Tag Archive: love


so it’s been a while, huh?

SO I’ve been gone a while huh?  Things have been just crazy in my world.  I’m always so busy and on the go.  Sitting here and thinking about how long it’s been… it’s kind of shocking.  Months… my blog has been dark for months.

I figure I owe my blog an update.

The end of May I decided it was time a change personally.  I have been overweight my whole life.  I can’t ever remember being thin because honestly, I never was.  I always loved who I was but I knew that being heavy was going to lower my quality of life.  I think that turning 30 really changed me in so many ways.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I had tried to lose weight before  and was never able to stick with it.  My will power just wasn’t there.

I woke up one day and decided it was finally time.  I was there mentally and physically to make a change.  So I made a lifestyle change… and stepped up to the plate so to speak.  I had a lofty goal… 70 lbs.  I put my head and heart into it.. and off I went.

 

The first two months I had a bad day every week.  I stuck to my calorie intake but emotionally I would be drained.   I missed eating like everyone in my family… it was so hard.  As time passed… it got easier.  I found that I was starting not to have bad days at all.  In fact I haven’t had a bad day since Father’s Day.  I was probably three months in before I finally felt like it wasn’t a diet but a lifestyle change.  I can’t imagine going back to my old habits. It’s just disgusting to me.

Somewhere along the path I realized I wouldn’t be happy losing 70 lbs and changed my goal weight.  It upped my weight loss to 80 lbs.  I hit my half way point last Sunday.  I am currently down 40 lbs… and couldn’t be happier about it.  It’s weird going shopping for clothes now because I don’t really know where to look.  I will tell you though, with each smaller size… it feels amazing.

Along side my weight loss I have become quite active.  I work out five days a week.  I plan on doing a 10k in the Spring… and hopefully a full marathon by next Fall.  It’s a huge goal but honestly… I am so driven… I know I can do it.  I keep pushing myself further and further and amaze myself with what I am capable of. I feel amazing… I can’t really put it into words how it makes me feel.  I could go on and on about it.  I won’t though.  I will just say, I’m so proud of myself… because I did this.. all of it.  Even if I had support… I made this change all on my own.

And as if that isn’t enough… there is more change in my world.  I have received a promotion at work.  I am now the manager of the bakery I work in.  It’s been a whirlwind and I’ve worked so hard to earn it.  There has been lots of stress along the way but I feel like I’m finally settling into the position.  It’s weird being in charge that much is sure.  I kind of like it.  This doesn’t really surprise me though.  I think that being submissive is only something I like in my relationship.

I tell you, this year has been amazing.  So much in my world is right at the moment.  Of course, the thing that’s fallen to the side is our dynamic.  We both miss it so but have so much on our plate.  Ben has been super busy at work as well.  They had some changes at work and he had to pick up the slack.  He had weeks of sixty hour weeks.  It really drained him.  We just focused on being together when we were and loving each other.  That was what was important.

We are on the other side of this now and have intentions of trying to get back to where we were.  I truly hope we can.  It’s a good place for us to be… and we both know it.  It seems like we have been struggling for so long now with this.  I have to believe we can get back to where we were.  Time will tell.

On the Issac front, he and I have parted ways.  He just doesn’t have the time to devote to our relationship right now.  We hope that at some point this will change and we can reconnect.  It’s sad… and that’s all I want to say about it.
So there you have it… this is my world in a nutshell.  I’m going beautiful places.  I never though turning 30 would be so wonderful.  I feel so alive.  Being away hasn’t been so bad.

 

I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.

5 years and counting

This month marked our five year wedding anniversary.  Originally we had planned to celebrate it in Hawaii… but we moved instead.  When the day came that we had planned to fly there, I was most certainly bummed but as the days passed I was okay with it.  I focused on what we had planned to do.

It took me a while to decide on what we would do. I am the planner and Ben likes to sit back and show up when it’s time.  So all the planning I did was a surprise to him.  I finally decided on going to Seattle.  I booked a great hotel.. called Hotel 1000.  We would spend the weekend after our anniversary there since we had to work on our actual anniversary.

The morning of leaving.. we had some breakfast and headed north.  We made it to Seattle and went straight to the EMP.  They had some great exhibits there (a horror movie tribute, Jimmie Hendrex, and Nirvana).  It was fun to walk around and check out stuff that we both really love… scary movies and music.

