Category: ex’s


>loss

>I’m hurting.

Not in a way that most people will completely understand.. as the situation is not unheard of but is certainly unorthodox.

Back story.

I was married before to the wrong person. I cannot say this is a mistake… as many good things came from this time in my life. He got me away from a place and family that I no longer wanted to be around… that wasn’t healthy for me. He brought me to his home… into his family.

I bonded with these people… I became part of the family… I was his parent’s daughter.. not daughter in law… I was his sister’s sister… in fact I was way closer to them… than my ex ever was. We spent every holiday together… had game nights.. bbq’s… they were the family I never had.. and always wanted. And all of a sudden.. this was my reality.

The only thing that was wrong about it was… him. So when I left him… I still stayed close with them.. because that’s what we all wanted (ex not included in such sentiment). It was tough.. there were a lot of uncomfortable moments… which never really went away. BUT. I loved these people and still very much wanted to be there.

As the time passed and Ben came into the picture.. this still continued… them welcoming him into the family as if it had always been that way. Holidays with the ex became even more difficult but some how we managed to make it work. Why? Because we are family and that’s what families do.

In the past year… I’d say just after the first of the year… things have become more unbearable on my part. You see, my ex has lived at his parents house for all of the time we’ve been separated except for maybe six months (and that’s not all at once). Even after the divorce I would go over and just sit and visit… but as the years passed.. this became harder and harder.

I was always told I was welcome there no matter what.. but its honestly very hard to sit in that house while he’s there. After a while.. I just stopped going over to visit. Get togethers started getting fewer… and all of a sudden today I realized that I haven’t spent time with them since Ben’s birthday in July. We didn’t do any summer holidays together…. it was probably Easter before that. His sister and her husband came over for poker in June I think… and we had all of the gradation stuff. That was really the last time we spent time as a family together.

Today I also noticed something while in the dining room waiting for the kids to get their stuff together (his parents insist on taking care of the kids when I work and they don’t have school)… I realized that I hate going there now. I’m always in a hurry to get home. I always feel so uncomfortable now… like I’m in a house of strangers.

I cannot begin to explain how much this hurts and breaks my heart. I could write on this forever… I’ve always wanted a family… one that loves me.. and that I’m truly a part of. I had this.. and I feel like I’ve lost it. My heart is in a million pieces right now… I dunno how to fix this… or even if I can.

I know if I talked to them… they would say I’m being silly… but you can’t change how you feel. And I can’t make them do things differently… I can’t make them mold to be what they were or what I want them to be. People change and evolve.. and sometimes… they do so in a way that you don’t like. This seems to be the case…

Or maybe… I’m the one who has changed…

>A friend of mine is going through a rough patch in her life… she and her husband are having some marital issues. I’ve been there before… not with Ben… but my children’s father.

My relationship with my ex… we’ll call him Mr. Wonderful (can you feel the sarcasm in that name? grin). Mr. Wonderful and I had a great relationship.. for the first.. oh… three months. He had good qualities.. and yes, I have talked about him on here before… here. I was smitten with those few good qualities and managed to look over all the bad ones.

Years passed… somewhere in there we go married (a HUGE mistake)… and somewhere in there.. I was miserable.. just didn’t realize it. I mean, that’s not true… I knew I was unhappy but in all honesty I never thought I could have everything I wanted and I could be happy. It just seemed like a foreign idea. I was quite okay with settling.

This was my mistake. I settled. Then one day… I realized… I want more. I want all the things I dreamed of.. I just wanted to to be happy. Simple as that. I told him… crying how unhappy I was.. and that things had to change… and of course, he begged me not to leave him. BUT, do you think he did anything to try to fix our issues? Nope. Not a single thing. I spent another month.. making sure I was for sure of this… and decided I needed a weekend away.

When I got home… I told him I was done.. that I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed more from my life… and he wasn’t part of that. He moved out that night to his parents.

