Tag Archive: blog


transitions

I had a few posts in my head… ones I have intended to write about.  I had began a happy new year post as well.  I was going to do a year in review post too.  All these things I planned on doing.. and yet couldn’t actually start.. and the ones I started sit unfinished.  They’re in limbo.  Kind of like me.

So much stuff has happened.  There are so many things going on in my world that I don’t write about.  Some of it I want to share but it’s moving at such a fast pace, I don’t know where to start to even begin to do it justice.  Other things are.. just too hard to talk about.  They’re always there in my head… this huge weight on my chest.  I feel like I can’t breathe.  I keep waiting for a break to come… a little bit of fresh air to fill my lungs… and it never comes.

I felt like for sure I’d catch a break after the holidays passed.  That was a big part of my stress on top of some stuff that was going on.  Yet.. they have come and gone.. and it seems I am more stressed now than before.  It just keeps coming. When does the relief come?  I want to run away.  I want some time that is stress free and fun.  I need that.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask.  I’m tired of being the strong one… I’m tired of trying to figure out what is the right thing to do.  Does it mean I’ll stop doing that?  No.  I’ll still keep being strong and making decisions and following through.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

There are changes happening in my world… a transition if you will.  I don’t know what my world will look like when all of this comes out of the wash.  I hope it has some resemblance of what it once looked like.  Perhaps I am being dramatic.  I don’t know.  What I do know is I need a break from my life right now.  I pick somewhere warm and sunny… where I can lay on the beach and have fruity cocktails served to me with little umbrellas.  I want the biggest decision I have to make to be if I want to sun bathe or snorkel.  I want to be able to focus on me.  Unfortunately that isn’t possible and so won’t happen.

Until I can get this all sorted out… I will be taking a break from my blog.  I could be back in a week (that’s pretty unlikely)… or it could be a month.  I just don’t know right now.  Right now I know that I am unable to share my story in this forum.  It’s all too raw.  I didn’t want to leave what few readers I have hanging, wondering where I am at.  So that’s my story right now.  It’s filled with stress… however… this too shall pass.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  Nothing lasts forever.. and so I know that brighter days will be in store for me.

LOL 6!

Its upon us again… and admittedly I haven’t always joined in with the Love Our Lurkers fun.  There was always a good reason why.  BUT, this year.. I am.

I know I have a few people that comment somewhat regularly, but I know there are a ton of people that visit, read, and never say anything.  I am certainly one of those people that doesn’t post anything usually unless I have something relevant to say (which isn’t very often).  So yeah, I’d say for the most part I, too, am a lurker at large.   LOL is a perfect day to break that silence… though chances are it will be the only day something is said.  In any case, it’s cool to hear from all the people that read that never say anything.  I like knowing who is reading. 🙂

In this spirit… I’m hoping that my lurkers will come out of the darkness and say hello!  As an added incentive Ben and I have decided to throw in something fun to tempt you into saying hi.  The deal is.. you can only comment once… in the comment please introduce yourself, if you have a blog throw it in there so I may visit and check it out, how long you’ve been reading, and anything else you’d like to say.  In return… for every comment I receive Ben will administer five swats to my very bare ass in your honor.  Afterwards he’ll take a picture of the aftermath which I’ll post Friday. This is a win win all around me thinks! (I may change my mind at some point lol).  This offer will run till Friday night (November 11, 2011) at 5 pm PST.  SO!  This means get on it… comment away!  I look forward to hearing from you.  🙂

Usually Bonnie  keeps a running list of who is joining in, so pop over there and see who is playing this year!

randomness

So another week has passed.. and always.. I am shocked it’s time to post something else.  It seems like only four days has passed when it’s always been seven.  I find myself suffering with writers block.. simply cause the things that are going on in our world… I don’t think are blog worthy.  They aren’t related to our dynamic.. at least not directly.  I guess one could argue that if it has anything to do with us, then it’s about our dynamic.

