Trust is a funny thing.  Even when you have it… somethings are still hard to share.  I know personally it’s hard to put myself out there even if I trust someone.  I think that it stems from fear of rejection.  In some cases that fear is irrational… as the person you trust is fully worthy of my disclosure.  It has nothing to do with them.. but more about my own worries.  So many times I decide against sharing… but there are a few times I do and I am welcomed with open arms.

A couple months ago I had a chance to put myself out there with a friend of mine.  I was so close to telling her about Ben and I… but I chickened out.  I so badly wanted to, but I couldn’t.  I kept trying to after that… but ultimately I gave into my fear every time.  I set myself a goal to tell her because I really wanted her to know.  That goal came and went last weekend.

This morning I decided that it was time to pull my head out of my ass.. stop being so scared and just do it.  In my heart of hearts, I knew she wouldn’t reject me.  I bit the bullet… and pulled out my phone.  No way would I be able to tell her face to face… but I certainly could via text.  And so.. I texted it out.. then hit send.  A few minutes passed and she texted back.  She said as long as I was happy.. she was happy.  There was next to no banter about it but I didn’t strange about it.  It felt right.  The funny thing is.. I was totally at peace with it.  It just flowed out of me and I didn’t feel relieved or scared after I told her.  All this time I had worried about it and here I was doing it, and it didn’t feel bad at all.

After I told Ben, he asked if I felt better now that I had told her… and the truth was I didn’t feel one way or another.  It just was.  I will take that. I’m glad I shared with her… proud that I did.  I think I chose wisely on who I shared with.. as I know many people wouldn’t accept our relationship with open arms… let alone be happy for me.  I think that is a true friend… someone that accepts me for who I am no matter how different my life is.  I feel blessed she is in my life.

Does this mean we’ll have long meaningful conversations about this?  Does it mean that when I’m struggling I will ask her advice?  I doubt it.  Even though she knows, unless she’s done this I don’t think she can fully understand what it’s like.  That wasn’t my purpose for telling her.  I just feel good knowing that if I ever really needed to… I could.  Knowing is half the battle.

 

 

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