Tag Archive: kinks

I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.


where did THAT come from?

I follow many blogs.. as well as many photo blogs on tumbler.  I find a great deal of many hot pictures that I forward Ben’s way.  He brags to the guys at work about how his wife sends him porn… every day.   I love finding things that speak to me… and that I know will speak to him.  One day a couple weeks ago I was going through said blogs… and stumbled across a picture that for the life of me, I cannot find again.  So I’ll try my best to describe the picture I found.

In the image there was a guy in a suit smoking a cigarette… which his woman kneeling at his side… arms extended holding an ash tray.  I stopped and stared at this image for several minutes.  I could feel a familiar twinge in my groin… and I was shocked by this.  I am not a smoker… and I am not a fan of smoking.  When I met Ben, he smoked.. and quit for me.  All on his own.. simply because he knew how much I hated it.  He occasionally has cigar at poker parties we have or in Vegas.  He always brushes his teeth when he is done so I don’t have to deal with what is left on his breath.  It’s a nice give and take for both of us I think.

So why was this image calling to me?  I saved it and sent it to Ben telling him about how it had oddly turned me on… and that I wanted to do this.  It wasn’t about the smoking… it was about serving him in any and every way possible.  It was about the power of him smoking when he wants… in front of me…. and me waiting on him to catch the ashes he would discard.

When he wrote back he said it would indeed be hot but wouldn’t want the house to smell like that.  Some how we ran with the idea… about being in the garage… him smoking a cigar… me sucking his cock while he did so.  It made me tingle all over… even if I was still shocked by it.  It all played out in my head and a longing for it grew.  So much of me wants to serve him in so many ways… from mundane to unorthodox.   Trying new things… serving him in those ways, titillates me.

I think it speaks volumes about my submission to him.. and how deep it has gone.  Will this little fantasy ever come to bear fruit?   And if it did, would it be as hot as I imagine it?  I have no idea.  Either way.. it is fun to think about… and still makes me wet between my thighs.

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

I guess kink has helped me embrace change and trying new things.  I am not good with change and never have been… but with kink, I’ve found myself welcoming it with open arms.  I think that is a great improvement.  I feel like it’s helped me grow as a person.. know myself better… enriched my character.  There is something awesome to be said about a person who knows themselves and what they want.  I can say that I totally know myself. Obviously I’m changing and evolving everyday… but I could describe myself to a tee… and it line up with someone who knows me well probably pretty close.  That is faults and all.  So kink, thank you very much!

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Gosh, where to start?  I think there are a lot of worthy misconceptions about the kink community at large that I could cover here.  I think I’m going to go with one that is close to home.  I think a lot of people feel like that being kinky makes you a bad parent.  This is just ridiculous!

The average kinky parent keeps their kink separate from their child or children.  Sex has no place in a kid’s world.  It is an adult thing… and so any responsible adult doesn’t bring up their sex life with their kids, let alone their kink.   I don’t see why anyone can’t see how that this is one in the same thing.  If being kinky makes you a bad parent, then so would having sex.  I can’t see the average person giving up sex.

There is a time and place for everything.  Obviously some kinks are hard to do when kids are asleep.. which isn’t so for vanilla sex (unless you have a child that doesn’t like to stay in their own bed!), but it something you can work around.  Kinky parents make time to take care of their children and themselves.  Taking care of yourself as a parent is important because its easy to get focused on the kids.  A vanilla mom takes time out to get a pedicure or lunch with friends.  A kinky dad takes time out to get a spanking.  You get the generalizations.  🙂  The point is… it doesn’t make you a bad person or parent to be kinky.  Everyone has the right to take care of themselves as long as they are doing it responsibly.

People are complex… vanilla or kinky.  Liking getting whipped doesn’t change being a good parent… it doesn’t change that you’re there to tuck them in at night, help with homework, or listen to any problem they have.  It is actually possible to do both.  Go figure.

30 Days of Kink-Day 16

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I think that the biggest thing to me is that so many people think I’m different because I like really rough sex.  Not everyone I’ve encountered understands it, much less embraces it.  The thing is that I really don’t care what people think of me and what I do.  I’m okay with being different.  If everyone was the same, it’d be a really boring world, no?

Oh and let’s not forget that having a kinky side can be a pain.  (Heh).  With vanilla sex, it can happen anytime anywhere (usually privately though).  A lot of the stuff I like to do has to be done when we are alone.  Our play time always happens on the weekend when the kids are away and noise isn’t an issue.  Sometimes I really want a spanking but it has to wait till we have alone time.  It can be frustrating because spankings always help me relieve stress.

Anyways.. this is a short one.. I’m beat.  Too busy.. not enough down time.

30 Days of Kink-Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Most of the things I’ve been interested in.. we’ve tried.  There are a few exceptions to that… but I’m only going to talk about one of those here.  I think it would be interesting/fun to try kitty or puppy play.  It would be cool to be down to an animal mentality of just following direction and just being.

Plus.. I think having a tail butt plug would be really awesome.  🙂

I don’t really have a reasoning behind why it think it’s intriguing… but I do.  Maybe there is something a little degrading about being put on that level.  Like being told to hump his leg like a little bitch… yeah.. that’s kind of hot.  Oh and the collar… one that would be just for this specific play.  Sort of one of those things that gets me into the mindset of what we are doing.

This isn’t really a concrete thing… more of an abstract idea in my mind.  It finds it’s way into my thoughts from time to time.  I’ve written Ben erotica based off this… going to a pet store and buying the collar.  Yeah.. I was slightly wet after I was done writing it.  Fantasies are good. 🙂

30 Days of Kink- Day 2

Day 2: List your kinks.

I like to think of myself as a kinky person… but when it comes to actually listing the things that make me kinky… well that’s a different story.  It’s a bit of work…. like telling someone you’re a good person then being asked what makes you that.  I feel like I just am… and so describing it is hard.  There’s a kink checklist out there… but I think I’m going to go with the big ones and not outline everything that turns me on.  I’ll try my best!

Well I think we should start out with my number one thing… pain.  I make no secret of how much I love pain.  I love a good spanking.  My favorite implement is the cane.  There is something about pain that just does it for me.. that I crave.  I love for Ben to push me past my comfort zone out into uncharted territory.  I long for the head space that only a good beating can give me.

Another big thing for me… is control… or lack there of.  There is nothing like feeling his control over me…. it goes straight to my cunt and makes me ache for him.  My go to for getting myself off… is imagining him watching me rub my clit.  He talks to me… asking questions and making him repeat things that make me slightly uncomfortable.  There is something so sexy about it.  I love knowing that all he has to do is tell me… and I’ll do it.. struggle or not.  It’s incredible really… giving over so much power to another person.

Lately, my big interest has been objectification.  I think it’s a wide range of stuff… but my biggest pull is being used.  I love being used for Ben’s pleasure… just being holes for him to get satisfaction from.  It’s one of those things that just drives me insane.  It turns me on so much but I struggle with it because I want to be taken care of too because of that.  It’s addicting though.. and I look forward to each time he brings this out to play.

Anal is another big one for me.  Several years ago it was one of those things I would do.. but never crave.  Now is completely different.  I love anal.  I love it with and without lube for different reasons.  I love my nJoy plug.  I love Ben stretching my ass.. training it to take his cock with little effort.  We’ve come so far in this.. it’s rare when anal is painful for me now which I think is the change for me in my feelings towards it.

So there’s my biggies.  There’s other little things.. but I really wanted to focus on the ones I like the most.   In the future I’m sure we will develop others as we both really love trying new things.  After all, don’t we all grow and change?