As I was pulling into the driveway today.. I was reminded of something that happened either last spring or early summer of last year.  It was a rather unpleasant memory that wiggled it’s way in… something I have to say I’m ashamed to have been a part of.  It’s one of those things I question if I want to share, but I think it speaks volumes about the transformation our relationship dynamic has caused in me.

The motor had went out in the back driver’s side window of my car.  It had been broken for a  little bit and Ben had been taking his sweet time getting it fixed.  I don’t remember the specific events that led to this day… but for whatever reason my niece and I were out in the driveway… doing something to the window.  I was tired of driving my kids around in a car with a window that wouldn’t roll up or down.  Quite frankly it was embarrassing.  I mean after all.. all four of his windows worked in his car and so he had no idea what it was like to drive around with it like that.  I know I was probably being oversensitive about it… looking back it wasn’t as big of a deal as I would end up making out of it.

At some point the older gentleman from across the road came over.  He had retired from working on cars and offered to fix it for us.  I called Ben to tell him…. and he was less than enthusiastic about it.  He didn’t want an un-certified person working on my car.  I told him then he needed to get it fixed…. soon.. because I was tired of driving around like that.  I brought up that his windows all worked and so I felt like he kept forgetting the issue with my car.  It escalated really quick… something that is rare for us.  By the end of the phone call… I was utterly pissed off with him.  I don’t know where it came from… this irrational, angry emotion.  All I know is I was really upset and he wasn’t even seeing my side of this.  At some point I was just done and did something I never do… I hung up on him.

When he called back, I didn’t answer.  Yes, real mature.  I was angry and didn’t have anything else to say to him.  He tried again.. and maybe once more before I finally answered.  He scolded me… and then soothed my ruffled feathers.  I was still upset.. but much more calm.  I don’t know what came over me honestly.  It was a rare moment… as I don’t really remember behaving that poorly ever in our relationship.

Back to today… I was walking in the back door looking at the spot I had stood as I phoned him last year… and realized something.  I would never behave like that again.  I couldn’t fathom treating him that way now.  Not only would I be in some serious trouble… but I would also feel ashamed of my behavior immediately.  Before, I felt bad about it… but I still felt justified in being upset.  It makes me feel good knowing that the changes we have made has improved how I carry myself.  Ben deserves my respect.. he has earned it many times over.

It amazes me.  He amazes me.

I think life is a series of learning experiences…. learning what works and is right… and what’s not.  I do not have many moments where I think I’ve behaved in a horrendous way… but this was one of them.   What it taught me is that I don’t have to treat him that way…. there are better ways of getting what I want.  Treating him that way only made things worse because not only did my window still have to be fixed but then we had to talk out our issue from the fight we had.

If this had happened now… I would have thought better of it.  I probably would still be annoyed that I wasn’t getting what I needed, but it would have went down differently.  I would have just accepted that he was making the right decision about my car and be patient until he could remedy the situation.  If that’s the only thing we gained from having Ben lead our relationship… then that’s an amazing thing.  And that’s one of the many things that makes this so very rewarding.