Tag Archive: rules

picking up where we left off

So.. I guess I’m back.  Honestly I am not ready to be back… but it’s time.. even if it’s not my choice.  It was nice to have a break… I needed it more than words can describe.  I had got to a point where I was just overwhelmed with everything in my life and I needed to shed some stuff that wasn’t necessary.  So the blog was one of those things.

So to give you an idea of what has transpired in my world since we last met..

To say that the last two months have been difficult would be a large understatement.  It seems like one thing after another happened and we were rolled up in the snow ball rolling downhill… turning into a huge unstoppable sphere.  It all started with Thanksgiving and some family drama.  Then came the death of Ben’s Mother… then the stress of Christmas.  There was also the end of a prospective relationship for Ben… that all just really took a toll on me… and especially Ben.  You’d think that after the holidays, things would settle down.  This was the furthest thing from the truth.

Directly after Christmas some issues I’ve been having with my children’s Father and his girlfriend came to a head.  Without going into details… basically his girlfriend was causing all sorts of issues and treating my oldest daughter very poorly.  It came down to her not even wanting to go over to see her Dad.  I took her over to get her things from his place and his girlfriend had a major meltdown while I was there.  I tried to work something out with him that would allow the girls to feel safe and see him without her being there… however he didn’t hold up his end of the deal and so I was left with extreme options.

It turned into a big fiasco.. and was really ugly for a while.  Things have settled down.. simply because I refuse to let it take my life hostage anymore.  I have sorted the whole situation.. for now.  I know there will be other issues down the road because she has proven herself to be less than a good person.  That’s all I will say about her.

On top of that… Ben was dealing with his own inner demons.  He was and is still mourning the loss of his Mother… and the loss of something he hoped he would have.  Both threw him for a big loop.  I could see it in him… I could see it in his behavior.  I could see it in his lack of Domlyness.  It was taking a big toll on our dynamic.  Our plate was just so full… and so as it was distressing… at the time I just couldn’t focus on it.  Ben needed to deal with what was going on in his head.  We talked about it a few times… but never really had any definitive answers or direction.

For me.. it felt like I was witnessing the death of our dynamic.  It was hard to think about.  I was torn… because part of me felt like it was a good thing.  I felt like I was changing… though in retrospect I think it was because I was forced to take on a leading role out of necessity, not because it was what I really wanted.  There were things that stayed…. I still followed a lot of the protocol that he had set out.  But there were things I deliberately stopped doing because I didn’t want to… because he wasn’t making sure I was actually following through.  I stopped wearing my plug.. which in some ways I loved… except when it came time to have anal sex (heh).  I made the choice to stop blogging without seeking his permission…. though, I did inform him after I made the choice.  These are things that would have been very bad.. and I’d have found myself in a lot of trouble and yet, he didn’t seem to care at all.  I felt a sense of relief but at the same time… there was this distinct sadness… loss…. and aimlessness.  If he wasn’t my Owner anymore.. then who were we?  No one else would or could ever own me the way he did.

I was losing something special.  I could feel it.

We talked some more… and not having our dynamic was not what either of us wanted.  He admitted that he didn’t feel domly… or know how to be my Owner anymore.  He felt lost.  I told him… I was his wife.. and his slave.  I told him in that moment.. what he needed was his wife.  And so.. I was his wife.  I did what I needed to do for him… putting what I needed aside.  We were going to get through this.

Now we’ve got to a point where we can put our dynamic back on track.  There is still struggles for him.. but it is time to get our life back to where we want it to be.. where we need it to be.  So today is the kick start.  It is time to start again.. to pick up where we left off months ago.  Honestly, I enjoyed my break.. there was something nice about it.  In the same thought though… there was something distressing and not right about it.  It’s a mixture of thoughts and feelings.  I am eager to be back where we were though.  I want to feel his ownership wash over me again.. and be back in the place that felt so right.  I am sure it won’t happen over night, it’s a process for sure.  In any case.. I am committed to it.. to him.  Every couple faces hardships… and the test of any relationship is how you weather those hardships.

