Tag Archive: marriage


5 years and counting

This month marked our five year wedding anniversary.  Originally we had planned to celebrate it in Hawaii… but we moved instead.  When the day came that we had planned to fly there, I was most certainly bummed but as the days passed I was okay with it.  I focused on what we had planned to do.

It took me a while to decide on what we would do. I am the planner and Ben likes to sit back and show up when it’s time.  So all the planning I did was a surprise to him.  I finally decided on going to Seattle.  I booked a great hotel.. called Hotel 1000.  We would spend the weekend after our anniversary there since we had to work on our actual anniversary.

The morning of leaving.. we had some breakfast and headed north.  We made it to Seattle and went straight to the EMP.  They had some great exhibits there (a horror movie tribute, Jimmie Hendrex, and Nirvana).  It was fun to walk around and check out stuff that we both really love… scary movies and music.

From there we headed to the hotel to check in.  This place was top rate all the way.  It was by far the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in…. which says a lot since I am a bit of a hotel snob.  The service was phenomenal.  The room was really comfortable as well…. with a great bed and this awesome tub that fills from the ceiling! 

After we  dropped our stuff off we headed to Pike Place Market.  It’s a must see every time we go.  I love the energy of it.  We wandered around and found a place to have lunch.  It had a great view of the Puget Sound.  We sat by the window and opened it a bit to get some fresh air.  We were so lucky to get such great weather.  The sunshine was sandwiched some rainy days.

We walked around some more before heading back to the hotel to relax.   When we walked in, they had delivered a bottle of sparkling wine and chocolates while were out.  It was a nice touch. We stayed there till dinner.  I drew us a bath with bubbles.  We must have stayed in the tub for a hour.. drinking, chatting, and playing with the rubber duck.  It was sweet… and fun.. and romantic.  I loved every minute of it.

After we got ready and headed to dinner.  The hotel provided us transport in their town car.. which was nice not to have to take a taxi.  I had picked this steak house that I had heard great things about.  We spent two hours there…. and it was a wonderful two hours.  The meal was amazing…. and they had a few nice touches in honor of our anniversary.  They had set out confetti on the table and gave us a delicious chocolate dessert as a congratulations.

The whole day was wonderful.  It was the perfect mix of doing things and relaxing.  It was so nice to escape our everyday life and be together.

I can’t say enough about the time we’ve been together.  I couldn’t think of a better man to be with for all those years.  He has been the best husband, friend, Owner, etc. I could ever have asked for.  I love him more today than I did the day I married him… which is a whole lot.  We’ve had our ups and downs… but we’ve done it together.  We’ve grown together… learned together… loved together.  I know that this will always be the way we take on the world.  It’s just who we are.  We are devoted to one another.. wonderfully devoted.

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂

randomness

So another week has passed.. and always.. I am shocked it’s time to post something else.  It seems like only four days has passed when it’s always been seven.  I find myself suffering with writers block.. simply cause the things that are going on in our world… I don’t think are blog worthy.  They aren’t related to our dynamic.. at least not directly.  I guess one could argue that if it has anything to do with us, then it’s about our dynamic.

So I guess I can talk about the shaft I got at my job a couple weeks ago… I can talk about the stress it caused and the tears I shed.  At the time I felt like I got a raw deal.  It was retaliation, no doubt… but what I didn’t realize then was it was a blessing in disguise.  Being transferred to a new shop was the best thing that’s actually happened to me at work in a long time.  I didn’t realize how stressed that place was making me.  I didn’t realize how unhappy I was to be there. Suddenly after three days at the new shop, I felt this weight lifted off me.  I was free of it.  It’s true… things really do happen for a reason.  And all along.. Ben was beside me.. seeing me through.. keeping me strong.

I could talk about the changes our house has seen in the last couple months.  I could talk about how Ben and I finally made the step to fully opening our relationship.  Yes.. it’s unorthodox in a Owner/slave relationship.. but it works for us.  Nothing has changed on that front… at all.  He will always own me.  That isn’t likely to change… it’s just how we interact with one another.

