Category: emotions


>I feel like I’m caught up in a whirlwind… that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control… ie… am I actually getting laid? And really… I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It’s just been one thing after another… and I’m just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely… and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes… yes it is… but it’s how I feel this very moment. It’s maddening… and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with… that are far worse than mine… but that doesn’t make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really… if I never had to take birth control again… I’d be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I’d have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all…. I mean… it wasn’t till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to… why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling… and the effects didn’t fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all… but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex… but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me… because I’ve always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case… I didn’t know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn’t come back… and if I didn’t I wasn’t sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side… always have. Without that… I wouldn’t be complete. That sounds weird… but that’s how I see myself. I am a sexual creature…. plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there… it was hard to handle.

So here I am… exhausted from it all. It’s time to make a tough decision… one that scare me.

I’ve decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with… I don’t ever want to go through this again… and this seems like the best way. My body… my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can’t expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that… I made my decision.

I’m scared shitless….. to say the least. But I can’t keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn’t going to work. My consult is on October 5…. wish me luck… cause I’m certainly going to need it.

Advertisements

>loss

>I’m hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake… as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around… that wasn’t healthy for me. He brought me to his home… into his family.

I bonded with these people… I became part of the family… I was his parent’s daughter.. not daughter in law… I was his sister’s sister… in fact I was way closer to them… than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together… had game nights.. bbq’s… they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was… him. So when I left him… I still stayed close with them.. because that’s what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments… which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued… them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that’s what families do.

In the past year… I’d say just after the first of the year… things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we’ve been separated except for maybe six months (and that’s not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit… but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he’s there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer… and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven’t spent time with them since Ben’s birthday in July. We didn’t do any summer holidays together…. it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think… and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don’t have school)… I realized that I hate going there now. I’m always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now… like I’m in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever… I’ve always wanted a family… one that loves me.. and that I’m truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I’ve lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now… I dunno how to fix this… or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them… they would say I’m being silly… but you can’t change how you feel. And I can’t make them do things differently… I can’t make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes… they do so in a way that you don’t like. This seems to be the case…

Or maybe… I’m the one who has changed…

>hormones=bad

>I’ve put off blogging about this…. but the fact is… at some point… there may be a need to refer back to it. SO…might as well spill the dirty details and move forward.

Back in January, we had some birth control issues. Well it seems that we are right back where we were. At the beginning of this month… my IUD came out… once more. I decided I was over playing the IUD game.. as it seems my body doesn’t like them anymore.. so I went for a new form of birth control.

I picked out the Nuvaring… as some of the other forms aren’t my friend either. I was hoping this would be the end of my problems with anti baby making… I was wrong. A little over a week after starting it… shit kinda hit the fan. I was all sorts of fucked up… I was hormonal and crazy.. to say the least.

The mood swings I was having were out of control… I’d be a raging bitch one minute.. and a crying mess the next. The bad part for me is that I could see myself being irrational… but couldn’t stop. I felt so terrible for Ben having to put up with me but he really was a trooper. He was so patient and good to me throughout the whole thing.

After about a week of this craziness… I really couldn’t take it anymore… and took the damn thing out. That was on Saturday.. and I can feel the difference already. I’m not completely myself still but I’m a lot closer than I was. I cannot begin to describe how difficult it is.. to see yourself go through this. It’s hard not to feel like yourself.

So we’re back to square one. I’m so over birth control and don’t understand why it’s so hard not to have children. I officially hate hormones… and the crap it does to me. I’ve never in my life had such a hard time. This year has really sucked for that.

I’m off to the doctor today… see what to do now. Lets hope whatever I get does the trick.

>When it’s been a while between our more aggressive sexual adventures…. it’s funny the emotions I go through. It ranges from uneasiness (over reconditioning my mind and body to accept intense pain) to pure excitement. This was the case Saturday night.

I hadn’t been sleeping well and so after the third night of this.. I decided it was time we rotated the mattress. Ben came into the room… I had already pulled the blanket, sheet, and pillows onto the floor. I was only wearing a thsirt… my ass barely peeking out. As I bent I felt his hand rub against my exposed skin. I let out a sigh… making sure he knew I liked it.

His fingers traced the line of my ass… giving way to the soft skin of my pussy. I gasped when I felt his fingers rub my clit somewhat roughly. He gave it a few strokes before moving his fingers back.. and plunging into me. I pushed back against his hand… and whimpered when they left after only a minute.

We went about turning the bed… and as we were putting the stuff back on… I was bent over the bed again fixing the covers. I didn’t even notice him coming up behind me… and planting a firm smack on my ass. His hand hand up on my back… holding me down…. then applied several more swats to each cheek.

