>I feel like I’m caught up in a whirlwind… that somehow in the last nine months my life has become something unfamiliar. I need a break from my life. I need for one day to wake up and not wonder whats the birth control of choice today? Am I even needing that birth control… ie… am I actually getting laid? And really… I wanna wake up and not hate that I have to go to work.

It’s just been one thing after another… and I’m just not sure what to do with anymore. I wanna breathe freely… and not feel like something else could happen at any minute. Dramatic much? Yes… yes it is… but it’s how I feel this very moment. It’s maddening… and I hate it.

I realize that tons of other people have their own issues to deal with… that are far worse than mine… but that doesn’t make me enjoy mine any more. I mean really… if I never had to take birth control again… I’d be the happiest girl. I never in my life thought I’d have so many issues. It really makes no sense to me at all…. I mean… it wasn’t till this year that I even had the slightest problem.

So that lends to… why now? What has changed in me that makes it impossible to actually it work? The ups and downs of all of it have drained me. I mean the Nuvaring incident has left me reeling… and the effects didn’t fully go away till probably a week ago.

I never went into details about it all… but it actually affected my libido. I was at a point where in my mind I knew I wanted sex… but no other part of me did. It scared the shit out of me… because I’ve always been someone with a really high sex drive. For that not to be the case… I didn’t know what to do with that. I was terrified that it wouldn’t come back… and if I didn’t I wasn’t sure how that would reflect on my life.

I pride myself on my sexual side… always have. Without that… I wouldn’t be complete. That sounds weird… but that’s how I see myself. I am a sexual creature…. plain and simple. And so for that need not to be there… it was hard to handle.

So here I am… exhausted from it all. It’s time to make a tough decision… one that scare me.

I’ve decided to go ahead and get a tubal ligation. I want this done and over with… I don’t ever want to go through this again… and this seems like the best way. My body… my problem (even though Ben is always with me every step of the way). I can’t expect out of him what I am not willing to do myself. And so with that… I made my decision.

I’m scared shitless….. to say the least. But I can’t keep depending on some medication to keep me from having babies. Apparently that just isn’t going to work. My consult is on October 5…. wish me luck… cause I’m certainly going to need it.

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