There are dark places in us all… the ones that we bury desires that we are scared to share with the outside world.  These places ever see the light… only occasionally do we have the opportunity to have someone we can fully open up to.  Those chances are few and far between… but I can tell you that even when it arises, it is still scary.  Opening up and exposing yourself with the chance of rejection… to alienating that person is one of the hardest things to ever put yourself through.

Ben and I talk all the time… about our hopes.. dreams… desires.  We trust each other with everything but there are still those moments we are scared to tell each other something.  The idea that one of us could think what we want is sick or weird is what makes it hard to build up the courage to share.  Eventually it happens but sometimes it can take time.

Take for example… when I stumbled across D/s I was baffled.  I had no idea why anyone would want to do that.. to give up control of their life.  It took me almost a year to figure it out… but I can tell you this.. sometime in that year part of me wanted that.  I wanted to be owned.. and I denied it to myself.  I told myself that I couldn’t do that.. no way, no how.  It was a deep buried desire of mine.  It would take over three years to go through admitting to myself I wanted to take that path in our relationship and then actually admit it to Ben.  Obviously me telling him worked out… and reaffirmed that I should never be afraid to tell him things that I find deeply personal.

This week has been huge for us in terms of growth I think. There had been some things that we had both found interesting sex wise that we’d been afraid to bring up.  Neither of us thought the other would be into it and so it was just safer… easier never to mention it.  I know personally the last thing I wanted was him to think I was weird or what not.  The whole thing is silly because deep down I know better.  I know that he accepts me.. all of me and all that entails.  Still as we were laying in bed… and promises of each of us sharing something we wanted were made…. it still was frightening.  It took me several starts… feeling my heart pound in my throat.  I was simply terrified and wished I hadn’t promised… and even more so wish it hadn’t been my idea.  What was I thinking?!?

When it finally came out in a near whisper… there was nothing but acceptance.  How could I ever have doubted?  I will tell you how… because I’m human… and we get scared even when it doesn’t always make complete sense.  The funny thing is… he actually wants to try it.  Who’d have known.  We laid there feeling so connected.  It felt amazing…. so intimate and it made me feel so very submissive.  I find it so interesting that when we connect and talk… it has that effect.  I love how we naturally take that path without even trying. It was a wonderful moment for us.

And so today we texted as I was at work… we shared details… scenarios that we could try with it.  We were insanely turned on and I loved it.  We’ve made plans to try it for sure this weekend.  It should be really fun to say the least.  I’ve been told I won’t be cumming until Friday night when this all goes down.  It’s exciting and frustrating at the same time because I’m so worked up now.  Either way.. I’m waiting so Friday needs to hurry.

Anyways… I’m so glad that we opened up to each other more.  I feel like our connection has only been deepened because of it.  I feel reaffirmed in the feeling of trust and comfort with him.  He never fails to prove that to me over and over.  I look forward to more shared moments like we had… they are special to say the least.

Advertisements