He let me up after… saying it was shower time. The shower was uneventful…. each of us showering in silence only glancing up at each other here and there exchanging a smile or a knowing look. When I finally exited.. I did my after shower routine… as Ben had already left the bathroom. I listened as I brushed my teeth… hearing the tell tale sounds of our toy drawer. I felt the fear somewhat grow in my stomach. It had been weeks since I had endured any sort of prolonged pain. I also felt the excitement of the impending treatment…

I couldn’t draw it out anymore… and walked out of the bathroom only to be met by Ben.. holding two of my vibrators. He handed them to and told me to make sure they were clean (apparently they hadn’t been used in a while…who knew that drawers got so dusty). As I washed them… he came in for a towel.

I followed him into the bedroom.. and this is where my memory gets hazy. Its funny how more intense something is.. the harder it is to remember.

I was pushed over the corner of the bed…. no warm ups… just powerful blows from the flogger… over and over. The first ones had no rhythm to them… so hard to stay focused and not cry out. Soon, though, his assault had a steadiness to it.. that allowed me to sink into a quiet enjoyment.

He wouldn’t allow that for long… dragging me to my knees… slamming his cock down my throat. He fucked my face while he continued working on my back and ass. As he did so…. he told me that he wanted me to present parts of my body for him to whip… which made me shudder. There is something about choosing your fate so to speak that makes it all the more hard to endure.

He pulled away… and instructed me to go ahead and show him where to spank. I thought for a second… and turned… getting on my hands and knees. I arched my back and stuck my ass in the air. He did not hesitate.. and just as quickly as I had got into position… the first blow fell across my ass. Over and over the flogger falls made contact with my skin.. sometimes making me scream… other times making me moan.

Soon he was ready for a new target… and urged me to pick something else. I sat up a bit laying across the bed… pointing to my back. There was a confidence in that choice… as it’s my favorite place to be flogged. He moved onto my newly selected spot. Strike after strike… I laid there enduring what he dished out.

After a bit.. I was told to pick a new spot. I pointed to the backs of my thighs this time. He only got a few hits in on this spot. One blow hit the side of my thigh… wrapping around… that brought forth such pain. I gasped… and screamed.. and felt my chest tighten trying to find air…. and the tears filling my eyes. I begged him to stop…

“Why?”, he said… dripping with condescension.

“Because it hurts”, I choked out.

“But it’s supposed to hurt, isn’t it? And you like it, don’t you?”, he was all smiles… I could tell without even looking.

“Yes”, was all I could respond with… between deep breaths trying to keep from completely falling apart.

He knew I didn’t want him to stop.. and pressed forward to picking another spot. For whatever crazy reason (maybe because I know how much he likes it), I picked my pussy. I rolled over.. spreading my legs for him. He offered up his cock to help distract me from the attack I was about to feel.

I took him deep into my mouth… and his soothing words rolled from his lips… asking if I was ready. And so… he began…. getting in a few good hits before I couldn’t take more. The tears came back to my eyes. I could feel panic filling me… but he has a way of calming me… bringing me back to where he needs me to be.

Soon I was laying there.. legs spread… willing to accept more. He was going to give me one more…. one more good one. The fear grew in me…. waiting.. wondering when it’d come… my mouth full of his cock again. Then out of no where.. the last stinging blow hit my tender flesh. I pulled my legs up to me… laying in a ball. There was no stopping the tears this time.. as they streamed down my face.

He told me to breathe… to calm myself… as he moved around to the other side of the bed. He got me off the bed… I leaned in to suck his cock again… but was met with resistance. The wood handle of the flogger was at my throat.. causing me to struggle to reach even the tip. I struggled.. pushing harder.. digging the wood into my throat to finally reach my prize.

Satisfied with my struggle…. he removed the flogger. I moved my head up and down… fucking him with my mouth. Words flowed from his mouth as I did as I was expected.

“So I guess I should tell you what I have planned for you tonight. Those two vibrators you cleaned are going into your pussy…. and I’m going to fuck your ass. Like that idea?”, he asked… as if he was talking about what he had for lunch.

I could feel the dread coming over me. I don’t prefer being fucked in the ass when we play harder… my body isn’t as relaxed as it needs to be to allow him to do so without hurting me. So.. yeah, I wasn’t looking forward to it.

He pulled away from me… and told me to get onto the bed on my back. I did so…as hee pulled me to him… my legs spreading again. There wasn’t pain.. but pure pleasure as he slid deep into my pussy.. filling me. I cooed…. enjoying the reward I had earned.

