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loss and the road trip

Where to start?  It has been one hell of a week.

Last Sunday I didn’t wake up thinking I would be on my way to North Dakota by that night.  I woke up thinking it was going to be just like any other day… that the next day I’d be going to see Issac.  The reality of that day would be very different than I had anticipated.

It was around 10 am when my phone rang.  It was Ben.. I thought he had just taken an early lunch.  I answered cheerfully… and was met by very distressing news.  Ben was crying.. and told me that his Mom had passed away.  My stomach flopped… how was this even possible.  He had just talked to her a few days before… on Thanksgiving and she was fine.  I mean, she had some medical issues but she was fine.

The phone call was short… he said he was coming home.  My mind swam… she was 1,200 miles away… what were we going to do?  I finished up what I needed to do and left work as well.  As it turns out we both pulled into the driveway at the same time.  I got out of the car immediately and went to him.  As soon as he got out of the car.. I hugged him.  I cannot describe how hard it is to see the person you love so completely devastated.  It tore me up to see him like that.

We got home at around 11 am.. and by 3 pm we were on our way to North Dakota.  The plan was to drive there.. clean up her place and settle any bills and such while were there… then head home.  We had a very short period of time to get it all done so we could get back and go back to work.  We left the kids with their grandparents to make this trip easier.   His Dad came along with us… we took his truck because it is a 4×4 which came in handy when it came to going over the passes and moving some of the stuff out of her place.

The trip over was terrible.  In fact, the whole trip was terrible.  His Dad drove us both nuts.  He’s a nice guy but has a lot of annoying character traits.  I was so ready to boot him out of the truck it was ridiculous.  I had earbuds in almost the whole time just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his voice or his poor choice of music.  When it came time to let him drive.. well lets say, I was scared for my life.  Imagine a little kid sitting in a car pretending to drive.  Well that’s his Dad.  He jerks the steering wheel back and forth which causes him to weave all over the place.  It is amazing to me that he hasn’t killed anyone.. or himself.. or had a wreck of any kind.  It was terribly scary… and we had him drive as little as possible.

We got to North Dakota around 10 pm on Monday.  It was a very long drive and we were really tired.  We met up with the neighbor who had found Ben’s Mom.  She let us into the apartment…. and when inside I realized what kind of task we had in front of us.  She was very much a pack rat… that collected all sorts of things.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very clean person.. but the amount of stuff was overwhelming.

We hadn’t been there fifteen minutes when the first family member showed up.  Ben’s uncle and his crazy girlfriend.  They would end up following us to have dinner and invite themselves to sit with us.  It was all a bit much to take in for the driving ordeal we had just had.  The other brother and girlfriend would show up the next day.  Both thoroughly pissed Ben off very early on.

Over the next couple days there was all sorts of stuff going on… lots of emotions… lots of stress.  There is something interesting about becoming the rock for your Owner.  That is what he needed… and it was very taxing on me.  I had a few moments where I felt totally overwhelmed.  There was some tears on my part from all of this… that came and passed quickly.  I didn’t have time to wallow in my own shit.  I had to be the strong one.. and I had to be the driving force behind getting stuff done.  I’ve been through some really hard stuff… but this certainly topped the charts.  It was a hard situation all around.

All of this was done and over with by Thursday morning.. we pulled out of town by noon.  I cannot tell you how relieved I was to be back on the road… back on my way to home.  I missed my home.. missed my children.. missed my cats… missed Issac… I missed my phone having proper service.  I so wanted our lives to go back to normal.  I knew how tiring and terrible the trip home would be… but it was worth it to go home.  I was tired of all the crappy food… the hard beds… just yeah.. everything sucked.

The strain of the trip and how busy we were took it’s toll on all of us.  I could feel the space between Ben and I.. even though he was close enough to touch.  It was distressing to say the least.. but I knew as soon as we were home… we would reconnect and all would be well again.  And so, I didn’t dwell on this… just held onto the prize at the end of the journey.