From there we headed to the hotel to check in.  This place was top rate all the way.  It was by far the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in…. which says a lot since I am a bit of a hotel snob.  The service was phenomenal.  The room was really comfortable as well…. with a great bed and this awesome tub that fills from the ceiling! 

After we  dropped our stuff off we headed to Pike Place Market.  It’s a must see every time we go.  I love the energy of it.  We wandered around and found a place to have lunch.  It had a great view of the Puget Sound.  We sat by the window and opened it a bit to get some fresh air.  We were so lucky to get such great weather.  The sunshine was sandwiched some rainy days.

We walked around some more before heading back to the hotel to relax.   When we walked in, they had delivered a bottle of sparkling wine and chocolates while were out.  It was a nice touch. We stayed there till dinner.  I drew us a bath with bubbles.  We must have stayed in the tub for a hour.. drinking, chatting, and playing with the rubber duck.  It was sweet… and fun.. and romantic.  I loved every minute of it.

After we got ready and headed to dinner.  The hotel provided us transport in their town car.. which was nice not to have to take a taxi.  I had picked this steak house that I had heard great things about.  We spent two hours there…. and it was a wonderful two hours.  The meal was amazing…. and they had a few nice touches in honor of our anniversary.  They had set out confetti on the table and gave us a delicious chocolate dessert as a congratulations.

The whole day was wonderful.  It was the perfect mix of doing things and relaxing.  It was so nice to escape our everyday life and be together.

I can’t say enough about the time we’ve been together.  I couldn’t think of a better man to be with for all those years.  He has been the best husband, friend, Owner, etc. I could ever have asked for.  I love him more today than I did the day I married him… which is a whole lot.  We’ve had our ups and downs… but we’ve done it together.  We’ve grown together… learned together… loved together.  I know that this will always be the way we take on the world.  It’s just who we are.  We are devoted to one another.. wonderfully devoted.

loss and the road trip

Where to start?  It has been one hell of a week.

Last Sunday I didn’t wake up thinking I would be on my way to North Dakota by that night.  I woke up thinking it was going to be just like any other day… that the next day I’d be going to see Issac.  The reality of that day would be very different than I had anticipated.

It was around 10 am when my phone rang.  It was Ben.. I thought he had just taken an early lunch.  I answered cheerfully… and was met by very distressing news.  Ben was crying.. and told me that his Mom had passed away.  My stomach flopped… how was this even possible.  He had just talked to her a few days before… on Thanksgiving and she was fine.  I mean, she had some medical issues but she was fine.

The phone call was short… he said he was coming home.  My mind swam… she was 1,200 miles away… what were we going to do?  I finished up what I needed to do and left work as well.  As it turns out we both pulled into the driveway at the same time.  I got out of the car immediately and went to him.  As soon as he got out of the car.. I hugged him.  I cannot describe how hard it is to see the person you love so completely devastated.  It tore me up to see him like that.

We got home at around 11 am.. and by 3 pm we were on our way to North Dakota.  The plan was to drive there.. clean up her place and settle any bills and such while were there… then head home.  We had a very short period of time to get it all done so we could get back and go back to work.  We left the kids with their grandparents to make this trip easier.   His Dad came along with us… we took his truck because it is a 4×4 which came in handy when it came to going over the passes and moving some of the stuff out of her place.

The trip over was terrible.  In fact, the whole trip was terrible.  His Dad drove us both nuts.  He’s a nice guy but has a lot of annoying character traits.  I was so ready to boot him out of the truck it was ridiculous.  I had earbuds in almost the whole time just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his voice or his poor choice of music.  When it came time to let him drive.. well lets say, I was scared for my life.  Imagine a little kid sitting in a car pretending to drive.  Well that’s his Dad.  He jerks the steering wheel back and forth which causes him to weave all over the place.  It is amazing to me that he hasn’t killed anyone.. or himself.. or had a wreck of any kind.  It was terribly scary… and we had him drive as little as possible.

