Category: friends

>Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn’t go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

  1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that… we don’t really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay…. but as far as being intimate with another… I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple… this is sharing… and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
  2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others… no pictures.. not in the same room… not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand… I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that’s just me. We are a couple… and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
  3. Past experience…. I’ve been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories… still taint my mouth. In fact… I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else’s.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn’t keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he’s not in it all the way… then I’d rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is…. really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!


>At what point did I stop being a kid…. and make the transition into adulthood?

Big changes are going on in my family… namely, my niece graduates on Saturday. It makes me wonder if she is scared… having to survive on your own can tend to be very scary. Or at least, one would think.

He move to adulthood got me to thinking…. when exactly did I make that leap? I honestly cannot remember it. I mean, I can remember being a kid… and then it’s like all of a sudden, I’m grown up. Is that how it happens?

You’re going along… wishing to grow up… and like a flash of lightening.. you’re wishes are reality. The last true memories I have… that was me feeling like a kid was the summer I was sixteen. My first real job… one that I wasn’t helping my mother… the sense of freedom you can only feel as a teenager in the summer.

I would be gone from home for days. My best friend and I would spend out hours in her car… windows down… just driving. The only care in the world we had was where to go to next… and if we had enough time to go down to the beach on the hot summer afternoons.

I think that is the last time I truly felt like the weight of the world was not on my shoulders. My life changed that summer… looking back I can see it now. At the time, however, I did not feel it. I guess being a grown up is just something you do.. even if you don’t feel it right away.

Even so.. I miss the carefree days sometimes. I miss not having to think about bills or get up for work. Just to be able to live a day… where the biggest worry you have… is if the ice cream truck is going to come by the house or not.

I wonder if she knows what’s ahead of her?

>four weeks

>We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different… but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)… we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head… and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss… birthdays.. weddings.. holidays…. what to pick and choose… what is most important… ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here’s what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions… milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben… having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio… and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I’ve never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside… soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it

When all is said and done… it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important… but in the same thought.. they aren’t so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge… that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I’ve ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me… filled with my family… and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow… and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that… it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.

>So its very strange to me that after Sylvanus asked his question… that I get my answers… weird how that works.

Back in December… I had someone contact me from my past. After months of not hearing anything again, he messaged me back. Apparently he is married now and getting… unmarried (his word.. not mine). So I ask… what in the world was he sorry for? I mean.. people drift apart.. he owed me anything. I mean.. it was very sad it happened.. but its not like my world ended.. or that I was heartbroken for months or even years to come.

This is what I got back:

Married and working on becoming unmarried. I am sorry because of the emotional conflicts I was dealing with that I didn’t fully disclose to you during the time we related. You made a difference in my life when I needed it, and I don’t feel I returned your friendship properly. Six years in one paragraph. After we parted ways, I discovered I was eligible for a training program, and returned to college to finish up a degree in accounting. I married a woman who was a former coworker at Boeing, and who was laid off right about the time that I was. We spent the last 6 years together, and she went back to work at Boeing. She took a temporary job in Arizona, and while we were separated, we kind of well, separated. How bout you?

Ok… so great.. he apologized for misleading me? The thing is… why after all this time? What does it matter? Maybe to clear his conscience? Part of me wonders that he kind of hoped that we could see each other again.. which of course will no happen.

AND part of me wonders at the time he was holding back from me… because I was completely upfront with him about my life situation. Perhaps that’s why he apologized… knowing that he wasn’t up front with me. Either way.. it’s nice to hear from him. It is too bad that his life did not go as well as mine has… all people to should get their chance at happiness in my opinion.

So there ya have it… a conclusion to the mystery.

>Throughout my young life… I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design… but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past…. people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there’s that saying… it’s easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem… I’m having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don’t think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school… first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated… and I’m not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn’t find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me…. this was just in a long line of wrongings… and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see… this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It’s funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been “friends” for so long… been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I’ve never been able to forgive her…. she still emails me from time to time. I’m not sure what she expects… if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can’t do that… every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do… and so I won’t.

