Category: marriage

>HNT: symbols

>symbol (sim-buhl)-noun: something used for or regarded as representing something else; a material object representing something, often something immaterial; emblem, token, or sign.

There are many symbols in our world.
When a person wears a ring on their left hand… generally it means that that person is spoken for… married or intent. Sometimes it’s just a sign of commitment. Either way there is a heavy weight put behind this outward statement of such an inner feeling.

For me… my wedding and engagement rings are a sign that I am married. It means that I have promised myself to my husband for the rest of my time on this Earth. I wear my rings everyday… all day. They are special to me… a part of who I am now.

When a person wears a collar… generally it means a person is owned in some form or another. The depth of such ownership is decided upon the couple. A collar is also equally as heavily weighted as a ring as it is not something that should be taken upon lightly. It’s a commitment all of its own… to be in a relationship that is ran by one partner sexually and/or in everyday life.

For me… my collar is a sign that Ben is my dominant… sexually. We are equal partners in all other things. It means that I agree to submit to him… to meet a sexual need we both have. I wear my collar everday… all day. It is special to me… a part of who I am.


>If you haven’t read part one yet… feel free to do so here. 🙂

When we got up to our room.. I kicked off my heels. I was certainly happy about that after hiking half a mile back to hotel. That sure doesn’t SEEM like a lot… but when you don’t wear heels a lot, it sure is. I walked over to the huge windows and pulled open the curtains. I looked out over the city towards the Space Needle all lit up… and smiled. It had been a wonderful night…. quite possibly one of the best dates we have ever been on.

Ben walked up behind me… wrapping his arms around me. We stood there together.. soaking in the beautiful sight and just enjoying being together. I closed my eyes and sighed… knowing that this moment was perfect- that nothing else mattered at that second but being there with him.

Minutes passed before I felt the warm touch of his lips on my neck. My eyes stayed shut… as they continued down my neck to my left shoulder. I turned my head back just enough for me to open my eyes to see him just for him to look up at me. My breathing was already shortening…. my body already tingly and needing him.

Our lips met… kissing each other wanting to encompass each other. I shifted.. turning around to face him… he wrapped his arms around me pulling my body into his. Our hands wandered… my hands reached around running my fingers over the fabric that covered his ass.

His mouth parted from mine… and back to my neck causing my head to fall to the side allowing him access. In my daze… he had unzipped my dress…. and then pulled it down off my shoulders. It fell to the ground, a puddle at my feet leaving me only in my bra in front of him. I took the opportunity to pull his shirt out of his pants then started unbuttoning it…. wanting him in the same state of undress as me.

Once all the buttons had cleared the holes…. I ran my hands up his chest… our mouths busy with each other. I reached his shoulders then pushed the fabric off him… adding to the pile at our feet. Quickly my fingers went to work on his belt… unbuckling it.. then to his pants. Before long… we were both completely naked.

Ben pushed me to the floor… and I wasted no time taking his cock into my mouth. He sighed with pleasure finally feeling the wetness of my orifice. I went slow at first…. on my knees… while he looked out over the city, knowing that at any minute someone from the neighboring apartments could see in. What a show that would have seen.

My pace picked up.. his hand on my head…. his hips meeting my movements. He was becoming rougher… taking charge in only the way he can do to me. He pulled away… turning me then pushing my face down, leaving my ass in the air. Ben straddled me and slid in with such force it took all I could for my face not to rub against the carpet.

He slammed into me over and over…. I still struggled to keep my head away from the carpet… it certainly was a challenge. It was a balancing act between pleasure and pain… so much so… I wasn’t sure how I felt about it… but I went with it anyway.

Finally he decided I had enough…. and got off me… pulling me onto the bed. I laid on my side giving him entrance to any hole of his choosing. My leg hooked his waist pulling him to me… till I felt the head of his cock press against my ass. He pressed gently… I gasped… then asked for lube (that I had conveniently packed for such an occasion… always be prepared for anything on vacation I say).

He reached over to the end of the bed where our black backpack was laying…. I guided him to the right pouch. He pulled it out… drizzled some on us both… then guided his cock into my ass. As always he met some resistance but slowly kept to his task of stretching. When he finally was in to the hilt… he gradually moved in and out… getting the muscles to relax and accept the intrusion.