His arms wrapped around my thighs… fucking me… my fingers wandered down… and started rubbing my clit. My eyes shut and went with it… fully enjoying all the sensations that flowed through my body. This wouldn’t be all I’d get though…. soon I found myself void of his cock…. and had my cunt filled with the first of two vibrators.

I took the first one with ease. One is no problem by any means. He fucked me vigorously with it…. making sure I was nice and wet (like that’s any problem). He only stopped to slid the other in… stretching my pussy out. I felt so full…. words escape me in how to accurately describe it.

He pushed my knees up further.. getting better access to my ass. Normally I would put up some resistance… but honestly I was pretty far gone by then… so I laid there… letting him do whatever he wanted.

With one hand.. he held the vibrators in place.. and the other.. he squeezed a ton of lube into the slit of my ass. I heard him set the bottle down… then felt the tip of his cock press against me. I had very little fight in my body.. which was probably a good thing… and worked in my favor.

I felt him slip inside of me… pressing further and further… not giving me much time to adjust to the stretching of my ass. I reached down again… rubbing my clit.. trying to keep the focus on something more enjoyable. Finally when he was all the way in… he begin pumping in and out… more forceful than he’d normally be.

After a few more minutes of his cock and the vibrators fucking me… I asked him for more lube as my body was tensing and it was starting to hurt. He obliged me… then went back to the task at hand.. sliding back in and not giving any adjustment time.

By then I was so far gone… the sensations were overwhelming.. and I could feel myself deep in subspace.. where very little could touch me. I’m not even sure how much time passed…. or how many times my body trembled with orgasms. Though, at some point.. his seed spilled into my ass. When his orgasm subsided he pulled out… then pulled the vibrators out.

I pulled away… curling into a ball… as he slipped into bed up behind me enveloping me in his arms. This is when the whole experience washed over me…. and tears poured from my eyes.. like this wonderful release of anything bad that I felt. In that very second… I was wonderful… and felt just.. well good.

Moments like that are probably hard to describe or understand unless you’ve experienced them. I’ve had very few experiences like that… and I wouldn’t trade them for the world…. they are simply amazing.

It took me almost a hour to full snap out of it… and be completely normal… but it was so totally worth it. It was good stuff indeed.

>We laid in bed.. talking… cuddling.. just being together. Ben was on his back… and I was propped up on my elbow. I looked down at him… and he has this particular look in his eyes.. one that is hard to describe. It was like… kindness… adoration.. love.. lust… all rolled into one. It was overwhelming… in this… oh my god, I love this man kinda way.

I leaned into him… gently rubbing my nose against his… sharing a moment that was just simple.. and pure. Seconds seemed like minutes… and time could have stood still. Before I knew it… out lips touched… the passion between us ignited.

What started out as something gentle… became intense want and lust. His knee came up between my legs… wedged up against my pussy. I put my hand to his neck… lightly placing it against his collar bone. His hands wandered… up and under my shirt. His fingers dug into my back… making every nerve ending in my body come alive.

We kissed intensely… almost like we couldn’t get enough of one another. Soon he was pulling my shirt off…. and I laid back against him. I kissed him more… as he reached down and started stroking his cock. I love it when he does that… something about it makes me so freaking hot.

I finally couldn’t take anymore… and climbed on top of him… rubbing against his cock through our shorts. We grinded against one another…. fueling the want and need we had to partake in. His fingers once again raked across my back… then down to the band of my shorts.

I rolled away… letting him pull down my shorts… then his own. I wasted no time.. and climbed back on top of him. I rubbed my clit against the tip of his cock… making me suck in air… enjoying the sensation.

Moving my hips up… Ben guided his cock into my soaking wet pussy. I took him deep inside…. feeling every inch of him. His hands where all over… digging into my thighs.. my back… my tits. It felt amazing… and before I knew it… I was rocked with an orgasm so intense that I squeezed his cock out of me.

I leaned in and kissed him again as I slid back down on him fucking him vigorously. His hips rose to meet my own…. with one purpose alone… to make him cum. I bounced up and down… sighing and moaning with each thrust. I could tell by the look on his face.. and the force in which his fingers were buried into my flesh that he was close.

With each assualt.. I could feel the muscles in my pussy tighten… and I imagine it was all too much to take anymore. Ben filled my cunt with his cum… and then we collapsed into a pile of flesh… holding each other in a quiet contentment.

>Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn’t go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

  1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that… we don’t really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay…. but as far as being intimate with another… I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple… this is sharing… and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
  2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others… no pictures.. not in the same room… not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand… I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that’s just me. We are a couple… and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
  3. Past experience…. I’ve been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories… still taint my mouth. In fact… I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else’s.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn’t keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he’s not in it all the way… then I’d rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is…. really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

>Another graduation has come and gone… and I must say.. I am VERY thankful. You see, graduation is the busiest time of my year work wise. Added to it this year was my niece graduating… and well you can see how this weekend was exhausting?

Work was insane… we had SO many orders.. it’s safe to say.. I worked my ass off (even though its still there thank goodness!). I went into to work at four am on Saturday. I got off.. grabbed the flowers and balloon I ordered for my niece. When I got home.. I boiled all the noodles I needed for the three pasta salads I was commissioned to make. It was a funny sight I’m sure…. in the kitchen in just my bra… Im strange.. I know.

After I jumped in the shower with little time to spare. Ben got home.. and did the same…. and we were off. We went and got the kids from their Dad’s and headed to the stadium. We were there a little early… but we wanted to get good seats next to the rest of the family. It was a nice day out.. despite the early morning rain. The seats… were terrible. All of our backs were hurting after the two hour ceremony was over.

It was emotional to watch her graduate… to see her as a woman and not as a child… its difficult. Nevertheless… I am so very proud of her… because I know how hard she worked to get to that day. When it was over.. and we went down to find her in the sea of people… she was all grins.

We had dinner at the parents house after… sub sandwiches and potato soup.. yum. It was nice to have all of us together.. chit chatting and having a good time. We only stayed a hour before we left for home to finish up making the salads and clean up.

We headed over to my sister’s house to deliver the salads and cake balls I made for the party on Sunday. We had planned on going out with friends… but that kind of fell through when we got sucked into helping set up. We were there until nine…. and went home.

Ben and I relaxed for a bit…. where I almost fell asleep on the couch. We decided it was bedtime… so we grabbed a shower and was in bed by 10:30.

On Sunday we did manage to sleep in… but I woke up very sore. My body was not liking being overworked. I got up and showered… and we headed out. We grabbed some breakfast then headed to my sister’s again.

I jumped in helping… setting up food and such. We headed out after the food was in order and set up the tables and chairs. We decorated the area… getting things all put together… and I must say… it turned out quite nicely.

People started showing up on time at four… and the two of us were in hostess mode getting everything moving. We showed the slide show I put together first thing… which everyone loved… I even got asked how much I would charge to do something like that. That surprised me.. but made me feel good knowing that I did a good job.

After that we manned the grills and got to cooking. Once that was done.. we could finally relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We sat around talking and just enjoying ourselves. This is where Ben told me… the cake is melting. It had been an all afternoon project keeping that cake(that I made) out of the sun… and apparently I dropped the ball. (the pic is pre-meltdown.. I didn’t get a pic of it melted.. I should have!)


I went over to rescue it.. and the left side bottom boarder… completely melted.. it was a puddle of frosting. Quite funny I must say! I separated the three tiers so that it could be served…. it was quite tasty.

Ben, the kids, and I all headed home around eight… where we tossed the kids in the tub. We relaxed a bit.. then headed to bed after a shower at ten. It was a very full weekend…. I’m sore. But… I feel good about how it all turned out…. so it was all worth the work.

>I have always been hesitant to air our dirty laundry… I didn’t want to be THAT girl that bitched and moaned about her husband. The fact is… I adore him with my every being… I love him… and plan on spending our lives together. No matter if I am upset with him… or completely happy.. that does not change.

With that said.

Our only ongoing issue in our relationship.. has been sex. Sex is very important to me… always has been. Its part of how I identify myself. I am a very sexual person… period. Ben.. no so much. He is okay with having sex a couple times a week… and leave it at that. He’s not the type to spend time looking for new things to do.. or watch porn without me. It’s not at the front of his mind… almost ever.

For me.. that’s really not so true. I think about sex everyday… multiple times a day. I like thinking about new things… looking for new things. I could happily have sex almost everyday… and be good to go.

There is not a huge difference in the amount we want sex… but it is very noticeable to me sometimes. I am very touchy feely… in a sexual way sometimes…. even if I’m not necessarily trying to initiate sex. Sometimes… my goal is just for him to want me…. to have that want build till later. He doesn’t always get that… the point of it. And so this leads to my feelings being hurt.. because he pushes me away.

About every six to eight months… we do this dance… where it comes to a head… mainly because when it comes up.. we put a quick patch on it and move forward. We never really come to any answers to how to meet in the middle. And so things start back all hot and heavy… and slowly move to the other… and culminates in me being butt hurt and him feeling like he can’t perform to what I need.

