Category: submission

new beginnings-day one

Where to start.

Today is day one… of a new way of life.. a new way of thinking.. a new way of being.

It evolved so organically… yet still takes me by surprise. Ben and I have  been on a road to this day for a while now. Our taste for perversion was the window to a life we’ve decided to take on… once… it was just that.. perversion… that started in our bedroom.  The how it all became official is really unimportant. What is important is the fact of the matter…. I am owned. I am collared to my husband… and he owns every part of who I am. I have given this freely to him… with no reservation but a with hope and excitement… peppered with love.

We do not know what exactly lies ahead of us… what we do know is that we will navigate our lives together… him in the lead. We will find the way that works for us… that enriches us.

This is our journey.


It’s not always easy to say what goes on in one’s mind. To be transparent… holding nothing back is difficult at the best of times. There’s always something you hold back for yourself.  Sometimes its hard to communicate the most intimate things of your mind. Those dark corners that are hidden because of fear or shame. I so badly want to open myself up to Ben… to hold nothing back. For me it important to throw myself into this new life I’ve asked for… and been to graciously granted. I want to be the good little submissive he deserves… one that he rarely has to correct. It’s a high standard to set. I just so badly want to please him… for him to be proud he has such a good wife.

I know that I’ll not always live up to what he expects… no one can do that. No one is perfect. I want to have such a tight leash on what he expects so that when I do mess up.. he knows. I don’t want to have to confess wrong doing… that act seems so difficult. In doing so… I know I’m basically asking to be punished. Who in their right mind would want that? (haha). The way I see it, though, if I do not confess something he doesn’t know about… then I’m not honoring what I asked for. I went out of my way to get this… to ask him for this… and it would be a huge disservice to that. I think something like this is all or nothing… you can’t do it halfway or it won’t work.  And so, I’ll embrace my submission.

Embrace my submission… such a funny thought… one that I never thought I’d say. Here I sit… living something that I sort of envied others for… and denied that I could ever do. I always felt I was too strong willed… that somehow it would take away part of who I am. The thing is…. all along.. it already was part of who I am. It took time and life experience to learn that I wanted it… that everything up until this point was just a road to where we are now. I can’t think of anything I want more in this very moment…. it just feels… right.  I don’t feel any lesser than I was… in fact I feel… more.  And even though I know it won’t always be easy… this is the life I choose… the one I want to share with my husband.

I feel… so alive.


>HNT: symbols

>symbol (sim-buhl)-noun: something used for or regarded as representing something else; a material object representing something, often something immaterial; emblem, token, or sign.

There are many symbols in our world.
When a person wears a ring on their left hand… generally it means that that person is spoken for… married or intent. Sometimes it’s just a sign of commitment. Either way there is a heavy weight put behind this outward statement of such an inner feeling.

For me… my wedding and engagement rings are a sign that I am married. It means that I have promised myself to my husband for the rest of my time on this Earth. I wear my rings everyday… all day. They are special to me… a part of who I am now.

When a person wears a collar… generally it means a person is owned in some form or another. The depth of such ownership is decided upon the couple. A collar is also equally as heavily weighted as a ring as it is not something that should be taken upon lightly. It’s a commitment all of its own… to be in a relationship that is ran by one partner sexually and/or in everyday life.

For me… my collar is a sign that Ben is my dominant… sexually. We are equal partners in all other things. It means that I agree to submit to him… to meet a sexual need we both have. I wear my collar everday… all day. It is special to me… a part of who I am.

>Sometimes I think that the frustration builds up… so much that no matter how many times you notch away at it…. it continues it’s upward climb. Sometimes I think the only way to actually bring it to it’s knees is to bring the GIRL to her knees…. till she’s a puddle of tears… but somehow- it frees her.

I think I’m kinda at that point. The point where I just need to be reduced to a pile of flesh. I can tell… because I’m sensitive to everything. Things that wouldn’t normally irritate me… have been. I need a healthy dose of Ben beating my ass to bring balance back to me.

I need him to… beat me… push me… take from me… and then.. put me back together… all fresh…. and free.

>It has been a week since we last had sex… because the dreaded aunt had come to visit. We were both frustrated.. missing our coupling. I received a phone call from my nephew saying he was on his way over to mow our lawn. We pay him to mow our lawn each week so that he can earn some cash and well… because we don’t really like mowing the lawn.