Once I was just as much into it… over the initial pain…. he quickened his motion. My hand was on his chest… moaning with pleasure….. the other on my clit. Time faded away… I don’t know how long we were at it before I begged him to cum. I needed to feel him fill me… to fill my ass…

My fingers moved up to his nipple… tweaking it… knowing that would push him over the edge. His movements started to become ragged… I knew he was close. I knew all I had to do…. just a few words…

“Cum in my ass please”.

His eyes snapped shut…. a few more thrusts… and then his body shook… and he grunted with each spurt inside of me. A couple more thrusts left him completely spent… he pulled out… then laid down next to me. I curled up into his arms. It was just after midnight by then… our anniversary.

“Happy Anniversary baby… I love you”, I said… laying my head on his chest and sighing.

The perfect date indeed.

>another year


Three years ago.. I married my best friend… and it was the best day of my life.

Everyday since… has only been better… through the rough and the good times… he’s been my rock.


My dearest Ben…

Without you… I’d be lost. No words truly grasp the way I feel…

Happy Anniversary my love!!

>The other morning I was on my way to work… at a stop light I opened up Facebook. As the updates came… there was my 18 year old niece…. saying she was engaged. I don’t know who else feels like this… but when you watch a kid grow into an adult… its hard to make that transition into thinking they truly are grown up. It was odd to see that she was in fact getting MARRIED.

I can’t help but worry that she is too young… that she’s see far too little of this world… and that she can’t possibly know who she is yet. I know I didn’t… even if I thought I did. I’m not saying that getting married at 18 doesn’t work. What I am saying is… that it takes a lot of work. Marriage is work even when you’re 40 let alone 18. I wonder if they truly know the gravity of what they are going into.

I know at 18 I thought I knew what the whole world was about… that I knew it all. The reality is that I am a different person now than I was then. This may not be the case for her… and for her sake… I truly hope this is true. I just really want her to be happy and have a wonderful and full life. I also hope that this works… and that twenty years from now… they are going to be going strong.

The truth is…. I do very much like her fiancee. He’s a great guy… and adores my niece. I have no problem with him at all. I just worry that’s all. I’ve always been a worrier… and I doubt that will stop anytime soon.

At any rate.. there has not been a date set. My niece is going into the Navy… and leaves for boot camp in May. She said they are going to wait till after that and some schooling she has to go through.. so at least the summer of 2011. I think that will give them time to let their very young (6ish months) relationship weather the test of time and distance. If they can make it through that… I’m fairly certain they can make it work.

Love is a strong thing…but it takes more than that to make a marriage work. I know all of you who are married totally understands that. And like I said… I just want her to be happy…. and him for that matter…. they are good people.

(And before I get attacked…. I hope that I didn’t come off as saying that getting married at 18 is wrong… I just think it brings some added weight. You have to grow up together essentially. I know it’s not impossible… many people have done it.)

>Ben and I were recently asked if we wanted to play with another couple and to go to a swingers party. It SOUNDS sooo exciting. I was bummed when we didn’t go (I got over it though). But of course.. there are a few things that keeps this from happening.

  1. Ben and I are both kinda possesive of each other. Let me clarify that… we don’t really want to share each other with someone else. Having friends.. and doing things outside of each other are A okay…. but as far as being intimate with another… I think this would be very traumatic for each of us. Sooo for us to join another couple… this is sharing… and well.. yeah.. probably end with some hurt feelings.
  2. Ben is not comfortable having sex in front of others… no pictures.. not in the same room… not on cam. The idea of it.. just is not appealing to him. Me on the other hand… I think this is incredibly exciting. I have really come into my own voyeurwise in the last few years. There is something very, very erotic about watching another person/couple in the midst of something sexual. But again.. that’s just me. We are a couple… and so we have to find a common ground to where both will be comfortable.
  3. Past experience…. I’ve been down this road. I trust Ben completely.. but those bad memories… still taint my mouth. In fact… I completely trust said couple as well. They are awesome. This is my hang up.. no one else’s.

Despite this stuff.. it doesn’t keep me from thinking about how fun it COULD be. I feel like we kinda missed out on a great experience.. but if he’s not in it all the way… then I’d rather not do it at all. Keeping our healthy, happy relationship is way more important to me than one night of craziness.

What I do get from this is…. really hot masturbation material! So its not a complete waste!

>I wonder, the life I would have lived…. had I made different choices along the way.

