Tag Archive: dominace


rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

Advertisements

missing his domination

Desires come and go.  It happens because we are wired that way… we can’t be 100% into something every moment of the day.  We have mood shifts… different mind frames… all that.   The steak that sounded so good for dinner one day might not have the same appeal the next.  Variety is a very good thing.

And so, it doesn’t surprise me that my desire to be dominated sexually hasn’t been very strong lately.  I’ve had so many other things going on that it seems my brain has been distracted.. and very much not focused on a good ass beating.

In my head.. I know I miss it… and want it.  I think it’s like summer… people know they love it… they remember it being a certain way, but there is just nothing like experiencing it.  That first warm day, when you can go out and take a dip in a nice cool body of water is amazing.  Just like that first taste of dominance after a bit of a dry spell.  I remember it being amazing, but there isn’t much better than actually experiencing it first hand.

And so, the deep desire.. that leaves me wanton and crazy isn’t there… but I know that I need only experience a taste of domination to be right back where I was only weeks ago.  I miss it. Yes.. very much so.  It doesn’t feel right to go so long without it.  There seems to be this little piece of me that is off… and wrong.  It makes me feel a bit off kilter.

I can’t wait to feel that power over me… to be at my knees swimming deep in my submission.  I need it… to feel balanced.  It’s not something I ever like going without.  This particular dry spell.. there is not blame to be assigned.  It happened and was out of our hands.  I know that Ben is just as eager to get back to the way it was.  Sigh… I can’t wait.  🙂

earning my submission

Before I met Ben… both the long term relationships I had… I wore the pants.  Now looking back, it’s not because I necessarily wanted to be in charge… it was more out of necessity.  Those two men were not men worthy of leading me by any means.  I knew it then.. and definitely know it now.  I may not have looked at it that way at the time but I can see it now.

I was settling then.. for less than what I wanted and needed.  I overcompensated in taking the reigns because I knew that they were too weak to take care of us.  I needed to do it all.. to make sure it was done right because they were unreliable.  Thinking about it makes me sad that I ever did that to myself.  I was too young to realize what I truly needed to be happy.

It wasn’t till years later.. that I found a man worthy of my respect and love.  When Ben and I met and fell in love.. then subsequently moved in together… we were equal partners.  It was what I needed then.  I needed him to be my equal.. and in that I had so much respect for him… to treat me with love, kindness, and respect in return.  It was the first relationship that felt right… and I reveled in the fact that I didn’t need to be his parent like I had been in the past.  I didn’t want another child… I wanted a man.

I don’t think I could have eventually let Ben take charge in our marriage had we not had those beginnings.  He had to earn the right to be the one calling the shots.  I will not kneel before someone who has not earned it.. and he has in so many ways.  I know this is why our dynamic works so well… because we’ve had patience… and built something over many years that is so wondrous.

It makes me wonder how anyone can jump into a D/s relationship not knowing each other.  I don’t think the level of trust and commitment can be given from me without really knowing someone.   I mean, if it works for someone, awesome.. but for me I need to build to something more meaningful and deep.  I know that had we tried this from day one.. it would have failed horribly for us.  I’m glad it happened when it did… right time.. right place sort of thing- kind of like when we met.

Either way.. I am more than happy to be my Owners slave.  It feels right… I don’t question it.  It feels good to not have to control things.. to just be.  I know that at times I have moments where I fall into old ways and try to take over… but he knows how to pull me back to where I need to be.  I am so thankful for him. He is my rock.

where did THAT come from?

I follow many blogs.. as well as many photo blogs on tumbler.  I find a great deal of many hot pictures that I forward Ben’s way.  He brags to the guys at work about how his wife sends him porn… every day.   I love finding things that speak to me… and that I know will speak to him.  One day a couple weeks ago I was going through said blogs… and stumbled across a picture that for the life of me, I cannot find again.  So I’ll try my best to describe the picture I found.