So… I am back.  *waves* Hope you all are well… and I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule.  🙂


how do YOU masturbate?

Hello again boys and girls!  (heh) In today’s blog post we are going to talk about masturbation… say it with me… mas-tur-bation.  Very good!  The act of masturbation is not only fun but is good for you as well!  Everyone should do it!  Just sayin’.

I know that I personally do not get enough alone time for it.  If I’m lucky I will get to have a solo act once a week.  With kids and work… there is little time left for any Sierra alone time.  So when I do manage to get some, I don’t let it go to waste.  Before the recent rule changes, I’d have to ask for permission.  Sometimes I weighed the pros and cons… and if it was truly worth asking.  Getting a no would really suck.  Fortunately, 99% of the time Ben would say yes.

Since the change, I have to say that I have seen a difference in myself.  The very next day after we talked about it… I was insatiable.  It was something that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.. and it was a welcome change.  It was strange being able to touch my pussy without asking.. but nice at the same time.  I took full advantage.

So this lends itself to masturbation content.  For me personally my fantasies are filled with one of three people.  Ben, Issac, or the random faceless person(s).  My best friend and I have talked about this before and she thinks it’s weird that Ben is part of what I fantasize about.  She never uses her boyfriend in hers… she says she gets that.. why would she dream of that?  I say.. I love having sex so much with Ben.. that why on Earth would I not put him in my fantasies?

Ben is of the same thought… that I am not part of what he jerks off to.  It bothers me… and I try not to think about it.  Everyone is different and I try to understand and accept that.  I can handle it as long as it’s not shoved in my face.  I think the biggest reason why it bothers me is because it makes me feel like I’m not interesting enough or sexy enough to have a staring role in his fantasies.  This, of course, is silly because he chooses to be with me.. and have sex with me.  It’s one of the few insecurities I have.

In any event.. it doesn’t come up very often.  It’s a good thing… because if it came up all the time… I think I’d be a mess.  But it makes me wonder what others are like?  Are you more like me? Or more like Ben?  I inquired with Issac over the weekend to hear his answer.  His wife makes an appearance sometimes.  So he’s more like me.  🙂

So… I’m taking a poll… and the question is for partnered people be it that you’re married, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or engaged.  OR anywhere in between.   Thanks in advance for your responses!

rule revisions 2

So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

Punished- 10

I think some times as people we become complacent.  Admittedly.. I have become that… complacent… in my position as Ben’s slave.  It wasn’t on purpose by any means… merely the product of a set of events that have been in  motion for over a month.  It started when we went on vacation… and then fell ill right after we got home.  It was hard to keep up all the things I needed to do… and Ben took pity on me.  It was what needed to happen… in order for him to properly take care of me.  A broken and sick slave does no one any good.  I needed to heal… and given time.

This is all fine and dandy… had I resumed the same mentality that proceeded our vacation.  Somewhere in this… I hadn’t forgotten I was his slave… I just… became lazy.  It was easier to let things that I am do to fall to the side.  He wasn’t paying attention it seemed… (though in hind sight… I’m sure he was) and so it must not be important, right?  Well obviously it is important.. or he wouldn’t have made it a rule or task.

As of late, I’ve been forgetting more and more about my plug then asking to make up the time the following day.  I’ve taken advantage of his generosity in this.  Did I do this on purpose? Maybe a little.  To be honest, wearing my Njoy everyday is a bit daunting.    Sometimes I down right hate doing it.  I see the purpose in it… it was proven to me on our vacation.  I didn’t take my plug (with permission) on our trip because it just wasn’t practical.  When we came home and ended up having anal sex… it hurt so much more than in it had in a very long time.  My Njoy helps the pain a lot… more than I had realized.  So not only does this make my Owner happy… but it serves a very good sexual purpose for us both.

