I feel like I’m in a state of chaos right now….. a big ball of stress.  The part of me that needs to feel a bit of control over my life is screaming.  There are a few things going on in our lives that neither Ben nor I can control.  It leaves me feeling anxious and out of control, in a bad way.  As I write this… my head feels like it may split in two.  Stress is an ugly thing.

In this… the one constant thing I know and feel is Ben’s ownership of me.  It’s the one thing that is keeping me grounded and from falling apart right now.   I know he is feeling the stress of it as well.. and yet he continues to own the situations and keep me from losing it.  It is amazing  to me really.  It’s moments like these that show me how much we have grown.  He has went from just my husband and partner.. to leader of this family.  I must say he does an amazing job.

Right now… what I really need is to feel his dominance over me both physically and emotionally.  I need to feel the warm arms of it engulfing me… taking away my worries  so that I can just soak in being his.  I love that about my submission to him… how good it makes me feel… how safe I feel.  Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world where I can just be his.  I am many other things… and have so many other roles I have to fill.  Sometimes I have to be the strong one.. the one making decisions.  I can’t just bask in the glow of my Owner.

I think that if were the case, I wouldn’t appreciate what we have nearly as much.  The fact that other things are going on… make me see how much I need moments where I am simply just his slave… there to just serve him.  I can’t wait till the weekend is here so that I can spend the evenings focused on Ben.  I look forward to them like Christmas.  They help to recenter me and renew me for the week ahead.  It cannot come soon enough!

Hopefully things will start settling down here in our corner of the world.  I’m going to try to start tomorrow  with fresh eyes.  I am going to leave the negative in today and move forward.  There are just some things in the world I can’t change… so there is no reason to wallow in it.  It does me no good… it does no one any good.  I don’t like feeling like this at all.  Tomorrow is another day.

 

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