It’s been some time since I’ve been punished.  Ben and I both agree I’ve generally fallen into my place has his rather well…. but that doesn’t mean I won’t stumble.  No one is perfect.   So what happened?

This punishment was evolved over a couple days.  It started with Ben’s experiment (the theme of this week apparently).  I didn’t at all handle his challenge well at all.  I went in with a bad attitude and there was no way I was going to take that on and do well.  I pretty much shouldn’t have tried at all with the way I attacked it.  I always say I will serve my Owner to the best of my ability and that did not happen.  Not even close.

The more I thought about it.. the more disappointed I was in myself.  He deserved better effort on my part.  I don’t have to like everything he puts to me… I do, however, have to do it with a good attitude.  I didn’t have a good attitude.. I whined about it.. and was unhappy.. and pretty much all around not a good girl.  By the time we went to bed last night… I was sure I deserved a punishment.  My stomach flip flopped as it always do when I sell myself out.  I knew in my heart of hearts that Ben had moved on from it and that he probably wouldn’t be punishing me for this.  In my mind.. this was the worst infraction I’ve ever done.  It’s not like missing my water intake for the day… this was directly disrespecting him.  I felt terrible.  I knew I needed to pay my pound of flesh so to speak to make things better.  I find it really fascinating how much I beat myself up  over this kind of stuff.  I’ve wondered what punishment is worse… the physical one given by my Owner or my own mental self punishment.  I can’t decide.

He was feeling a bit frisky… I could tell… and so when he went to open up the window to cool the room down a bit… I crawled to the corner of the bed on my knees.  I put my head to his chest… my nerves working overtime… and asked him to punish me.  He asked me about how he punishes me.. and I told him.  I knew I wasn’t going to like it… I knew it would send me in a million different emotional directions.. but I knew it had to happen.  And so he told me to get up.  I went to the corner of the bed where he punishes me and bent over.

Ben kicked my feet apart till he was satisfied in their placement and then I felt the cold metal of the hanger lay against my skin.  I tried not to tense… and took a deep breath.  He swatted me once… and talk to me… and again…. and again… still talking.  I hadn’t bargained for this.. I thought I would get the two swats I normally would get for a first time infraction but that was not what was happening.  I so badly wanted it to be over but knew I needed this.. more than the two I expected.  Be careful what you ask for.

When it was over.. I can’t remember how many swats I got.  I’m sure it was less than ten.. but it still hurt.. a lot.  The sting felt like it diminished almost immediately, though I’m sure it was all in my head.  What took over was my shame I disappointed him… my need for his approval knowing things were okay and he wasn’t upset with me (or at least not for long)…. I kind of wanted to linger in the punishment mode as I feel like I had earned a big punishment.. and over all neediness.  It was a mass of emotions to say the least.  It always is.

He had me suck his cock after we got back in bed.  Once I had swallowed every last drop of his cum he turned off the light and opened the door… then told me it was time to go to sleep.   I laid there in silence afraid to speak or move….I wanted to be close to him.  I wanted to know it was going to be all right.  The strange thing is.. usually even when I’m in trouble… my body is turned on.  In this case, I was turned on but not in the way that I wanted to get off.  I was so focused on him and what was going on.. I didn’t even think about getting off.. not that I would have been able to anyways.

By the time we finally went to sleep he held me close to him in that reassuring way… not that you’ve been a really good girl way.  It was enough.  I knew I was in trouble.. but he still very much loved me and had moved on from the punishment.  And so we’ve moved forward after talking about last nights events.  I love sharing my inner workings with him… it makes me feel like the more he knows.. the more he can be in control of me.  It feels good knowing I can share that and not be afraid of what he will do with that information.  I trust him with everything I am even the tough emotions and thoughts.

Did this make me excited about the experiment?  No, not at all.  My feelings have not changed.  What has changed is my attitude towards it.  Like I said, I don’t have to like it to do it.  Sometimes pleasing my Owner is what I have to focus on.. not the task at hand.  This time when we restart this… I will be focused on that and try to be positive.  I truly will be serving him to the best of my ability… not letting my own misgivings get in the way.  So in that sense… the punishment did the trick.  Onto better days..