selfish: adj \sel-fish\ concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

I think a prerequisite of being a submissive is not to be selfish.  I think that from the get go that humans in general are at a disadvantage in that thought.  Yes, there are people who are selfless to a fault, but most people have at least some selfishness inside of them.  I think sometimes it comes from self preservation.  Who else will look out for you if you don’t?  Though I think that there is a line between looking out for one’s self and crossing the line of being selfish.

I think it’s a trait that lends itself to be retrained.  As a slave or submissive you have to change the way you think… putting the dominant partner first in thought.  For some this comes easy… others not so much.  But even when it comes easy, there are times there is an inner struggle.  It’s not always effortless… and sometimes it’s down right hard.

I look back on how times have changed.. how I have changed.  Not even a year has passed and I see myself in such a different light.  I’ve always had this sense of looking out for Ben.. for doing a little extra around the house and such.  But.. this sometimes came at a price.  Generally I’d be fine but there were times I’d be irritated that I was doing extra work and I wouldn’t get a thank you.. or that he wouldn’t always do extra stuff.  I think sometimes he didn’t always see the little stuff I would do.. and so didn’t know to say anything.

Then came this change in our lives.. and I had to change the way I thought about all the little things I do for him.  He doesn’t have to feel grateful that I’m doing those things…. they are in service to him.  That’s not to say he doesn’t thank me for cleaning the house or getting him a drink.. because he does.  He doesn’t see a need to be mean.  Yes, it’s my job to do the things he asks of me but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have manners.  It’s my job but he still appreciates all I do.

So where am I going with this selfish thing?  Sometimes I feel that way.  Sometimes I get focused on what I want and need.. and get disgruntled when I’m not getting it on my time table.  It’s still that old way of thinking… it’s still in there.. floating around in that vast space in my skull.  I’ve had twenty-eight years of that programming.. it’s not just going to switch off in less a year.  Yes, I’ve made leaps and bounds but I am not perfect.

I think this old way of thinking pops up when I’m tired… or when I’m not particularly feeling owned that day… or not feeling it in general.  There are days I simply just want to sit on the couch and not have to get up to get him a drink.  There are days that I don’t want to wear my plug… or days I just want to get into bed without having to kneel and do my nightly devotion.  Sometimes… I just want to be.  Of course, despite feeling that way I always make the right decision and serve my Owner.  Feeling owned or not doesn’t make it less so.  I am still owned even if I don’t want to do something.  I can not want till I’m blue in the face as long as I still follow through.

I look at it this way… I don’t always want to go to work.  I’d much rather stay at home and do what I want to do. But I still get up each day and go because it’s what I’m supposed to do.  I want money and therefore… I must go to work.  In the same thought… I want to make Ben happy. Him owning me makes me happy.. it works for us.. and so.. I serve him, even when I don’t want to… even when it’s not easy.   To me.. that is definition of submission.. giving yourself over to someone else’s will despite ease.

Sometimes I wonder if that sort of selfishness will ever go away.  I hope it will… I don’t like the guilt of it.  It seems wrong to me to be so consumed with something I cannot control.  He is good to me and will always look out for me…. and so there isn’t a reason for me to be so worried about myself.  He has it all taken care of.   All I can expect of myself is to keep doing what I am doing.. and that is making a daily effort to put him first in hopes that I will find the grace to serve him better.