Would I be where I am today? Had I not had children… and did the four year college thing.. would I live in the Northwest? Probably not… because at each decision… at each fork in the road… there is a different outcome.

Perhaps I could have graduated with a degree in marketing as I had dreamed…. and live in some large city… doing the grind… behind a desk some where. Dress to kill everyday… with a go getter attitude putting my social life on a back burner to further myself up the corporate ladder. But really? Is that truly me.. I think not.

Perhaps I could have married someone else… never having kids… living in a the high life with my powerful husband… in a condo we had long since payed for. Encircled by our flashy friends that would make me question if they were true friends.

Or.. perhaps I’d be in a devastatingly unhappy marriage… the typical house mom… staying at home.. making dinners and cleaning house. Carpooling the children that I would have had to soccer and baseball. Always the ever faithful, happy wife on the outside but deep down loathing my busy, but some how boring life.

See… no matter how many infinite different versions of me there could have been… I can’t help but be thankful for the me that I am. I have made some not so wise decisions in my day, but in that same breath, I have made some pretty damn good ones. Had I not made each and every one of those, I would not be here.. I know that… I would not be married to Ben.. I would not have the children I have… who really knows where and who I would be.

Quite frankly, I’m happy not know what other version I could be.

>Today is our anniversary. 🙂 We won’t be having too much time together today as Ben has to work late… and I have to work tomorrow.. but we will be making the most of what little we do get. It’s one of those things that seems like… wow.. we’ve been together that long… but in the same instance it really does seem longer.. in a good way of course. It seems like we’ve been with one another for years upon years.. that we are so much apart of each other.. that being apart is not something that even makes sense anymore.

I just have to say… I love that man… so much.. words do not describe how I feel. When I kiss him… my breath is still stolen…. and my heart flutters. I still miss him insanely when we are not together. We still text each other each morning and call on lunches. I don’t think that I could have found a more well suited partner if I had been looking.

I wanted to share with you all… the words I spoke to my husband on the day we were joined in marriage. We wrote our own vows.. and I spent weeks writing and revising.. just to get them perfect. In the end… I was proud of the words that fell from my lips… and filled with such joy and love… seeing his reaction. Even now it makes me misty to think back on that day… that wonderful day.

My darling Ben- to say that my heart is yours from this day forward would be wrong, because it’s always been yours since the day I met you. How do I sum up how I feel in a few words? It would never do our love justice. I don’t promise to one or two things… I promise my everything. I promise to be your most loyal friend despite what may come our way. I will be honest and faithful to you. I vow to respect you for your uniqueness and be by your side, encouraging you to strive to always be your best and comfort you when you stumble. I will be there to wipe away the your tears and spend endless hours laughing with you. I will give you my best to build a life with you, to grow old with you along life’s journey. But most importantly, I promise to love and cherish you every day of my life because without you I would never be complete.



I love you more than I did yesterday…. you are so special to me. We’ve come so far… and have so much further to go… thank your for being you. Happy Anniversary my darling.

>My father was a drunk.

As far back as I can remember… he drank… sometimes to excess… but certainly every single day of the end of his life.

Apparently… he was not always like this… my half brothers tell a story of a very different man. A man whom was the stand up type… someone you would look up to. A good family man… a preacher… and somewhere… somehow.. that all changed. No one has ever told me why… and perhaps… no one ever really knew why… except him. My Dad was tight lipped about all things in his past. Now that he is gone… all that is left is the questions… that will never have answers.

When I was born, my Dad was in his 50’s already… his life more than half over. I’m not sure why he felt the need to have another child… perhaps I was an opps… I would not doubt that for a moment. I don’t know if my parents married before or after the revelation of my impending birth… but either way… they married.

I remember being four. My Mom had went to the store to pick something up.. leaving me with him. He had been drinking… a poor choice in my opinion to leave a little girl with a drunken person.. parent or not. At the time my only friend was my very older cousin’s dog. He and I went everywhere together.

Dad went into the house to go to the bathroom… leaving me outside. I, of course, wandered off into the woods following my “friend” into the depths of the swamp. I remember being knee deep in water… scared and crying because the dog had taken off faster than I could keep up… and so.. I was lost.