We laid there in a groggy state after I got off the phone… but there is no way I was going pass up a chance to feel him inside of me. I slide my hands under the sheets to his hip moving it over to awaken his cock. I rubbed gently getting a sigh of pleasure from him. I worked a few minutes on him before he was fully awake.

Before I knew it Ben’s hands were on my clit… rubbing rough circles. My body reacted immediately… back arched… enjoying the much missed attention. All the while I kept my hand on his cock.. stroking up and down .

After a bit of this.. I could not take it… I needed to feel full…. and so I shoved his hands lower… urging him to plunge his fingers into my wet hole. And he did… deep… sliding them in and out quickly… making my muscles tighten around his appendages. I was almost over powered by the sensations… but not quite.

Soon I was being turned onto my side… slightly lifting my leg to allow him access to my most tender of places. He slid in with ease… me gasping as he did so. A satisfied moan escaped my lips… almost as to say finally!

He started pumping his hips. His fingers inched up my torso till they found their home on my nipple. His initial touches were gentle… kneading them between two fingers. The gentlness soon melted into something more primal… more aggressive. He started tugging on my bud… pull and pinching making me cry out.

Then his assault changed…. he released me… then slapped his palm down on my breast…. I winced in pain. I loved every minute of it. Next came his fingers… raking over my chest. They went from one side to the other… leaving red lines in their wake.

He would spend the next bit alternating till they were screaming for relief. I pulled away a little… needing the break… needing a change. A change was what I got… his hand found a new place to attack… my ass…. there in front of him… begging to be spanked.

This, however, was no nice warm up spanking… this was harsh… take your breath away spankings. One after another… in a nice little row… sharp and to the point. My hands left my chest to cover my ass…. only for him to find my breasts again… slapping them again.

I squirmed… wanting the attack to end in one way… but not wanting it to end in other ways. I recovered my chest…. and as before… he found another target. He lifted my leg into the air… and made contact with my inner thigh. I yelped.

I decided it was time to give my body a break and wiggled out of his clutches onto my back. I moved my fingers to his nipple… taking it between my fingers and rolling it… all the while he kept fucking me.

“Make yourself cum”, he ordered… and so my free hand found itself rubbing my clit… bringing myself quickly to orgasm at his command- my cunt tightening around him.

“Pinch your clit now… until I cum”, he once more directed. I made no point of protesting… I knew that I had no fight in me. So I took the tiny bud in between my fingers and pinched. I could feel my muscles tighten around his cock again… all the while he moved in and out. His finish was not far off… and I was right… moments later his body shuddered… his seed spilling into me.

I hooked my leg aroud his back… pulling him deep inside as he pulsed into me… then let go of my clit… enjoying the product of our desire. Soon he slid out of me… and I curled into him… smiling.

>Where does the need for pain come from? How does one recognize that need inside themselves?

I can honestly say… I do not know where my need comes from.. or if there is even a reason why I am the way I am. I know a lot of people tend to say that devious wants come from a history of some sort of abuse…. but for me.. I had wanted that (just maybe not realized it) before I ever had an abusive relationship.

Growing up.. I can honestly only remember a handful of times I was spanked. I was a willful child… and generally got whatever I wanted. There was few to no rules in my house.. and I frequently boasted about this… that “I could do whatever I wanted”. I ruled my house.. and I knew it. No was really not something I was told.

Whether or not that was a good thing… well.. I know it wasn’t a good thing, but had I been in an environment in which there was structure… would I be who I am now? Probably not. I mean.. I did not turn out that bad, but I certainly could have.

I went from that life.. to a life filled with a lot of pain… not a good pain. My first real relationship was with a man that felt the need to hit me. Usually when we would fight. I am a strong willed girl… and easily am angered by some people. This, of course, lead to a lot of very unpleasant… tear filled moments.

But even though I endured physical abuse.. I still longed to feel a man’s dominance over me sexually. It seems kind of weird to me.. that the idea of it would send me screaming in the other direction. Deep down I guess I know that being dominated I’m not being hurt in a negative way.. and perhaps that is the key here.

Still though, that does not answer where it began… what moment began that addiction? Or maybe.. just maybe it was not environmental induced. Perhaps it is just the way my mind and body are wired… that it is just as much a part of me as my eyes being brown.

