So Ben and I have been at this well over a year now.  Over this time we’ve started with a set of rules and added a few along the way.  It’s been an interesting  journey with lots of good times and an occasional bump in the road.  Since we came home from our vacation in July things haven’t really gotten back on course.  It seems like there has been one thing after another.  I was sick for one… for far too long.  Then I had some stuff going on at work that were pretty upsetting… followed by some relationship changes… then my daughters birthday.  To say we’ve been busy… well that is an understatement.  So what falls to the side?  The D/s of course.

It was still there, obviously.  I still had things I had to do everyday like wear my Njoy plug, meeting him at the back door, doing the bank book, and so on.  But, there was this distinct feeling of not being completely owned.  After so long of building that feeling.. I had got to a point that I didn’t need an outward show of his ownership… I just felt it.  Somehow that went away.  It left me feeling a little off… but not enough to really notice at first.  It took months of building to slap me in the face and feel really down about it.  I felt disjointed.

It finally came to a head last night.  It took some courage but finally I shared with Ben what was going on in my head… but he already knew something was up.  It always amazes me that he can tell something is wrong so quickly.  He really does know me inside and out.  It started out as the lack of feeling owned and then some other things surfaced… that I didn’t know had affected me so deeply.

I used to be a very horny and insatiable girl.  It was a source of issue with Ben and I back in the day.  My sex drive was always too much for him… and it caused so many issues and hurt feelings on both sides.  I never understood why he didn’t want more sex and he felt guilty for not wanting it more and put off because I was so pawy.  It made him feel like a piece of meat… which was never my intention.  Somewhere over the course of our D/s relationship, my sex drive adjusted to his… and then slowly became next to nothing.  I’d enjoy having sex with him… but I’d get to where I didn’t long for it between.  It was so different than I’d always been.  A part of me was sad to lose that part of me… a large part of me.  I missed being who I was…. like I’d become a muted version of who I was.

I explained this to Ben…. which of course, he felt terrible about.  He loves me for who I am.. and realized that somewhere along the way he had made a mistake in the rules he had given me.  Yes, he admitted that I had been too much for him… and maybe in a way.. his orgasm rule was his way of reigning me in.  It had never been meant to change me… but it had.  He didn’t see how it would affect me and my libido and realized in doing this.. he loved how I was.  He loved how he made me that worked up.. and longing.  He said for a while now he was thinking about the orgasm rule and how it may not be the best one for us.  He also thought that maybe the rules in general were getting in the way.  Ben had saw a rule when he was coming up with mine in the beginning that was just simple… honor and serve.  It’s all encompassing.

Ben and I know each other well… we know what works for us… and I know what I need to do in order to make sure he is seen to.  He doesn’t think I need rules that tell me how to behave… because I know how to.  It was all very.. different.  He wanted to know how that all made me feel… and to be honest it made me a bit anxious.  It’s been over a year that I’ve had the orgasm rule and to think I’d be touching myself without permission.. yeah it was weird.

We talked about that too… and I suggested to solve that uneasiness that we continue having me ask to cum when we are together.  I like having to ask to cum.. I really do.  The good part of not having to ask when we are apart is that I can foster my lost libido.  I can get off without having to worry about hearing no when I ask.  I don’t know if it will fix the low libido issue.. but we will never know till we try.

And so, today is a new day.  It’ll take some time to get used to taking liberties with my body again, but I am sure I will get used to it.  I am so glad that I can go to him about anything.. from easy to very difficult.  It’s comforting and wonderful that I have such an amazing husband and Owner.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  Hopefully these changes will serve to put us back on track D/s wise and if not, we will keep trying to find the right combination of what works.

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