We finally pulled into town last night at around 7 pm.  I was excited to see our cats… the kids were at their Dad’s.  We walked in… and we only saw two.  We searched the house over… only not to find the third one.  We searched outside for a hour… after tears had fallen and the worst was feared.  We didn’t find her.. and we were heartbroken.  After the week we’d had… hadn’t we endured enough? This was so not fair.  I’d take another week away if it meant she was home.

Then Ben went into our room and saw a flash of gray.  We had no idea where she was hiding… but there she was.  We were so relieved.  But we were spent.  It was all too much.  We had worked too hard… dealt with too much… and now it was time to finally just be.  It is amazing the amount of stuff a person can handle.  We are such resilient creatures.  I just hope we never have another experience like this.  Ever.

So today… I am still exhausted.  I could sleep another ten hours easily.  I am just simply worn out… but Ben and I have found one another again just as I thought.  I love him so… and I would do it all over again.. because that’s what you do for the people you love.  Sometimes you have to be someone’s rock and let the storm rage against you in order to protect them.  It just goes to show you how versatile our roles have to be.  He can’t always be the one that takes the lead… sometimes he needs me to.  It doesn’t make him any less in charge…. it just makes us a couple that loves one another… that doesn’t fit anyone’s mold but ours.

There is so much that happened… it would take me forever to share.  These were the major bits.  The rest will fade into the past… and stay there.  All we can do now is move forward.  Me? I am just happy to be home.

masturbation poll update

As of right now.. my masturbation poll got sixteen votes.. which in the span of several days has had almost two hundred hits… so not so great.  BUT out of the votes I did get I figured I’d do a little post to talk about the response.

I got one “other” vote, which I have no idea what that means.  My only thought is that other could mean… the person doesn’t masturbate at all?  That’s the only thing that makes sense to me.  If you’re the one that voted that way… please, I’d love to hear what it meant.

The bulk of the votes fell into the sometimes category (62.6%).  I would fall into that category.  I figured that most people would also vote this way.  It was cool to see my suspicions confirmed.  I would think generally that a great deal of people fantasize about their partner at least some of the time which is why it always seemed so odd to me about Ben.  I guess we are who we are, right?

The other two categories left are never and always… both extremes.  I got two votes for never.. and asked Ben if he had voted… he said no.  I knew there would be some votes for that since I myself, know two people in my little world that feel that way.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.  I guess we can’t control what turns us on when we get off… we are wired the way we are… and there isn’t much to be done about that.

The other extreme, always.. used to be me.  Up until about eight months ago I always had been in my fantasies.  It all came down to how much I loved (and still do) having sex with him.  He is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had.. and that still stand to this day.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the emotion and connection we share.

So to all of you who voted, thanks a lot.  It was fun to see what responses came in and have my own theories backed up.  So with that.. I wish you happy masturbating! 🙂

how do YOU masturbate?

Hello again boys and girls!  (heh) In today’s blog post we are going to talk about masturbation… say it with me… mas-tur-bation.  Very good!  The act of masturbation is not only fun but is good for you as well!  Everyone should do it!  Just sayin’.

I know that I personally do not get enough alone time for it.  If I’m lucky I will get to have a solo act once a week.  With kids and work… there is little time left for any Sierra alone time.  So when I do manage to get some, I don’t let it go to waste.  Before the recent rule changes, I’d have to ask for permission.  Sometimes I weighed the pros and cons… and if it was truly worth asking.  Getting a no would really suck.  Fortunately, 99% of the time Ben would say yes.

Since the change, I have to say that I have seen a difference in myself.  The very next day after we talked about it… I was insatiable.  It was something that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.. and it was a welcome change.  It was strange being able to touch my pussy without asking.. but nice at the same time.  I took full advantage.

