Category: BDSM


>Where does the need for pain come from? How does one recognize that need inside themselves?

I can honestly say… I do not know where my need comes from.. or if there is even a reason why I am the way I am. I know a lot of people tend to say that devious wants come from a history of some sort of abuse…. but for me.. I had wanted that (just maybe not realized it) before I ever had an abusive relationship.

Growing up.. I can honestly only remember a handful of times I was spanked. I was a willful child… and generally got whatever I wanted. There was few to no rules in my house.. and I frequently boasted about this… that “I could do whatever I wanted”. I ruled my house.. and I knew it. No was really not something I was told.

Whether or not that was a good thing… well.. I know it wasn’t a good thing, but had I been in an environment in which there was structure… would I be who I am now? Probably not. I mean.. I did not turn out that bad, but I certainly could have.

I went from that life.. to a life filled with a lot of pain… not a good pain. My first real relationship was with a man that felt the need to hit me. Usually when we would fight. I am a strong willed girl… and easily am angered by some people. This, of course, lead to a lot of very unpleasant… tear filled moments.

But even though I endured physical abuse.. I still longed to feel a man’s dominance over me sexually. It seems kind of weird to me.. that the idea of it would send me screaming in the other direction. Deep down I guess I know that being dominated I’m not being hurt in a negative way.. and perhaps that is the key here.

Still though, that does not answer where it began… what moment began that addiction? Or maybe.. just maybe it was not environmental induced. Perhaps it is just the way my mind and body are wired… that it is just as much a part of me as my eyes being brown.

Whatever the origin…. it is highly enriching… and brings me much pleasure. So…. it cannot be a bad thing.

>I went to a Munch today.. solo as Ben had to work late and would not be able to attend. Seems like…I always come home feeling the same way. I get home and feel a bit bummed and kind of on the outside. I must say.. that the people at the Munches are awesome and I really enjoy spending time getting to know them… BUT…

I feel… like I don’t belong.. that I’m not nearly as experienced as they are… and half the time have no idea what they are talking about. I have not actually tried most of what they do… and it makes me feel weird… that I have nothing to contribute. Like I’m a pretending to me something I’m not…

Like see… they are trying to organize a play party… which sounds like a ton of fun… but I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable going honestly. I would be surrounded by all these people that have tons of different, more lengthy experience… and it would be really… I dunno.. uncomfortable I guess.

I dunno… I’m feeling kinda… weird about it all… kinda down.. which I don’t understand. I guess when it comes down to it.. I would like to further our experience as a couple… I’m sure thats the root of this all.

I just have to remember to take baby steps as I have been doing this all longer than Ben… we go at the pace he is comfortable.. and I’m okay with that. I just want to be able to join in with all of them.. and have something to add to the conversation.. not be a bump on a log that is just there taking up space.

>Sooooo Ben apparently felt the need to bring back out BDSM with fury. We haven’t really done much extreme stuff lately.. something that I was really missing.. as it does help keep me grounded. But what can you do? Life happens… you just have to make the effort to keep it up. I mean, I couldn’t really remember the last time he flogged me. I guess I could go back through my archieves and see.. but I think that may have made me sad. I think that this whole IUD really put a big strain on us both… but anyways!

Last night… one word to describe it… WOW. It was intense and moving and grounding… well I could go on and on trying to describe it.

We had went to take a shower early in the evening… around sevenish. I had went into the bathroom to do my preshower ritual. I always make sure there are no stray hairs around my eye brows and such… so I was doing this.. when Ben came up beside me. He wrapped his arm around my neck pulling me close to him then began spanking me over and over.

Honestly, I’ve become soft…my tolerance for pain is not what it once was. It is amazing to me how quickly it goes away. So the blows to my ass were not comfortable to say the least, but I will tell you this…. I was wet… instantly.

Before he finished he leaned into me… growling into my ear…

“After our shower.. I’m going to whip you… hard. Now go start the shower”.

I did as I was told and got into the shower. I helped wash his body.. completely turned and aching to feel him inside me. After he was done washing, he shoved me to my knees and fucked my face. When he got his fill, he left me wanting more.

I finished showering and got out.. dried off and did my after shower stuff.. hurrying so that I could actually finish before he came to drag me into the bedroom. When I entered the bedroom I went to my knees again…. taking him deep into my mouth… though this didn’t last long.