In the image there was a guy in a suit smoking a cigarette… which his woman kneeling at his side… arms extended holding an ash tray.  I stopped and stared at this image for several minutes.  I could feel a familiar twinge in my groin… and I was shocked by this.  I am not a smoker… and I am not a fan of smoking.  When I met Ben, he smoked.. and quit for me.  All on his own.. simply because he knew how much I hated it.  He occasionally has cigar at poker parties we have or in Vegas.  He always brushes his teeth when he is done so I don’t have to deal with what is left on his breath.  It’s a nice give and take for both of us I think.

So why was this image calling to me?  I saved it and sent it to Ben telling him about how it had oddly turned me on… and that I wanted to do this.  It wasn’t about the smoking… it was about serving him in any and every way possible.  It was about the power of him smoking when he wants… in front of me…. and me waiting on him to catch the ashes he would discard.

When he wrote back he said it would indeed be hot but wouldn’t want the house to smell like that.  Some how we ran with the idea… about being in the garage… him smoking a cigar… me sucking his cock while he did so.  It made me tingle all over… even if I was still shocked by it.  It all played out in my head and a longing for it grew.  So much of me wants to serve him in so many ways… from mundane to unorthodox.   Trying new things… serving him in those ways, titillates me.

I think it speaks volumes about my submission to him.. and how deep it has gone.  Will this little fantasy ever come to bear fruit?   And if it did, would it be as hot as I imagine it?  I have no idea.  Either way.. it is fun to think about… and still makes me wet between my thighs.

when life happens…

My sweet Bean has been… to put it bluntly…. working his ass off.  He’s been putting in twelve hour days…  with forty-five minute commutes each way on top of it.  It’s been taking a toll on him.. and our home life.  Most days he gets home around eight pm… sometimes closer to nine.  By the time he gets home, all he has time for is dinner, a shower, and a little time to relax before it’s bedtime so he can turn around and do it again.  It really makes us wonder what it is all for.

We miss each other so much when we aren’t together.. and find little time to be able to even text one another because he is usually busy doing his job.  He manage here and there to say hi but that is about it.  Even when he is home, he’s so tired from working so much that it makes any quality time difficult.  I know how tired he is… and how he just needs to decompress from a long, hard day.  I try my best to make it the best I can.  I can see it in his eyes though.. I know how sad it makes him that he’s not able to give me much more than that after he gets home.

On my side of things.. even though I know all these things.. my mind still works in strange ways.  I feel the strain of his absence.  It makes it hard to remain in my place.  I need a healthy dose of his direct dominance over me in order not to feel anxious.  Without it, I find myself struggling to follow the rules and tasks that he doesn’t keep a keen eye on.  There are so many things he expects of me that he leaves me to my own devices.  He expects me to follow through with them without him checking up on me.  Those are the things that are hard to keep on.

I have this internal battle that goes on.  I could easily stop doing some of those things and he’d be none the wiser.  The question to ask here is why I would do that?  I’ve asked for this life so why on Earth would I not follow through?  Well.. I get attention.. why else?  I’m not getting the positive attention I crave and that’s not for lack of want- he just doesn’t have the energy for it right now.  But the good slave in me would never dream of adding additional stress to my Owner’s world.  It’s not my job… my job is to make his life easier.  By not doing my job.. it makes him have to use up energy on negative things.. to put his slave back in her place.  Being a grown woman.. I shouldn’t need that.. and I shouldn’t need to act out to get what I need.  Rationally I know all this.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  I know me… and I know that if I were to neglect my rules or duties… I would have to admit that to Ben.  The thought of disappointing him that way and making him waste energy on that makes me feel terrible.  Damn integrity.

Oh what a struggle!  I miss his dominance.. so much.  I miss that all encompassing feeling of being owned.  I realize that I can’t always feel that… that life gets in the way sometimes.   It doesn’t mean that it’s easy to deal with.. because it’s not.  We’re making the best of it and trying to make time for us.  I know personally I am looking forward to our upcoming vacation.  It will be nice for neither of us to have to work and be a good time to reconnect.  In the mean time I am trying really hard to be a good slave and put myself on autopilot.  This wont last forever.. and I just have to remember that.  I hope that I can continue to make the right choices and not give into the allure of negative attention.  That will not make either of us happy.

