Tag Archive: 30 Days of Kink

30 Days of Kink- Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

If you’ve been around the BDSM community.. you will have heard this before.  I think the most important part of a BDSM relationship is communication.  Be it just a play relationship or deeper… it cannot work without communication.  The thing is though.. I don’t think that BDSM relationships differ from vanilla ones.  If you aren’t talking and expressing yourself…. it’s not going to work- be it a friendship or a marriage.

I think one of the biggest problems long term relationships run into is lack of talking.  People take advantage of the fact that their partner is there everyday.  They forget that they still need to talk about what is going on in their head and heart.  Over the years, we all change…. and a couple can change together or grow apart.  It’s a decision.   That doesn’t mean that will guarantee that the relationship will stand the test of time, but it will be easier if you’re sharing with each other inside of living separate lives… together.

Ben and I talk about everything… even when it’s hard.  Sometimes I can’t tell him to his face what is going on… and I am so glad there are other forms of expressing myself so that I can convey to him what’s going on with me.  Sometimes it’s easier for me to write it all out than actually saying anything.  Whatever way I do bring up stuff… it ends the same way…. we communicate how we feel and come up with a solution if there is an issue.  We’ve always been this way.. and because of it.. we have a great relationship.  He is my best friend.  I’d rather be with him than anyone in the world… he’s always my first choice to hang out with.  I’ve had my share of crappy relationships where there was no communication… and I can see the vast difference.

I feel really confident that as long as we continue talking… we will make it through anything.  I make the choice everyday to choose him… to choose us.  That’s the difference between a bad relationship.. and a good one.  Choosing to talk it out… and make the couple a priority.


Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

So I thought this was really too close to the last question.. and so I’ve decided to skip it!

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I haven’t really read many BDSM books… the only ones I have are the Anne Rice books about Sleeping Beauty.  On our anniversary we went to a great book store and I picked up all three.  I have read the first two but haven’t had a chance to crack open the third.  I really liked them… and read through in little to no time.

I think they are really hot in the totally not possible way.   They are a fun read though… the thing that fantasies are made of.  If you haven’t had a chance to read them, you totally should.  I think that all submissive women should… just don’t take it to heart.  There is no way that sort of slavery could be applied to the real world.  🙂

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

I guess kink has helped me embrace change and trying new things.  I am not good with change and never have been… but with kink, I’ve found myself welcoming it with open arms.  I think that is a great improvement.  I feel like it’s helped me grow as a person.. know myself better… enriched my character.  There is something awesome to be said about a person who knows themselves and what they want.  I can say that I totally know myself. Obviously I’m changing and evolving everyday… but I could describe myself to a tee… and it line up with someone who knows me well probably pretty close.  That is faults and all.  So kink, thank you very much!

30 Days of Kink-Day 18

First off.. I’d like to give mad props to the bloggers that blog everyday or even close to everyday.  I apparently am not one of those kinds of bloggers.  I really thought that I could do this 30 day challenge and complete it everyday, but life got in the way.. and there were days I plain didn’t want to!  So I’m going at my pace.  So there. 🙂

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

I’m sure I do have some.. but honestly nothing really comes to mind.  I can think of some things that annoy me about Fetlife.  There’s a submissive woman group.  This is all great, fine, and good…. except that going into this group is an enter at your own risk thing.  I guess it’s only a given when a group of women get together that there will be some drama… but I have never in my life ever seen such snarkiness.

I’ve seen people ask things that are kind of common sense, but they get treated like crap because they asked.  I personally think it’s wrong to be treated poorly because a person asked a question they didn’t know the answer to.  I think it goes back to the whole.. if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Just because someone knows the answer… just because many people know the answer doesn’t give anyone the right to act all superior.  Everyone was a beginner once.. and I think this is something a lot of people forget.

Don’t get me wrong, I see that all over Fetlife.. and it bothers me.  I just see it more in that particular group.  I tend to not go in that group that often because of it.  I certainly don’t want to post a question in there… for fear I’d get roasted for something that wasn’t apparent to me.  It just drives me crazy because I always thought that kinky people took pride in being open and friendly with each other… I guess that doesn’t apply in that group.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Gosh, where to start?  I think there are a lot of worthy misconceptions about the kink community at large that I could cover here.  I think I’m going to go with one that is close to home.  I think a lot of people feel like that being kinky makes you a bad parent.  This is just ridiculous!

The average kinky parent keeps their kink separate from their child or children.  Sex has no place in a kid’s world.  It is an adult thing… and so any responsible adult doesn’t bring up their sex life with their kids, let alone their kink.   I don’t see why anyone can’t see how that this is one in the same thing.  If being kinky makes you a bad parent, then so would having sex.  I can’t see the average person giving up sex.

There is a time and place for everything.  Obviously some kinks are hard to do when kids are asleep.. which isn’t so for vanilla sex (unless you have a child that doesn’t like to stay in their own bed!), but it something you can work around.  Kinky parents make time to take care of their children and themselves.  Taking care of yourself as a parent is important because its easy to get focused on the kids.  A vanilla mom takes time out to get a pedicure or lunch with friends.  A kinky dad takes time out to get a spanking.  You get the generalizations.  🙂  The point is… it doesn’t make you a bad person or parent to be kinky.  Everyone has the right to take care of themselves as long as they are doing it responsibly.

People are complex… vanilla or kinky.  Liking getting whipped doesn’t change being a good parent… it doesn’t change that you’re there to tuck them in at night, help with homework, or listen to any problem they have.  It is actually possible to do both.  Go figure.

