Tag Archive: sickness


a day in the life of…

So we’ve been in our new place for three weeks now.  I love the new place… it looks awesome and feels like home.  I’ve been at my new place of work almost three weeks now… and it’s been… an experience.  It’s been a bumpy ride so far.

I have been working my butt off to be honest… and have more work than I can handle by myself.  I running from the moment I show up.  It’s really stressful.  Not to mention that I get split days off… so it seems like I never have any down time.  I am tired all the time.  This, of course, interferes with home.  I go and go…. and I feel like I’m about to drop around 8 at night.  I just have no time.

So this means not a lot of time for play…. and really our dynamic has kind of fallen to the side.  We keep trying to restart… it’s just not happening.  Something always comes up… work… or being sick… etc…. and honestly, it’s frustrating.  I think in the last three weeks we’ve had sex three times.  It’s just really crappy.  I miss it… but I’m not going nuts over it like I normally would. That is cause I am overworked… and my brain is always on the go.

Part of me feels like… I just don’t want to go back to our dynamic.  I don’t see how I have time to all the extra stuff that entails.  When will I have time for that? I just don’t know.  I want to go back to playtime as well… but I fell ho hum about that too.  Deep down I miss it… but I don’t have that driving desire to have play time.  I’m sure it will be one of those things that once I do it again, I’ll get that playtime buzz.  Right now… I just don’t feel that way.  I am so worn thin I don’t have much more to give.

I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like being so tired… and I most certainly don’t like having sex once a week.  I just… ugh!

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rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

the best laid plans…

So Ben and I have been alone most of this week… and will be until Sunday.  The kids went with their Grandparents to visit family in Oregon.  I was truly looking forward to this time… especially since it meant we could could have more outward D/s stuff going on.  It was going to be awesome.  But as anything in life.. we hit a bump… Ben got sick.  He picked up my bronchitis.. and hasn’t been feeling well at all.

He went to the doctor and is still finishing up his medicine… but it severely cut into any plans we had.  We’ve taken it with stride… and dealt with it.  His health is our priority.  He has been feeling better the last couple days and so it’s lent to being able to do a little more.  I hope by the weekend that he will be much better.

Needless to say.. an opportunity like this has never presented itself… so it’s a bummer that life, as always, got in the way.  It’s a good lesson to take things as they come and deal with them.  You never know what is coming your way.  Hopefully the next couple days will hold a few fun times for us… but if not… at least he is on the mend.   I swear.. we sound like sickly people!

Punished- 10

I think some times as people we become complacent.  Admittedly.. I have become that… complacent… in my position as Ben’s slave.  It wasn’t on purpose by any means… merely the product of a set of events that have been in  motion for over a month.  It started when we went on vacation… and then fell ill right after we got home.  It was hard to keep up all the things I needed to do… and Ben took pity on me.  It was what needed to happen… in order for him to properly take care of me.  A broken and sick slave does no one any good.  I needed to heal… and given time.

This is all fine and dandy… had I resumed the same mentality that proceeded our vacation.  Somewhere in this… I hadn’t forgotten I was his slave… I just… became lazy.  It was easier to let things that I am do to fall to the side.  He wasn’t paying attention it seemed… (though in hind sight… I’m sure he was) and so it must not be important, right?  Well obviously it is important.. or he wouldn’t have made it a rule or task.

As of late, I’ve been forgetting more and more about my plug then asking to make up the time the following day.  I’ve taken advantage of his generosity in this.  Did I do this on purpose? Maybe a little.  To be honest, wearing my Njoy everyday is a bit daunting.    Sometimes I down right hate doing it.  I see the purpose in it… it was proven to me on our vacation.  I didn’t take my plug (with permission) on our trip because it just wasn’t practical.  When we came home and ended up having anal sex… it hurt so much more than in it had in a very long time.  My Njoy helps the pain a lot… more than I had realized.  So not only does this make my Owner happy… but it serves a very good sexual purpose for us both.

Last night.. was no exception.  I have been so busy lately trying to get the kids ready for going back to school, photographing a wedding and now editing said pictures, working, on top of all my household duties… its been a bit much for me.  I’m exhausted everyday.  Yesterday I went back to zumba finally after like a month off.. I had missed it so.  I didn’t get home till 6:30 and then had to make dinner and such.  I finally sat down around 8 or 8:30.  Before I realized it I had lost my window to wear my plug for two hours.  I asked Ben to make up my time tomorrow… he replied “triple time tomorrow”.  I tried to object… I was shocked… pouty… and mad.  It wasn’t fair.  How was I going to fit in time for that?  I didn’t object long before I realized I wasn’t going to win… just shut up and deal with it.  No reason to make the situation worse.

