Category: trust


>Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn’t go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

  1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that… we don’t really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay…. but as far as being intimate with another… I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple… this is sharing… and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
  2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others… no pictures.. not in the same room… not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand… I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that’s just me. We are a couple… and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
  3. Past experience…. I’ve been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories… still taint my mouth. In fact… I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else’s.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn’t keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he’s not in it all the way… then I’d rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is…. really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

>wow.

>Has it really been almost a month since my last post!? It sure doesn’t seem like it. So much has been going on. May is such a busy month for my family with birthdays and get togethers. AND lets not forget about all the stress that was ever so apparent lately.

The good news is… its all over- for now. Onto busy times at work… and hopefully more peaceful, relaxing times at home. We shall see what June holds in store for us. We are working on planning our summer vacation… and its been a nightmare trying to really pin down something to do that pans out for us. I hope that soon this all works out… cause honestly, I need a vacation!

Anyway, onto other things. A couple of days ago I was IM’ing with an old, old friend from where I lived all my childhood. He and I know just about everything about each other. He came to me for advice about asking his now wife to marry him. I was honored.

So I would totally say I trust this guy… with secrets I have… or could I?

Back in the day when we met I was with my ex, but would have easily dumped him for Beau. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. This, however, did not happened and we remained friends that flirted. Nothing ever happened between the two of us.

Somehow we got onto the conversation where I told him that he probably couldn’t handle me anymore. I am a million times more sexual than I was then. I have never told him about my thirst for BDSM.

For whatever reason, that day I thought it a good idea. I had put my foot in my mouth and there was no way he was going to let me off without telling him. It took a little- scratch that-a lot of courage but I finally spilled my guts.

I told him of my liking of being dominated… my love for all the stuff that the world deems kinky. He just said cool. I was kind of taken aback about it.. and questioned that answer. He said it was cool that I knew what I liked and that I lived what I wanted. I felt like I had made a good choice telling him. In the next few minutes that would change… drastically.

He asked me if we talked dirty and all… I said yes.. and mentioned my blog without actually giving him the link. I copy and pasted a tame part of one of my posts. He laughed and said, “what are you now? A romance writer?”. I was so taken back by that comment. It cut deep and hurt very much.

This person I call my friend thought it was funny that I blogged about my life. I called him out on it… he said he didn’t mean to hurt me.. it was not his intention, but nevertheless, I was still hurt. I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

It is hard for me to share this part of my life with people I am close to. Now it will be even harder now that I’ve open myself up only be hurt in the process. I realize this is the risk I take telling someone… many people don’t understand why I would want to do this and so on.

I guess the real lesson I learned.. be my picky about who I share my deepest desires with- not everyone will accept you for who you are wholeheartedly.