He pulled me to my feet and shoved me over the bed. I felt the flogger slap against my back… hard… unforgiving. His assualt was the same.. never letting up… and for the first time ever… brought tears to my eyes. Not just the watery, welling up of tears… this was full on sobbing… and all I could think was that it hurt… and that I hoped that he would not stop.

He switched up a little and had me suck his cock while he flogged me… this time he spoke… mostly to amuse himself I’m sure.

“Know what my goals are tonight?…. Well do you?… HMMM??”

All I could say was I dunno in between having my face fucked.

“Well one is that I’m going to have you begging for more and the other is… I’m going to bruise you tonight”.

This of course made me even more wet. He didn’t let up… he flogged me.. my back.. my legs.. my ass… and fucked my face.. forced me to make myself cum over and over to the pain he inflicted on me. I may have been crying.. but I was in pure bliss.

Then. He stopped.. leaving the flogger on my back… and told me not to move. I made sure not to move an inch. I heard him leave the room and go into the kitchen in which he was rattling around in the drawer… I felt a sense of panic come over me… knowing that that must only mean he was after a spoon.

I was right…. he smacked me with it over and over.. which made me cry more. He later told me that he wasn’t actually hitting me that hard… but it sure as hell felt like it. He hit my ass then began moving down my legs till he got to my feet. I freaked and pulled away.. falling to the ground and pulling my legs into me. Not a good idea.

He yanked me up and tossed me onto the bed again and spanked my ass hard. I wasn’t going to move again. He went back to work on me with the spoon.. me crying out in agony…. it was not pleasant… but…. I would so do it again. Funny how that works.

Finally he decided to fuck me… and kept flogging me. Before I knew it… fucking my ass came into play… and he was deep inside my ass… claiming my body.

So yeah.. it was freaking amazing… and seriously.. its a good thing I don’t sit at work.. that would have been interesting. I have this amazing bruise on my ass with stripes from the spoon. I do like the way it feels to have to sit.. but doing it all day would have been hard I’m sure.

Ben has never bruised me before… only left red marks… and let me tell ya…. I’m all for it!

>the lifestyle

>As you can probably tell, most of the blogs I read are ones written by slaves… but for sure all of them have a BDSM vibe to them. I have a deep respect for people who live that lifestyle 24/7. I think it takes a lot of commitment, strength, devotion… and so on. I honestly admire it for many reasons.

The level of communication that goes into this type of relationship is immense… and its such a wonderful thing to see. It’s a true testament to how strong it can make a bond. It takes a lot to be open and honest… completely and I think it’s no small task at all. I know personally its hard for me to completely open myself to another person.

There are very few things that Ben doesn’t know and the things he doesn’t know is just because its never been brought up. There is nothing I would not share with him.. even if I have a hard time actually voicing it.

I admire the fact that slaves so freely give themselves… that they have the confidence to give themselves over to another without knowing what the future will hold for them. I know a lot of people feel that its a lack of confidence, but after really reading about people’s lives… you can see that it is quite the opposite.

And lets not forget about all the work it takes to make the lifestyle actually work. It takes a lot to keep it up… to make sure you always follow through, on both slave and Master’s parts. Just thinking of it makes me drained and I really don’t know how they do it everyday. I know that when I come home from work, I just want to relax… and do what I want to do. It doesn’t always go that way, but that is what I want.

When slaves get home, they don’t have the choice of just relaxing.. its up to the whim of another. I just can’t fathom that. Like I said, an incredible amount of work and time. It just boggles my mind at times.

I know for me, being a slave would be hard. I’m not sure that I’m a strong enough person to do it. There are aspects that truly do appeal to me but when I get down to it.. I don’t think I could ever consider myself the property of my husband. I see us as equals… and I am sure that would never change. I know I could not give up my will… to give up my choices.

So we will continue our path… living our lives the way we do.. happily so… and I will continue to be happy for those who can make that life work. No matter what kind of relationship you live, its work no matter what if you want to make it last.

>wow.

>Has it really been almost a month since my last post!? It sure doesn’t seem like it. So much has been going on. May is such a busy month for my family with birthdays and get togethers. AND lets not forget about all the stress that was ever so apparent lately.

The good news is… its all over- for now. Onto busy times at work… and hopefully more peaceful, relaxing times at home. We shall see what June holds in store for us. We are working on planning our summer vacation… and its been a nightmare trying to really pin down something to do that pans out for us. I hope that soon this all works out… cause honestly, I need a vacation!

