So this experiment isn’t going so well.  The plug was irritating me pretty much from the moment it was put in.  I mentioned to Ben that it might be a better idea if I only wore the plug during the day and not while I was sleeping.  He didn’t really respond and it kind of annoyed me.  I was probably trying really hard to weasel myself out of this situation I found myself in.. maybe too hard.  I could feel myself holding onto my old way of thinking.  It wasn’t fair that I was having to do this.  It wasn’t fair that I hate having to wear for hours on end with no end in sight.  It wasn’t fair he wasn’t seeing my reasoning behind this.  Why the hell couldn’t I bargain with him?!

I was trying hard to not to be grumpy and resentful towards Ben.  It was very much in his right to ask this of me.  It was just to see what I could take and deep down I knew he wouldn’t put me in harms way.  This wasn’t some wild hair he pulled out his ass… he actually spent time reading up on wearing the plug 24/7.  My health and safety are always first and foremost in his mind.  This wasn’t about me being worried about him handling the situation.. this was me not liking how he was going about it.

So much of what we do.. I’m totally on board for.  Most of it I love and even crave but this wasn’t one of them.  I don’t mind my plug… in small doses.  I can handle my daily wear usually… and sometimes can handle more than the two hours.  But this challenge makes me feel kind of hopeless.  I can’t explain it.  I’m sure this is working against me.  It’s weird for me to not be able to shape my mind to like this idea.. or at least kind of like it.  I think it boils down to how tender and irritated my ass gets when there’s too much going on.  I dread that tenderness… it’s hard to focus on anything but that when it happens.  I really don’t want to end up hating the plug all together.

Anyways… by bedtime, Ben could tell I was uncomfortable.  He told me I could take it out and put it back in when I got up in the morning.  I was relieved… and guilty.  I was getting my way… and I felt bad about it.  Isn’t that funny how that happens?  I laid there for a bit before I took it out because of that guilt.  When I finally took it out the relief was instant.  I went to sleep with mixed feelings.

When I got up this morning I put it back in.  By lunch time at work… I could tell the plug was feeling a bit dry.  It was going to get really uncomfortable real quick.  I told Ben about the dryness and he decided for me to just take it out.  He said we’d try again this weekend.   I felt like a big ole complainer.  I think a lot of this is mind space.  I need to get my head into this and see it for what it is.

And so.. that’s that.  We will try again… and I will try to get where my head isn’t defeating me before we are even out of the gate.

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