By bed time.. I was kneeling.. waiting for him to allow me in bed.  And he brought it up.  How long had it been since I had done a blog post.  I knew I had went over… I had told him I was going to do one on Monday I believe.  I failed to do so.  I had actually thought about it after the plug fiasco, but honestly, I was so tired from all that I’ve been doing it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  In my head I put it off for the next day and forgot about it.  But here we were… I was being  called out for it.  I was wrong… I knew I was wrong.  But didn’t he understand?  I’ve had so much on my plate, surely he would understand.

This is where a relationship like ours isn’t fair.  It is up to me to make it work.. or bring it to him to help me sort it out so that I can successfully do all that I am required to do.  I didn’t do that… I didn’t do anything in fact.  He asked me how many days it had been… I couldn’t tell him exactly.  I didn’t know.   He pulled me up and bent me over the bed.  I was inwardly outraged but obediently took my punishment.  He added up the three days that I had lapsed and hit me those three times with the hanger.  It’s not often I cry from a punishment but I felt the tears well up in me… and spill out of my eyes.  He pulled me to him… and I didn’t want him to touch me.  I was actually angry with him.  I am never angry when he punishes me but repentant.  I didn’t think this was fair at all…. even if I knew it was earned.  (Did I mention he is sick?  Yeah… bad slave that misbehaves so that her Owner has to punish her while he feels like crap).

He told me to get into bed and I asked if I could go blow my nose.  He said okay and I disappeared. I shut the bathroom door behind me and cried silently.  I didn’t want him to know I was so angry at me… because that leaves me vulnerable.  If I hadn’t been mad, I think I would have responded differently.  For a split second… I was pissed that our relationship was this way… and I didn’t want it to be anymore.  This was just wrong.  And then… almost instantly I knew I would regret that.  It’s amazing the things that being upset will make you think.

After I composed myself I climbed into bed and laid down… saying nothing.  I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what was going on in my head… again… bad slave.  He turned off the light… and as always… can tell read me like a book.  He inquired.  I had to admit I was angry with him… and he explained why he had punished me further.

He brought up an incident that happened the other day.  I had came home and he was no where to be seen.. I called out for him.. waiting at the door for him.  He said he was in the bathroom and would be out in a second.  Instead of waiting.. I just took it upon myself to decided I didn’t need to wait for him.  He never said anything… but apparently it was noticed.

He told me that he felt I needed a reminder of my place… and in all honesty.. I think he was completely right.  Even if I agreed with him and saw his rationale of this… I was still mad.  It surprised me that I was so upset… so inwardly defiant… even if I was outwardly obedient.  I just couldn’t get past being upset with him… and so I went to sleep… unhappy.

I woke up this morning and planned for today to be a better day.  I had six hours of plug wearing ahead of me… and I didn’t want to have to wear it to zumba.  The only option was to take it work with him… and so I packed it in my bag to be inserted a little later.  I followed through.. sending Ben proof that I was indeed wearing it.  I got a “good girl” and went about my day.  I wasn’t angry anymore.  I knew where I had messed up… and totally understood why I was in trouble.  Has my punishment worked?  Well I did my plug time and wrote my blog post… so I guess it has.  I hope it continues to be that way cause I hate being on his shit list!

I feel… blah

I haven’t felt much like a slave lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with my recent illnesses.  In a way, I feel a bit lost.  Usually I have this burning desire to serve my Owner… to feel that ownership overpowering me… but that desire seems to have become a mere glowing ember.  I know it’s still there underneath all the crap that is going on but I’m having difficulties getting back into the swing of things… back into that thought process I normally have.

I know all relationships have their ups and downs…. people fall in and out of love… and so I know that our dynamic is no different.  Not feeling that desire doesn’t change that I am owned but I want that feeling back.  I want to long for the nights of play…. for waiting on his every whim… for all of it.  What I feel now is exhaustion.  I feel ho hum about everything right now… just getting through the days to get to the next.  I keep waiting to feel normal again… and that seems to be what I’m doing.  Just waiting.