Last night.. was no exception.  I have been so busy lately trying to get the kids ready for going back to school, photographing a wedding and now editing said pictures, working, on top of all my household duties… its been a bit much for me.  I’m exhausted everyday.  Yesterday I went back to zumba finally after like a month off.. I had missed it so.  I didn’t get home till 6:30 and then had to make dinner and such.  I finally sat down around 8 or 8:30.  Before I realized it I had lost my window to wear my plug for two hours.  I asked Ben to make up my time tomorrow… he replied “triple time tomorrow”.  I tried to object… I was shocked… pouty… and mad.  It wasn’t fair.  How was I going to fit in time for that?  I didn’t object long before I realized I wasn’t going to win… just shut up and deal with it.  No reason to make the situation worse.

By bed time.. I was kneeling.. waiting for him to allow me in bed.  And he brought it up.  How long had it been since I had done a blog post.  I knew I had went over… I had told him I was going to do one on Monday I believe.  I failed to do so.  I had actually thought about it after the plug fiasco, but honestly, I was so tired from all that I’ve been doing it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  In my head I put it off for the next day and forgot about it.  But here we were… I was being  called out for it.  I was wrong… I knew I was wrong.  But didn’t he understand?  I’ve had so much on my plate, surely he would understand.

This is where a relationship like ours isn’t fair.  It is up to me to make it work.. or bring it to him to help me sort it out so that I can successfully do all that I am required to do.  I didn’t do that… I didn’t do anything in fact.  He asked me how many days it had been… I couldn’t tell him exactly.  I didn’t know.   He pulled me up and bent me over the bed.  I was inwardly outraged but obediently took my punishment.  He added up the three days that I had lapsed and hit me those three times with the hanger.  It’s not often I cry from a punishment but I felt the tears well up in me… and spill out of my eyes.  He pulled me to him… and I didn’t want him to touch me.  I was actually angry with him.  I am never angry when he punishes me but repentant.  I didn’t think this was fair at all…. even if I knew it was earned.  (Did I mention he is sick?  Yeah… bad slave that misbehaves so that her Owner has to punish her while he feels like crap).

He told me to get into bed and I asked if I could go blow my nose.  He said okay and I disappeared. I shut the bathroom door behind me and cried silently.  I didn’t want him to know I was so angry at me… because that leaves me vulnerable.  If I hadn’t been mad, I think I would have responded differently.  For a split second… I was pissed that our relationship was this way… and I didn’t want it to be anymore.  This was just wrong.  And then… almost instantly I knew I would regret that.  It’s amazing the things that being upset will make you think.

After I composed myself I climbed into bed and laid down… saying nothing.  I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what was going on in my head… again… bad slave.  He turned off the light… and as always… can tell read me like a book.  He inquired.  I had to admit I was angry with him… and he explained why he had punished me further.

He brought up an incident that happened the other day.  I had came home and he was no where to be seen.. I called out for him.. waiting at the door for him.  He said he was in the bathroom and would be out in a second.  Instead of waiting.. I just took it upon myself to decided I didn’t need to wait for him.  He never said anything… but apparently it was noticed.

He told me that he felt I needed a reminder of my place… and in all honesty.. I think he was completely right.  Even if I agreed with him and saw his rationale of this… I was still mad.  It surprised me that I was so upset… so inwardly defiant… even if I was outwardly obedient.  I just couldn’t get past being upset with him… and so I went to sleep… unhappy.

I woke up this morning and planned for today to be a better day.  I had six hours of plug wearing ahead of me… and I didn’t want to have to wear it to zumba.  The only option was to take it work with him… and so I packed it in my bag to be inserted a little later.  I followed through.. sending Ben proof that I was indeed wearing it.  I got a “good girl” and went about my day.  I wasn’t angry anymore.  I knew where I had messed up… and totally understood why I was in trouble.  Has my punishment worked?  Well I did my plug time and wrote my blog post… so I guess it has.  I hope it continues to be that way cause I hate being on his shit list!

when life happens…

My sweet Bean has been… to put it bluntly…. working his ass off.  He’s been putting in twelve hour days…  with forty-five minute commutes each way on top of it.  It’s been taking a toll on him.. and our home life.  Most days he gets home around eight pm… sometimes closer to nine.  By the time he gets home, all he has time for is dinner, a shower, and a little time to relax before it’s bedtime so he can turn around and do it again.  It really makes us wonder what it is all for.