Ben has been talking with someone that is special to him.. and I have to say I’m really excited for him.  Things are moving slowly but he’s much more patient than I am.  I hope it works out.. he deserves all the happiness the world has to offer.  It’s funny how opening up things have brought us closer.  All of this has proven to me more than ever that he is my best friend.  It is so bizarre to sit and be able to share things about other people in our lives.  There isn’t any weirdness… and it amazes me that when you open your mind to new things.. you can accomplish anything.  It’s refreshing.

I have met someone as well… his name is Issac.  I don’t know how to describe him that doesn’t sound like gushing.  Simply put… he’s amazing.  He will be around for some time… I don’t know how much face time he will be having on this blog.  He’s around nevertheless.. whether it affects what goes on  here.. I don’t know.  He makes me happy.. that’s all that is important there.  Sometimes I think I’m super lucky… I have such a blessed life.  How did this become my life?

So yeah, I could talk about about all those things.  Both are big events… but none of them feel right to talk about it.  They’re out there now, though.  I don’t think it cured my writers block… but it serves as my weekly post.  🙂 And that my friends is… two birds with one stone!

the roads we take

I was on Facebook last night and an old school friend of mine had posted a link to something I thought was genius! I followed it and read it (linking back to it now made me see that its a family site which is funny since this is the total opposite) and thought it would make for a great blog post.  Basically… its about thinking about (or writing) 100 ways the events in your life has shaped you.  Now I do not have the time to list out the things that the article talks about… so I decided to focus on one and write about it.

I think that out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life… all the things that has happened to me, the one thing that shaped my life the most was moving to Washington.  I was 19… it was the middle of November when my ex and I decided to pack our life up and move.  I was at the end of the worst part of my life thus far… I was dealing with the emotional wreckage of it all.  I hated Alabama… I’d spent my whole life there.  I didn’t feel tied to what was supposed to be home.

All I had there was my Mother (who was the large driving force to get away) and a few close friends.  It wasn’t enough to keep me there by any means.  I needed a fresh start.. some place I could shape myself into who I wanted to be… not who I had become.  And so the decision was easy… my ex wanted to come home to Washington.. and I wanted out.  We packed up our little apartment, the cat, and the kiddo and trekked across the country.  We made it in three days… driving through snow and ice storms.  Looking back.. I wonder why I wasn’t more scared.  I was leaving behind the only life I ever knew… to go some place I’d never been.  Who knew it would turn out to be the best decision I ever made?

This even set in action all sorts of things…. these ripples would become my life…. that would put me smack dab in the middle of right now.  Other than the obvious changes… my road wasn’t apparent then.  I still lived the way I had before… still settled for less than what I wanted.  I had no clue really about my submissive side.  In the back of my head I knew I wanted rough sex.. but it was less than clear.  It would take the course of five years before that came to light.  Its funny how such a major decision can impact world so slowly.

See.. the thing is.. had I not moved, I woudn’t have met my first Dom.  Which makes me wonder if that would have happened at all… would the even still take place even if I lived somewhere else?  I most certainly wouldn’t have met Ben… and that thought… is terrible.  Life is just a string of events isn’t it?  One melts into another and before you know it… you’ve lived your life.  It’s funny to me that one decision can impact the rest of my life so much.  I can’t imagine I would be where I am had I not moved.  I am almost for certain I wouldn’t be in a wonderful relationship that fulfills me.  I could very well still be living a vanilla life… miserable with how things were.  I don’t want to even begin to think about that.

At the end of the day.. I am thankful I had the courage to change my world.  It forever shaped the path my life would take… the road that would lead me to the man I would one day marry… and subsequently be collared by.  We live in a funny little world… I’m just glad that this funny little world makes me every so happy.

I feel… blah

I haven’t felt much like a slave lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with my recent illnesses.  In a way, I feel a bit lost.  Usually I have this burning desire to serve my Owner… to feel that ownership overpowering me… but that desire seems to have become a mere glowing ember.  I know it’s still there underneath all the crap that is going on but I’m having difficulties getting back into the swing of things… back into that thought process I normally have.

I know all relationships have their ups and downs…. people fall in and out of love… and so I know that our dynamic is no different.  Not feeling that desire doesn’t change that I am owned but I want that feeling back.  I want to long for the nights of play…. for waiting on his every whim… for all of it.  What I feel now is exhaustion.  I feel ho hum about everything right now… just getting through the days to get to the next.  I keep waiting to feel normal again… and that seems to be what I’m doing.  Just waiting.