Whatever the origin…. it is highly enriching… and brings me much pleasure. So…. it cannot be a bad thing.

>Yesterday was a particularly horny day for me… not that I’m not horny everyday but some days are worse than other. That was yesterday without any doubt… I could barely stand it. I knew I didn’t have a shot in hell, though, because Ben had called on his lunch and said his back was really sore. I let that dream of sex go and gave into self fulfillment.

By the time we went to bed, I still wanted sex, of course…. but like I said, gave up on that idea. We laid next to each other talking as we always do… when the comfort of each other engulfed the room. We cuddled in silence… just enjoying being together. Out of no where Ben reached over and started gently stroking my face.

His fingers brushed my lips sending a jolt of electricity through my body. I was not sure if he was being tender or if he was initiating something. I tried to hold back.. not let the lust get the better of me.. but when he continued… I could no longer reign it in.

Soon his fingers worked their way down to my nipples… giving them hard, short tugs….. pain rushed through them. I let out a whimper and then a sigh. He got up off the bed to his knees… one hand cupped my mouth and nose.. the other…. still tweaked my nipples. He was rough… and it was hard not to scream.

At some point I got on all fours and took his cock deep into my mouth. He grabbed my ass and pulled me closer to him… getting better access to my pussy. He took handfuls of my ass and pussy and induced agony on my sex. It was almost too much to take… I went between gasping for air, whining, and working his cock over.

Finally he pulls away… satisfied with his abuse and climbed off the bed. He called me to him… so I followed and got to my knees. His cock fit perfectly back into my mouth…. he went back and forth between gentle and forceful… ordering me to not breathe until I came over and over. After I would cum, I would pull back and gasp for breath.

Satisfied with my many orgasms he asked if I was ready for him to fuck me… I let out a desperate yes. He had me get on the bed on my back and spread my legs…. then pulled me closer to where he wanted me. The tip of his cock touched my awaiting cunt…. and I let out a sigh. He glided in with ease all the way to the bottom. I reached my hands above my head.. letting him take my body however he wanted…. enjoying feeling him filling me up.

After a few strokes.. I reached down… and started making tiny circles on my clit.

“I want to feel you cum on my cock.. cum for me”, he ordered.

“Hurt me”, I begged… in which he happily obliged.

He took the tender folds of my pussy in his fingers… yanking on them… pinching them… making me writhe in pain. Minutes passed and I came again…. but he did not let up. Before I knew it… this sting of pain ripped through me…. and I panicked. It hurt in a different way and I tried to get away. My breathing labored…. and I wiggled… but he grabbed my arm and pushed it into my chest, calming me.

He went back to the business of fucking me… and leaving my pussy alone. It was not long after that he came… and I laid there…. feeling weak. When I gathered myself we crawled up and laid next to each other… warm from all the exercise.

We cuddled some more before he decided I had not came enough. He moved into between my legs and drove his fingers deep inside of my much used sex. I moaned happily…. knowing that it would not be long before his expert fingers worked me into a frenzy. When I got close… my fingers rushed down… to aid him in his work.

I circled the little nub quickly.. my body rigid with the impending orgasm. It was intense… I knew that it was going to be a strong one. Ben was telling me to cum over and over… and finally…. I hit my breaking point. My body shook… hard…. my breathe was ragged… intense does not describe this one. Tears came to my eyes and my chest heaved with fierce breathes.

Ben climbed up beside me.. pulling me into his chest.. comforting me… holding me close to help me compose myself. It was minutes before my labored breathing went back to normal and my trembling stopped.

Soon… and this is where we enter the TMI part… so be forewarned…. we got up to get cleaned up. He had glanced at his hand… which was coated in blood… I am not on my period. While I was doing so… the sharp pain returned. I tried hard not to cry. When we got back to the bathroom I asked Ben to look at it. I laid back, spreading my legs… fearful of what he was going to find.

He pulled the fold back.. looking deep inside…. he found a sizable cut that was bleeding. He felt terrible… and I reassured him that it was okay.. even if I was a bit freaked out. I was not made… I was more upset that the healing would take a couple days which meant… no sex.

I also had him take a picture so that I could see the laceration . It doesn’t look terrible.. but it I am going to have to stay on top of keeping it clean so it doesn’t get infected. Needless to say.. it is slightly painful. Having rough sex can be hazardous!