We miss each other so much when we aren’t together.. and find little time to be able to even text one another because he is usually busy doing his job.  He manage here and there to say hi but that is about it.  Even when he is home, he’s so tired from working so much that it makes any quality time difficult.  I know how tired he is… and how he just needs to decompress from a long, hard day.  I try my best to make it the best I can.  I can see it in his eyes though.. I know how sad it makes him that he’s not able to give me much more than that after he gets home.

On my side of things.. even though I know all these things.. my mind still works in strange ways.  I feel the strain of his absence.  It makes it hard to remain in my place.  I need a healthy dose of his direct dominance over me in order not to feel anxious.  Without it, I find myself struggling to follow the rules and tasks that he doesn’t keep a keen eye on.  There are so many things he expects of me that he leaves me to my own devices.  He expects me to follow through with them without him checking up on me.  Those are the things that are hard to keep on.

I have this internal battle that goes on.  I could easily stop doing some of those things and he’d be none the wiser.  The question to ask here is why I would do that?  I’ve asked for this life so why on Earth would I not follow through?  Well.. I get attention.. why else?  I’m not getting the positive attention I crave and that’s not for lack of want- he just doesn’t have the energy for it right now.  But the good slave in me would never dream of adding additional stress to my Owner’s world.  It’s not my job… my job is to make his life easier.  By not doing my job.. it makes him have to use up energy on negative things.. to put his slave back in her place.  Being a grown woman.. I shouldn’t need that.. and I shouldn’t need to act out to get what I need.  Rationally I know all this.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  I know me… and I know that if I were to neglect my rules or duties… I would have to admit that to Ben.  The thought of disappointing him that way and making him waste energy on that makes me feel terrible.  Damn integrity.

Oh what a struggle!  I miss his dominance.. so much.  I miss that all encompassing feeling of being owned.  I realize that I can’t always feel that… that life gets in the way sometimes.   It doesn’t mean that it’s easy to deal with.. because it’s not.  We’re making the best of it and trying to make time for us.  I know personally I am looking forward to our upcoming vacation.  It will be nice for neither of us to have to work and be a good time to reconnect.  In the mean time I am trying really hard to be a good slave and put myself on autopilot.  This wont last forever.. and I just have to remember that.  I hope that I can continue to make the right choices and not give into the allure of negative attention.  That will not make either of us happy.

Happy 1 Year to My Blog!

It’s hard to be believe that it’s been a year since I started blogging here.  So much has happened and time has passed so quickly.  It’s been a good year of growth though!  I know at times I go for days on end without blogging, but I’ve learned that I simply just don’t have enough to say to blog every or every other day.  Hell, I don’t have the time to fit that in.  Luckily Ben makes sure I keep this place updated once a week.  So it works out well.

I blogged for almost three years on my old blog… and there was a different tone there.  It started out purely a sex blog.  It was a place I shared our hotter (IMO) encounters.  It morphed into something entirely different.  I hit a place where birth control became an issue.. and so sex became an issue.  I’m sure a lot of people would think that’s crazy, but Ben isn’t too keen on condoms and so we weren’t really having much sex.  It became a big thorn in my side and made it harder and harder to share what was going on in my head.  I pulled into myself and wasn’t able to put words to anything.  I felt neglectful of my blog.

