I’ve had an emotion couple of days.   It started yesterday… though the feelings have been setting in for several weeks now.  I’m not exactly sure the source of them.. but they are here nevertheless.  As I mentioned in my last post I’ve been not feeling as sexual.  My sexuality is a big part of who I am.  It’s always been a driving force in me… one I feel really good about.

I’m having a hard time pinpointing it exactly.  I find myself so focused on Ben that it’s like my body forgets to turn itself on so to speak.  Anytime we have had sex lately (with the exception of a few times), it seems like this is an issue.  I feel like being turned on is on the other side of this hazy window.. one that hasn’t been cleaned in a year.  The film on it blocks me reaching what I want.  I’ve held off on telling him as I didn’t want him to feel like he is the cause of how I’m feeling.   I don’t think that’s the case because he does whatever he can to make me happy and satisfied.  I’m just complex.

I told him anyways… and I like I said, I am having a difficult time really explaining it.  I’ve noticed that a lot of our sex it geared so much to him… that when it comes time for me to get off it’s sometimes feels like an afterthought.  I know that’s not how he wants me to feel or intends to make me feel.

For example on the weekends when the kids are away… those are our play times.  Usually we split up the two days… one night is focused on pleasuring him, which I love, and the other are what we call our beating nights.  The only thing is… that the beating nights haven’t been happening much lately.  And then when they do happen they aren’t what they once were.  They used to be so intense.. and I’d always get to that happy floaty space that all submissives long for.  Now it’s like he gives me just a little taste of pain.. like he’s forgotten what it was like.  It makes me feel dejected… sad… frustrated.  It makes me feel like its not something he enjoys anymore and is only doing it to sate me.  There isn’t any truth in it.. but you can’t control how you interpret things.  Emotions are funny like that.

And so this brings me to last night.  Ben was trying his best to give me what he thought I was wanting… though he was having issue with trying to pin down what that actually was.  He asked me what kind of play I wanted to do and I told him I wanted a beating.  In my head I was thinking of how it was… and looking forward to that.  What I got wasn’t what I used to get.  He mixed it up… and instead of striking my ass and thighs with the cane as I was on all fours, I was standing legs spread and my hands on my head with the flogger hitting every part of me.  I didn’t feel like there was a warm up and I was struggling to get to the head space I needed and wanted to be in.  Everything seemed like it was working against me.

I tried hard to focus and I just couldn’t.  It was apparent to me that Ben was doing all he could to get me there too.  This wasn’t about him.. this was about me and my head.  I cried.. from the pain and a little from the desperation I felt to be just half the sexual creature I used to be.  I wanted to switch over to the cane… but for whatever reason I couldn’t explain that.  He asked if I had enough at some point… and I had.. of the flogger.  I told him I was done with that… only he interpreted that as I was done being beat.  We moved onto something else.  I know now I should have said something.. out right asked for what I wanted, but at the time my brain wasn’t processing that.

By the time we were done… Ben was holding me in bed.  I cried again.. I couldn’t contain it.  We talked a little and then headed to the shower where I cried again.  I felt guilty for feeling the way I did… it should be something I can control but it’s not.  He just held me.. and thought.  After a few minutes he cradled me face and told me thought we were both working too hard at making me feel owned and letting the core of who we are as a couple fall the the side.  We are amazing together.. and love each other so much… and we’re trying too hard.  He said we weren’t going to stop doing what we are doing.. but that we need to keep our focus on the loving connection we’ve always had.

I’m sure he is right… he usually is.  It’s not all magically fixed… I’m still in a rough emotional place trying to find my bearings again… but it’s not hopeless.  Relationships have highs and lows… and even this low is good.  I’m not unhappy by any means.  I love my life with him.  I just have to take a little time to work on me.  I know how important I am to him and that he always wants me to be happy.  I love that I can open every inch of myself to him… and be safe in doing so.  Sometimes it scares me… because I want to protect him.  I don’t want to hurt him ever… but that isn’t possible.  People hurt each other… but with us.. we always mend any wounded feelings.  We love each other enough to work towards fixing anything that comes our way.