>It was late… shower time.. right before bed.. our nightly ritual. We were messing around after getting washed up.. playing around with each other…. or should I say.. I was antagonizing him. I tapped him on the forehead… he retaliated by grabbing my arm and swatting my butt; not hard.. just a playful little tap. I felt a twinge.. and knew I wasn’t going to stop… it would lead to more.

I did it a few more times.. and with each time.. he was more forceful… pulling my arm up higher and higher behind my back… smacking my ass a bit firmer. Before I knew it…. he had a good hold on me… pushed me up against the wall of the shower…. and started spanking me pretty hard.

I welcomed his assault… feeling the slight burn of the spanking and pulling of my arm. It was all kind of sudden…. but I was loving it… the unexpected. Within seconds I felt his fingers slide into my cunt from behind… filling me up… aggressively sliding in and out with such vigor it took my breath away.

He fingered my pussy hard and fast… not letting me catch my breath… then pulled out smacked me a few more times…before shoving me to the bottom of the tub. His cock penetrated my mouth.. and slammed into the back of my throat. He was brutal… not being easy on me…. as I gagged and fought to gain my composure. He wasn’t letting up though.. not till he was ready.

Minutes passed before he left me a heaving mess. I pulled myself together… stood in the warm water for a bit longer.. then left the shower. He had already left the bathroom.. I saw him in the hall area. He glanced at me.. in a kind of cold distant glance… it was kinda strange… and kinda thrilling all at once.

I brushed my teeth and did my before bed stuff then walked into our room.

Ben stood there.. completely naked… the warm glow of a candle filling the room. He reached out for me… cupping my neck and pushing me to the ground. Once again, I found my mouth filled with his cock…. penetrating my lips and back to my throat. He was not gentle… and I adored him for that.

Before long I was bent back over the end of the bed…. him straddling my face… riding me with no abandon. There was something beyond erotic to me about it… the way it felt to be there underneath him almost as he took what he needed from me. I was a puddle without a doubt.

While he did so.. he told me to rub my pussy… make it cum he instructed… and so while he was brutally fucking my face… I was vigorously attacking my clit…. moments away from explosion.

What lay ahead for me… left my face wet with tears…. and my cunt aching for more.


>I need you to hurt me…. to feel the sweetness that only that pain brings me.

I need you to not care… to have the cold, stern face of a man that is after pleasure.. and that alone.

I need you to break me… to rock me to the core and leave me a crying mess.

I need you to be in control…. and ignore my pleadings… my begging to stop.

I need you to mark me…. to see the evidence of your dominance over me days later.

I need you to push me…. and keep going till you’ve forced me to the edge and then over.

I need you to take me places I haven’t been in a while…. to remind my body that it is your’s… and if you choose to inflict pain on it… you will.

I need you to have your hands about my neck….. to feel that rush of air refilling my gasping lungs.

I need you to spank me… to refocus me… to send each nerve in my body on end because of the assault.

I need you to pull my hair… to force me to be the slut you know I am.

I need you to sink your teeth into my flesh…. to make me cry out.

I need you to collar me…. to remind me of my sexuality… that submitting is what I want.. what I need… what I lust for.

I need you to take me there…. and be there to hold me when I come back.

>my first flogging

>I had anticipated my first flogging from the moment we knew we were getting them. I could not wait to finally know what it felt like to be be whipped. I would sit and daydream about it… think about it as I fell asleep.. little did I know what I imagined would not quite be what it would truly end up being.

The two floggers came in a poster tube. I was stoked when I opened the front door and it was sitting there… waiting. I took them in and opened the container anxiously. I pulled them out… feeling the material against my skin. I felt giddy… just like a little girl in a candy store that just got the best lollipop in the place.

I put my leg out in front of me and lightly swung the leather against my skin. I shivered… loving the way it felt. I hit myself again… a little harder. I grinned and couldn’t wait till Ben would be home.

I picked up my phone and texted him that they had arrived… I got a,”Yay!” back.

Waiting for him to get home seemed like it took forever. I was so anxious.. I almost could not take it. When he got home I rushed over and hugged him then hurried off to grab the off our bed. I showed them to him with such glee it’s almost silly to admit.

We showered… and then had dinner. He said something about being tired.. and I felt the loom of disappointment coming over me. I tried not to get discouraged and be understanding… but it was hard.

When we finally went to bed… I got what I had wanted.