I feel like I’m in a state of chaos right now….. a big ball of stress.  The part of me that needs to feel a bit of control over my life is screaming.  There are a few things going on in our lives that neither Ben nor I can control.  It leaves me feeling anxious and out of control, in a bad way.  As I write this… my head feels like it may split in two.  Stress is an ugly thing.

In this… the one constant thing I know and feel is Ben’s ownership of me.  It’s the one thing that is keeping me grounded and from falling apart right now.   I know he is feeling the stress of it as well.. and yet he continues to own the situations and keep me from losing it.  It is amazing  to me really.  It’s moments like these that show me how much we have grown.  He has went from just my husband and partner.. to leader of this family.  I must say he does an amazing job.

Right now… what I really need is to feel his dominance over me both physically and emotionally.  I need to feel the warm arms of it engulfing me… taking away my worries  so that I can just soak in being his.  I love that about my submission to him… how good it makes me feel… how safe I feel.  Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world where I can just be his.  I am many other things… and have so many other roles I have to fill.  Sometimes I have to be the strong one.. the one making decisions.  I can’t just bask in the glow of my Owner.

I think that if were the case, I wouldn’t appreciate what we have nearly as much.  The fact that other things are going on… make me see how much I need moments where I am simply just his slave… there to just serve him.  I can’t wait till the weekend is here so that I can spend the evenings focused on Ben.  I look forward to them like Christmas.  They help to recenter me and renew me for the week ahead.  It cannot come soon enough!

Hopefully things will start settling down here in our corner of the world.  I’m going to try to start tomorrow  with fresh eyes.  I am going to leave the negative in today and move forward.  There are just some things in the world I can’t change… so there is no reason to wallow in it.  It does me no good… it does no one any good.  I don’t like feeling like this at all.  Tomorrow is another day.

 

One year collarversary!

One year ago today… I was collared by Ben.  What a ride it has been!  I have to say.. I don’t regret our choice for one second.  It has enriched our life ten fold and given me a peace that I didn’t expect.  Don’t get me wrong, I have struggled and assume I will continue to do so.  I think that’s a part of life, though.  Everyone struggles… it’s how we learn.

I think that it’s important in this life to seek out the things that complete you.. make you feel whole.  I don’t think just one thing or activity can provide that, but a network of things that fills this internal gap.  I’ve found my fillers… even if they were not found all at once.  My job is fulfilling… my kids make me proud and push me to grow as a person… and being his… well that’s something special all in itself.

I never thought that I could live as someone’s owned property.  The idea was so very foreign to me… and totally hard to understand.  I tried hard to wrap my head around the idea and understand the motivations behind making such a radical life choice.  It’s funny to me how much someone can change once you truly embrace and understand something.  What was once something that didn’t get at all became something I craved with great intensity.  I didn’t think of it every moment but it did become an idea that was in the front of my mind.

It would only take a moment of bravery to forever change the course of our marriage.  It took me telling him I wanted him to own me to bring about a difference.  The idea was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We entered into this new world with open hearts and hope to match.  The beginning saw growing pains and several punishments that took hold in my mind.  There was moments of strictness and other times filled with more slack.  Some where in there we found a good balance and still try to keep that precarious balance.

Has it been worth it?  Oh hell yes!  The feeling of being his is unlike any other.  I can’t describe what it’s like to be on my knees at his feet… looking up at him, seeing this intense love in his eyes… intense emotion… just in-tenseness.   It makes my heart soar… and my breath hitch in my chest.  I long for those moments and any struggle I have, those moments where we exist just as we should be are enough for me.   Luckily for us.. we have many moments that are special… that brings us together in our extraordinary connection.