By the end I took a six month hiatus and came back.  It wasn’t for long, though.  After the good stories from my time away dried up.. I was back in the same spot.  I loved to blog…. still do.  I was just struggling to share what was going on with us.  So when we entered into a power exchange relationship…. I didn’t feel I could share that there.  It was different than I had shared there before.  Yes, it was about submission, but it was a completely different version of what I was now living.

When Ben told me that he was going to have me blog because he knew how much it meant to me, the only option was to start anew.  So I trucked my ass over to WordPress… and well… here we are a year later.  I have to say it feels good to be able to write again.  It feels good to be able to share my mind more than I was able to towards the end on TGL.  It’s nice to feel safe in sharing my life.

And so…. have some cake…. and I hope that to see all my regulars a year from now with the addition of new faces.  No matter what, I’ll be here sharing our story.  🙂

the proof of an orgasm

We were still laying in bed after my birthday spankings.  We were facing each other… soaking up what just transpired.  All I was thinking of was how much I wanted to cum.  I knew I had the green light to do it… but in my head I was struggling with my preexisting programing on such things.  Usually I’m not allowed to cum without his specific permission.  It’s been almost a year since that was set in motion.  At first I struggled with it… but I’ve come to terms with it now.  It doesn’t feel right taking liberties with my body anymore.  It belongs to my Owner.

We stayed still for a while… before he was wanting to get up… all the while I kept trying to talk myself into just going for it.  It’s kind of crazy how you can change the way you think.  I know I never thought I’d make it to feeling this way… that I only have rights to touch myself when he says.  I’m glad I’ve found peace with it.  In that peace… I mustered all my gumption and went for it as Ben was trying to get us up off the bed.

He seemed amused at going for my present.  I dipped my fingers into my cunt as we chatted about it.  Part of me thought he’d stop me… but, of course, he didn’t.  He laid next to me as I rubbed my clit… and would rewet my fingers deep inside of my cunt.

He laid next to me…. touching me… all the while I worked myself over.  My eyes stayed shut… all sorts of images flying through my head… aiding my fingers in their combined goal.  It didn’t take long before I was moaning with pleasure… and curling into my Owner’s arms.  Such a strange feeling….  giving myself pleasure.. because I wanted it.. without permission.  I can’t say that I’m all together comfortable with it.  I came really close just asking for an orgasm before I went for it.  Asking just seemed more natural now… what is expected.

It all makes me remember more that I am owned… who knew that it would have that effect?  I thought it would make me feel more free…. in charge of myself just for the day… at least my body.  Instead the exact opposite happened… what a good feeling.  I certainly wouldn’t have it anyway.  My body.. my orgasm belong to Ben.

What is it about a good spanking that kicks my mind into overdrive… from a submissive stand point?  What is it that I crave so much.. that works wonders for my focus?  It’s the question Ben posed to me.  It’s a good one… and something I really had to think about.  I mean I know the general reasons… but the root? I didn’t have an immediate answer.. nor did he want one.  It was meant to make me think.

There is something about knowing that a session is coming.  There is an anticipation that I can’t really describe.  I used to get really excited about them as they were random events… but now is different.  I still get excited.. but it’s more of a looking forward to a sort of maintenance.  The fun kind like when you are getting your nails done… or a touch up on your hair color.  It just makes you feel good.  There is a sense of reliability there… I always knows I have that coming in my future. I don’t always know what day of the weekend it will happen, but I know it will.  There is comfort in that…. it makes my heart swell- odd as that may sound.

I love when Ben decides to mix things up.. throw in something new or unexpected.  That’s when the wait is truly exciting.  I imagine what it will be like… and wonder if what I’ve dreamed up with match the actual event.  It’s rare when I am nervous prior to a play session… and I am thankful for that.  The good thing about knowing it’s coming keeps my mind on it… getting myself prepared to be completely and utterly at his whim.  I love that feeling- nothing like it.