We got to North Dakota around 10 pm on Monday.  It was a very long drive and we were really tired.  We met up with the neighbor who had found Ben’s Mom.  She let us into the apartment…. and when inside I realized what kind of task we had in front of us.  She was very much a pack rat… that collected all sorts of things.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very clean person.. but the amount of stuff was overwhelming.

We hadn’t been there fifteen minutes when the first family member showed up.  Ben’s uncle and his crazy girlfriend.  They would end up following us to have dinner and invite themselves to sit with us.  It was all a bit much to take in for the driving ordeal we had just had.  The other brother and girlfriend would show up the next day.  Both thoroughly pissed Ben off very early on.

Over the next couple days there was all sorts of stuff going on… lots of emotions… lots of stress.  There is something interesting about becoming the rock for your Owner.  That is what he needed… and it was very taxing on me.  I had a few moments where I felt totally overwhelmed.  There was some tears on my part from all of this… that came and passed quickly.  I didn’t have time to wallow in my own shit.  I had to be the strong one.. and I had to be the driving force behind getting stuff done.  I’ve been through some really hard stuff… but this certainly topped the charts.  It was a hard situation all around.

All of this was done and over with by Thursday morning.. we pulled out of town by noon.  I cannot tell you how relieved I was to be back on the road… back on my way to home.  I missed my home.. missed my children.. missed my cats… missed Issac… I missed my phone having proper service.  I so wanted our lives to go back to normal.  I knew how tiring and terrible the trip home would be… but it was worth it to go home.  I was tired of all the crappy food… the hard beds… just yeah.. everything sucked.

The strain of the trip and how busy we were took it’s toll on all of us.  I could feel the space between Ben and I.. even though he was close enough to touch.  It was distressing to say the least.. but I knew as soon as we were home… we would reconnect and all would be well again.  And so, I didn’t dwell on this… just held onto the prize at the end of the journey.

We finally pulled into town last night at around 7 pm.  I was excited to see our cats… the kids were at their Dad’s.  We walked in… and we only saw two.  We searched the house over… only not to find the third one.  We searched outside for a hour… after tears had fallen and the worst was feared.  We didn’t find her.. and we were heartbroken.  After the week we’d had… hadn’t we endured enough? This was so not fair.  I’d take another week away if it meant she was home.

Then Ben went into our room and saw a flash of gray.  We had no idea where she was hiding… but there she was.  We were so relieved.  But we were spent.  It was all too much.  We had worked too hard… dealt with too much… and now it was time to finally just be.  It is amazing the amount of stuff a person can handle.  We are such resilient creatures.  I just hope we never have another experience like this.  Ever.

So today… I am still exhausted.  I could sleep another ten hours easily.  I am just simply worn out… but Ben and I have found one another again just as I thought.  I love him so… and I would do it all over again.. because that’s what you do for the people you love.  Sometimes you have to be someone’s rock and let the storm rage against you in order to protect them.  It just goes to show you how versatile our roles have to be.  He can’t always be the one that takes the lead… sometimes he needs me to.  It doesn’t make him any less in charge…. it just makes us a couple that loves one another… that doesn’t fit anyone’s mold but ours.

There is so much that happened… it would take me forever to share.  These were the major bits.  The rest will fade into the past… and stay there.  All we can do now is move forward.  Me? I am just happy to be home.

meeting Issac

When Ben and I started the journey into our open marriage… I had no idea what would await me.  There really was no way of telling what was out there.. what there was to experience.  I did know that I wanted to experience everything that life has to offer… and I wanted to do that with Ben next to me.  Admittedly.. our first experience with being open wasn’t the best it could be.  It ended rather horribly.. so much so we retracted into each other because it was what we needed to do at the time to make things better.

It would take many months for us to try again.  Our original attempt was far fetched in retrospect.  It’s hard enough to make a solid connection with one person, much less two.  I knew that us finding a girlfriend together was futile, and honestly not something I really wanted anymore.  My desires had changed.  I think Ashley made me realize that I like to play with women.. but most certainly don’t like dating them.  It’s just not for me.  And so for that I am thankful I learned that.

So when we decided to take a stab at this again, in a different way… we knew it would be separately.  In the beginning of this go round.. I put up an ad on a major BDSM dating site.  I knew that being with someone vanilla wasn’t an option for me.  Vanilla sex just doesn’t do it for me.. I need that extra edge… and I need someone that’s comfortable with not being the norm.  This was something I had to have.