30 Days of Kink-Day 16

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I think that the biggest thing to me is that so many people think I’m different because I like really rough sex.  Not everyone I’ve encountered understands it, much less embraces it.  The thing is that I really don’t care what people think of me and what I do.  I’m okay with being different.  If everyone was the same, it’d be a really boring world, no?

Oh and let’s not forget that having a kinky side can be a pain.  (Heh).  With vanilla sex, it can happen anytime anywhere (usually privately though).  A lot of the stuff I like to do has to be done when we are alone.  Our play time always happens on the weekend when the kids are away and noise isn’t an issue.  Sometimes I really want a spanking but it has to wait till we have alone time.  It can be frustrating because spankings always help me relieve stress.

Anyways.. this is a short one.. I’m beat.  Too busy.. not enough down time.

30 Days of Kink-Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Most of the things I’ve been interested in.. we’ve tried.  There are a few exceptions to that… but I’m only going to talk about one of those here.  I think it would be interesting/fun to try kitty or puppy play.  It would be cool to be down to an animal mentality of just following direction and just being.

Plus.. I think having a tail butt plug would be really awesome.  🙂

I don’t really have a reasoning behind why it think it’s intriguing… but I do.  Maybe there is something a little degrading about being put on that level.  Like being told to hump his leg like a little bitch… yeah.. that’s kind of hot.  Oh and the collar… one that would be just for this specific play.  Sort of one of those things that gets me into the mindset of what we are doing.

This isn’t really a concrete thing… more of an abstract idea in my mind.  It finds it’s way into my thoughts from time to time.  I’ve written Ben erotica based off this… going to a pet store and buying the collar.  Yeah.. I was slightly wet after I was done writing it.  Fantasies are good. 🙂

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

There’s stories… erotica… novels that share the life of BDSM… or Gor.  It talks about slave girls and boys… kept as sex toys.  They are trained to serve and used at any moment of the day.  They are punished severely when they don’t do as they are told… and this… this is hot.  This turns us on.

This fantasy holds a special place… it has it’s own purpose.  It can be created a brief period of time… but cannot be done every moment of each day.  People can’t be kept naked.. chained at home until they are pulled out to be used.  It would drive a person mad and will decrease the value of said slave or submissive.  A valuable one is multifaceted.

The fact of the matter that most slaves or submissives are workers… are family members… are parents.  They have more than role.. and so have to learn to juggle their devotion to their Dom and all the other things that are required of them.  I think without these things… the fantasy of being an owned sex slave only looses it’s luster.. because it becomes everyday life.

Being a slave  is certainly not always something that makes me wet.  It is a challenge at times…. trying at times.  Sometimes I just plain don’t want to be that… because it’s easier not to be.  It doesn’t change though… even when I want to be just a wife, I’m still his slave.  I look forward to the times he uses me… when we play, but the reality of our life is that a very small portion is like that.  Most of my day is spent working… then coming home to cook and clean… take care of the children, and somewhere in there find time for a little me time while I take care of Ben’s needs.  It’s a busy life. It sounds unrewarding, but the truth of it is… it’s very rewarding.  I love my life… my life as his slave.    It may not be a thing of erotica novels… but it’s something special to me.

30 Days of Kink-Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal.. that’s easy.  It fills a part of me that was missing before.  So many people seek something that they are missing… a relationship… a rewarding job… a new hobby… and for me… it was control.  There is something about it that spoke to me… that comforted me.    I felt like it just fit and that I’d found where and what I was meant to be.

How could I not be drawn to something that feels like home?  I love the way Ben’s control over me makes me feel.  It makes me feel like I’m in my spot in the world.  And when we have a scene… there is that lovely floaty space that it can take me to.  This strange little high… where the adrenaline courses through me.  Euphoria is how I would describe it best.  Pure happiness that very little can even touch.

Someone who’s never had that experience couldn’t possibly understand.  It’s like craving a food… and finally getting that first little bite.  Once you have it…. you breath in… and a appreciative moan is uttered.  It’s like the most amazing thing you’ve ever tasted.  It’s heaven.  That’s what a good spanking does for me… every time.  It’s like the most amazing food I’ve ever had… for more than just that moment.

That is the appeal.. it’s pure heaven.  And it’s addictive.

30 Days of Kink- Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

When we got the njoy plug almost two years ago… we played with it quite a bit.  At the time, there was no everyday wear rule.  It was more for play time than anything.  There was one night we were playing… and Ben was fucking my ass with it.  I was lost in the waves of pleasure it brought, oblivious to what was about to happen.

He pulled on it till it almost popped out then pushed it back in… when my ass ate it.  The muscle was working overtime… and got overzealous…. and sucked it into the anal cavity.  I stopped immediately.. just as he did.  Sheer terror washed over me.  I could envision going to the hospital with this stainless steel toy in my ass and having to bend over so a doctor (probably male) fish it out of me.  I was scared.. to say the least.

I remember what I said.. but I remember panicking… and Ben telling me to calm down.  I frantically told him to get it out after that.  He once again told me to calm down in a more stern way.  I took a deep breath and laid still.  He slid his fingers inside of my ass… and tried several times to get a good hold on it.  The lube that makes anal so much easier was in fact working against us in this endeavor.

He wasn’t giving up, though.  He kept at it, finally retrieving it from inside of me much to my relief.  We, of course, laughed hard about it once everything was okay again.  We picked up where we left off… minus one toy in the mix.  All I know is… I am so glad he got it out.  I don’t ever want to explain that to a doctor!