During is a always a coin toss.  Sometimes it’s hard to get my head space to where it needs to be.  Other times, it’s easy like a flip of a switch to be in sub mode.  It just really depends on what’s going on.  I try to let go of all the outside world and soak up the experience, but sometimes that is easier said than done.  When I’ve been particularly stressed out or feeling out of sorts… it takes me a bit to really give my mind over.  It’s really those times I need it the most… its a stress relief for sure.  But then there is the other purpose… the one I look for more.  It’s a time used to refocus my submission to my Owner…. to reaffirm my place in his world.  The place I so badly desired and love so much.

So much during the week we go through the motions of life…. doing the things that are required of us.  Yes there are rules… yes there are duties I follow but I don’t always feel my submission as deeply during the week.  It isn’t possible for me to be naked at his feet all the time (in fact that doesn’t happen all that often).  It isn’t possible for me to always just be his submissive… I have many roles in my life that require a part of me. It doesn’t change that I am his by any means, it’s just easy to get lost in the business of living life.  I like when he brings me back down  to our world so that we can solidly focus on just us.  It’s a special time for sure… one I need.

So by the time he is done with a good beating (hehe)… I feel cleansed… floaty… submissive.  It’s like a drug.. one I want over and over again.  I just have to love that adrenaline rush.. simply amazing.  I love how completely in sync we feel after.  We are just connected.  And so that feeling can last  sometimes several days… or just a day or two.  Again, it depends on life and what’s going on.  I try to enjoy it for however long it lasts and hold onto that feeling.  If I could bottle it…  and keep it for a rainy day, I so would.

In any case…. the session serves it’s purpose to refocus me on my Owner.  It helps distress me.. and allows for the world just to be about he and I for that brief period of time.  I need that.  As much as I love focusing on his pleasure only… I need to have the pain that comes from a thorough spanking.  I need both to feel in balance.  It stopped being just a want a long time ago for me.  I can tell the difference in my demeanor when I go too long without it… and it’s not a good feeling.  I don’t like feeling out of whack…. it makes me anxious.

He and I only get two days a week alone when the kids are gone to their father’s house and so it is really important to me that we make the most of the time we do get.  I have to get a weeks worth of submissive energy to get me through the week so to speak. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get anything out of the little things we do during the week, because I do.  It just means that I get so much of serving him sexually…. and receiving a good spanking.  They both serve different purposes for my mind… both are needed.. like my feet need socks and shoes during the winter.  I need the mental and sexual service from him to feel balanced.

And so I look forward to the weekends like a kid does… as they hold something exciting and special.  I love pain. I love taking what is given to me till I hit my limit.  I long to be pushed to the brink.. just to see how far I can go…. to see what heights it will take my mind.  It’s complex and simple at the same time and I’m glad that Ben gives me that.  I feel so lucky to have a partner that loves me enough to make sure my needs are being met in every way.  Now… is it Friday yet?

tantrums are NOT tolerated

I struggle with the fairness of it all.  I struggle with the uneven balance of D/s.  Not always… but often enough that it’s a problem for me.  I can go about doing the things expected of me… rules and all…. but when I’ve had my fill of doing lots of things… I focus on expectation.  I am still so hard wired to expect him to do things.. specifically some of the things he asks me to do that he himself could easily do.  There’s that little nagging voice in my head that says, “Why can’t you? Are your legs broken?”.  Of course I don’t actually say those things… but they are there nevertheless.

Case in point… my youngest daughter has a cold.  At night she has these terrible coughing spells that keeps not only her, but us up as well.  I’ve dosed her each night with some night time cough medicine but at some point it wears off and she wakes up coughing.  Last night was no exception.  I was woken to the sound of her hacking her lungs out at around 12:20 am.  No you see, I am not a morning person… nor do I enjoy my sleep being interrupted… and so it makes me grumpy.  I try to hurry and fix the issue and head back to bed before I’m too awake.

