feel anything though.  It didn’t make me feel sorry for breaking the rule.  It made me wonder if served its purpose.

I know its not up to me to question that… butttttttttt… I am a rational adult. I like to pick things apart… see how people work. For me.. I’m not sure it was an effective punishment, which is hard to admit… as I don’t want it come off as I am criticizing him or questioning his authority. That is not the case.  I just know me, obviously, and what does and doesn’t work.

Needless to say.. I did my three extra hours and my normal two hours of being plugged and put it behind me.  Hopefully I’ll learn something from this… if not just make the decision to be better at being on top of the bank book.  I really don’t like disappointing him.  It’s not fun for either of us.. and so I really do try to be good and do as I’m told. We shall see.

Punished-6

Where to start… yesterday Ben had went to get us breakfast. He left me to get us drinks and find something to watch on tv. I was on the couch when I heard him pulling into the drive way. I was on my phone looking at Facebook when he walked in. In my head I realized he was home… but I guess in some way I thought the greeting him at the door rule was for when he comes home from work.

When he walked in… he stopped dead in his tracks and made a noise at me. I jumped up and went to him… the look on his face wasn’t one of happiness. He said so… that he wasn’t happy at all. I put my head to his chest after he handed me the bag of food. I put it on the shelf next to me and went to my knees. I felt completely and utterly crappy.

We went and sat down… ate in silence.  I hate disappointing him… and hate even more not knowing what he was thinking about. Was he done with this… what was going to happen next?

After we ate… I was sitting there… waiting. He got up… grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me to the ground. I followed along on my hands and knees to our room. I waited after he let go of me.. not daring to move. He snatched off the covers on our bed and pulled me to a bent position over it. His words began… “I don’t ask for much…” before he yanked down my pants. Yet another rule I had broken.

The swats from the wire hanger came down… all the while he spoke… I don’t remember how many. 6? 8? It doesn’t matter how many… they brought me to tears. I was still crying when he slid his cock inside of me. He made it clear that this wasn’t for me… but for him. He told me I needed a reminder… of my place as I had so obviously forgotten. The more he talked… the more I cried. I was to crawl on the floor everywhere I went for the rest of the day. He told me I was to ask for any and everything and that I was going to sit at his feet. This was going to reinforce my place… his girl… at his feet. I wouldn’t forget who was in charge.

When he was done using me… climbed into bed and called me to him. I laid next to him… feeling… well I don’t know. Put in my place I guess would be the exact words. We only laid there for a bit before he told me to kneel on the floor. I rolled off the bed onto the floor… not able to bring my eyes to meet him. He picked up my collar from my nightstand and hooked it around my neck. From there he walked me out of the bedroom to the living room. He left me kneeling to make me a spot on the floor. He carefully folded a blanket and pointed to my spot. I crawled to it… still wet from his cum and sat at his feet.

We watched tv in silence… he set me to get a drink at some point. I decided I was thirsty too. I grabbed my water and took a sip, thinking that it was only water… I didn’t think he meant that I had to ask for that. I was wrong. When I put my drink down he pushed me forward and swatted my ass three times. When he said ask for everything… he meant it.  It brought me to tears… I didn’t dare cry out loud… I suffered in my own little world.

At some point he let me up on the couch. He hugged me and asked what I was thinking. I told him I was cold… because I was. He said I could stay and the couch and wrap up in the blanket. I made him lunch and served it to him… all the while in silence… except for my head. Crawling every where I went and let me tell you, that’s rough on the knees. The longer it went on… the more I didn’t like asking for stuff. Anything I asked for came out in a mummer.  Asking to use the bathroom was the worst. By the third time I asked… it was really humiliating. I am not a fan of humiliation. I imagine it works though. In a different situation, maybe it wouldn’t have felt that way.

By the time he finally took away my punishment… I was ever so thankful. Thankful it was over… that I served my sentence. I know there was so much more he could have done to me… things that would have really pushed my comfort zones… that would have driven his point home. I think when it was all said and done… what he did put me back to where he wants me. I didn’t feel that warm fuzzy submission… but it was submission none the less.

I felt terrible about not following my rules… completely guilty because it really was my fault. I had decided to interpret his rules in the way I thought was right instead of just following them. Granted, the pants was because I was cold and had forgotten because of that. It’s hard for me when the kids start the day off with us and then go to their Dads. If the day starts off with just us, its easy to remember. That transition is difficult… to remember when they leave… I’m just his. The only responsibility I have is to him when they are gone. This isn’t the first time I’ve forgotten the pants rule. I doubt it will be the last time. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying. I always want to do my best even if I stumble.

The emotions I went through yesterday were not fun to say the least but he handled me well.. and saw me through it.  Punishment is such a fine line. I’m glad he cares enough about me and our relationship to follow through. It means a lot to me that I know if I mess up he is going to call me on it. It’s not that I like being in trouble… its not about that. I like that he’s fully committed to our dynamic. I like that he is committed to being my owner and all that entails… because I know it can’t always be easy. I know when you want to have a good day but something happens and you have to handle it.. that can be a big let down. Containing the situation.. rectifying it…. is what is important. Once the said issue is in the past… then the good day can be carried on with.

