Tag Archive: death


picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

the end of something

Things have been pretty busy around our place this month.  It seems like the holidays are always like this.. never enough time to do anything.  It didn’t help that in this mix was thrown the death of Ben’s Mother.  So it seems like we have been scrambling to get everything done.   It’s been far too long since I’ve posted… I just honestly haven’t had the time.  I was excused from my posting till I could get a moment to do it in.

In this time.. some things have transpired for Ben.  He had been talking with this girl for some time.. and some strong feelings had grown between the two of them.  She had a few hang ups and it was causing the budding relationship not to move forward.  For me, I was anxious for him… wanting him so badly to have what I share with Issac.  I would occasionally ask if things were moving in the right direction but it always seemed it was stagnent.  She always wanted to get to know him better… there was always something going on with her.

To me… it seemed weird.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to make time for something good in your life… to have someone to lean on through the rough times.  Maybe I’m different, I don’t know.  What I do know is just tried to be supportive and understanding.  I was growing impatient for him though… and I think at times he was seriously growing tired of it as well.  He had invested a lot of time and effort into this girl.  They have known each other for over a year… and have been working towards a relationship since before I met Issac… so over three months.

So when we went to North Dakota and came home… things in our lives settled back into our normal routine.  We’d been home for a week when she told him that she had realized that she would never be his number one.  She didn’t know if that was what she wanted or needed out of her life.  She complained that she had never been anyone’s number one.  To me it seemed like an excuse…. but if it’s not.. that is fine.  I was very angry though… because to me… it felt like she had used him as an emotional crutch.  He was someone that filled her time… that would dote upon her.. give her attention and be there when she was down.  He filled the boyfriend role without actually getting the perks of being the boyfriend.  If it was true that she needed more than to be someone’s someone special… I am fairly certain she has always known that.  It makes me very upset that she led him on.  All this time, wasted.  He deserves better.

We didn’t talk about it much.. we were both at work when he showed me this.  I was pissed.  I fumed all day.. and into the evening as I was getting ready for playtime.  He wanted to go on like nothing had happened.. and in my eyes.. I didn’t see how that was possible.  How could he not be angry?  How could he go on… business as usual?  My mind was spinning… and I was trying to make sense of it… to reach out to him.. to protect him.  I kept thinking to myself she was lucky I am not a crazy person… because wanted to tell her just what I thought of her.  I didn’t- but I wanted to.

When he got home… the night spiraled out of control.  Somehow we started talking about what had happened.  He had decided he was going to still talk to her and be her friend, which I thought and still do think is a terrible idea.  How can wounds heal that way?  I don’t think they can.. but that is just my thoughts.  There were tears on both our parts.  I was still so angry for him.  I felt this intense wave over me that just screamed that I needed to protect him.  It was kind of surreal.  Who knew I’d have that sort of reaction? I certainly think its a good one.  He seemed to think so too… just by the look on his face as I poured my heart out about how I felt.

He told me he really liked her.. and I just wanted to make it all better for him.  He also said he missed his Mom.  Too much all at once… I could feel the weight on his shoulders… and I wanted to lighten the load.  I didn’t know how to.. but to hold him… be there for him.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  Sometimes we just have to work these emotions out for ourselves.

The whole night there was a dark cloud over us.  It had ruined playtime for us.  It was another reason for me to be angry with her.  Yes, she has a right to bow out of this… she has a right for it not to be the thing for her, but she could have done it sooner… before he was so emotionally involved.   I know women… and I know how they think.. she knew.  She knew that this wasn’t going to work for her.  And it’s bullshit.   But you know, it is her loss.  She will not find a man very easily that will be as committed, patient, and caring as he was to her.  She never deserved him.

 

loss and the road trip

Where to start?  It has been one hell of a week.

Last Sunday I didn’t wake up thinking I would be on my way to North Dakota by that night.  I woke up thinking it was going to be just like any other day… that the next day I’d be going to see Issac.  The reality of that day would be very different than I had anticipated.

It was around 10 am when my phone rang.  It was Ben.. I thought he had just taken an early lunch.  I answered cheerfully… and was met by very distressing news.  Ben was crying.. and told me that his Mom had passed away.  My stomach flopped… how was this even possible.  He had just talked to her a few days before… on Thanksgiving and she was fine.  I mean, she had some medical issues but she was fine.

The phone call was short… he said he was coming home.  My mind swam… she was 1,200 miles away… what were we going to do?  I finished up what I needed to do and left work as well.  As it turns out we both pulled into the driveway at the same time.  I got out of the car immediately and went to him.  As soon as he got out of the car.. I hugged him.  I cannot describe how hard it is to see the person you love so completely devastated.  It tore me up to see him like that.