The following months were horrible. He was borderline stalker.. seriously. He’d show up at the house… always tried to touch me and huge me… it just made me sick. I can’t really begin to explain what it was like. But I had to deal with him still because of the kids and because I adore his family and intended on still being a part of it.

Even after I met Ben.. he was still pining after me… and most people feel that he still wants me. The whole idea just makes me ill to my stomach.

So I guess the point of this is.. you never know what life holds for you. Life is short.. and its the only one you have… you should always do things to make yourself happy. Had I not made a difficult decision, I would not have what I have today- a man I love very much that makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

Life has a way of working itself out… but sometimes you have to give it a little help. You have to make tough decisions sometimes… in order to get what you truly want in the long run… life is not always easy.

>getting 2 new toys!!

>Sooo a friend of mine, whom also is an ex, makes leather toys. Any type of adult toy you can think of that is made or can be made of leather, he makes. He’s told me about them many times before but I guess I never thought about actually getting him to make us something. He finally asked me if I was ever going to buy anything from him lol. And so.. we decided now is just as good of a time as any.

He showed us through cam the things he has and what he thought I would like. He showed me quite a few floggers.. which I’ve never experienced before. We finally decided on two… one with blue suede and one with red leather. He finished them up last night and showed me today… I’m so excited. He did a great job. I can’t wait for Ben to try those babies out on me hehe.

We should have them by next weekend… so here’s to hoping that I have a great weekend ahead of me then! It will be a new experience for the both of us for sure. One I’m sure we will both enjoy.

Though, come to think of it… the story of my friend is an interesting on…. so I think I will share.

Ryan and I met when I was 18. We dated for a very short time… like maybe two months. I liked him, but knew that I wasn’t into him the way I should be. He’s a good down home type guy… a self proclaimed redneck. Just not my type really. I did like spending time with him though… I knew we made better friends pretty much from the get go. But, we tried.

Little did I know that he was very much in love with me… and planning to propose to me. He was busy saving up money to buy the “the ring I deserved” and getting a place so we could live together. This was all done without my knowing. I broke up with him before he could tell me or ask me anything and then shortly after starting dating someone else whom I would spend almost five miserable years with.

We remained friends…. and I still was pretty in the dark about how heartbroken I left him. He did tell me several months after we broke up all the stuff that he had planned. I felt bad and relieved at the same time… I would have never wanted to tell him no… even though I would have.

So several years passed.. we still talked off and on. He decided to drop a bomb on me… something I had never heard of… and it would take me years to really wrap my brain around and truly understand. He told me that he was part of the lifestyle.. that he was a Dom. I thought I understood somewhat but asked a lot of stuff… trying to really grasp it… I never did… not until here recently.

Not too long after that (I think I was 21 or very close to it) we were talking online. I asked him if he noticed that we weren’t as close as we used to be. He freaked out on me… telling me that I wasn’t the center of the world… that I was but that I wasn’t anymore. He ripped me a new asshole so to speak and then went silent.

For three years I didn’t hear a word from him. At first I was really hurt, but figured I deserved it after ripping his heart out. I came to peace with it and moved on. If he didn’t want to be part of my life.. then so be it. That is his choice.

Out of the blue in 2006 he messages me online. I was floored. After all that time, he decided he could talk to me again. It took him all that time to get over me he told me… but that he was now and that we could once more be friends. It was really nice to be able to talk with him again. From then.. we have stayed in contact… talking every several weeks or so.

He is married now. His wife is his slave… and he has a girlfriend. They are poly… or should I say HE is poly? I’m not sure how that works. All I know is… I could never share. He keeps asking me to come play with him.. and of course I laugh and tell him that he knows I can’t. Besides, I think even if I were single.. I wouldn’t because he is WAY more hardcore than me. I think he would beat my ass into the ground lol.

So that’s the story of Ryan. I think perhaps it is a bit odd that my ex is making toys for us… but hey, I guess there are odder things in this world, right?