While I focused myself on what was going on…. I realized how hot I was. The house was really warm… as was Ben’s body.  Let’s not mention the pile of blankets on the bed.  I got up and got her some water… attempted to shuffle her around in bed to see if that would calm the coughing.  I went and turned the heater down.. then returned to bed.  I would repeat this several times for the next hour before deciding to give her another dose of medicine (the eight hours hadn’t passed, only four).

By then I was beyond frustrated for all of us.   We were all apparently really tired and I can only imagine how she felt coughing so much.  As I looked at the clock, 1:30 am had rolled around.  I got back up again… and told her to come with me.  We grabbed her pillow and blanket then headed to the glider rocker in the living room.  I was hoping having her sit up and sleep would ease the coughing spell.  Sure enough… it settled down almost immediately.  The only problem was that now I was wide awake.

As I returned to bed… Ben asked me to turn the heater down.  I told him I already had…. in which he responded that he heard it come on again.  I wasn’t thrilled about it… I was doing all the work taking care of the kiddo.  In my mind… I couldn’t see why he just couldn’t get up and help.  We are a team after all.  I didn’t want to argue with him.. as I knew I would lose.  I got up… probably a little huffy about the whole issue and turned it down more.  I returned to bed… and lost all self control of my emotions and behavior.

I didn’t lay down.. I sat there.  He asked why I wasn’t laying down… I told him it was in case someone else needed something from me.  It was really snotty… and not so good of me.  He laid there for a few minutes not replying before he asked why I was still sitting up.  I responded in another bratty fashion… I was thoroughly annoyed with him.  Me being annoyed or upset really didn’t matter. I shouldn’t have shown him attitude… I knew that very well.  Before I knew it.. his hand was grabbing the back of my hair and pulling me down to him.  His other hand grabbed my chin and set me straight.

Of course, this isn’t where it ended.  I laid down… more upset than ever.  It was hot… and I was mad.  I threw a tantrum… a quiet one…. and left our room for the couch.  I didn’t want to sleep next to him… it was too hot anyway I told myself.  As I laid down… silent tears filled my eyes.  I tried not to sob.  I was angry and hurt.  He was being an asshole, that much I was sure.  Ben followed me… asking me what I was doing then ordering me back to bed.  I protested, but he won out.  I was escorted back to our bed.

Once we got there, he apologized for being grumpy.  Grumpy or not.. we both knew I was out of line.  I continued to be angry through the night… then butt hurt this morning.  We both apologized for being grumpy.. and I stated why I did what I did.  He didn’t really reply to it… and instead decided to move past it.  It took me a little longer to get over it than just that… but by the middle of the day, I was right as rain.

So… was it fair?  No.. it wasn’t.  Does it have to be? No… not at all.  Should he have gotten up and turned it down himself?  In my eyes, yes.  In reality… no, he shouldn’t have to.  It would have been nice of him to, but he isn’t obligated to do so.  And this is where I struggle.  That sense of entitlement gets me every time.  It’s not fair that he can stay in bed while I have to get up yet again.  It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle… surely he should have to help me out.  Rationally I know that he can do as he pleases… but I’m so used to expecting stuff as an equal partner it’s hard not to get mad when stuff like this happens.

Now don’t get me wrong…. Ben does a lot of stuff around the house. He helps me with a lot of stuff.  There are just times he doesn’t want to.  We don’t have a vanilla marriage where everything is an equal load.   D/s is designed to be uneven…. but benefit each partner.   Because of this… he doesn’t have to do something if he doesn’t want to (task wise).  If he doesn’t want to get up and get himself a drink… then he doesn’t need to, that’s what I am here for.  I’m here to serve him however he wants… even if I don’t want to do said task. I still feel the same way…. and am still happy we made the choice to enter into this dynamic.  Yes, I struggle… I struggle with a couple things.  Instead of letting those challenges defeat me.. I choose to take them head on… to face them and work through them.  I won’t let it define my submission to Ben.