My criteria was simple.  Someone that was respectful of my marriage, that makes me laugh, that could interact with me every day, could see me once a week, and wasn’t looking for a D/s relationship.  Well maybe that’s not so simple?  I don’t know.  My first two days I was bombarded with so many messages from people ranging from 21 to 61.  A good deal of them either didn’t read my ad or were just too dumb to talk to.  Though there were a few decent ones sprinkled in there.  I would eventually change my ad to put in an age range because lets get realistic here people, I’m 29 and have no interest in a 61 year old man.  Sorry.

I went out on two dates as a result and where as I had fun, I knew there wasn’t anything there to pursue.   And then.. out of the blue, I get this incredible message from this man.  He had such a way with words.. and I was instantly struck by it.  I was speechless to be honest, and that doesn’t happen often.  Next to never.  The only problem was… he was out of my age range by two years.  Suddenly, that didn’t matter at all to me.  I had to know this person.. I could just feel it.  I responded immediately.

We would share messages back and forth for several days… and I was taken by him and his words immediately.  We exchanged phone numbers to text one another less than a week later.  We actually talked on the phone less than a week after the initial contact.  We had this instant connection that was just.. yeah… it was intense… and awesome.  Lots of adjectives.  Time flew with him on the phone.  (Did I mention he is English and has the most wonderful accent? Yes… I love it.).

It wasn’t long before we made plans to meet.  I was pretty attached already… we talked everyday (in fact we’ve talked every day since we met).  For the first time, I was nervous about meeting him.  I didn’t want it to change and the reality is that sometimes its not the same in person.  I had something to lose here.  He knew how nervous I was… as we talk about most everything and don’t hold back.  It’s refreshing.

So the day came we’d meet.. and since we live 2 1/2 hours apart we agreed to meet in the middle.  I got there before him.. and had time to start panic.  I was so scared.  As soon as I saw him though.. and he hugged me.. it was all gone.  There he was.. right in front of me.. and it was exactly the same as it was.  I was so relieved.  We spent nine hours together the first day before we had to go home because we both worked the next day.  It was so hard to leave… for both of us.  I didn’t have a question in my mind that I wanted him in my life.

And so that was the beginning of what has become something special and wonderful with Issac.  He’s become so much a part of my life it’s crazy.  I didn’t know I could be so lucky to find two men that make me feel so intensely… that treat me wonderfully… that.. yeah.  I don’t have words for what I have.  I know it wont always be easy… it won’t always be perfect… but damn.  I am so very happy.  Happy, that’s an understatement.  I am one lucky woman.  Hell yes I am.

It makes me feel a bit selfish at times… that there are people in this world that are single and looking for someone to love them.. and here I have two.  I didn’t know it was possible to love two people so intensely.  No idea at all.  Like I said, I had no idea what I was going to get when we started.  I am so pleasantly surprised.  Sometimes I want to pinch myself because there is no way this isn’t a dream.  I am constantly surprised at what we as people are capable of feeling and doing.  It’s amazing.

randomness

So another week has passed.. and always.. I am shocked it’s time to post something else.  It seems like only four days has passed when it’s always been seven.  I find myself suffering with writers block.. simply cause the things that are going on in our world… I don’t think are blog worthy.  They aren’t related to our dynamic.. at least not directly.  I guess one could argue that if it has anything to do with us, then it’s about our dynamic.

So I guess I can talk about the shaft I got at my job a couple weeks ago… I can talk about the stress it caused and the tears I shed.  At the time I felt like I got a raw deal.  It was retaliation, no doubt… but what I didn’t realize then was it was a blessing in disguise.  Being transferred to a new shop was the best thing that’s actually happened to me at work in a long time.  I didn’t realize how stressed that place was making me.  I didn’t realize how unhappy I was to be there. Suddenly after three days at the new shop, I felt this weight lifted off me.  I was free of it.  It’s true… things really do happen for a reason.  And all along.. Ben was beside me.. seeing me through.. keeping me strong.

I could talk about the changes our house has seen in the last couple months.  I could talk about how Ben and I finally made the step to fully opening our relationship.  Yes.. it’s unorthodox in a Owner/slave relationship.. but it works for us.  Nothing has changed on that front… at all.  He will always own me.  That isn’t likely to change… it’s just how we interact with one another.