I walked into the room before him. He walked up beside me and grabbed the corner of the sheet and blanket, yanking them off the bed. He pushed me into a bending position towards the bed, my ass exposed. My heart raced with excitement as I saw him out of the corner of my eye picking up the red leather flogger.

“Is that what you want?”, he asked… I replied eagerly with a yes.

He started gently… warming me up. He laid the material on my back and drug it down the length to the bottom of my spine. My whole body seemed to melt… I was already breathing heavily… feeling the wetness grow between my legs.

Slowly he started to smack my back. It felt amazing…. in a relaxing sort of way. What I really wanted was to really just jump in head first… I’m sure he was doing it the best way though. His speed and intensity deepened… to the point that with every hit my body flinched… and I let out whimpers. He hit my back… and my ass… and my legs… and all it made me want was more.

He crawled around to in front of me with his cock standing at attention.. waiting for some attention. I greedily wrapped my mouth around it…. sucking vigorously… not giving any time to warm up. Ben went back to flogging my back…. picking up a rhythm as he hit me.

He told me to rub my clit and that I did. My body was trembling with arousal.. so much so I knew that I couldn’t contain it. Almost like he knew, he ordered me to cum for him. With this order an orgasm erupted through my body… but I didnt stop… nor did he… I wasn’t going to let go of the intensity.

Unfortunately, Ben had other plans. He pulled away from me… and went back behind me. He slapped my back really hard with the flogger then plunged his cock deep inside of my drenched pussy. I let out a scream of relief. We began fucking each other hard… me rubbing my clit still.. him still whipping me. It was fantastic to say the least.

I’m not sure how long he fucked me… I felt like I had went to another place and time… completely focused on the the pain and pleasure that was my very being at that moment. I did feel when he left me… the emptiness, only I did not have time to linger on it… as he was still flogging me.

I cried out for him to hit me harder.. I wanted him to push me… to push me hard. So hard that I would not be able to stand when he was done with me. I wanted that so very badly. He complied… making my skin burn under the whip. By then I had orgasmed several times… Im sure the bed and floor were soaked.

And then… nothing… no whipping… for a split second. Then out of the silence he grabbed a handful of hair and buried himself deep inside me again. He tugged hard… pounding away at my body. It was intense… it was just pure raw sexual heat that was between us. I wanted him to cum as badly as I did not want him to stop.

I made a quick decision and begged for him to cum in me. A few more thrusts…. he barked at me to cum with him… another thrust… and it was like hitting a wall… that daze… that sense of disorientation. We exploded together… both our bodies trembling from the onslaught…. breath shallow… hearts racing. It could not have been more perfect.

We collapsed into bed… holding each other close. I remember snuggling up to him… his arm wrapped around me holding me close to him, knowing that I could not love him more- feeling like the most special girl in the world.

>You know, it seems to me that since I stumbled across D/s that I see it in everything. Undertones of dominance and submission. I see it in movies and tv shows… I hear it in music… I see it in the way people interact.

I was driving to work this morning and was trying to find something to listen to… I rustled through my CDs and came across a burned CD that a good friend of made for me at Christmas. Admittedly I only like one song on the CD… but its a good one. I popped it in and fast forwarded to the song.

I started singing… and thinking about the words… and they just screamed submissive to me. Maybe I’m just reading into it… (which is very likely, just hearing what I want to hear)… but it just seems that way to me.

Of course it would be a male submissive… but still… submissive just the same. Its a sweet song in a strange context…. I’m not sure how I would feel if someone called me a pistol. BUT, it can totally be a good thing….. being feisty and all. I know that I can be a fireball in everyday life. *grins*

So.. hopefully you listened to it… am I crazy? I’m I hearing it right? I guess it doesn’t really matter. That is one of the wonderful things about music is that it can be what you want it to be even if the artist intended it to be. I know that I personally attach myself to songs. If I hear certain songs it can transport me back to a certain time in my life.. or even one single moment.

I’m not sure if I am alone in that as well…. hopefully not… I like to think that I identify with people in my strange little ways. It’s always nice to be understood…. for someone to just “get” me. Just to have those moments where they are like, “I totally know what you’re talking about”. Being told no, and that I’m crazy just doesn’t rank high on my list (hehe).

So yeah, whatcha think? AM I crazy? (maybe just a little huh?)