I know it’ll come… it always does.  There’s always that upswing moment and I feel like a breath of fresh air has enveloped me.   I figure if I push myself just a little to encourage that upswing again I will get there sooner.  It’s got to be better than wallowing in my own disappointment.  I wish I could describe my thought process and feelings better.  I’m struggling with trying to convey what’s going on upstairs.  I just don’t feel right.  I know that I want what we have.. that is not the question here.  I don’t know what I need to kick this sort of funk.

Yesterday I talked to a mutual friend of ours.  She had originally met Ben and became my friend along the way because she needed a woman’s advice… a submissive’s advice.  She’s a lovely person and I really enjoy chatting with her about anything.  Anyways… when we met she desired above anything to serve her husband… but he couldn’t really wrap his brain around the idea.  Between Ben and I… we helped foster a change in their relationship.  Ben had was skeptic that he still really understood the gravity of owning his wife but did what he could to help answer any questions he had.

As far as I knew, it was going along quite well.  I would ask from time to time how the D/s was going and she always seemed upbeat about it and such.  I was happy that she had finally got what she had wanted for so long.  Only, I think a lot of it was an illusion.  She asked me yesterday if I ever acted out to get punished in which I said a resounding no.  We talked back and forth for a few about it and it came to light that he still really wasn’t stepping up to the dominant plate.  My heart sank… I felt so terrible for her.  I wanted so badly to hug her tight cause I knew how much her heart was breaking over it.  She doesn’t have any options but to accept the fact she isn’t going to have the lifestyle she wants… as she loves her husband and leaving is not an option.

It made me grateful that I have the relationship I desire… and ashamed at the same thought because in a way I take for granted what we have… how special it is.  I think it makes it harder to feel kind of glum about it too… because not everyone is lucky enough to have what they want.  I’m not really sure if any of this is making any sense… as it’s just one of those rambley kind of posts that is meant to be mental vomit…. to allow for internal discovery.   Does how I am feeling make any sense?  Probably not.  BUT…. it doesn’t make it any less real.  Does it mean I love Ben any less?  Heavens no!  I’m just in a valley right now… trying to put myself back together after being physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m sure I’ll be my old self before I know it.

 

sick days

It’s been a rough month for me health wise.  I’ve been sick just seven days shy of a month.. and honestly.. I am sick of being sick.  When we left for our vacation (July 19), the day we left my throat was kind of scratchy.  I chalked it up to allergies because nothing else was bothering me.  By the second day of our trip I had almost lost my voice, yet still felt fine.

When we got home I got some Claritin and all was well.  We were pretty tired from the time away and so we took it easy.  I went back to work on July 26th and started to feel poorly the next day.  I took Thursday as a sick day because I could barely move.  I suffered the rest of the weekend before finally deciding to go to the doctor on August 2nd.

She diagnosed me with bronchitis at that appointment.. gave me antibiotics and an inhaler.  She told me take a few days off from work and go back to work on Friday.  I used my sick days to relax and try to get better.  It was a slow recovery but by the time Friday rolled around I only had a cough and some congestion left.  I was feeling okay.

Saturday I took the final dose of my antibiotics and was hoping it wouldn’t be long before I felt like my old self again.  Sunday night, however, my body had other plans.  My head started killing me and I was really cold.   I woke up Monday morning with a 100.2 temp.  I went into work and did the things that only I can do and left after a hour to get to my doctors appointment.  By the time I made it to the appointment, my temperature had spiked to 102.  This time.. I was diagnosed with strep throat.

She gave me a few options medication wise and I chose the easiest (and most painful one I might add) option.. a shot in the ass.  I was kind of amazed I had strep as my throat wasn’t that sore, but what do I know.  The rest of that day I was stricken with fever after fever.  It was pretty miserable.  Today, the fevers are almost all gone, but now my throat and ears really hurt.  I’ve not been able to eat a whole lot.. not that I’m really that hungry.  I thought for sure I’d be feeling better by now.. but it all seems to be such a slow process.  Right now I’m trying to decide if I should take another day off work.  I don’t know.

All I can say is I am totally over this.  It doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to be healthy again. I’ve never been this sick for so long… and its wearing me down.   It certainly lives no time to serve Ben.  He’s been wonderful though.. looking after me and making sure I’m doing all that I need to do in order to get well.   I miss the the way things should be…. when I’m healthy.  I really hope this is the last of this crap and I’m on the mend for real this time.   I want to post about fun stuff… not miserable, sickly girl stuff.  I just want to be well… and at my Owner’s whim. 🙂