Category: cheating

>Throughout my young life… I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design… but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past…. people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there’s that saying… it’s easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem… I’m having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don’t think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school… first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated… and I’m not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn’t find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me…. this was just in a long line of wrongings… and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see… this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It’s funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been “friends” for so long… been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I’ve never been able to forgive her…. she still emails me from time to time. I’m not sure what she expects… if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can’t do that… every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do… and so I won’t.

However, there is a part of me that says… its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I’ve toyed with the idea of emailing her… and forgiving her… to let it go… for me. The thing is.. I don’t want to forgive her.. I don’t want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that… out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable… it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic… but I assure you… its not.

One of them is an ex… my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time… we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship… he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave… my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out… events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell… in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won’t retell it. But.. I will tell… the third person plays into this story as well…

The good news is… out of all of this… I have learned many things… and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One’s that I trust and love… which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive… I just don’t have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I’m sure…. one I have to live with. I just wish I could.


>what a lucky girl I am

>For the first time in my memory I feel like I have someone worthy of me. Not to say that people I dated before were worthless…. they just didn’t live up to me in my head. I always felt superior to them and very much ran the show. There is such joy in knowing you have found your equal, your other half. I love knowing that I can walk next to Ben and know that he is my partner…. not my child.

I think I fell in love with Ben pretty much after we met. Being with him was like a drug.. and I was addicted. Spending time with him was a priority in my life and I took every opportunity to do so. I had dated so many (and fucked so many) people before him, but they always fell short. There was always something that wasn’t quite right. They were nice guys…. but not what I needed completely. I made a promise to myself after my last long term relationship that I would never fall into the same patterns… that I would not settle for less than I wanted and deserved. I held to that.

I like several of the guys but I’d find something that I didn’t like and that was that. I did enjoy it while it lasted and doing so I hurt some people. I never intended for that to happen, but I think that not everything is in my own control.

So anyways, along waltzed Ben… and he was it.. he was everything I had wanted… and I learned…. he was more than that. I never honestly believed that a person I had dreamed up in my head would actually exist and yet, there he was.

I never want to hurt him or ever stray from him. I would never take that kind of risk. And why would I? Why would I risk the most wonderful man for a quick thrill… for someone less than him? I wouldn’t… because he gives me everything I need… he knows my heart and soul… he reads me like a book. Love is a precious thing and I feel that many people take it for granted and ruin it.

Being faithful can be work…. but doesn’t that person deserve it.. aren’t they worth it? I will admit I have cheated before. There are no excuses.. I did it. I had reasons and I felt justified in those reasons. It does not by any means make it right. It did, however, teach me valuable lessons about myself. It was red flags waving in my face trying to show me what was right there and yet I just looked the other way.

I’m not really sure where I was going with this blog….. maybe no where in particular… I just felt like writing something. So- forgive my rambling 🙂