Ben wanted me to think about where I am at with our journey thus far.  I didn’t have to think too deeply.. I knew my answer when the question was asked.  I am happy… calm… satisfied.  We’ve been going down this road for about nine months now and there have been some bumps in the road but also a lot of really great moments.  The good have way outweighed the bad by far.

I feel at peace with my submission.  It was never a huge struggle (95% of the time)… but some times have been trying.  I have certainly been tested… mostly in my own head.   There are those times I’m upset where my mind goes flying off into a million different directions of all the things I could do.  In the end, those thoughts never take root.  I choose to be the wife he needs me to be… to abide by what I signed up for.  He doesn’t want or need a brat… I am fully capable of expressing to him how I feel… whether it be happy or upset.  I want this… all the time… not just when it’s easy.  This simply works for us.

I know that I am growing… learning… figuring out how we continue to make this transition.  He is too.  He makes mistakes just as I do… everyone does.  There has been times that in my eyes, he has slacked off in his part… and it makes me test him.  Not on purpose… but I do it.  I need him to be strong… to be on his game and hold me accountable.  I’m pretty good at staying on track and holding myself to a certain standard, but I need active dominance from him.  I need to know that he is invested just as deeply as I am.  He carries a huge weight with the authority he has over me.  I don’t doubt that there are days it is taxing… but he does a wonderful job of knowing when to be strong…. and when to be vulnerable to me.. allowing me to take care of him (though that is something he should do more often).  I marvel at the dominant he is and is becoming.  I makes my heart feel as if it is going to explode with love and adoration.   Without his strength of character, I couldn’t be the submissive I am today.  We compliment each other well.

Before this.. Ben and I were close… we had and still have an amazing marriage.  We love each other so deeply… and our worlds are so interwoven that it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.  I know I’ve wondered just what I would do without him… I can’t remember what it was like.  Being without him is a terrible thought.  In this… I feel like we’ve grown as a couple.  I think our communication skills have improved.  We work through things that are issues rather quickly… and I love that about us.  Sometimes it’s hard to bring it up… but when it does come to the surface… we disagree… or agree… figure out a solution and get back on track.   He never ceases to listen to how I am feeling…. or to what I need.  He doesn’t rule with an iron fist… but with the gentleness of a beloved monarch.  Yes, he expects me to always be at my best but knows I will stumble from time to time.

I know that what we have is special… and I know it’s not always sunshine and daisies.  We have our trials just as anyone else.  We disagree like anyone else.  I am not the perfect submissive wife… but I strive to be the best I can be.  I question things…. and wonder if it’s right.  I see things and know I wouldn’t always do things the way he does them.  The thing is… it doesn’t matter.  I’m not in charge.. nor do I want to be.  It’s hard to reign in that girl that has a need to control things.  I signed up for his way… not mine.  I struggle at times to soothe her.  The only time I let her loose is when Ben doesn’t let me take care of him.  I think he has difficulties letting go and not always worrying about everything.  I so badly want to be there to take care of him because he doesn’t have to shoulder all the burden…. even dominants need to be taken care of.

But.. overall… I am happy as I said.  We are in a good place.  We have a healthy mix of things we need I think.  I know that we’ll continue having bumps in the road… but it makes coming back to that happy place all the more sweeter.  He gives me all the things I need.  He loves me like there is no tomorrow… he makes me  laugh till my face hurts…. he makes me feel owned and cared for… he makes me feel important and special…. and he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.  What more could I ask for?

 

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