And so… a year later.. we are going strong.  Still happy with the choice we’ve made.. looking forward to the many years that lay ahead of us.  I cannot imagine not being his slave for one moment anymore.  It wouldn’t feel right to either of us I’m sure.  I would’ve never guessed this would be my life.. but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

It was Sunday evening… I was being particularly sassy throughout the day.  Well.. I’d call it playful… but I guess that’s all perspective isn’t it? At some point I came over to him and laid against him on the couch.  I was doing all the things I know that make him laugh and drive him slightly crazy.  I kept flicking at his lower lip or trying to stick my finger in his belly button.  I wasn’t really trying to upset him… just goof around.  He of course would over power me and pinch me in an attempt to stop me.

I wasn’t stopping though.  I kept going… and he called me on it, telling me how sassy I was being.  I was feeling adventurous or dangerous maybe… and told him he liked it when I was like this.  He looked at me with a smile… but with a strangely stern look in his face and said not as much as I thought.  I bantered back and forth with him for a few more minutes.  I don’t know if it’s just me wanting to see how far I can push my limits… or if I just enjoy playing with him like that.  Either way, he puts up with a lot from me when I’m like that.  I think he allows it because it doesn’t come out to play very often.

At some point he decided we needed ice.. and he wanted ice cream.  I bargained with him and actually got him to go to the store with me.  He drove… and I sat in the passenger seat… my mind wandering off to other things beside our intended mission.  We were a block or two away from the house when I wondered if perhaps he would pull over to the side of the road.  Then I imagined him turning me over and spanking my ass red, right there with cars passing us by.  Part of me wanted him to… but there was the part that didn’t.

And then it occurred to me the difference between he and I.  Had I been him… that’s exactly what I would have done.  Gone out of the earshot of the kids at home… to put my wayward slave in her place… even if it was more playful than a punishment.  I may not have pulled down her capris… but she would have been spanked nonetheless.  I am almost sure that this didn’t even occur to him.  He was probably more focused on the creamy yumminess awaiting him at the store.

We made it to the store…. my ass still flesh toned.  I may not have received a public correction… but at least I got a good story to tell, right?

two for Tuesday

It was Ben morning to take the kiddo to school.  I was left in bed to snooze and keep the sheets warm.  When he got back he returned to our bed and cuddled up to me.  I smiled to myself in my groggy state… half awake before sighing to myself and attempting to fall back asleep.  I’m not sure if minutes passed or closer to thirty minutes, but I felt has hand glide over my ass and going straight to between my legs.

His fingers probed till they slid into my cunt with little to no effort.  I stayed on my stomach accepting his fingers thrusting into me… listening to the sound of my cunt growing wetter.  He didn’t do this long… I imagine he only did it to make sure that I was prepared to accept what was coming.

He pulled his fingers out… then mounted me… sliding his cock deep inside with a moan of approval from me.  He pumped away immediately.  His hands propped his body weight up on my ass before he moved one to my back, effectively pinning me down.  I loved the feel of his hands on me… the weight of him pressing me down.

This was no act of fucking to please me… but an act of pleasing himself.  If I got pleasure through it… then okay, but that was not what was propelling him.  He fucked me hard… my moaning getting louder as he got closer to cumming.  He thrusted into me over and over… me imagining the look on his face…. the look of lust and delight.  Shortly after he was dumping his cum inside of me and climbing off me.  And like that he was done and cuddling back up to me.  I was rode hard and put away wet.

We slept a while longer, me getting up before him.  I wasn’t up long before he called out to me.  I rejoined him in bed to cuddle some more.  I love mornings like these… where we have no purpose for the day but to just be together.  Like earlier, I was on my stomach.  He was spooning me from behind.  Out of no where he decided he wanted me once more…. not completely sated from before.  He remounted me.. sliding his cock back into my cunt.  This time he was feeling sadistic.

He squeezed my ass hard… then would smack it… all the while fucking me…. pinning me down again.  He paused his thrusting and told me to fuck his cock.  I obeyed.. pushing my body back into him all the while he hurt me.  I cried out in pain in pleasure.. a strange mixture that drove me crazy.  He went back and forth… between me fucking him and him running the show before he told me to turn around and suck his cock.