At some point I was found… and of course… punished. This my friends… is my earliest memories.. having my ass beat by my drunken father… because he was too gone to make sure I followed him into the house. Nice. Granted, I shouldn’t have wandered off… but I was FOUR. I still hold a bit of resentment for that…. probably always will.

There are stories just like that littered throughout my childhood. When I became old enough to fight back… I did. My mother surely never stood up for me.. even when I was right. She just “wanted to stay out of it”. It was not a very fun environment to grow up in to say the least.

I remember when he moved out of the house and into a camper trailer on our land…. how he would never work… and how he would spend hours laying in bed doing crosswords and smoking with lines of empty beer cans against the bed. In all of my memories… few are good ones of him.

This man drank till the day he died.. literally. He had drank for so many years of his life.. that he could not go a day without at least one drink… it was sad really… I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him and resentful all in the same thought. I never really got why I deserved the father that was cut off from the world.. and why my brothers… had a Dad that was always there for them.

And now.. I’m an adult… shouldering the ghosts of my past… realizing the damage his drinking did in my life. How when Ben drinks… it upsets me… not because he’s an ass… or hurts me.. quite the opposite.. he is a funny drinker. But subconsciously… I feel this… I don’t know how to describe it… perhaps its bitterness… or maybe even fear. I know deep down that Ben is not going to be like my Dad…. he would never put me through having a drunk as a husband. However… I just hate when he drinks.. for no good reason. It is so far and few between…. and yet… it just eats me up inside. I’m fairly certain that is why I can only stomach one or two drinks now…. or why I was never really a partier.

It’s amazing the scars we leave on our children…. it makes me fearful of the ones I will leave on mine. No matter how wonderful a parent.. there is bound to be something… some impression that you leave on them… that is not a good one. One thing is for sure… I will never have them live through the horrors of a drunken parent… no way.

>a glimpse

>The alarm goes off… snooze is it… several times. I was never a snoozer until I met Ben. I always know how many of them I can have before I truly HAVE to get up. I roll out of bed reluctantly… not wanting to leave the warm bed that I share with my husband. Lucky man, he gets to still sleep… for me it is time to start my day… and leave for work.


Work is crazy… the manager had a death in the family.. and so therefore, I end up having to help bake. Diane is back at the bench baking with me… so the day is going by rather quickly. She makes a phone call to her friend who just had a baby only twelve hours earlier.

“Is he cute?”, she asks…. I laugh at her… and ask her what new mother doesn’t think their baby is cute? I mean.. really.


Lunch has come and gone… the end of the day is approaching way too quickly work wise.. but good that I get to be going home soon. We’re making cream cakes.. which in all reality all they are is oversized pudding rings. We’re trying to make the process go quicker and so we’re scooping the batter together.

I keep dropping some on her arm… not meaning to of course… I told her… if I really meant to… I would drop my whole handful on her.


In the car on the way home… I’m pretty tired… I worked really hard.. and honestly all I want to do is go home. I’m driving Ben’s car which has a quarter tank of gas… I know the nice thing to do is to get gas for him so he doesn’t have to early in the morning when its colder out.

I’m torn.. and the closer I get to gas station does not bring any decision. The internal conflict goes on until I turn into the station… I guess I’m filling up his tank.


At home its the usual family stuff. The kids being kids… trying to get dinner started.

“What are we having for dinner Momma?”, the youngest asks.

“Food”, I respond… just as I always do when she asks. She cocks her head to the side and give me a yeah right look.

“Just tell me”, she says.

“I told you, food.” She eyeballs the mean I’m preparing, “Tacoes?”.


“Spaghetti!!!”, she exclaims.. its going to be an easy dinner night for once.


Kids are finally in bed… and its time to truly relax. Ben and I are on the couch watching a show. His legs are on my lap… all kicked back and relaxed. I feel his toe brush over my nipple… I let out a sigh and close my eyes. Feels so good.

I look over at him as he stops and looks all innocent. I smile and turn back to the tv. Again I feel his toe teasing my now very hard nipple. I don’t look over this time… only enjoy the sensation of his tease.


After our shower.. getting ready to go to sleep.. I lay across the bed… my face against the mattress. I smell him… that scent that drives me mad and turns me into a cat in heat. I just lay there and sniff (yes I’m strange like that).

“It smells like you baby”, I say.

“Well who else would it smell like?”, Ben asks.

“I dunno.”