I’m really tired of this dance… tired of it coming to that.. because honestly we’re better than that. We can work out our differences.. we are intelligent adults. So thats where we are. It will all work itself out.. its just trying to figure out how to get to that point.

We are both trying to figure out what exactly we need and what we want. When we do, we’ll sit down and talk.. compare.. and figure out the middle ground. It will be work to figure out something new.. and make it work… but I know we can.

>I laid in his arms… him on his back.. me curled into his body. The calm after the storm… the uncertainty in the wake of the fight we just ended. Although it was done… I was still holding on.. holding onto the words he said… and the hurt it caused.

His fingers traced the curves of my back… gently caressing my warm skin. Our breathing shallow… but rhythmic. The room was quiet… only the soft hum of the fan above us spoke. I needed air… I needed away just to keep the monster inside calm. I kissed him… told him I loved him.. because no matter what.. that remains true.

After pulling away and laying on my back… my reluctant hand touched his leg… not wanting the gap between us to grow so large that tears would come flowing back. Minutes passed… and again… his advancement came. His hand touched my body… gently… wanton.

He outlined my chest.. down my stomach.. to my thighs.. barely passing by my pussy. In my head… I wanted nothing of it… I didn’t want to give in…. to let go. But.. as always.. my body betrays my mind… it reacts to the touch of the man I love.

My mind fights though.. not letting down the barrier that easily. With every stroke of his fingers… the lust wells in my body… yet inside… the battle goes on… there is no way it will allow me to enjoy this seduction. Still he presses on. More and more brave as time passes.. till his fingers dive into my wet cunt. A groan escapes his mouth at the welcome they are met with. The warm, wetness envelopes his digits… urging him on.

The arousal is almost too much to fight anymore… he knows my weakness… he can see right through me. He knows how to touch me to make me melt… how to make me scream. This is intimacy… this raw unhidden truth… this knowledge of me. His fingers advance up.. finding my swollen clit and begins lavishing it with attention… till every wall my mind has built is in a pile of rubble.

He senses this… and in a smooth move… he is on top of me. The tip of his cock nudges against my soaked hole. He stays there… tempting me to slid down on him…. or perhaps to tease me.. to make me helpless with lust. His lips meet mine… they mingle.. tongues brushing each other in a dance of sorts. A tango of passion.

There is no roughness… its pure… its love… its naked need… the need to push past the angry words said… the hurt that was caused- to make it all better… to mend those wounds. Its intensity that you feel deep inside… the offer of yourself… to where you are truly naked…

>four weeks

>We watched Seven Pounds with Will Smith in it last night. I have to say, this is one of the saddest movies I have seen in a very long time. The premise of the movie was different… but definitely something different.

In the movie, Will Smith meets a woman who is terminally ill. She has chronic heart failure and is given four to six weeks to live.

After we watched it (and I cried.. hard)… we headed to bed. The wheels in my head started to turn. What if I was told I only had four weeks to live? What would I do? How would I live the last thirty days of my life?

I mulled over things in my head… and found myself over come with emotion at this. All the things I would miss… birthdays.. weddings.. holidays…. what to pick and choose… what is most important… ran around inside my skull.. doing a little tap dance on my heart.

So here’s what I came up with.. in no particular order.

write letters to my girls for special occasions… milestone birthdays.. wedding days.. graduations
write good bye letters to all that I hold dear
spend an afternoon with each of the girls just one at a time.. doing whatever they wanted
go do a complete spa treatment
spend a full day in bed with Ben… having sex.. laughing.. cuddling.. and Im sure crying
go to the coast.. see the ocean one last time
have a full family bbq
watch the sunset
stay up all night and watch the sunrise
quit my job
get a family portrait done
eat at my favorite restaurant
doing a weekend in Vegas.. renew our vows
throw a birthday party for the girls
take a long hot bath with candles.. the radio… and Ben
go for a drive in the mountains
visit one place I’ve never seen before.. like Vancouver, BC
spend one whole day watching movies
spend one whole day outside… soaking up the sun
sleep till noon one day and not feel guilty about it

When all is said and done… it really amazes me just what things I love to do.. did not make the list. The simple things are the things that are most important… but in the same thought.. they aren’t so simple. I hope upon hopes that I never am faced with that knowledge… that my days are numbered. It would be the single most scary thing I’ve ever endured.

I want a life filled with lots of years ahead of me… filled with my family… and my friends. I want to grow old next to my husband and watch my children grow… and have children of their own. My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced something like that… it is terribly heart breaking.. no words do it justice.