So this lends itself to masturbation content.  For me personally my fantasies are filled with one of three people.  Ben, Issac, or the random faceless person(s).  My best friend and I have talked about this before and she thinks it’s weird that Ben is part of what I fantasize about.  She never uses her boyfriend in hers… she says she gets that.. why would she dream of that?  I say.. I love having sex so much with Ben.. that why on Earth would I not put him in my fantasies?

Ben is of the same thought… that I am not part of what he jerks off to.  It bothers me… and I try not to think about it.  Everyone is different and I try to understand and accept that.  I can handle it as long as it’s not shoved in my face.  I think the biggest reason why it bothers me is because it makes me feel like I’m not interesting enough or sexy enough to have a staring role in his fantasies.  This, of course, is silly because he chooses to be with me.. and have sex with me.  It’s one of the few insecurities I have.

In any event.. it doesn’t come up very often.  It’s a good thing… because if it came up all the time… I think I’d be a mess.  But it makes me wonder what others are like?  Are you more like me? Or more like Ben?  I inquired with Issac over the weekend to hear his answer.  His wife makes an appearance sometimes.  So he’s more like me.  🙂

So… I’m taking a poll… and the question is for partnered people be it that you’re married, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or engaged.  OR anywhere in between.   Thanks in advance for your responses!

LOL payment.. in full

So… Sunday has arrived.  After work I swung by home to collect my swats.  All in total… Ben gave 40… counting a last minute one that came in after the deadline.  I didn’t think it was fair… but hey… it was still fun.  I’d like to thank everyone that stopped by and a special thank you for the ones who left comments.

I received 5 swats for each of the following commenters…

lil

Melody aka Rd

Petunia

Todd and Suzy at A.S.S

Pink

laylad

and last but not least… Mike

When I got home.. Ben picked out four different implements (the crop, cane, and two different spatulas that take my breath away).  The first set of twenty he gave in five swat increments… mixed with a vigorous fucking.  It was nice to have the pain broken up with a lot of pleasure.  The last twenty went two sets of ten.

It was fun… and I ended up with a very warm ass.  So a big, big thank you for the happy little high I got from forty very hard spankings.  As promised… below is proof of payment.  🙂  Thanks again to those of you who delurked and said hello!

LOL payment.. postponed

SO… tonight was supposed to be spanking night for all the comments from LOL Day.   Unfortunately, Ben had to work three hours later than he was supposed to… and had a very rough day.  So I am postponing payment till most likely Sunday so that he can get some rest tonight.. well deserved rest.  I want it to be fun for us both.  🙂

Tomorrow I’m going to see Issac… so that is why it’ll have to be Sunday.  I guess this gives more time for the anticipation to build, right?  So… until then… I’ll be waiting to deliver a story and picture for all of the comments that were so thoughtfully left.

Until.. you’ll just have to enjoy the rosy back side of the lovely lady to the left…

Have a great weekend all!

LOL 6!

Its upon us again… and admittedly I haven’t always joined in with the Love Our Lurkers fun.  There was always a good reason why.  BUT, this year.. I am.

I know I have a few people that comment somewhat regularly, but I know there are a ton of people that visit, read, and never say anything.  I am certainly one of those people that doesn’t post anything usually unless I have something relevant to say (which isn’t very often).  So yeah, I’d say for the most part I, too, am a lurker at large.   LOL is a perfect day to break that silence… though chances are it will be the only day something is said.  In any case, it’s cool to hear from all the people that read that never say anything.  I like knowing who is reading. 🙂

In this spirit… I’m hoping that my lurkers will come out of the darkness and say hello!  As an added incentive Ben and I have decided to throw in something fun to tempt you into saying hi.  The deal is.. you can only comment once… in the comment please introduce yourself, if you have a blog throw it in there so I may visit and check it out, how long you’ve been reading, and anything else you’d like to say.  In return… for every comment I receive Ben will administer five swats to my very bare ass in your honor.  Afterwards he’ll take a picture of the aftermath which I’ll post Friday. This is a win win all around me thinks! (I may change my mind at some point lol).  This offer will run till Friday night (November 11, 2011) at 5 pm PST.  SO!  This means get on it… comment away!  I look forward to hearing from you.  🙂