“You’re getting my side of the bed wet”, talking about the wet head that I am sporting. He grabs his pilling and puts it down on top of my head, fluffing it. And let me tell you.. this pillow is like SUPER heavy.. you could kill someone with this thing.


Facing each other… we touch… his hand rubbing up and down my spine. The wave of arousal washes over me and I am his… without a doubt. We kiss… not hot and heavy… but slow and intense. Our hands explore one another’s body…. I’m engulfed in his every move.

His hand moves up and grasps the side of my neck… firmly. I feel the wetness grown between my legs… the twinge of need. He lets go… and adjusts his hold…. getting a good handful of of my scruff. I am in awe and in lust of him… of the power that he has over me.

Again, he readjusts… this time both his hands find their way around my neck.. cutting off my air. The rush of the lack of air comes over me and I signal him to let go…. I feel faint for a breif second… and in my head…. I hear myself ask more… more please… do it again.


We’re on our backs… my arm draped over his stomach. The other free hand is intertwined with his… laying there in our afterglow… the bliss that great sex brings.

“What are you thinking?”, curiously I ask.

“About how good you feel in my arms”

“MMmm yes, me too.”

My eyes still closed.. I sigh…, “You know baby… this is the best part of my day. Laying in bed with you.. the house is quiet… and its just us… together.”

“I know what you mean… it’s mine too.”


I’m still unstable but I manage to roll out of bed to clean up. He meets me at the end, I smile and lean into him…. bumping our heads into each other. We chuckle, that giggle that lovers share…. that only they can… when something silly has happened, but its not ackward… it’s almost sweet.

We kiss and hug… our naked bodies pressed against each other.


I can hear the tell-tale sign that he is drifting off to sleep. He almost always does this before me. I turn a bit… he stirs…. I tell him I love him… and good night. He, the same.

I roll over followed by my beloved and am encased in his arms… again I sigh and smile… soon I’ll be asleep.

>We celebrated Valentine’s Day early this year because I have to work all next weekend… so we figured this weekend would be the best. After all… it’s not about the day per say.. but about us.

I had been thinking and planning our night for about two weeks now. I am the planner of our relationship… Ben doesn’t plan anything- which is fine. This is how our day unfolded.

Last night.. I made up an excuse to go outside to my car… instead I went to his car and filled the front with balloons, Hershey’s kisses, and a note telling him I love him and to have a good day. This morning he called me after I got to work to thank me for it and tell me how much he loved it… that it brought a big smile to his face… and that “I was the best hunny ever”. So the morning started out really good.

After work, I came home and straightened the house. I was afraid I wasn’t actually going to get everything put together before he got home.. but I pulled it off. I cut up fruit for an appetizer.. blew up more balloons.. laid out rose petals on the ground and bed… lit candles… and started my playlist going that I had put together specifically for this.

When Ben got home… he gave me the cutest stuff bears.. its a couple.. one is dressed as a devil and the other as an angel.. very cute. I kissed him to thank him… very passionately I might add. From there we headed to the bathroom to shower.

While he was shaving afterward, I got into a red satin nighty. I went into our bedroom where I had laid out drinks for us… the fruit, crackers, and cheese…. as well as his card and truffles I made (we decided not to exchange gifts since we’re saving for vacation). I went around the room lighting candles then went and waited for him in the bathroom.

After he was done… I led him into our room where we exchanged cards… mine made him cry *grins*. I was pretty proud of it… I made it as well. There’s just something to be said about the hand made touch… even if it does cost more.

When we were done, we opened our drink and poured it into the glasses I laid out.. then I took a scarf and tied it around his head. He leaned up against the head board as I hand fed him fruit… it was fun to say the least… and erotic all at the same time. Every couple bits I’d give him the glass to drink and such…. it really turned out better than I had envisioned.

When we were full… I leaned up and kissed him.. working my way down his neck. Ben always makes me feel beautiful and wanted.. but something about tonight… I just felt very sexy. I felt… passionate… and raw… in the wonderful way… that way you can only feel with someone who loves every thing about you… even your flaws.

We had amazing sex… I came… well who knows how many times… on top of our bed covered in rose petals. Afterward, I laid there cuddled up in his arms… thinking how perfect it was… how it was just how Valentine’s Day should be… not about jewelry… or flowers.. but about sharing a day… or night with the one you love.

That is what it is to me at least.