At the end of the day, I’m glad he is committed to our marriage.  I’m glad that he is holding up his part of it…. holding me to what I asked for.  He’s trying to help me be a better person.. a better wife.  I feel lucky to have that… to know that even when I’m being a pain in the ass… or when I’m upset… that he will be my rock I break myself against.  He’s not going to let me get too far out of control… he will always be there to yank the leash and set me straight.  I am glad he is that strong… that he can control me and keep me in check.  That’s what I’ve needed all along.

Punished- 7

I’ve always kept up our bank book… always payed the bills… always took care of the finances. I like doing it in a weird sort of way… I think its that deep seeded need of control. It’s funny how much control I like having in life… how much I like to have a say in things.. to know where things are going… and then to decide to submit my life to Ben. Strange. When we started on this journey… this didn’t change. Ben decided that I do a good job of keeping up with that so we just continued with what worked. Me taking care of it.

It had been almost two weeks since I had entered in all our receipts and deposits in the bank book we keep.  Honestly I had just dreaded entering the numerous receipts we had into the journal… and as the time passed… and they grew.. the task just seemed daunting.  I knew that it wasn’t going to change… that I would have to do it eventually. I needed to send out some bills.

When I sat down to do this… Ben commented about it after I said I’d waited too long to do it. You see, I’m supposed to do it once a week. Ideally this would happen on payday.. or the day after. But once a week is sufficient. Only we were so close to be on two weeks… and he wasn’t too thrilled about it. I entered in all the stuff I needed and paid the bills that were due. I went about doing other things.. but it was on my mind… the fact that he wasn’t happy. I texted him, not wanting to ask the him in front of the kids. I asked if I was in trouble. He told me he was thinking about it. I sighed… and inwardly cursed myself. He decided at some point that since there was no negative effects, that he wasn’t going to use the wire hanger. He said he’d think on it and come up with something else to punish me with. That was Friday night.

By Sunday night.. the thought of the punishment was looming over me. I wasn’t sure if he had forgotten.  I wanted to ask.. but I was so torn about it. I didn’t want to be in trouble… I didn’t want something taken away from me. I didn’t want it to ruin our night. In the same thought though… the feeling of it being impending…. the feeling that I hadn’t followed my rule… and so I needed to face the music. Being a responsible person when you’re in trouble is a funny process. It kind of sucks. I guess that’s how you tell maturity… when someone owns up to it… when someone seeks out punishment just so it is taken care of.

Honestly.. I think it really needed correction. Maybe not for this specific thing, but in general. I hadn’t been punished in some time… and I think I was feeling the effects of that. I think that needing that was keeping me from being completely back on track.  I wanted him to deal with me. And so.. in the end… I decided to ask. I texted him… and asked him if he had forgotten. He said he had. That was it. Inwardly… it bothered me that he had… that he didn’t say anything. I wanted him to have an answer… I wanted just to take a spanking and be done with it…. feeling centered… corrected. Nothing else was said that night about it and I went to bed with a feeling of disarray. I couldn’t express that though.. not then. I don’t know why.

The next morning I mentioned when we had our morning texts. He told me had thought about it.. and I would be wearing my plug an extra three hours that day. That isn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted something more… but it wasn’t up to me to decide on a punishment. So that afternoon when we returned from a funeral… I inserted my plug. I wore it for the next five hours. I’m not sure that it made me feel anything though.  It didn’t make me feel sorry for breaking the rule.  It made me wonder if served its purpose.

I know its not up to me to question that… butttttttttt… I am a rational adult. I like to pick things apart… see how people work. For me.. I’m not sure it was an effective punishment, which is hard to admit… as I don’t want it come off as I am criticizing him or questioning his authority. That is not the case.  I just know me, obviously, and what does and doesn’t work.

Needless to say.. I did my three extra hours and my normal two hours of being plugged and put it behind me.  Hopefully I’ll learn something from this… if not just make the decision to be better at being on top of the bank book.  I really don’t like disappointing him.  It’s not fun for either of us.. and so I really do try to be good and do as I’m told. We shall see.