Anyway, onto other things. A couple of days ago I was IM’ing with an old, old friend from where I lived all my childhood. He and I know just about everything about each other. He came to me for advice about asking his now wife to marry him. I was honored.

So I would totally say I trust this guy… with secrets I have… or could I?

Back in the day when we met I was with my ex, but would have easily dumped him for Beau. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. This, however, did not happened and we remained friends that flirted. Nothing ever happened between the two of us.

Somehow we got onto the conversation where I told him that he probably couldn’t handle me anymore. I am a million times more sexual than I was then. I have never told him about my thirst for BDSM.

For whatever reason, that day I thought it a good idea. I had put my foot in my mouth and there was no way he was going to let me off without telling him. It took a little- scratch that-a lot of courage but I finally spilled my guts.

I told him of my liking of being dominated… my love for all the stuff that the world deems kinky. He just said cool. I was kind of taken aback about it.. and questioned that answer. He said it was cool that I knew what I liked and that I lived what I wanted. I felt like I had made a good choice telling him. In the next few minutes that would change… drastically.

He asked me if we talked dirty and all… I said yes.. and mentioned my blog without actually giving him the link. I copy and pasted a tame part of one of my posts. He laughed and said, “what are you now? A romance writer?”. I was so taken back by that comment. It cut deep and hurt very much.

This person I call my friend thought it was funny that I blogged about my life. I called him out on it… he said he didn’t mean to hurt me.. it was not his intention, but nevertheless, I was still hurt. I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

It is hard for me to share this part of my life with people I am close to. Now it will be even harder now that I’ve open myself up only be hurt in the process. I realize this is the risk I take telling someone… many people don’t understand why I would want to do this and so on.

I guess the real lesson I learned.. be my picky about who I share my deepest desires with- not everyone will accept you for who you are wholeheartedly.

>I guess that Ben and I are what some would call weekend ass slapers. Im not sure that truly captures the essence of us, though. I have felt my submissive urges my whole life. Both long term relationships I had before Ben I was always in control… I ran everything. It was completely unsatisfying to me.

Now saying that, I dont mean that I feel the need to have someone run my life for me. I am completely capable of doing this. It works for some… but would not for me. I just have an incredible urge to be controlled sexually. It excites me like nothing else.

It wasnt until right before I met Ben that I allowed myself to explore these feelings. I had met a guy named Joe who brought this out in me… that helped me come out of my shell so to speak. It was what I have come to call my sexual awakening.

He and I became fuck buddies.. but only on a kinkier side of things. We never once had any sort of vanilla sex… and I loved it. He would tie me up and use me.. and it blew me away how much I truly loved it. I felt so safe with him… and had a level of trust that surprises me even to this day. I just knew in my heart he would never harm me.

We had some fun times… ones I will never forget. I will always be thankful to him for helping me in a sense. It definitely helped me in my current relationship. It made it easier to finally tell someone what I needed… the deep dark desires I was always afraid to tell.

Fortunately for me, Ben is very much into this. He is very dominate in bed. You would never guess it if you met him on the street… he’s so easy going and nice. This all changes when we’re alone and he has my face shoved into the pillow. 🙂

Our kink came into play pretty early on. We play quite often. There is generally some sort of dominance play in most of our sex.. such as a slap on the ass…. pulling my hair hard…. and lots of breath play (which is something exclusive to our relationship.. I had never trusted anyone that much until him). This is why I dont really feel like we are weekend ass slapers. We just arent lifestylers.

I find people who live that lifestyle so fascinating, as you can probably see by the blogs I frequent. I have such respect for the way they live… it fascinates me on a level I cannot describe. I by no means think I am right for this… but I think the reason why it interests me so is because I want to understand it. I want to know why someone would do this…. though, Im sure I will never have this questioned answered as I have been searching for it some time. Perhaps if I knew and understood…. it would loose intrigue for me… but perhaps not.

The thing that stands out so much to me is the level of respect and support in this community. Its very much live and let live… and I love that. It speaks volumes about who they are… and for this I have very deep respect. Its so hard these days to find anyone who does not pass judgment on someone else. It truly amazes me.

So maybe Im wrong in my assumption of what we are or what we do. But it works for us.