A lot of people say that love ruins D/s or M/s.  I guess in some ways I can see where they are coming from.  I can imagine at times it is hard to order about the person you love.  For me, though, I couldn’t imagine ever submitting to someone I didn’t love.  I couldn’t go through some of the things Ben and I have done without that trust and and level of devotion that love has brought me.

Giving myself over to him requires an intense connection… one that I can lose myself in.  I have complete faith that I can let go of all my worries.. insecurities.  The fact is… I have loads of confidence but there are moments when I feel watered down in a way.

Lately I haven’t felt myself… I look at myself in the mirror and I’m not always happy about what I see.  I see the redness on my cheeks that’s always there… and want to cover it up.  I see the extra pounds I’ve put on since I’ve met Ben… happiness makes you gain weight apparently.  Isn’t it funny how people eat to celebrate… to socialize… to feel better?  I haven’t felt as sexual lately either… which makes me sad.  It’s something Ben and I are working on.

Despite that… I still think I’m a great person.  I’m not letting the things about myself that I don’t like cloud who I am.  A lot of that has to do with my relationship with Ben.  He reminds me who I am.. and how much he loves me because of that.  He sees me in a light that pushes away the negative things.  It reminds me that the things I don’t like about myself are superficial and can be changed with a little bit of work.  And the best part is I know he’ll be there no matter if I change that or not.  I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me with such adoration…. it melts me.  Being his makes me a better person.  I am still who I was before… but a little more humble… a little less selfish.

Could I feel this way if I didn’t love him?  Could he accept me for me… flawed and all… if he didn’t love me?  All this makes me feel like love is essential for me in a D/s or M/s relationship.  In my slumps and not… it’s got to be there.  That love makes us work hard to keep each other happy… to work out any issues that arise.  Love makes us choose to be with each other.. always.  I submit because I need it…. but also because I love him… and want to make his life as wonderful as it can be.  In this we both find happiness.  And that folks.. is what it is all about.

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