However, there is a part of me that says… its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I’ve toyed with the idea of emailing her… and forgiving her… to let it go… for me. The thing is.. I don’t want to forgive her.. I don’t want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that… out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable… it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic… but I assure you… its not.

One of them is an ex… my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time… we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship… he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave… my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out… events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell… in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won’t retell it. But.. I will tell… the third person plays into this story as well…

The good news is… out of all of this… I have learned many things… and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One’s that I trust and love… which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive… I just don’t have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I’m sure…. one I have to live with. I just wish I could.

>First off… Happy 2009… a fresh start and so forth. It feels like just another day to me… but… yeah. I hope everyone is feeling well on this rainy New Year’s Day… I know Ben… is not.

So last night we had a poker party as stated in my previous post. Everyone filed in shortly after 8… booze in tow… and few donned my party attire… but the ones who did were to coolest kids in the house (hehe… I, of course, was one of the few).

We had a mixed bunch last night… a handful of our kinky friends, some of Ben’s work buddies (non judgemental ones), and my sister and brother-in-law. My sister is kind of a prude.. she can be fun sometimes… but other times… she is the type of person who if its not something she’s into… then its gross or wrong.

Very early on in the night it came out that I swallow.. she thought this was gross. The way I see it… if your man is willing to go down on YOU then how is it any different…. poor brother-in-law. But whatever… if that’s how she wants to be… sexually closed off… that is her problem and she is the one missing out on lots of fun times.

The drinks poured and lots of poker was played. It was a really fun night.. filled with laughter.. (and some snorting… heh…). One of our chairs fell apart on someone… which was funny as hell. Apparently I was fondled while my eyes were covered…. and yes.. there’s a picture to prove it. Ben got totally wasted… poor thing.. I’ve seen him drunk… but never seen him get sick. Last night was a first for that. I hate that I couldn’t do anything for him- but that was after everyone went home.

At some point in the night…. we were throwing around streamers… and Ben wrapped some around my throat from behind and pulled. My sister was like “looks like he’s into bondage tonight”… which is shocking coming from her.. she was totally cool last night. That was awesome. BUT all our kinky friends were over on their part of the table giggling their asses off at that one… if she only knew.

We did watch the ball drop… and had champaign.. which I hate.. but took a sip of. All in all it was one hell of a fun night. It went off without any issues.. and I’m so thankful for that. You just never know what will happen when you get a group of different types of people together. They just all proved to me what great people they all are… and why we have them in our lives.

So, good bye to 2008… and hello 2009… I hope that this year is just as good as the last… if not better. I look forward to many fun…. touching… and erotic moments… and wish you all the same!

>time for something new….


Happy New Year to everyone!! I hope that this New Year’s Eve is the best one so far… full of fun times and good memories. Make sure to drive safe (for those of you who are the DD) and be careful!

We’ll be bringing in 2009 playing poker and drinking with our friends… hopefully I’ll have good stories to tell!!

So here’s a toast to all my readers! Cheers!

>blast from the past

>So today I checked an old account of mine… which I do periodically. There was an IM from someone I used to know that was left nine days ago. It said:

“Hey, don’t know if you still check this account but if you do I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I hope everything is going good for you. Chris”.

I sat there kinda surprised for a moment… I had not heard from this guy in.. oh… six years. Not to mention that I have no idea what he has to be sorry for? AND has he been thinking about this said thing that he should be sorry for over that many years? Honestly, I’m at a loss.

I met Chris through friends in college. I was having troubles with my ex… around then. In the process of our friendship growing… my relationship ended but would later end up reuniting.. (which of course you know by now was a bad idea).

Essentially Chris became a rebound… even if I did like him. We spent time together and of course had sex a handful of times. Nothing really came of it…. perhaps that is what he is sorry for.. who knows.

At some point my weak ass ended up having sex with the ex again.. and hence became knocked up. And before you get any ideas.. yes.. my ex is my daughter’s father. I know this with every inch of my being.

From that point Chris and I kind of went our separate ways…. BEFORE I knew I was pregnant. I thought about him off an on for a bit… but soon his memory faded into oblivion till… today. So here I sit. Wondering. I’m not sure what his motivations are after so many years have passed… it seems very odd to me. I know that I would not contact someone out of the blue like that even if I felt I should have done things differently. Chances are…. that would change nothing… or, like me, they would have no idea what was going on. (LOL).