I know it’ll come… it always does.  There’s always that upswing moment and I feel like a breath of fresh air has enveloped me.   I figure if I push myself just a little to encourage that upswing again I will get there sooner.  It’s got to be better than wallowing in my own disappointment.  I wish I could describe my thought process and feelings better.  I’m struggling with trying to convey what’s going on upstairs.  I just don’t feel right.  I know that I want what we have.. that is not the question here.  I don’t know what I need to kick this sort of funk.

Yesterday I talked to a mutual friend of ours.  She had originally met Ben and became my friend along the way because she needed a woman’s advice… a submissive’s advice.  She’s a lovely person and I really enjoy chatting with her about anything.  Anyways… when we met she desired above anything to serve her husband… but he couldn’t really wrap his brain around the idea.  Between Ben and I… we helped foster a change in their relationship.  Ben had was skeptic that he still really understood the gravity of owning his wife but did what he could to help answer any questions he had.

As far as I knew, it was going along quite well.  I would ask from time to time how the D/s was going and she always seemed upbeat about it and such.  I was happy that she had finally got what she had wanted for so long.  Only, I think a lot of it was an illusion.  She asked me yesterday if I ever acted out to get punished in which I said a resounding no.  We talked back and forth for a few about it and it came to light that he still really wasn’t stepping up to the dominant plate.  My heart sank… I felt so terrible for her.  I wanted so badly to hug her tight cause I knew how much her heart was breaking over it.  She doesn’t have any options but to accept the fact she isn’t going to have the lifestyle she wants… as she loves her husband and leaving is not an option.

It made me grateful that I have the relationship I desire… and ashamed at the same thought because in a way I take for granted what we have… how special it is.  I think it makes it harder to feel kind of glum about it too… because not everyone is lucky enough to have what they want.  I’m not really sure if any of this is making any sense… as it’s just one of those rambley kind of posts that is meant to be mental vomit…. to allow for internal discovery.   Does how I am feeling make any sense?  Probably not.  BUT…. it doesn’t make it any less real.  Does it mean I love Ben any less?  Heavens no!  I’m just in a valley right now… trying to put myself back together after being physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m sure I’ll be my old self before I know it.

 

30 Days of Kink- Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

If you’ve been around the BDSM community.. you will have heard this before.  I think the most important part of a BDSM relationship is communication.  Be it just a play relationship or deeper… it cannot work without communication.  The thing is though.. I don’t think that BDSM relationships differ from vanilla ones.  If you aren’t talking and expressing yourself…. it’s not going to work- be it a friendship or a marriage.

I think one of the biggest problems long term relationships run into is lack of talking.  People take advantage of the fact that their partner is there everyday.  They forget that they still need to talk about what is going on in their head and heart.  Over the years, we all change…. and a couple can change together or grow apart.  It’s a decision.   That doesn’t mean that will guarantee that the relationship will stand the test of time, but it will be easier if you’re sharing with each other inside of living separate lives… together.

Ben and I talk about everything… even when it’s hard.  Sometimes I can’t tell him to his face what is going on… and I am so glad there are other forms of expressing myself so that I can convey to him what’s going on with me.  Sometimes it’s easier for me to write it all out than actually saying anything.  Whatever way I do bring up stuff… it ends the same way…. we communicate how we feel and come up with a solution if there is an issue.  We’ve always been this way.. and because of it.. we have a great relationship.  He is my best friend.  I’d rather be with him than anyone in the world… he’s always my first choice to hang out with.  I’ve had my share of crappy relationships where there was no communication… and I can see the vast difference.

I feel really confident that as long as we continue talking… we will make it through anything.  I make the choice everyday to choose him… to choose us.  That’s the difference between a bad relationship.. and a good one.  Choosing to talk it out… and make the couple a priority.

One year collarversary!

One year ago today… I was collared by Ben.  What a ride it has been!  I have to say.. I don’t regret our choice for one second.  It has enriched our life ten fold and given me a peace that I didn’t expect.  Don’t get me wrong, I have struggled and assume I will continue to do so.  I think that’s a part of life, though.  Everyone struggles… it’s how we learn.