Usually Bonnie  keeps a running list of who is joining in, so pop over there and see who is playing this year!

rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

missing his domination

Desires come and go.  It happens because we are wired that way… we can’t be 100% into something every moment of the day.  We have mood shifts… different mind frames… all that.   The steak that sounded so good for dinner one day might not have the same appeal the next.  Variety is a very good thing.

And so, it doesn’t surprise me that my desire to be dominated sexually hasn’t been very strong lately.  I’ve had so many other things going on that it seems my brain has been distracted.. and very much not focused on a good ass beating.

In my head.. I know I miss it… and want it.  I think it’s like summer… people know they love it… they remember it being a certain way, but there is just nothing like experiencing it.  That first warm day, when you can go out and take a dip in a nice cool body of water is amazing.  Just like that first taste of dominance after a bit of a dry spell.  I remember it being amazing, but there isn’t much better than actually experiencing it first hand.

And so, the deep desire.. that leaves me wanton and crazy isn’t there… but I know that I need only experience a taste of domination to be right back where I was only weeks ago.  I miss it. Yes.. very much so.  It doesn’t feel right to go so long without it.  There seems to be this little piece of me that is off… and wrong.  It makes me feel a bit off kilter.

I can’t wait to feel that power over me… to be at my knees swimming deep in my submission.  I need it… to feel balanced.  It’s not something I ever like going without.  This particular dry spell.. there is not blame to be assigned.  It happened and was out of our hands.  I know that Ben is just as eager to get back to the way it was.  Sigh… I can’t wait.  🙂

meeting Issac

When Ben and I started the journey into our open marriage… I had no idea what would await me.  There really was no way of telling what was out there.. what there was to experience.  I did know that I wanted to experience everything that life has to offer… and I wanted to do that with Ben next to me.  Admittedly.. our first experience with being open wasn’t the best it could be.  It ended rather horribly.. so much so we retracted into each other because it was what we needed to do at the time to make things better.

It would take many months for us to try again.  Our original attempt was far fetched in retrospect.  It’s hard enough to make a solid connection with one person, much less two.  I knew that us finding a girlfriend together was futile, and honestly not something I really wanted anymore.  My desires had changed.  I think Ashley made me realize that I like to play with women.. but most certainly don’t like dating them.  It’s just not for me.  And so for that I am thankful I learned that.

So when we decided to take a stab at this again, in a different way… we knew it would be separately.  In the beginning of this go round.. I put up an ad on a major BDSM dating site.  I knew that being with someone vanilla wasn’t an option for me.  Vanilla sex just doesn’t do it for me.. I need that extra edge… and I need someone that’s comfortable with not being the norm.  This was something I had to have.

My criteria was simple.  Someone that was respectful of my marriage, that makes me laugh, that could interact with me every day, could see me once a week, and wasn’t looking for a D/s relationship.  Well maybe that’s not so simple?  I don’t know.  My first two days I was bombarded with so many messages from people ranging from 21 to 61.  A good deal of them either didn’t read my ad or were just too dumb to talk to.  Though there were a few decent ones sprinkled in there.  I would eventually change my ad to put in an age range because lets get realistic here people, I’m 29 and have no interest in a 61 year old man.  Sorry.

I went out on two dates as a result and where as I had fun, I knew there wasn’t anything there to pursue.   And then.. out of the blue, I get this incredible message from this man.  He had such a way with words.. and I was instantly struck by it.  I was speechless to be honest, and that doesn’t happen often.  Next to never.  The only problem was… he was out of my age range by two years.  Suddenly, that didn’t matter at all to me.  I had to know this person.. I could just feel it.  I responded immediately.

