Category: addiction


>Where does the need for pain come from? How does one recognize that need inside themselves?

I can honestly say… I do not know where my need comes from.. or if there is even a reason why I am the way I am. I know a lot of people tend to say that devious wants come from a history of some sort of abuse…. but for me.. I had wanted that (just maybe not realized it) before I ever had an abusive relationship.

Growing up.. I can honestly only remember a handful of times I was spanked. I was a willful child… and generally got whatever I wanted. There was few to no rules in my house.. and I frequently boasted about this… that “I could do whatever I wanted”. I ruled my house.. and I knew it. No was really not something I was told.

Whether or not that was a good thing… well.. I know it wasn’t a good thing, but had I been in an environment in which there was structure… would I be who I am now? Probably not. I mean.. I did not turn out that bad, but I certainly could have.

I went from that life.. to a life filled with a lot of pain… not a good pain. My first real relationship was with a man that felt the need to hit me. Usually when we would fight. I am a strong willed girl… and easily am angered by some people. This, of course, lead to a lot of very unpleasant… tear filled moments.

But even though I endured physical abuse.. I still longed to feel a man’s dominance over me sexually. It seems kind of weird to me.. that the idea of it would send me screaming in the other direction. Deep down I guess I know that being dominated I’m not being hurt in a negative way.. and perhaps that is the key here.

Still though, that does not answer where it began… what moment began that addiction? Or maybe.. just maybe it was not environmental induced. Perhaps it is just the way my mind and body are wired… that it is just as much a part of me as my eyes being brown.

Whatever the origin…. it is highly enriching… and brings me much pleasure. So…. it cannot be a bad thing.

>addiction

>As much as I love it…sometimes I wish I had never learned about it.

I think about it all the time.. wanting it… and even in the afterglow of it… I’m onto the next time… like its never enough.

It consumes me.

I’m telling you, it’s ruined me. Sometimes regular sex does not quench the thirst I have inside me.

It’s an addiction.

And just like any addiction it consumes me.

It’s always on my mind… how and when I’ll get my next “fix”.

I feel so greedy…. I have this wonderful life.. wonderful husband… and somehow I want more… I want to sit on the edge of arousal… waiting… wondering when I’ll tip forward into the unknown.

It’s all… so wrong… this want… this- need.

>At what point does…

>sex become an addiction? Something you crave at any given time of the day? Something that consumes your every thought? Seriously… when? Because as far back as I can remember just about any time of the day… it is there, looming in the back of my mind or in the front for that matter.

I try not to think of it all the time, I really do. I get so bummed out when we miss a day… and I feel a sense of panic when we hit the two and three day mark. It’s just a reality of life that sex everyday is not going to happen. I hate that reality though.

I wouldn’t consider my marriage based on sex but it plays a huge role. It’s part of how we connect.. its part of what keeps me grounded. It takes away my tension and lets me focus on just us. I know that appears as though that is all I care about, which is very untrue. I enjoy the time on the couch cuddling with Ben… or out to dinner, laughing about something stupid…. or grocery shopping. Just the simple things. They all play a role.

I can’t help but feel that sense of funk when I go without sex. It’s just who I am. I mean, it’s not my fault that I’m so attracted to him… that when I look at him… I melt… my body aches at just a simple glance from him. I just can’t help that I want him all the time…. just like a drug.

Hi, my name is Sierra.. and I’m addicted to sex with my husband. I’m addicted to him period. It’s been twelve hours since we had sex, and honestly, I want to go in there right now and ravish him.

Somehow, I doubt that I’m alone in this.