We got home at around 11 am.. and by 3 pm we were on our way to North Dakota.  The plan was to drive there.. clean up her place and settle any bills and such while were there… then head home.  We had a very short period of time to get it all done so we could get back and go back to work.  We left the kids with their grandparents to make this trip easier.   His Dad came along with us… we took his truck because it is a 4×4 which came in handy when it came to going over the passes and moving some of the stuff out of her place.

The trip over was terrible.  In fact, the whole trip was terrible.  His Dad drove us both nuts.  He’s a nice guy but has a lot of annoying character traits.  I was so ready to boot him out of the truck it was ridiculous.  I had earbuds in almost the whole time just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his voice or his poor choice of music.  When it came time to let him drive.. well lets say, I was scared for my life.  Imagine a little kid sitting in a car pretending to drive.  Well that’s his Dad.  He jerks the steering wheel back and forth which causes him to weave all over the place.  It is amazing to me that he hasn’t killed anyone.. or himself.. or had a wreck of any kind.  It was terribly scary… and we had him drive as little as possible.

We got to North Dakota around 10 pm on Monday.  It was a very long drive and we were really tired.  We met up with the neighbor who had found Ben’s Mom.  She let us into the apartment…. and when inside I realized what kind of task we had in front of us.  She was very much a pack rat… that collected all sorts of things.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very clean person.. but the amount of stuff was overwhelming.

We hadn’t been there fifteen minutes when the first family member showed up.  Ben’s uncle and his crazy girlfriend.  They would end up following us to have dinner and invite themselves to sit with us.  It was all a bit much to take in for the driving ordeal we had just had.  The other brother and girlfriend would show up the next day.  Both thoroughly pissed Ben off very early on.

Over the next couple days there was all sorts of stuff going on… lots of emotions… lots of stress.  There is something interesting about becoming the rock for your Owner.  That is what he needed… and it was very taxing on me.  I had a few moments where I felt totally overwhelmed.  There was some tears on my part from all of this… that came and passed quickly.  I didn’t have time to wallow in my own shit.  I had to be the strong one.. and I had to be the driving force behind getting stuff done.  I’ve been through some really hard stuff… but this certainly topped the charts.  It was a hard situation all around.

All of this was done and over with by Thursday morning.. we pulled out of town by noon.  I cannot tell you how relieved I was to be back on the road… back on my way to home.  I missed my home.. missed my children.. missed my cats… missed Issac… I missed my phone having proper service.  I so wanted our lives to go back to normal.  I knew how tiring and terrible the trip home would be… but it was worth it to go home.  I was tired of all the crappy food… the hard beds… just yeah.. everything sucked.

The strain of the trip and how busy we were took it’s toll on all of us.  I could feel the space between Ben and I.. even though he was close enough to touch.  It was distressing to say the least.. but I knew as soon as we were home… we would reconnect and all would be well again.  And so, I didn’t dwell on this… just held onto the prize at the end of the journey.

We finally pulled into town last night at around 7 pm.  I was excited to see our cats… the kids were at their Dad’s.  We walked in… and we only saw two.  We searched the house over… only not to find the third one.  We searched outside for a hour… after tears had fallen and the worst was feared.  We didn’t find her.. and we were heartbroken.  After the week we’d had… hadn’t we endured enough? This was so not fair.  I’d take another week away if it meant she was home.

Then Ben went into our room and saw a flash of gray.  We had no idea where she was hiding… but there she was.  We were so relieved.  But we were spent.  It was all too much.  We had worked too hard… dealt with too much… and now it was time to finally just be.  It is amazing the amount of stuff a person can handle.  We are such resilient creatures.  I just hope we never have another experience like this.  Ever.

So today… I am still exhausted.  I could sleep another ten hours easily.  I am just simply worn out… but Ben and I have found one another again just as I thought.  I love him so… and I would do it all over again.. because that’s what you do for the people you love.  Sometimes you have to be someone’s rock and let the storm rage against you in order to protect them.  It just goes to show you how versatile our roles have to be.  He can’t always be the one that takes the lead… sometimes he needs me to.  It doesn’t make him any less in charge…. it just makes us a couple that loves one another… that doesn’t fit anyone’s mold but ours.

There is so much that happened… it would take me forever to share.  These were the major bits.  The rest will fade into the past… and stay there.  All we can do now is move forward.  Me? I am just happy to be home.