So I guess I can talk about the shaft I got at my job a couple weeks ago… I can talk about the stress it caused and the tears I shed.  At the time I felt like I got a raw deal.  It was retaliation, no doubt… but what I didn’t realize then was it was a blessing in disguise.  Being transferred to a new shop was the best thing that’s actually happened to me at work in a long time.  I didn’t realize how stressed that place was making me.  I didn’t realize how unhappy I was to be there. Suddenly after three days at the new shop, I felt this weight lifted off me.  I was free of it.  It’s true… things really do happen for a reason.  And all along.. Ben was beside me.. seeing me through.. keeping me strong.

I could talk about the changes our house has seen in the last couple months.  I could talk about how Ben and I finally made the step to fully opening our relationship.  Yes.. it’s unorthodox in a Owner/slave relationship.. but it works for us.  Nothing has changed on that front… at all.  He will always own me.  That isn’t likely to change… it’s just how we interact with one another.

Ben has been talking with someone that is special to him.. and I have to say I’m really excited for him.  Things are moving slowly but he’s much more patient than I am.  I hope it works out.. he deserves all the happiness the world has to offer.  It’s funny how opening up things have brought us closer.  All of this has proven to me more than ever that he is my best friend.  It is so bizarre to sit and be able to share things about other people in our lives.  There isn’t any weirdness… and it amazes me that when you open your mind to new things.. you can accomplish anything.  It’s refreshing.

I have met someone as well… his name is Issac.  I don’t know how to describe him that doesn’t sound like gushing.  Simply put… he’s amazing.  He will be around for some time… I don’t know how much face time he will be having on this blog.  He’s around nevertheless.. whether it affects what goes on  here.. I don’t know.  He makes me happy.. that’s all that is important there.  Sometimes I think I’m super lucky… I have such a blessed life.  How did this become my life?

So yeah, I could talk about about all those things.  Both are big events… but none of them feel right to talk about it.  They’re out there now, though.  I don’t think it cured my writers block… but it serves as my weekly post.  🙂 And that my friends is… two birds with one stone!

Facebook

So I’ve decided that there are things that don’t always deserve a blog post… but that I want to share.  SO… I’ve decided I’m going to start a Facebook page for this purpose.  This may very well fail.. as maybe someone doesn’t want to know more than what they read here.  I’m going to use this as an experiment.  If it doesn’t take flight in a month… I plan on deleting my account.

On the right side you will find a button that will take you directly to my page… and by all means… add me! 🙂

Happy 1 Year to My Blog!

It’s hard to be believe that it’s been a year since I started blogging here.  So much has happened and time has passed so quickly.  It’s been a good year of growth though!  I know at times I go for days on end without blogging, but I’ve learned that I simply just don’t have enough to say to blog every or every other day.  Hell, I don’t have the time to fit that in.  Luckily Ben makes sure I keep this place updated once a week.  So it works out well.

I blogged for almost three years on my old blog… and there was a different tone there.  It started out purely a sex blog.  It was a place I shared our hotter (IMO) encounters.  It morphed into something entirely different.  I hit a place where birth control became an issue.. and so sex became an issue.  I’m sure a lot of people would think that’s crazy, but Ben isn’t too keen on condoms and so we weren’t really having much sex.  It became a big thorn in my side and made it harder and harder to share what was going on in my head.  I pulled into myself and wasn’t able to put words to anything.  I felt neglectful of my blog.

By the end I took a six month hiatus and came back.  It wasn’t for long, though.  After the good stories from my time away dried up.. I was back in the same spot.  I loved to blog…. still do.  I was just struggling to share what was going on with us.  So when we entered into a power exchange relationship…. I didn’t feel I could share that there.  It was different than I had shared there before.  Yes, it was about submission, but it was a completely different version of what I was now living.

When Ben told me that he was going to have me blog because he knew how much it meant to me, the only option was to start anew.  So I trucked my ass over to WordPress… and well… here we are a year later.  I have to say it feels good to be able to write again.  It feels good to be able to share my mind more than I was able to towards the end on TGL.  It’s nice to feel safe in sharing my life.