I turned and plunged my mouth down on his cock.  I apparently wasn’t doing it as he wished, because he grabbed my head and fucked it vigorously.  I choked and gagged but held on like a champ.  I gasped for air each moment I got a chance… and suddenly he was done with my face.  Again, he told me to turn around so another round of abuse and fucking began.

He wet his cock with my cunt… and pulled out.  He pressed against my ass… but at a weird angle.  I moved a little allowing him better entry to my ass… and so he slipped in.  He pushed deeper and deeper till he hit the hilt using only my wetness to fuck my asshole.  My ass is well trained, but it always hurts.  I like it.. strangely enough.  Not in the way that I’m moaning with pleasure… but in the way I know I’m serving him…. and know how much he loves it.  It turns me on in a different way…. I knew that I’d be dripping wet when he was done.

His hands returned to my back…. his rhythm not that of urgency… but that of riding something that feels good and wanting to make it last.  In my head I wanted him to take what he wanted… however long it took…. and other moments I was in pain and just really wanted him to cum.  Mostly I just wanted him to use his slave.  I got something different out of it… a satisfaction that you can’t have without wanting someone to use you for their pleasure.  All the while I tried to stay calm because tensing would only hurt me more.  I cried out in pain every now and then… when it got too much.  I think he likes knowing it… knowing that I’m hurting for him… and I think that’s part of what put him over the edge.  I could feel his body shake against me… the grunting of his relief… the satisfaction of what he needed.

He slid out of my well used ass and laid back onto the bed.  We laid there for a moment… me savoring what I had given him.  I had this strange mix of pleasure and surrealism.  I love where my head goes when he uses me so roughly… its addictive. A few minutes passed before he pulled me into his arms.  He told me how much I please him… which made me smile.  I love hearing his approval… his praise.  It makes me want to endure anything to hear those words…. to make him happy.  We laid there for a bit before he told me it was shower time.  I so badly wanted to cum.. I could feel how wet I was.  I was afraid to ask… I didn’t want to be denied… but I needed the release… and so I went for it.

He asked me why I deserved to cum.  My answer was that I did as he asked without complaining… which caused him to smirk.  He gave his approval…. I thanked him… then rolled onto my back and reached down to my clit.  I was amazed at how wet I was as I dipped into my cunt to wet my fingers.  His hands laid on me… touching me… pinching my nipples.  Words flowed out of his mouth… driving my urgency to cum.  I am sure only a few minutes passed before I rubbed myself to a earth shattering orgasm.  He sighed with approval… loving the fact that he has control over making my body feel that good.  Yes… I love starting mornings like this.

(30 Days of Kink will resume tomorrow… I needed a break!)

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

There’s stories… erotica… novels that share the life of BDSM… or Gor.  It talks about slave girls and boys… kept as sex toys.  They are trained to serve and used at any moment of the day.  They are punished severely when they don’t do as they are told… and this… this is hot.  This turns us on.

This fantasy holds a special place… it has it’s own purpose.  It can be created a brief period of time… but cannot be done every moment of each day.  People can’t be kept naked.. chained at home until they are pulled out to be used.  It would drive a person mad and will decrease the value of said slave or submissive.  A valuable one is multifaceted.

The fact of the matter that most slaves or submissives are workers… are family members… are parents.  They have more than role.. and so have to learn to juggle their devotion to their Dom and all the other things that are required of them.  I think without these things… the fantasy of being an owned sex slave only looses it’s luster.. because it becomes everyday life.

Being a slave  is certainly not always something that makes me wet.  It is a challenge at times…. trying at times.  Sometimes I just plain don’t want to be that… because it’s easier not to be.  It doesn’t change though… even when I want to be just a wife, I’m still his slave.  I look forward to the times he uses me… when we play, but the reality of our life is that a very small portion is like that.  Most of my day is spent working… then coming home to cook and clean… take care of the children, and somewhere in there find time for a little me time while I take care of Ben’s needs.  It’s a busy life. It sounds unrewarding, but the truth of it is… it’s very rewarding.  I love my life… my life as his slave.    It may not be a thing of erotica novels… but it’s something special to me.