So who knows if I’ll ever find out…. I mean… I’d like to know… but I’m not going to lose sleep over it by any means. I guess life is kind of random sometimes.

>moving on

>Today has been a bit emotional for me. My friend put his two week notice in… and today was his last day. Now, we do hang out… outside of work…. but I mainly see him at work. I spend most of my free time with the family. I got him some flowers, balloon, and a card… I wanted to remind him of how much I love him. Because I do. He is one of my closest friends.

He loved the flowers. He’s just like that.. he appreciates things like that…. no matter how small or big the gesture is. I was in the freezer when he was leaving. He came up and said he was going. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him for a while. I breathed slowly.. afraid that I might cry. I could tell he was doing the same.

After we hugged I told him how much I was going to miss him… and that I loved him. AND that he better come visit and for us to still hang out… text me… etc. We hugged again… he thanked me for the flowers for a second time… and left.

It was bittersweet to say the least. It’s not like he’s leaving the area… I will still see him… but I can’t help but feel sad. With that said, I am happy for him.. that he got out of that place.. that he’s doing what makes him happy. That’s important.

You see… I have this thing about friends. Growing up I never was very popular. I had friends, yes… but sometimes I wonder if I really did. Like wonder if they were true friends. A lot of these people proved there weren’t… and the others just simply moved on. We all do that. I only have one person I still call friend from when I was a child.

I lost a lot of them in high school and came to the realization that I’d rather have a handful of true friends than a large group of them. Ones I could trust and I know that would have my back if I never needed that.

It seems that circle of people grow smaller everyday. It hurts my soul to think of the people I’ve cared for…. for the things that have happened… the pain I’ve endured. I wonder sometimes if I caused their betrayals…. their finality to our relationship.

It almost makes me just want to stay in the safe haven of my family.. where I know I’m loved… never risking the chance of having my heart hurt from someone who claims they are my friend, when in the end I’m just a warm body filling a place.

So yeah… bittersweet to lose him. I miss him already.

>writers block

>I know it’s been several days since I’ve written anything… but there is a valid reason. I just don’t know what to write about. There has not really been anything exceptional going on lately that’s fun to read about. Trust me, I’ve wanted to write… and I will sit and think about it… wonder what to write about… some topic that I can get on my soapbox about and yet, nothing comes.

So I figured I’d write about nothing.

The weekend is fast and approaching thank goodness. We are having a poker party this weekend. I can’t wait. Our poker parties are always so much fun. We drink, play cards, and eat nachos. I mean- what could be better than that?

I remember ( I think the first or second one we had- we have them usually about every month.. but haven’t since May) this one poker party we had. I believe it was last October…. I had borrowed a big Gatorade cooler and made jungle juice. It had tons of alcohol in it… rum, vodka, sangria… and I think some other stuff.

Needless to say… I had to thin it up with some Sprite. I added a bottle of that I think… when all was said and done… it still ended up being 90% alcohol… 8% fruit.. and 2% Sprite. A deadly combination.

I had one cup before they got here… and I was feeling good after half the glass. I tried to convince Ben to have a quicky before they showed up… but no dice. I, of course, was disappointed.

I finished it off when his friends showed up… mine showed up shortly after. My friends and I stood in the driveway eating and drinking. I had a second glass… I guess I was talking really loud when this went down (hehe).

Soon we migrated inside and I was all sorts of torn up. The room was spinning.. and I felt really… out of it. Shortly after that.. I felt like I was going to be sick and crawled to the bathroom because walking at this point was not an option.

I spent the remainder of the evening in the bathroom not knowing how much time was passing. Ben would come and check on me periodically and see if I needed anything. At some point I went to bed.

About two hours elapsed between the first drink to me getting sick.. crazy huh? SO yeah.. I’ve never done that again.. and never will. This poker party won’t be a repeat of that night… I actually PLAY poker now lol.

Anyways.. looks like I found something to write about.. yay! I guess all it takes is just writing sometimes.

Hopefully I’ll have something a bit more sex crazed to write next time hehe.