And so…. have some cake…. and I hope that to see all my regulars a year from now with the addition of new faces.  No matter what, I’ll be here sharing our story.  🙂

Days of kink- Day One

I was tooling around on Fetlife today and stumbled across something I found intriguing.  It was a post with a 30 day challenge.  It put forth to help rekindle a power exchange relationship.  I thought this was a great idea.. as in D/s and M/s so much of day to day life hinders being able to just be Master and slave, Dom and sub, and so forth.  Just as any relationship it takes work to stay in tune with each other and keep that bond tight.

I know our biggest challenge is time and energy.  Between us working full time jobs and raising two kids we are beat at the end of the day.  We try very hard to keep our dynamic in the front of our minds by having rules and protocols that shape both of our days.  More so me, but that’s the way I like it.

Anyways… it doesn’t mean that a 30 day challenge of this sorts isn’t a good idea.  I think even the healthiest of relationships need to stay on top of making each other a priority… making each other happy.  I don’t know if we will be joining this 30 day challenge thus far… but this post did lead me to something interesting for my blog.  Down a couple responses was a link to posting about kink in general.  I thought it was cool and so I figured that I would jump on this.  And so… for the next thirty days I’ll be answering each question on the list.  Hopefully it’ll be interesting and not mind numbing for you readers.   So here we go…

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Well this is easy… submissive, of course.  In day to day life.. I’m a bit of a control freak.. which a lot of people would say that makes sense.  I’ve topped before and it did nothing for me.  It was fun for what it’s worth, but it didn’t sexually get me going and I found myself struggling with what to do next.  I wasn’t topping for me… I was topping for the guy.  I worked off what I knew he liked.  In a way I still saw it as a form of submitting to him still…. as a service top.  Submission feeds my mind, soul, and body.  It gives me a high and sense of pleasure that nothing else ever has.  It has become so much a part of who I am… that it’s a way of defining my sense of self among all the other things that makes me, me.

What parts of BDSM interests me? I think a better question is what doesn’t interest me.  I realize that this covers a mass amount of things… but there is so much that intrigues me… that makes me want to try it and make it my own. I guess my biggest thing about it I don’t like is bondage.  It’s not that hate it, it’s more that I don’t care for it.  To me, submitting is something I do freely…. I give of myself to Ben without hesitation.  If he wants something from me… I give it.  Sometimes it’s not always the easiest thing to do… but I manage it because this is what fulfills me. I guess to me BDSM is more of what you do in play… and then there’s the separate side that is the lifestyle.  They coexist well… feeding each other in my opinion.

So there you have it.. not sure if that’s what they were looking for in that question, but that’s what I came up with.  To be continued tomorrow..

symbols

Disclaimer-Around this time last year I posted this on my old blog… and to me it has a lot of weight behind it.  It’s something I felt deeply and still do.  So much so, I decided to repost it… with a little tweak as since this post changes have occurred.

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symbol (sim-buhl)-noun: something used for or regarded as representing something else; a material object representing something, often something immaterial; emblem, token, or sign.

There are many symbols in our world.  When a person wears a ring on their left hand… generally it means that that person is spoken for… married or intent. Sometimes it’s just a sign of commitment. Either way there is a heavy weight put behind this outward statement of such an inner feeling.

For me… my wedding and engagement rings are a sign that I am married. It means that I have promised myself to my husband for the rest of my time on this Earth. I wear my rings everyday… all day. They are special to me… a part of who I am now.

When a person wears a collar… generally it means a person is owned in some form or another. The depth of such ownership is decided upon the couple. A collar is also equally as heavily weighted as a ring as it is not something that should be taken upon lightly. It’s a commitment all of its own… to be in a relationship that is ran by one partner sexually and/or in everyday life.

For me… my collar is a sign that Ben is my Owner and Master (thought those are interchangeable are they not?). We chose to make the step into a different sort of relationship dynamic together almost a year ago.  I couldn’t imagine our life being any different than it is now.  I see myself as more than just his wife… but as his submissive.. his slave.  It is not something I take lightly… as it means the world to me.  I wear my collar everday… all day. It is special to me… a part of who I am.

this is for you

So sometimes I hit a writers block… and don’t always know what to talk about here.  This happens a lot when nothing is really going on but living.  Not everything that goes on in our world is blogworthy by any means.  So this leads me to wonder just what my small little group of followers want to read.  It’s nice to have something specific to write about.  It at least gets the creative juices flowing.

