So, I was on Facebook earlier.. and in all the people I have as friends on there, only two of them are from my childhood.  One I’ve known since first grade.. the other since fifth grade.  Both of which I was very good friends with for many years.. just not in the same circle of friends.  As a teenager, my friends were my life.  I went through a lot of changes from around fifteen on… and not a lot of those changes were embraced by my friends.

In fact, through those short years before I became an adult, I learned who was truly my friend… and would later find out that next to no one fell into that category.  The ones that did stick by me went in a different direction than I was going… completely different.  I think it was hard for them to be there for me when they couldn’t come close to understand what it was my life had become.

And so just like that… those people who had been my world…. who I had been so close to, were strangers.  Only one of those friends on Facebook knows me now, and even he has disappeared as of late.  That’s mostly because he’s made some poor choices for his life and has caused him to be dealing with some things.  The other… well… I wouldn’t say we are friends.  We are place holders on each other’s list of lists.

I saw an update from her… which brought back memories when times were different, when we were different.  For whatever reason I decided to browse through her friends list to see what old school mates I would recognize.  I saw people that were part of the two groups I ran with.  These people I had over to my house all the time… spent the night at their houses yet over the years we dissolved from existence in our worlds.  Many of them have since married and had children.  Looking at their pictures makes me happy for them… makes me wonder if they ever wonder what happened to me…. makes me wonder if I was ever truly important to them.

It makes me think back when I was so very different… and makes me look at myself now.  Would they even recognize who I am?  I am fairly certain my lifestyle choice isn’t anything they would ever understand.  It makes me realize you can’t turn back time and recapture what the past held.  And then there’s the fact that life changes so quickly…. I look back and I can barely remember the girl they were friends with.  I don’t dare contact them… because what would be the point?  We’d talk about old times.. have a good laugh or two…. talk about our jobs, kids, spouses and then the awkwardness would set in.  Why?  Because that is all we would have left.  All there is, is what was.

It’s a sad truth but I can’t say that I regret it.  I love my life… Ben, the kids, my friends now, and my job.  I don’t think there is room left for those people from the past.  They represent something I left behind… that was both one of the best and worst times of my life.  I am a different person.. a different woman.  I don’t want to look back… but keep moving forward.  I know that I have something they may not have.   I have found my place in the world… and that place just happens to be at my husband’s feet.

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