I haven’t felt much like a slave lately.  I know a lot of that has to do with my recent illnesses.  In a way, I feel a bit lost.  Usually I have this burning desire to serve my Owner… to feel that ownership overpowering me… but that desire seems to have become a mere glowing ember.  I know it’s still there underneath all the crap that is going on but I’m having difficulties getting back into the swing of things… back into that thought process I normally have.

I know all relationships have their ups and downs…. people fall in and out of love… and so I know that our dynamic is no different.  Not feeling that desire doesn’t change that I am owned but I want that feeling back.  I want to long for the nights of play…. for waiting on his every whim… for all of it.  What I feel now is exhaustion.  I feel ho hum about everything right now… just getting through the days to get to the next.  I keep waiting to feel normal again… and that seems to be what I’m doing.  Just waiting.

I know it’ll come… it always does.  There’s always that upswing moment and I feel like a breath of fresh air has enveloped me.   I figure if I push myself just a little to encourage that upswing again I will get there sooner.  It’s got to be better than wallowing in my own disappointment.  I wish I could describe my thought process and feelings better.  I’m struggling with trying to convey what’s going on upstairs.  I just don’t feel right.  I know that I want what we have.. that is not the question here.  I don’t know what I need to kick this sort of funk.

Yesterday I talked to a mutual friend of ours.  She had originally met Ben and became my friend along the way because she needed a woman’s advice… a submissive’s advice.  She’s a lovely person and I really enjoy chatting with her about anything.  Anyways… when we met she desired above anything to serve her husband… but he couldn’t really wrap his brain around the idea.  Between Ben and I… we helped foster a change in their relationship.  Ben had was skeptic that he still really understood the gravity of owning his wife but did what he could to help answer any questions he had.

As far as I knew, it was going along quite well.  I would ask from time to time how the D/s was going and she always seemed upbeat about it and such.  I was happy that she had finally got what she had wanted for so long.  Only, I think a lot of it was an illusion.  She asked me yesterday if I ever acted out to get punished in which I said a resounding no.  We talked back and forth for a few about it and it came to light that he still really wasn’t stepping up to the dominant plate.  My heart sank… I felt so terrible for her.  I wanted so badly to hug her tight cause I knew how much her heart was breaking over it.  She doesn’t have any options but to accept the fact she isn’t going to have the lifestyle she wants… as she loves her husband and leaving is not an option.

It made me grateful that I have the relationship I desire… and ashamed at the same thought because in a way I take for granted what we have… how special it is.  I think it makes it harder to feel kind of glum about it too… because not everyone is lucky enough to have what they want.  I’m not really sure if any of this is making any sense… as it’s just one of those rambley kind of posts that is meant to be mental vomit…. to allow for internal discovery.   Does how I am feeling make any sense?  Probably not.  BUT…. it doesn’t make it any less real.  Does it mean I love Ben any less?  Heavens no!  I’m just in a valley right now… trying to put myself back together after being physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m sure I’ll be my old self before I know it.

 

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