And so.. I put this to you readers…

What do you want to read about?  Are there things that you’ve wondered about me.. about Ben.. about us that have never been answered?  This is your chance to ask me anything.  I’ll try my best to answer any questions sent my way to the best of my ability.  So.. lemme have it!  Do your worst!

sharing secrets

I was going to write something different…. I had started something different… and it wasn’t flowing. And then today… this came to me… it was situational. It fit. So here goes.

I find it interesting how easily I can share my most private secret here on my blog. I share it easily on Fetlife… I share it easily with other people I’ve met via the kinky community. I wish it was that easy to share with people out in the vanilla world. I wish I could tell them.. my husband and I live a D/s lifestyle… no it’s not weird… and yes we’re happy. I wish it was easy as telling them… hey we are pregnant.. or hey we’re getting married. I wish it was as socially accepted. I wish it was as socially understood.

The fact is… it isn’t accepted or understood. As women, we should want to be masters of our own universe. We should want the career and the family. So many shoulds… this world we live dictates now. This all because women’s liberation came about. Now don’t get me wrong… women’s lib is awesome. I think everyone should be free to live their life how they want, obviously. The problem I have with it is that it’s been taken to an extreme. It’s become something where all woman should want to be totally independant and so on. If that’s what floats your boat… awesome. That’s not the case for all women though. There are some women that want a man to be in charge. There isn’t anything wrong with either. I love that we are able to have the choice… I just hate that if you aren’t conforming to this modern vision of how women should be, then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t see what is so wrong with doing what works for you.. for your relationship. And why should I feel like I have to hide the way our relationship is structured? Why should feel like I would be judged?

Now why is this in the forefront of my mind right now? Today a good friend of mine and I were talking.. we work together. We were talking about crazy kinky sex. For some reason, I said something of the tune that there is a lot I hold back… that’s not necessarily about kinky sex. I told her it was more about mental stuff. She was interested.. told me I didn’t have to hold back, that even if she didn’t understand (because I said most people don’t), that she would try to. It really doesn’t surprise me that she’d say that. She’s really open minded and not judgmental… and yet even knowing that.. I couldn’t bring myself to actually tell her about our relationship dynamic. I wanted to… but she said she wouldn’t push. I just couldn’t. Once that can of worms is opened, you can’t reseal it. I’m not ready to pry open that container yet even though it’d be awesome to have someone more vanilla that I know to talk to.

In past history I’ve had pretty lucky with the things I’ve shared with my vanilla friends. Of course, the things I’ve shared are just our kinky sex stuff. That stuff is much easier to share. I like rough sex.. that’s how they see it. I may be a freak… but it’s not that strange to them. Telling them my husband owns me… yeah… that wouldn’t go over nearly as well. I remember a while back I shared with a friend my love of spanking and such. His reaction wasn’t what I expected.. and truth be told.. it really hurt my feelings. I really don’t want a repeat of that. It’s really hard to not be accepted by someone you call a friend… or family member.

I’m not ashamed of my relationship… not one bit. I wear my collar out in public all the time… even in front of my friends and family. They don’t realize what it is though…. simply because it doesn’t look like a collar. I guess what it comes down to is not wanting to being judged… not being understood. I try to accept everyone… no matter how their life is. It’s hard sometimes.. but I do try very hard. I wish more people felt that way… that would go out of their way to try to comprehend a little better. Just because something doesn’t align with their set of standards doesn’t make it wrong or weird. That’s the great thing about being human.. we are all so different. It’s high time we try to embrace each other for those differences instead of shunning them for their uniqueness.

Will I tell her? Probably… one day. The best thing about her… is I know I’m scared for no reason. She’s one of the coolest people I know. It’s just my own worries I have to get over…. my own fears.

2010.. what a year!  Every new year brings something new and unexpected… little did I or Ben know what lay in store when January 1st rolled over. I had taken my hiatus from blogging at the end of 2009… and didn’t actually start blogging again on this girl’s life until around February.. wait no, March.

