My sweet Bean has been… to put it bluntly…. working his ass off.  He’s been putting in twelve hour days…  with forty-five minute commutes each way on top of it.  It’s been taking a toll on him.. and our home life.  Most days he gets home around eight pm… sometimes closer to nine.  By the time he gets home, all he has time for is dinner, a shower, and a little time to relax before it’s bedtime so he can turn around and do it again.  It really makes us wonder what it is all for.

We miss each other so much when we aren’t together.. and find little time to be able to even text one another because he is usually busy doing his job.  He manage here and there to say hi but that is about it.  Even when he is home, he’s so tired from working so much that it makes any quality time difficult.  I know how tired he is… and how he just needs to decompress from a long, hard day.  I try my best to make it the best I can.  I can see it in his eyes though.. I know how sad it makes him that he’s not able to give me much more than that after he gets home.

On my side of things.. even though I know all these things.. my mind still works in strange ways.  I feel the strain of his absence.  It makes it hard to remain in my place.  I need a healthy dose of his direct dominance over me in order not to feel anxious.  Without it, I find myself struggling to follow the rules and tasks that he doesn’t keep a keen eye on.  There are so many things he expects of me that he leaves me to my own devices.  He expects me to follow through with them without him checking up on me.  Those are the things that are hard to keep on.

I have this internal battle that goes on.  I could easily stop doing some of those things and he’d be none the wiser.  The question to ask here is why I would do that?  I’ve asked for this life so why on Earth would I not follow through?  Well.. I get attention.. why else?  I’m not getting the positive attention I crave and that’s not for lack of want- he just doesn’t have the energy for it right now.  But the good slave in me would never dream of adding additional stress to my Owner’s world.  It’s not my job… my job is to make his life easier.  By not doing my job.. it makes him have to use up energy on negative things.. to put his slave back in her place.  Being a grown woman.. I shouldn’t need that.. and I shouldn’t need to act out to get what I need.  Rationally I know all this.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  I know me… and I know that if I were to neglect my rules or duties… I would have to admit that to Ben.  The thought of disappointing him that way and making him waste energy on that makes me feel terrible.  Damn integrity.

Oh what a struggle!  I miss his dominance.. so much.  I miss that all encompassing feeling of being owned.  I realize that I can’t always feel that… that life gets in the way sometimes.   It doesn’t mean that it’s easy to deal with.. because it’s not.  We’re making the best of it and trying to make time for us.  I know personally I am looking forward to our upcoming vacation.  It will be nice for neither of us to have to work and be a good time to reconnect.  In the mean time I am trying really hard to be a good slave and put myself on autopilot.  This wont last forever.. and I just have to remember that.  I hope that I can continue to make the right choices and not give into the allure of negative attention.  That will not make either of us happy.

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