Tag Archive: collarversary

I’m going through changes

Hello old friends…

I’ve been quiet for some time… for a couple of reasons.  One, I am ridiculously busy.  Two, I haven’t really had anything to write about.  We are fast and approaching the day I was collared two years ago.  The only issue is… I don’t think that collar exists anymore.

I think we have settled into this life that doesn’t have a D/s day to day life.  It’s become a bedroom only thing.  In some ways, it’s a relief because it’s one less thing I have to do.  It’s nice not to have to do some of those things.  In many other ways… it’s one of the saddest things I’ve been through in a long time.

I think in many ways, it was bound to happen.  We have been fighting this for some time.  Nothing has been the same since November… maybe before that.  I can’t blame him or myself… stuff happens.  People change and evolve… and some things aren’t practical anymore.

The problem lies in… it’s so much a part of who I am.  I had made a certain level of peace with it… and then the other day a profound sadness hit me.  If I’m not owned…. then what does that mean?  How do I live day to day?  I know in my mind I’ll always be his.. and I am.  We are in this thing for the long haul, happily so!

I don’t know how to really explain it.  I’m not unhappy… just sad in a way.  I miss that feeling only being owned can bring.  I long for that… in a desperate way.  I miss that head space.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ben very much.. and we have a great relationship.  I think in many ways… being my Owner… is just too draining for him.  It’s one more thing he has to do.  At the end of the day, after work… he just wants to be home with his wife and not have to worry about stuff he needs to do.  I can’t fault him for that.  Owning someone is a huge responsibility.

I guess my sadness also is the knowledge that I most likely will never feel that again.  I can’t imagine being owned by anyone else.  The idea is totally foreign and I could not give myself over the way I did to Ben. I guess maybe I just have to come to terms with it.  I’m still lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.  We still have the kinky sex we did before (which I’d die if I lost lol).

I guess my journey to finally getting the lifestyle I wanted was so long… and then I had it for a year and a half.  Then… life happened.. and things changed.  And here I am… feeling loss.  I wonder if I’ll ever get past that loss.  I’m sure I will… I have to, right?  We can’t have everything we want… at least, that’s what I teach my children.

SO this leaves me to my blog.  Does this blog fit my world anymore?  I don’t know.  I hate to jump the gun and leave.  An outlet for thoughts and feelings is always nice to have.  So for now… I’ll keep it around… and see what happens.  For now… this is my reality.


One year collarversary!

One year ago today… I was collared by Ben.  What a ride it has been!  I have to say.. I don’t regret our choice for one second.  It has enriched our life ten fold and given me a peace that I didn’t expect.  Don’t get me wrong, I have struggled and assume I will continue to do so.  I think that’s a part of life, though.  Everyone struggles… it’s how we learn.

I think that it’s important in this life to seek out the things that complete you.. make you feel whole.  I don’t think just one thing or activity can provide that, but a network of things that fills this internal gap.  I’ve found my fillers… even if they were not found all at once.  My job is fulfilling… my kids make me proud and push me to grow as a person… and being his… well that’s something special all in itself.

I never thought that I could live as someone’s owned property.  The idea was so very foreign to me… and totally hard to understand.  I tried hard to wrap my head around the idea and understand the motivations behind making such a radical life choice.  It’s funny to me how much someone can change once you truly embrace and understand something.  What was once something that didn’t get at all became something I craved with great intensity.  I didn’t think of it every moment but it did become an idea that was in the front of my mind.

It would only take a moment of bravery to forever change the course of our marriage.  It took me telling him I wanted him to own me to bring about a difference.  The idea was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We entered into this new world with open hearts and hope to match.  The beginning saw growing pains and several punishments that took hold in my mind.  There was moments of strictness and other times filled with more slack.  Some where in there we found a good balance and still try to keep that precarious balance.

Has it been worth it?  Oh hell yes!  The feeling of being his is unlike any other.  I can’t describe what it’s like to be on my knees at his feet… looking up at him, seeing this intense love in his eyes… intense emotion… just in-tenseness.   It makes my heart soar… and my breath hitch in my chest.  I long for those moments and any struggle I have, those moments where we exist just as we should be are enough for me.   Luckily for us.. we have many moments that are special… that brings us together in our extraordinary connection.

And so… a year later.. we are going strong.  Still happy with the choice we’ve made.. looking forward to the many years that lay ahead of us.  I cannot imagine not being his slave for one moment anymore.  It wouldn’t feel right to either of us I’m sure.  I would’ve never guessed this would be my life.. but I wouldn’t change it for anything.