So another situation dealt with… so that we can move forward.

The funny thing about D/s is there is no set rules. There is no guidelines to shape and mold your relationship on… there’s just the way the Dom sees fit. Obviously there are places online you can go to… blogs you can read… and so forth that are helpful in this process but not one relationship is going to be exactly like yours. And so in a way you go in a bit blind.. testing the waters and hoping you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. We are only human after all… and sometimes we quite literally fuck up.

Ben commented on my last post. This particular evening was very difficult for me. You see going into my punishment I was under the mind frame that he was going to temper said punishment. What I got, was anything but. It left me confused… I felt like my emotions were a crumpled up ball of paper and all the different thoughts and feelings were touching each other. I couldn’t make sense of them. I felt lost… and hurt… and needy.

You see, I knew I had broken a rule… I knew that I had earned my punishment. That is all fine and dandy… and if he wanted to use me with no pleasure being thrown my way… that was okay too. I signed up for that… and deep down I like when he uses me. Now if that is all that had happened (I get my lashes from the wire hanger and he used me) then I could have pulled myself back together. This isn’t what happened… and I didn’t know how to process it.

Instead he went right into play time (or training as he put it). There was no buffer.. there was no time for me to go from punishment to play. I know that some people don’t need this or what not… but I am not one of those people. I needed not to be in that head space for play. I felt like the whole thing was one long punishment… and endured it. So when he was done with me and dismissed me… I walked away… feeling.. empty. I walked away hurt and confused when all I needed was him to pull me back together. Some would argue that after a punishment… you don’t need aftercare. Normally I would be fine… but this wasn’t a normal punishment for me. A scene takes me to all sorts of mental places just as punishments do. The two collided and I dunno… it was difficult. After play he always comforts me.. holds me close until I can pull the pieces of me back into one.

This went on all night… the distance… through me cooking dinner and us eating. Even after I posted… I laid on the couch.. silent… not wanting to show it to him. I didn’t want to be any more vulnerable than I already was. I felt exposed.. but I sent him the link. He read it it… and I felt so very far away from him…. and he stayed silent. He went to the bathroom and came back… then came to me. He told me he left me to think about what I had done.  That’s why… and left it at that.  I was kind of shocked. I had bared my soul to him… told him what I needed and still… nothing. I stayed quiet for the rest of the evening till bed time.

In bed he asked me what I was thinking. It was hard to articulate.. but I told him. I told him how confused it made me. He stayed quiet as I rambled a bit about it. He was hugging me… he was thinking.  I fought back the tears… and damn it I hate that. He apologized. He realized how he had blurred the lines and asked for my forgiveness…. which my mouth could not give…. nor could my brain. I was still pulled back in my own little emotional bubble. Still hurt… not trying to punish him.. but to protect myself.

Slowly the wall came down and I took comfort in being in his arms. By then though, he was falling asleep after a very long, hot day at work. This was frustrating for me… as I finally felt we were back on the road of reconnecting and here he was… needing sleep to get up to work the next day. I felt like our night was robbed. That the punishment should have been just that… and that we should have moved past it so that we could enjoy a nice quiet night alone.  I ended up getting up from bed.. I just couldn’t lay there. There was no way my brain was going to shut off and I didn’t want to listen to him sleep.

The funny thing about all this is… that I’m sure he was trying to make me more docile.. but at this point.. I was anything but. My mind raced with ways I could rebel. I could just cum.. right then and there… he would never know. After all… the reconnection had brought out the make up sex reflex in me. But ultimately, this would continue a bad cycle… and not do us any service. No… rebelling is not the answer. Around 12:20 I was tired and decided I needed to sleep… but no part of me wanted to go to our bed. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t. And so, I stayed on the couch.. until he came and got me at around 5:00. I was sore.. and hadn’t slept well. Couch sleeping isn’t much fun.

This morning.. I can’t say I have any more answers than I did last night. I have to say though.. this doesn’t change I am his. He owns me just as he did before. He earned this… I trust him with this. Is this blind faith? No. As I told him last night… I have made plenty mistakes.. hence needing to be punished.. and will make more. We both know this. He is going to make mistakes too. He has owned up to his part in yesterday’s mistakes. I can’t continue to fault him for that and I will not make him grovel to earn anything. He doesn’t deserve that.  We just need some time to sit and take and completely reconnect with each other so that we can move forth. I want to put this behind us. Its been a valuable lesson for us both I think.

I feel a sadness right now. It makes me very sad to think we both are in this position. I dunno what happened really. Sometimes things get out of hand I think. All I know is we are strong enough to keep pressing on. I love Ben.. he is my world. I don’t think I could go back to living a vanilla marriage… this is who we are now.