Ben has been talking with someone that is special to him.. and I have to say I’m really excited for him.  Things are moving slowly but he’s much more patient than I am.  I hope it works out.. he deserves all the happiness the world has to offer.  It’s funny how opening up things have brought us closer.  All of this has proven to me more than ever that he is my best friend.  It is so bizarre to sit and be able to share things about other people in our lives.  There isn’t any weirdness… and it amazes me that when you open your mind to new things.. you can accomplish anything.  It’s refreshing.

I have met someone as well… his name is Issac.  I don’t know how to describe him that doesn’t sound like gushing.  Simply put… he’s amazing.  He will be around for some time… I don’t know how much face time he will be having on this blog.  He’s around nevertheless.. whether it affects what goes on  here.. I don’t know.  He makes me happy.. that’s all that is important there.  Sometimes I think I’m super lucky… I have such a blessed life.  How did this become my life?

So yeah, I could talk about about all those things.  Both are big events… but none of them feel right to talk about it.  They’re out there now, though.  I don’t think it cured my writers block… but it serves as my weekly post.  🙂 And that my friends is… two birds with one stone!

earning my submission

Before I met Ben… both the long term relationships I had… I wore the pants.  Now looking back, it’s not because I necessarily wanted to be in charge… it was more out of necessity.  Those two men were not men worthy of leading me by any means.  I knew it then.. and definitely know it now.  I may not have looked at it that way at the time but I can see it now.

I was settling then.. for less than what I wanted and needed.  I overcompensated in taking the reigns because I knew that they were too weak to take care of us.  I needed to do it all.. to make sure it was done right because they were unreliable.  Thinking about it makes me sad that I ever did that to myself.  I was too young to realize what I truly needed to be happy.

It wasn’t till years later.. that I found a man worthy of my respect and love.  When Ben and I met and fell in love.. then subsequently moved in together… we were equal partners.  It was what I needed then.  I needed him to be my equal.. and in that I had so much respect for him… to treat me with love, kindness, and respect in return.  It was the first relationship that felt right… and I reveled in the fact that I didn’t need to be his parent like I had been in the past.  I didn’t want another child… I wanted a man.

I don’t think I could have eventually let Ben take charge in our marriage had we not had those beginnings.  He had to earn the right to be the one calling the shots.  I will not kneel before someone who has not earned it.. and he has in so many ways.  I know this is why our dynamic works so well… because we’ve had patience… and built something over many years that is so wondrous.

It makes me wonder how anyone can jump into a D/s relationship not knowing each other.  I don’t think the level of trust and commitment can be given from me without really knowing someone.   I mean, if it works for someone, awesome.. but for me I need to build to something more meaningful and deep.  I know that had we tried this from day one.. it would have failed horribly for us.  I’m glad it happened when it did… right time.. right place sort of thing- kind of like when we met.

Either way.. I am more than happy to be my Owners slave.  It feels right… I don’t question it.  It feels good to not have to control things.. to just be.  I know that at times I have moments where I fall into old ways and try to take over… but he knows how to pull me back to where I need to be.  I am so thankful for him. He is my rock.

impressions

People leave impressions on one another.  No matter how we shape it, we shape each other.

It is impossible to share your life with someone and be unchanged by them.  I know I’ve been changed by Ben.  We’ve molded our lives around each other.  Honestly.. I’d have it no other way.

But what about all the other people that have walked through my life?  How did they aid me in who I am today?

My first girlfriend was my best friend of many years.  It was her that made me realize I was bisexual.  I’m not saying I’d never have discovered that had it not been for her, I’m just saying she was the first girl I was attracted to.. that I had feelings for.  Unfortunately… or maybe fortunately… it lasted only a few months.  I did learn from her that I preferred men much more than women.

My children have changed  me forever.  They make me strive to be a better person.. to have more so that in turn they will.  I don’t think I could really fathom how much they truly affected me.  To try.. would be silly.

My ex… he gave me to ability… the chance to get away from a life that I was unhappy in.  Had it not been for him, I would have never moved to the Northwest… and in the long run would have never met my husband.

