What is it about a good spanking that kicks my mind into overdrive… from a submissive stand point?  What is it that I crave so much.. that works wonders for my focus?  It’s the question Ben posed to me.  It’s a good one… and something I really had to think about.  I mean I know the general reasons… but the root? I didn’t have an immediate answer.. nor did he want one.  It was meant to make me think.

There is something about knowing that a session is coming.  There is an anticipation that I can’t really describe.  I used to get really excited about them as they were random events… but now is different.  I still get excited.. but it’s more of a looking forward to a sort of maintenance.  The fun kind like when you are getting your nails done… or a touch up on your hair color.  It just makes you feel good.  There is a sense of reliability there… I always knows I have that coming in my future. I don’t always know what day of the weekend it will happen, but I know it will.  There is comfort in that…. it makes my heart swell- odd as that may sound.

I love when Ben decides to mix things up.. throw in something new or unexpected.  That’s when the wait is truly exciting.  I imagine what it will be like… and wonder if what I’ve dreamed up with match the actual event.  It’s rare when I am nervous prior to a play session… and I am thankful for that.  The good thing about knowing it’s coming keeps my mind on it… getting myself prepared to be completely and utterly at his whim.  I love that feeling- nothing like it.

During is a always a coin toss.  Sometimes it’s hard to get my head space to where it needs to be.  Other times, it’s easy like a flip of a switch to be in sub mode.  It just really depends on what’s going on.  I try to let go of all the outside world and soak up the experience, but sometimes that is easier said than done.  When I’ve been particularly stressed out or feeling out of sorts… it takes me a bit to really give my mind over.  It’s really those times I need it the most… its a stress relief for sure.  But then there is the other purpose… the one I look for more.  It’s a time used to refocus my submission to my Owner…. to reaffirm my place in his world.  The place I so badly desired and love so much.

So much during the week we go through the motions of life…. doing the things that are required of us.  Yes there are rules… yes there are duties I follow but I don’t always feel my submission as deeply during the week.  It isn’t possible for me to be naked at his feet all the time (in fact that doesn’t happen all that often).  It isn’t possible for me to always just be his submissive… I have many roles in my life that require a part of me. It doesn’t change that I am his by any means, it’s just easy to get lost in the business of living life.  I like when he brings me back down  to our world so that we can solidly focus on just us.  It’s a special time for sure… one I need.

So by the time he is done with a good beating (hehe)… I feel cleansed… floaty… submissive.  It’s like a drug.. one I want over and over again.  I just have to love that adrenaline rush.. simply amazing.  I love how completely in sync we feel after.  We are just connected.  And so that feeling can last  sometimes several days… or just a day or two.  Again, it depends on life and what’s going on.  I try to enjoy it for however long it lasts and hold onto that feeling.  If I could bottle it…  and keep it for a rainy day, I so would.

In any case…. the session serves it’s purpose to refocus me on my Owner.  It helps distress me.. and allows for the world just to be about he and I for that brief period of time.  I need that.  As much as I love focusing on his pleasure only… I need to have the pain that comes from a thorough spanking.  I need both to feel in balance.  It stopped being just a want a long time ago for me.  I can tell the difference in my demeanor when I go too long without it… and it’s not a good feeling.  I don’t like feeling out of whack…. it makes me anxious.

He and I only get two days a week alone when the kids are gone to their father’s house and so it is really important to me that we make the most of the time we do get.  I have to get a weeks worth of submissive energy to get me through the week so to speak. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get anything out of the little things we do during the week, because I do.  It just means that I get so much of serving him sexually…. and receiving a good spanking.  They both serve different purposes for my mind… both are needed.. like my feet need socks and shoes during the winter.  I need the mental and sexual service from him to feel balanced.

And so I look forward to the weekends like a kid does… as they hold something exciting and special.  I love pain. I love taking what is given to me till I hit my limit.  I long to be pushed to the brink.. just to see how far I can go…. to see what heights it will take my mind.  It’s complex and simple at the same time and I’m glad that Ben gives me that.  I feel so lucky to have a partner that loves me enough to make sure my needs are being met in every way.  Now… is it Friday yet?

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