I’ve been feeling the pressure of the holidays and all the stuff that’s been going on with Ben.  It’s been weighing on me… and it was only a matter of time before I had a melt down.  We put up our tree about two weeks ago.  I had worked earlier that day and left in a really good mood.  I wasn’t grumpy in the least bit, which was quite surprising since I’m tired almost all the time right now.

I was making dinner and it was all ready six o’clock… and I was starting to feel the pressure to be able to get the tree up before the kids’ 8:30 pm bedtime.  I asked Ben to put up the tree so that we could jump right into decorating after dinner.  He didn’t feel like it… and so he didn’t.  Admittedly, it annoyed me.  Putting up the tree is always a source of stress for me.  I dunno why… I think it’s the perfectionist in me.    But every year it happens.. I get stressed and then cranky.  I was hoping that he would help ease some of that… this didn’t happen.  In his defense, I am not sure he realized (remembered?) that the tree decorating makes me feel that way.

In any case, after dinner… he and I set the tree up.  It was like night and day.  I went from relaxed… to super grumpy.  I knew I was being grumpy.. I just couldn’t stop myself.  I was utterly annoyed.  Once we got the tree standing I sat.. to wait for him to get the lights on… he didn’t.  I lost it.  It was ridiculous how I acted.. and I am not proud.. but yeah… there was my melt down.  I got really mad that he didn’t do the lights.  He said he didn’t know what I wanted him to do next… in which I replied in the tune of something snarky.  Sarcasm poured from my lips about how he’d never decorated a tree before.  This is where he stopped me.. and took me to our room before I really got of hand.

I argued with him.. lost in my anger… forgetting my place.  He finally had enough of my crap and left me in our room.  I didn’t bother to follow… I was pissed.  As soon as he left.. I felt terrible.  I knew what an ass I was being.  I felt terrible that I had treated him that way.. that I was ruining putting up the tree.  How could I not control myself?  It didn’t matter that I was under stress… I should still remember that he deserves my respect.  I laid down on the bed and cried.

He left me in our room for a bit before he came back in.  Ben came in and hugged me from behind.  I told him I was sorry… and I think he knew I really meant it.  I am sure he know why I was behaving that way too… which is probably why he was more understanding than he should have been.  I had hit my limit.  I knew I had.  Being the rock and working so much had finally taken it’s toll.  It was no surprise I cracked.

I pulled myself together and went to finish the tree with the kids.  I never found my good mood again… but I managed to get through the decorating.  I am sad that it went the way it did.  I wish so much that it hadn’t been how I melted down.  There is nothing I can do about it now but try to do things different next time.  I need to learn how to deal with my stress in other ways… and to go to Ben about it instead of taking it out on him.  In the end, I am only human and can only try to be the best version of myself.  He loves me no matter my flaws.  I am thankful to have such a loving and understanding Owner.  I don’t know how he puts up with me sometimes.

And so.. this is my Christmas story this year.  I think that so much of the world portrays the holidays as this happy time.. but the truth is.. sometimes there are bumps in the road.  Yes, there are good times.. but there are times that aren’t always pretty.  It’s taken some time for me to find my Christmas spirit this year but it has shown up.  I am excited for tomorrow and seeing the kids open their presents.  I love the holidays, but I am most certainly glad they are wrapping up.  I need some down time!

At any rate.. I am thankful to have my health… to have my family.. to have Issac.. to have a job- I am blessed.  Not everyone can say that this holiday season.  And so it’s with such happiness.. that I wish all of you a very happy holiday season, which ever one you celebrate.  I hope it’s the best one yet.. and filled with many good memories to cherish for the years to come.

Merry Christmas! XOXO

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