The ex after him… before he became a significant other… made me realize that I could be happy- truly happy.  I didn’t have to settle for less than what I wanted…. true happiness was within my reach.  I thought at the time he was my true happiness but I was wrong.  It didn’t mean I loved him any less.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.

These are the major players in my life… that made a difference in my world.  Love them or hate them… I can’t change their roles in my life… and I wouldn’t want to.  They led me down the road to my life today…. next to my Owner.

I feel

I love the way it feels… crawling into bed next to him each night.   I love the way his body keeps me warm when we are cuddled up on a cool night.  I love the way our feet always touch when we lay in bed… the simple way we connect and how it makes me feel.

I love the way we walk next to each other when we go out.  I love the way our arms linked together makes me feel… how much I feel like his.  I love how close we feel when we talk softly.. and make each other laugh walking down the sidewalk like we are the only ones walking down the road.

I love how after sex… we always hug and kiss before we clean up.  I love the floaty feeling I have as we connect in such an amazing way… the way his lips feel against mine.  I love wrapping my arms around him… sliding my fingers down the middle of his back.

I love the way he looks at me… the way his eyes sparkle.  I love the way he sees me.. like I am this amazing person…. and I want to be that for him.  I love the way he rounds the corner when he comes home work and sees me waiting on him… the way his eyes light up.  What could be better than that? To know he is just happy to see me.

I love the way it feels to wake up to him in the mornings.  I love the way it feels to reach out and know he’s next to me.  I love the way it feels to start off my day next to him.. like I’m ready to take on the world.  I love when that lazy morning turns into sleepy sex… and even more so when we fall back asleep after.

Simply put… I just love him.

the roads we take

I was on Facebook last night and an old school friend of mine had posted a link to something I thought was genius! I followed it and read it (linking back to it now made me see that its a family site which is funny since this is the total opposite) and thought it would make for a great blog post.  Basically… its about thinking about (or writing) 100 ways the events in your life has shaped you.  Now I do not have the time to list out the things that the article talks about… so I decided to focus on one and write about it.

I think that out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life… all the things that has happened to me, the one thing that shaped my life the most was moving to Washington.  I was 19… it was the middle of November when my ex and I decided to pack our life up and move.  I was at the end of the worst part of my life thus far… I was dealing with the emotional wreckage of it all.  I hated Alabama… I’d spent my whole life there.  I didn’t feel tied to what was supposed to be home.

All I had there was my Mother (who was the large driving force to get away) and a few close friends.  It wasn’t enough to keep me there by any means.  I needed a fresh start.. some place I could shape myself into who I wanted to be… not who I had become.  And so the decision was easy… my ex wanted to come home to Washington.. and I wanted out.  We packed up our little apartment, the cat, and the kiddo and trekked across the country.  We made it in three days… driving through snow and ice storms.  Looking back.. I wonder why I wasn’t more scared.  I was leaving behind the only life I ever knew… to go some place I’d never been.  Who knew it would turn out to be the best decision I ever made?

This even set in action all sorts of things…. these ripples would become my life…. that would put me smack dab in the middle of right now.  Other than the obvious changes… my road wasn’t apparent then.  I still lived the way I had before… still settled for less than what I wanted.  I had no clue really about my submissive side.  In the back of my head I knew I wanted rough sex.. but it was less than clear.  It would take the course of five years before that came to light.  Its funny how such a major decision can impact world so slowly.

See.. the thing is.. had I not moved, I woudn’t have met my first Dom.  Which makes me wonder if that would have happened at all… would the even still take place even if I lived somewhere else?  I most certainly wouldn’t have met Ben… and that thought… is terrible.  Life is just a string of events isn’t it?  One melts into another and before you know it… you’ve lived your life.  It’s funny to me that one decision can impact the rest of my life so much.  I can’t imagine I would be where I am had I not moved.  I am almost for certain I wouldn’t be in a wonderful relationship that fulfills me.  I could very well still be living a vanilla life… miserable with how things were.  I don’t want to even begin to think about that.

At the end of the day.. I am thankful I had the courage to change my world.  It forever shaped the path my life would take… the road that would lead me to the man I would one day marry… and subsequently be collared by.  We live in a funny little world… I’m just glad that this funny little world makes me every so happy.