I think that it’s important in this life to seek out the things that complete you.. make you feel whole.  I don’t think just one thing or activity can provide that, but a network of things that fills this internal gap.  I’ve found my fillers… even if they were not found all at once.  My job is fulfilling… my kids make me proud and push me to grow as a person… and being his… well that’s something special all in itself.

I never thought that I could live as someone’s owned property.  The idea was so very foreign to me… and totally hard to understand.  I tried hard to wrap my head around the idea and understand the motivations behind making such a radical life choice.  It’s funny to me how much someone can change once you truly embrace and understand something.  What was once something that didn’t get at all became something I craved with great intensity.  I didn’t think of it every moment but it did become an idea that was in the front of my mind.

It would only take a moment of bravery to forever change the course of our marriage.  It took me telling him I wanted him to own me to bring about a difference.  The idea was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We entered into this new world with open hearts and hope to match.  The beginning saw growing pains and several punishments that took hold in my mind.  There was moments of strictness and other times filled with more slack.  Some where in there we found a good balance and still try to keep that precarious balance.

Has it been worth it?  Oh hell yes!  The feeling of being his is unlike any other.  I can’t describe what it’s like to be on my knees at his feet… looking up at him, seeing this intense love in his eyes… intense emotion… just in-tenseness.   It makes my heart soar… and my breath hitch in my chest.  I long for those moments and any struggle I have, those moments where we exist just as we should be are enough for me.   Luckily for us.. we have many moments that are special… that brings us together in our extraordinary connection.

And so… a year later.. we are going strong.  Still happy with the choice we’ve made.. looking forward to the many years that lay ahead of us.  I cannot imagine not being his slave for one moment anymore.  It wouldn’t feel right to either of us I’m sure.  I would’ve never guessed this would be my life.. but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

leaving things in the past

So, I was on Facebook earlier.. and in all the people I have as friends on there, only two of them are from my childhood.  One I’ve known since first grade.. the other since fifth grade.  Both of which I was very good friends with for many years.. just not in the same circle of friends.  As a teenager, my friends were my life.  I went through a lot of changes from around fifteen on… and not a lot of those changes were embraced by my friends.

In fact, through those short years before I became an adult, I learned who was truly my friend… and would later find out that next to no one fell into that category.  The ones that did stick by me went in a different direction than I was going… completely different.  I think it was hard for them to be there for me when they couldn’t come close to understand what it was my life had become.

And so just like that… those people who had been my world…. who I had been so close to, were strangers.  Only one of those friends on Facebook knows me now, and even he has disappeared as of late.  That’s mostly because he’s made some poor choices for his life and has caused him to be dealing with some things.  The other… well… I wouldn’t say we are friends.  We are place holders on each other’s list of lists.

I saw an update from her… which brought back memories when times were different, when we were different.  For whatever reason I decided to browse through her friends list to see what old school mates I would recognize.  I saw people that were part of the two groups I ran with.  These people I had over to my house all the time… spent the night at their houses yet over the years we dissolved from existence in our worlds.  Many of them have since married and had children.  Looking at their pictures makes me happy for them… makes me wonder if they ever wonder what happened to me…. makes me wonder if I was ever truly important to them.

It makes me think back when I was so very different… and makes me look at myself now.  Would they even recognize who I am?  I am fairly certain my lifestyle choice isn’t anything they would ever understand.  It makes me realize you can’t turn back time and recapture what the past held.  And then there’s the fact that life changes so quickly…. I look back and I can barely remember the girl they were friends with.  I don’t dare contact them… because what would be the point?  We’d talk about old times.. have a good laugh or two…. talk about our jobs, kids, spouses and then the awkwardness would set in.  Why?  Because that is all we would have left.  All there is, is what was.

It’s a sad truth but I can’t say that I regret it.  I love my life… Ben, the kids, my friends now, and my job.  I don’t think there is room left for those people from the past.  They represent something I left behind… that was both one of the best and worst times of my life.  I am a different person.. a different woman.  I don’t want to look back… but keep moving forward.  I know that I have something they may not have.   I have found my place in the world… and that place just happens to be at my husband’s feet.

a moment in time

I was sitting on the couch with Ben… he finished off his drink and shook it at me.

