As of late… I’ve encountered something that has me working overtime.  I guess I always knew it about myself… but didn’t really analyze it until here in the last few weeks.  I have an issue with asking for things I want.  Let me clarify.  Say I want to cum but he is at work.  I have no problem texting him to ask for permission.  It’s easy when it’s typed out words on a screen and I don’t have to actually look at him.  It is a whole different story when I am in his presence.  There is just something that makes me seize up in fear.  So  much so… that I will just not ask for what it is I want most of the time.

Ben says it’s shyness… and maybe he is right.  I don’t think it shyness… because I am not really a shy kind of girl.  I just get anxious.. and nervous.  I think my biggest problem with it is if I actually muster up the courage to ask that he will say no.  That is a very realistic possibility.  He has that authority… and that is scary when I want something so bad.  I’ve found myself only asking when I feel like the answer will be yes.  I make sure to carefully gauge the situation and his behavior.  Am I doing a disservice to both of us?  Oh totally!

By not asking, it’s a for sure no.  There is no way he can give me what I crave if he doesn’t know.  And then it also goes back to being transparent.  Doesn’t he have a right to know what is going on inside his slave’s head?  Is it right for me to decide that?  I don’t think it is.  He can’t properly take care of me if he doesn’t have all the information.

I just freeze up when I want to ask for something.  I will sit there for a while trying to talk myself into asking.  Most of the time, I fail to actually muster up the nerve.  The fact of the matter is… it’s silly for me to be nervous.  He likes when I ask.  He wants me to ask.  I think a good quality in a slave is being vulnerable… and I am quite a bit.  But in that same thought… I am still guarded.  Not asking for my desires is a way of protecting myself… holding onto the power of being able to decide my fate.  It sucks being told no, but it sucks not getting what I want as well.

So I am trying hard to ask for what I want more… and still not doing so well.  But we’re talking about it and he is aware of what is going on in my head.  I hope that I can work through this… and be less apprehensive.  Honestly… working through this will be self serving in a way.  I stand a better chance of getting what I seek if I put it out there for him to weigh.  I know it won’t always be yes, but at least it’s more than the no’s I give myself by not asking.

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