The beginning of the year brought nipple piercings.  The first of many things that happened this year I never thought would. I hadn’t ever really had an inclination of wanting them. It didn’t take long before the seed Ben planted grew into a vision of something I wanted as well.  I liked the idea of getting piercings for him… it meant a lot to me to get them for him even if by the time I got them, it was for me as well.

April came… which brought our wedding anniversary. We stayed a weekend in Seattle to celebrate and had a wonderful time.  I love making our anniversaries special.. a way of reliving the day we married in different and special ways. It’s weird how I feel as Ben and I have always been together… and yet only three years of marriage had passed this year.  Though I know many people are like.. yeah… its been a lifetime in a bad way… I say this in such a good way. My life with Ben… its just so wonderful to me (pardon me as this will be another sappy post about how devoted I feel… how happy he makes me). I feel fortunate that we found each other.

May passed which brought mine and my daughters birthdays. It was a busy month… as it always is.  We had a birthday weekend celebration. Saturday kicked it off…. we had our friends over (a couple). We started out with dinner out then headed back to our place. There was booze… there was a board game (that was kind of lame)… and there was our first play session outside of just Ben and I. There wasn’t a whole lot of interaction between the two couples. We watched as our other guy friend topped his girlfriend. It was weird watching that… I had this weird sort sympathy for her.  It was a slow start to what would be our venture into a different life.

After they left… Ben and I continued drinking. I got so drunk that night. We were up till five am… me refilling his glass… and sucking his cock as he watched porn.  I felt so submissive to him that night… and little did I know that in a mere month I would give my will over to him.  That I would surrender my being to his will. It was an amazing night to say the least… I remember it well.   Sunday was spent being hungover.. though we managed to go out to dinner that night.  Monday was my actual birthday. Over all… the weekend was a success… leaving me a year older…. and running fast to a whirl wind that was about to be our life.

June rounded the corner… a date that will be something we will celebrate… for the rest of our lives.  Just as important as our wedding date.  I remember the afternoon well… the day I brought up ownership. I remember being on the couch… feeling that overwhelming submissive feeling again. It engulfed my every being from my head to my mind.  He said he’d never thought about it.. but we’d explore the possibility. On June 13th… we decided… I was his.. and there was no looking back. I have not regretted it one day since.. and I imagine I never will.

August brought vacation with the kids… and back to school. I always look forward to both. We did a variety of things for vacation this year…. but I think they were all enjoyable. Kids had a good time and that’s always important. Our washer broke down during that week… and I have a great memory of Ben and I wringing out wet towels in our driveway… laughing about how ghetto it was.  Its the little things we remember isn’t it?By the end of the month my oldest daughter went into middle school.. and I realized… I’m really not getting younger… and neither are they. Before I know it… our home will be empty and they’ll be off doing their own thing.  Changes… flashing by at crazy rate.

In September.. we had been already sticking our toe into extra relationships. By the middle of the month we had met Ashley… and made her an official part of our relationship. We had so much hope for this relationship… hopes that were never realized as by the middle of November… it was over. Such potential… completely shot out of the water.

October brought my youngest daughter’s birthday and Halloween. Another busy and stressful month. It was the beginning of a busy three month stretch of holidays.  We had a great Halloween party that was the best one we’d ever thrown.  Its strange telling all the people you know that the girl with us.. was indeed our girlfriend.. would’ve ever thought? Hopefully one day… we’ll be able to have someone else special to introduce to our friends.

Thanksgiving came and passed as did Christmas.. and now we find ourselves on the new year’s door step. I cannot believe all that has transpired this year. It has been a good year I think. I feel like we have grown so much in our relationship… as individuals. I look forward to what 2011 holds for us. What adventures and trials we will face. I look forward to growing in my submission to my Owner. There is so much I still have to learn… I know I’ll never stop learning. Whatever it brings… I will be by the side of Ben…. striving to make him happy.. to please him.   If I can do that… then I can do anything… survive anything.. all because I am his… and he loves me.  What more could I ask for?