“Get me a drink”, he smirked at me. I got up and rounded the coffee table, grabbing his glass off the coaster.

“What do you want?”, I asked him.. looking down at him.  He smiled up at me and reached up to me.

“A kiss from my beautiful wife”, he said.  I leaned into him and kissed him on the lips.  I breathed in deep as I felt his lips press against mine.  I’ve always been a sucker for his kisses.

“What are you?”, he asked when we parted… his eyes staring into my intently.

“You slave”, I responded.. looking down slightly then looking back into his eyes.  I leaned into him as he smiled at me… our noses touching.. nuzzling each other gently.

“Do you know how happy that makes me?”, he asked quietly. I smiled back at him again.. and shook my head no.

“This happy”, he said.. smiling big… his eyes slightly misted over.  The look in his eyes.. no words could truly describe.  The feeling in my heart and soul… equally as hard to put into words.  All I know is… we make each other extremely happy.  Maybe words aren’t needed.  How can you really describe love?

the butterfly

As I was pulling into the driveway today.. I was reminded of something that happened either last spring or early summer of last year.  It was a rather unpleasant memory that wiggled it’s way in… something I have to say I’m ashamed to have been a part of.  It’s one of those things I question if I want to share, but I think it speaks volumes about the transformation our relationship dynamic has caused in me.

The motor had went out in the back driver’s side window of my car.  It had been broken for a  little bit and Ben had been taking his sweet time getting it fixed.  I don’t remember the specific events that led to this day… but for whatever reason my niece and I were out in the driveway… doing something to the window.  I was tired of driving my kids around in a car with a window that wouldn’t roll up or down.  Quite frankly it was embarrassing.  I mean after all.. all four of his windows worked in his car and so he had no idea what it was like to drive around with it like that.  I know I was probably being oversensitive about it… looking back it wasn’t as big of a deal as I would end up making out of it.

At some point the older gentleman from across the road came over.  He had retired from working on cars and offered to fix it for us.  I called Ben to tell him…. and he was less than enthusiastic about it.  He didn’t want an un-certified person working on my car.  I told him then he needed to get it fixed…. soon.. because I was tired of driving around like that.  I brought up that his windows all worked and so I felt like he kept forgetting the issue with my car.  It escalated really quick… something that is rare for us.  By the end of the phone call… I was utterly pissed off with him.  I don’t know where it came from… this irrational, angry emotion.  All I know is I was really upset and he wasn’t even seeing my side of this.  At some point I was just done and did something I never do… I hung up on him.

When he called back, I didn’t answer.  Yes, real mature.  I was angry and didn’t have anything else to say to him.  He tried again.. and maybe once more before I finally answered.  He scolded me… and then soothed my ruffled feathers.  I was still upset.. but much more calm.  I don’t know what came over me honestly.  It was a rare moment… as I don’t really remember behaving that poorly ever in our relationship.

Back to today… I was walking in the back door looking at the spot I had stood as I phoned him last year… and realized something.  I would never behave like that again.  I couldn’t fathom treating him that way now.  Not only would I be in some serious trouble… but I would also feel ashamed of my behavior immediately.  Before, I felt bad about it… but I still felt justified in being upset.  It makes me feel good knowing that the changes we have made has improved how I carry myself.  Ben deserves my respect.. he has earned it many times over.

It amazes me.  He amazes me.

I think life is a series of learning experiences…. learning what works and is right… and what’s not.  I do not have many moments where I think I’ve behaved in a horrendous way… but this was one of them.   What it taught me is that I don’t have to treat him that way…. there are better ways of getting what I want.  Treating him that way only made things worse because not only did my window still have to be fixed but then we had to talk out our issue from the fight we had.

If this had happened now… I would have thought better of it.  I probably would still be annoyed that I wasn’t getting what I needed, but it would have went down differently.  I would have just accepted that he was making the right decision about my car and be patient until he could remedy the situation.  If that’s the only thing we gained from having Ben lead our relationship… then that’s an amazing thing.  And that’s one of the many things that makes this so very rewarding.