We would share messages back and forth for several days… and I was taken by him and his words immediately.  We exchanged phone numbers to text one another less than a week later.  We actually talked on the phone less than a week after the initial contact.  We had this instant connection that was just.. yeah… it was intense… and awesome.  Lots of adjectives.  Time flew with him on the phone.  (Did I mention he is English and has the most wonderful accent? Yes… I love it.).

It wasn’t long before we made plans to meet.  I was pretty attached already… we talked everyday (in fact we’ve talked every day since we met).  For the first time, I was nervous about meeting him.  I didn’t want it to change and the reality is that sometimes its not the same in person.  I had something to lose here.  He knew how nervous I was… as we talk about most everything and don’t hold back.  It’s refreshing.

So the day came we’d meet.. and since we live 2 1/2 hours apart we agreed to meet in the middle.  I got there before him.. and had time to start panic.  I was so scared.  As soon as I saw him though.. and he hugged me.. it was all gone.  There he was.. right in front of me.. and it was exactly the same as it was.  I was so relieved.  We spent nine hours together the first day before we had to go home because we both worked the next day.  It was so hard to leave… for both of us.  I didn’t have a question in my mind that I wanted him in my life.

And so that was the beginning of what has become something special and wonderful with Issac.  He’s become so much a part of my life it’s crazy.  I didn’t know I could be so lucky to find two men that make me feel so intensely… that treat me wonderfully… that.. yeah.  I don’t have words for what I have.  I know it wont always be easy… it won’t always be perfect… but damn.  I am so very happy.  Happy, that’s an understatement.  I am one lucky woman.  Hell yes I am.

It makes me feel a bit selfish at times… that there are people in this world that are single and looking for someone to love them.. and here I have two.  I didn’t know it was possible to love two people so intensely.  No idea at all.  Like I said, I had no idea what I was going to get when we started.  I am so pleasantly surprised.  Sometimes I want to pinch myself because there is no way this isn’t a dream.  I am constantly surprised at what we as people are capable of feeling and doing.  It’s amazing.

things that make me go eek!

So I was inspired to write for once!  Pink commented on my last blog post.  There are certainly things that Ben has found as of late that I am not too keen on.  It’s mostly the nonsexual pain type of things.  He had made them work to his advantage…ie.. he’s enjoying taunting me with such things.

Case in point… Ben loves the way hood piercings look.  I think in some cases they can too… I’ve seen some cool pictures.  However, the idea of my very own hood being pierced does not appeal to me in the least bit.  I hear that it heals faster than nipples do.. but yeah.  I don’t like the idea of some stranger getting between my legs and shoving a piece of metal through my most tender spot.  No way.  Just thinking about it makes my heart race in a bad way.  Not to mention I wouldn’t be able to have sex… yeah.. this does not seem like a good plan at all.

Up until recently it was just something he talked about that he liked.  Recently.  So not that long ago he told me that he wanted me to get one.  Silly me thought this was an option.  Yeah, no.  He informed me that I will be getting one.  Ugh.  Now normally Ben will mention stuff and forget about it.  He just has that sort of memory.. and so things get put off for a while.   In some cases that drives me nuts… though in this case, I’m more than happy for him to forget.  He also told me… it’d be within the next year.  It makes me squeeze my eyes shut and hope it goes away.  Yep.. not interested!

In the same vein we’ve seen pics of nipple piercings where there is a horizontal and vertical piercing.  They look very cool.  I like them.. but do I really want to get a second set?  Do I want to go through that pain again?  Do I want to go through the heal time again?  Not really.  Does that mean it won’t happen? I doubt it.  I’m sure at some point he will jump on that idea too.  Sigh. Yeah.. he likes to torture me I think.

(*Disclaimer.. yes.. I know it’s a choice to do what he wants.  And yes, my choice is to do as he tells me.  I’m not a mindless twit. 🙂 Thank you.  Now we will return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.)